Here are links to places you can find other works of mine.
How can someone enjoy reading a blog if they don’t have opening credits to go with it? They won’t know who I am or who the guest stars are. So here it is, the opening credits to my blog.
These are the names of bloggers who were around to comment a lot in 2012. Stick around for 2013 and you can be famous too.
The last screenplay I wrote was about zombies. I wrote it in three days over the course of a very productive yet what I’m sure was a lonely weekend with few if any encounters with the outside world. The screenplay never fully finished because what good is one more masterpiece to get discredited by the experts?
I don’t even have a title for the movie which hinders the progress. Oh and a lack of time, motivation, and skill as well.
I’m usually good at movie titles too. For instance, here are a bunch of hilarious parody titles based on the movie 28 Days Later that I came up with on my commute home from work. Not all are funny. In fact, several are terribly sad.
28 Blaze Later – a zombie stoner comedy
28 Gays Later – a movie about how AIDS was spread
28 Heys Later – a movie about greeting many people
28 Js Later – a movie about having to erase all of the Js on the screen after the key gets stuck
28 Ks Later – a movie about overpopulation in the KKK
28 Lays Later – a movie about having an upset tummy after eating too many potato chips
28 Neys Later – a movie about a whiny horse
28 Plays Later – a movie about a theater going zombie
28 Rays Later – a movie about skin cancer
28 Stays Later – a movie about frequently visiting the same hotel branch and getting rewards for it
28 Strays Later – 101 Dalmatians with feral cats
28 Trays Later – a movie about a zombie cafeteria lady
28 Weighs Later – a movie about zombie weight loss surgery
Is it just me or is everyone absolutely fucking miserable these last few weeks? I’d normally blame sunspots, but from my own point of view I can validate feeling like poop.
I guess it began when I lost on fantasy baseball. My summer was caught up trying to win money from people who work for a company that’s going out of business. I can’t feel too bad for them. After all they have children to feed while my extra food intake is just from a lack of self control.
After losing that, I felt my whole summer had been wasted and I needed a victory. Work was getting busy and I has less time to work on the creative aspect of the job as I had previously. So I decided to submit what I assumed was the best thing I had ever written to a website that gives professional and liberal reviews. Accidentally, I ordered two reviews. This was fine until I got a 6/10 followed by a 4/10. Granted the advice was helpful. However when seeking an easy victory in life it sucks to be called average.
Like I said, work has been stressful too. Between my every day duties, silly requests, and telling my coworkers to use the n word less I’ve been very busy. I’ve also fucked up and so have my coworkers. And when we fuck up, rightfully so, our boss is mad. She’s not fun to be around when she’s mad because well–she’s a she. I’m also in charge of most duties so in the end it’s up to me to enforce the law.
One small victory, and I’m talking the size of a three inch penis, was having a blog post I wrote read on the radio. The two hosts enjoyed it and made me feel good. Actually my hand made me feel good. They just supplied the background noise.
It’s weeks like the last few that make me question a lot. I was at one point so driven to succeed and make something of myself. I guess I still am. I write every day and I think I’m better at it. But who knows? It’s all a matter of opinion anyway.
I’m sitting on the floor of a train as I write this too only because my feet hurt too much to stand. I’m getting old and this Thursday I’ll officially be there. I turn 27 then. I’m at the age where most musicians die in their own vomit. I have trouble smacking my own stomach to a beat so my fate is something else.
Changing weather, darker evenings, and general reasons to be upset are what have made the last few weeks a little hellish.
All of this losing, I wonder how people on Cleveland live with themselves.
(Pepsi drinker hell)
This is me writing everything that happened on my train ride home from work yesterday.
I’m writing this with the ultimate train creep inches away from me. I’d guess at our closest point, which may actually be our dicks, that only two feet of putrid train air separates us.
A black man with a small frame and a child’s face stepped between us. Maybe it is a kid. It’s his suit throwing me off. I catch a glance at his phone. He’s playing Tetris. For how crowded this train gets, I’m guessing its practice for before we transfer.
The creep continues to read. I see him a lot on the train. Like me, he hides in the corner. If I believed in a Middle Eastern God and had dead eyes like him I swear we could be best friends.
Sometimes we make eye contact on the train. It’s very uncomfortable too. He never looks away. I have never seen him with a book before today. Could this be a new learned skill of his?
My stomach doesn’t hurt even though I have consumed about 7 small sandwiches only about 2-3 hours earlier. I have also drank nothing but coffee. Yes I’m sweating but I thought it was because I’m wearing so many layers and according to my body mass index, I am severely overweight at 175 pounds.
The creep is watching the Tetris game that the black kid/man is playing. He got bored and looked away and back to his awful non-English book. Now the black guy is looking at the book wondering what game it is.
