Here are links to places you can find other works of mine.
How can someone enjoy reading a blog if they don’t have opening credits to go with it? They won’t know who I am or who the guest stars are. So here it is, the opening credits to my blog.
These are the names of bloggers who were around to comment a lot in 2012. Stick around for 2013 and you can be famous too.
When a bee is born it is a baby. Some babybees, however, even as adults maintain the babybee title.
I am a babybee and I actually have a babybee of my own. My babybee is great and here are 22 reasons why because it is 11 twice.
1) My babybee is great because she has lots of talents. I’m amazed sometimes by how much she can do. First she learned how to sing, then she learned how to draw, then it was dance, and finally it was figuring out how to write. I’m not sure which of these is the best because my babybee can do them all. This counts as one, however, I will include more on each.
2) My favorite song of my babybee is the Babybee Song. It’s best used for birthdays and reminding people about the size of their genital. My babybee actually won a competition singing Carol of the Bells; you know, the song the Trans Siberian Orchestra made popular.
3) Drawing may actually be my favorite thing the babybee can do. I suck at drawing so I appreciate it when I see very good art, particularly when it’s of people or dogs I care about.
(How many people can say strangers have their artwork hanging on their walls?)
4) The dancing isn’t something I have seen my babybee do very much. Since I am already an expert dancer, I’m not sure how impressed I would be with anything my babybee can do. At the same time, I know by now there are no limits to what she can.
5) Finally there’s writing, which I know for a fact is something my babybee is very passionate about. This might be the one thing my babybee has most in common with me, especially since my babybee knows very little about sports. I should hate her for that though, right?
6) Combined with all of these skills, the babybee’s talents are limitless. Her only flaw might be her jealousy of smelly fat men pretending to be Indian women, but that’s okay. Nobody is perfect although she’s pretty close and would say I am too.
(Actor Dennis Farina makes babybee jealous she is so silly)
7) Aside from her many talents, babybee is the perfect partner for making fun of everyone. Sometimes it gets really cruel to the point where if anyone else found out the way we speak about them, we’d only have each other. But that’s okay because then we’d be two bees in a pod and there’s no better thought in the entire world than this.
8) At this point I have been writing this in non-list form and just putting a number in front of each paragraph. For number 8, I would like to mention how forgiving and accepting my babybee is and let you know the rest of this list will be a little more traditional.
9) Babybee is not judgmental even when I eat two Medi-wraps, protein bars, and a giant Snapple (what are those?).
(Now stop asking)
10) Babybee is very supportive and reads about baseball and lets me cuddle with my baseball with my hip without getting too angry.
11) Babybee knows not to make sound effects whenever I drink water because I will choke from laughing.
12) Babybee stays up late and sacrifices precious sleep–usually for me! Even I wouldn’t do this because I am nowhere near as great as Babybee.
13) Babybee makes me really long books of cartoons and lets me keep them even though it would mean owning another blank notebook without lines!!!
14) Babybee doesn’t need expensive jewelry, clothes, or shoes. She doesn’t even wear makeup yet she’s as adorable as a micropenis. Shit, I’d call her as beautiful as a butt!
15) Babybee always has good TV show and movie recommendations.
(If only Lucy Liu was there)
16) Babybee is second most logical person I know after me. She’s also the second biggest piggy after me which makes things perfect.
17) Babybee can always make me laugh even though she is a woman.
18) Babybee has the best declarations ever.
19) Babybee can deadlift 80 pounds on the first try. She is such a Pac-Woman.
(Maybe one day she can be this beautiful)
20) Babybee is good complimenter/liar. I haven’t decided yet.
21) Babybee understands everything I tell her with the exception of one joke about boobs.
22) Babybee would be a good mama even if she makes mama face at our babybee someday.
I could go on further about how great babybee is. Did I even mention DF? Or candies? Or the Spiro treatments? I didn’t. There’s those.