An older black man is near us too. He has huge pants. I think it’s MC Hammer. I should befriend someone, shout “I love you MC Hammer”, and then ask my new friend of he looked. Fuck he got off at Newport.
Why is everyone so fat? A fat guy in a red shirt just got on the train. He’s not offensively huge. He’s fat where you’d expect him to joke about it with friends. I don’t think he has any. I can hear his iPod and the music sucks. Nobody wants a friend with bad taste in music.
I can only see one woman on this train. I thought there were two but one was an adult Asian man.
The creep me be getting off. Nope. But the black guy did. He had to say “excuse me” twice to the fat guy in red. So polite of him to admit to farting not once but twice. I am glad he waited until he was ready to exit.
For a second it felt like my wallet was missing. It’s there. My ass is just too flat to fill out these pants.
Fuck a baby is crying. My transfer is almost here. I have internet service again so I’m going to keep uploading my Facebook page and see nothing new.
When a person takes off their clothes slowly and it’s not in a struggling manner, we call it “stripping.” You can also call it stripping when you tear someone’s skin from their bodies. This form of stripping is slightly less sexy.
I’m sure by now you are lonely enough to be familiar with stripping. Instead I would just like to point out how I have been continuing with my own stripping career: in comic form!
About a year and a half ago I started making comic strips. Then I got a job and suddenly felt no motivation to work on any major project. I busy, tired, and I was also working on other things where I was being rewarded financially which meant I had to reward the government financially as well on my taxes.
Anyway, you are welcome to follow along with the comics. If you click on the below comic, one I HAVE RELEASED BEFORE SO YOU SHOULD FEEL TOTALLY COOL you will be taken to the blog where I post them every day at noon or whenever they decide to post because for some reason even though they’re scheduled to post at noon they never do.
Did you have bad parents? If so maybe you’ll enjoy this piece I wrote about the 10 things parents do to ruin their kids’ lives.
10 Things Parents do to Ruin Their Children’s Lives
Whenever someone wins an award they normally thank God, their parents, and Harvey Weinstein. I’m going to skip over the first and last because I am no expert on either of those guys. Let’s instead focus on parents, more specifically how they can ruin their children’s lives. By the time a person becomes an adult they usually have an opinion on their parents, whether or not mommy and/or daddy ruined their chances at happiness. There are many ways parents can ruin their children’s lives. Here are ten of them.
My parents are divorced. I wouldn’t say it ruined my life, but it surely never helped me sleep at night. The saddest fact about it was that their divorce took seven years to complete. For two fatalistic people, they sure did plan to die before finishing the paperwork. The lengthy divorce was more a matter of procrastination than dividing up assets, which may delay the divorce process in wealthier families. For some kids though, divorce can destroy them. They will feel unloved by one or both parents and some may even think it was partly their fault. I was one of the lucky few kids who always knew my parents loved me, even if their divorce proved to me that love is painful.
2) Selling the family house:
When you buy a house and have kids it’s an obligation to keep that house forever. You should die in that house, or at least in the driveway or after falling from the roof into the neighbor’s yard. Not having a home to retreat back to whenever things go wrong in life is an unsettling feeling for me. I like to go with the Metallica attitude of “where I lay my head is home” to ease my fears. Times are tough so I understand why some parents, mine included, will sell a house. Understanding why someone does something still doesn’t mean it isn’t ruining someone’s life. Where am I supposed to keep the things I no longer want, but am too sentimental to throw in the trash.
3) Missing important life events:
A good parent to me is someone who does whatever they can to not disappoint their child, within reason of course. My older sister will still bring up the fact that when she was younger our parents missed seeing her in a baton twirling competition or whatever you call their “games.” My sister gave up her dream of turning into a professional baton twirler because of this. I was not alive yet, but if I had to guess my parents most likely had a scheduling conflict between the competition and a nearby bar’s happy hour.
Child abuse is never a good thing to do. That may seem like a “needless to say” statement, but unfortunately it’s not. I know mentioning child abuse completely ruined any fun you had reading this. I still felt I couldn’t ignore it completely. Then again, not attending your daughter’s baton twirling competition is pretty abusive so call this redundancy to the previous item on my list.
5) Giving life to the kid:
Nobody asks to be born. For some kids the worst thing you can do to ruin their lives is to give them the life. Whatever plain we exist on before we enter this world is probably a lot more peaceful. So I guess the lesson to be learned with this one is to not even have kids. Sorry for ruining your time-killing plans for the next power outage.
6) Having more kids:
Children can be incredibly jealous creatures. That’s actually not fair. All people can be incredibly jealous creatures. Introducing a new child into the picture can create dire consequences. I’m no expert when it comes to being a parent. I have had every virtual pet I have ever owned die on me. For further information on how having more kids can ruin your kid’s life, please see the first Rugrats movie. Those kids almost get eaten by wolves because the parents decided to have another kid.
7) Behaving childish:
I have often wondered at what age or life event most or all of a person’s childish behavior should be placed behind them. I still have no answer. The only reasonable moment I can think of is when you become a parent. After you are a mother or father it’s time to accept responsibility for your mistakes more than ever before. Behaving like a child sets a bad example for your kids and it will create a cycle of idiots in your bloodline. There are enough of those already.
8) Providing poor guidance:
Schools may have guidance counselors, but it’s really the parent’s job to guide kids through life. The best advice I ever received from a guidance counselor was to start seeing a therapist. Thanks passing the buck lady. Parents need to make an effort to provide their children with a healthy and happy lifestyle. Letting your kid balloon up in weight is terrible, something that specifically happened to me. What my parents could have done differently was not reward me with food. A good report card meant a trip to Dairy Queen. I was a really smart kid too, one who always got good grades because I loved my ice cream. Where did it get me? By the time I was in high school I was overweight, depressed, and a B student. I would have been better off forced into a daily exercise program, which would then lead to receiving a college scholarship.
9) Not being supportive:
The absolute best thing anyone can do for another human being is to support them. Where do you think calling a male friend “bra” comes from? It’s from the support they give each other. Especially at a young age, you should let your kids know they can do anything. Society will beat them down enough over time where they will think more realistically the older they get and realize that Weekend Shift Manager isn’t as heartbreaking of a career choice as a few other things.
10) Forcing anything into their lives:
New beaus following a divorce, activities they don’t want to participate in, a religion they do not believe, or anything else within reason should not be forced onto anyone. Of course at a certain age your child may develop a fetish where being forced to do things they “dislike” is something they pay cash to a strange lady on the street for, but that’s unrelated to this and completely goes in another direction. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Encourage them to do something rather than nothing, just never force them into a situation where they are uncomfortable every moment of an extracurricular activity. My entire life is an uncomfortable moment. There will be plenty for your kids throughout their lives, don’t go adding to it.
Today is the first full day of the NFL season. I’m so excited, one of my nipples is slightly less puffy. Here is a comprehensive list of several NFL teams and which country would best represent where they currently stand.
(It took me far too long to realize this is the wrong football)
Seattle Seahawks – The United States
The defending champion Seattle Seahawks would have to be the United States. The USA is the most powerful country in the world in most ways. They have a few other things in common too. Both have great defenses and are a little too arrogant.
Dallas Cowboys – Russia
The Dallas Cowboys might be the most hated team in the NFL. That’s not to say Russia in the most hated nation, however, recent events has them held in a negative light. Even in times of turmoil, both Russia and the Cowboys are seen as potential threats. Come the fourth quarter with everything on the line, it would be interesting to see who performs better–Vladimir Putin or Tony Romo.
Pittsburgh Steelers – England
A team filled with great tradition, the Pittsburgh Steelers represents England well. England was a powerhouse for a long time throughout history. Now a more peaceful country far less focused on imperialism, they still have plenty of worldly success. Steelers’ fans and the English have their greatest triumphs from long ago. This still doesn’t mean things can turn around immediately for either.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Madagascar
Irrelevancy, easily forgotten, and few free agents even contemplating a visit has the Jacksonville Jaguars and the island nation of Madagascar as nearly identical. I hear both have pretty nice weather too and only one is poorly run by its general manager.
New England Patriots – China
The best selection to represent China would be the New England Patriots. Completely contradictory based on the team nickname, the Chinese are still a perfect match. They have each gone through long periods of success with very little downfall. More importantly they march to beat of their own drum not caring what anyone else thinks. Their spies are both pretty good too.
San Francisco 49ers – Canada
This seemingly odd pairing does have merit to it. First, the city of San Francisco and the nation of Canada are very progressive thinking places. Second, the 49ers are currently the little brother of the championship Seahawks the same way Canada is the younger sibling to the United States.
Green Bay Packers – Japan
Japan cares about their history and image as do the Green Bay Packers. While you may never find anyone in Japan wearing a giant fake cheese on their head, this humble nation would be a good representative of the Packers organization. For as great as the Packers usually are it’s never really thrown in anyone’s face. The Japanese never brag about inventing Tamagatchi Pets.
Buffalo Bills – Mongolia
Even after multiple attempts at winning a Super Bowl the Buffalo Bills always failed. In a very similar fashion, the Mongolian Empire always came up short when trying to invade China. The Bills had Scott Norwood and the Mongols had the Great Wall of China stopping them; both very wide right.
Cleveland Browns – Cuba/North Korea
The Cleveland Browns might just be the most embarrassing football team in the league. Art Modell would play the role of Communist dictator well in this story of the team representing either Cuba or North Korea. It doesn’t really matter because both are a little too clumsy to ever do any serious damage.