There’s too much to mention about babybee and what a great human-being she is for one post. She has saved lives for fuck sake! Speaking of fuck, if babybee was here right now she’d probably say:
The babybee has spoken. Thank you for being you.
Let the 11 continue to roll on :3
I made an observation recently that I had no immediate answer to. Nearly every wealthy person I encounter is stunningly beautiful. Man, woman, white, black, gay, straight, and any combination of everything there is out there, most of these prosperous people are pleasing on the eye. They are fit, have great skin, and their faces are so beautiful I wonder what horrible things I did in a past life to get the one I have. After much thought I have come up with a few possibilities as to why people with money are so aesthetically pleasing.
They Can Afford Food and Personal Trainers:
When you have money you have a distinct advantage over the rest of the world. Everything costs money. I have never been a fan of the phrase “the best things in life are free” because this insinuates that Government Cheese is one of the best things in life. Healthy food is very expensive as are personal trainers. We all know by now that what you eat is the most important thing that affects your health, other than the obvious like playing in traffic or getting in trouble with the mafia. People who can afford to eat a nutritious and filling meal every day are going to be pretty healthy. People who can afford to do that while having personal training sessions at the same time are going to be even healthier. Could money be the main factor behind their beauty? The weights I lift are rusted and the only vegetables I eat are ketchup packets I steal from the corner store. So far, I’m not ruling it out.
They Are Rich Only Because They Look Good:
If money isn’t the most important thing in life then it’s being good-looking. Hey, I didn’t make the rules. This is just how things are. There always is the possibility that rich people are rich because of their good looks. Maybe they were hired because the person who did the interview found them attractive. And then there are jobs like professional model where being beautiful is what you do. Think of it in a way where you go to a restaurant and the waiter or waitress is unattainably attractive. Do you or do you not leave a little heftier tip? I always do because deep down somewhere in my soul I think it will make her like me. The same most likely happens with the wealthy. For instance, having a well-muscled lawyer with perfect hair and a strong jaw may be able to swing a shallow jury easier than an old man with a hunchback and pencil mustache.
They Have Gotten So Powerful That They No Longer Work Much:
Take a moment to think about your boss. Do they or do they not work far less than you do? In most fields it seems to me that the higher you get the less you actually do. When you have less work to do you have more time to do things that you want, like beautifying your body. Having worked for insanely rich people, I know they have wacky schedules. They seem to have every afternoon free to slap on a jogging suit and burn off carbohydrates. Could they be at the point in their careers where they are nothing more than a figurehead? I would simply ask them, but I’m not even close to their level in society yet. I am afraid they may speak to me like a dog.
It’s An Illusion:
I have to consider all possibilities here. Maybe these people are not physically attractive. Maybe these people appear attractive because they radiate confidence, since they bleed cash. I know if I was extremely well-to-do I would walk with my chest out, my hips forward, and a big grin on my face. Confidence is attractive for sure. I doubt this is the true reason why rich people are hot, but I didn’t want to leave anything out.
They Actually Do Work Hard At Everything:
This is crazy, but maybe rich people work hard at their jobs and still make time to live a healthy lifestyle. Not just anybody can start up a corporation or get a clearly guilty man an innocent verdict. There are a ton of rich people who inherited the cash the same as there are enough who really did earn it. The answer as to why they are so attractive will probably never fully be clear. For now though, I’m going to give them credit. I will continue staring at them from a distance while admiring their beauty, quietly wondering how I too could look so beautiful.
(But sometimes people not so rich are as beautiful as Joe Millionaire. Just look at those beautiful tan lines all over his face)
I’m not a big fan of comedies from the 1980s. Some people love them. Some people also die and it’s like “Oh okay well that was a little shocking. I have no opinion on this.”
As yesterday was Thanksgiving, I felt the need to watch Planes, Trains, and Automobiles since it’s the only Thanksgiving movie in existence. I laughed maybe two or three times. That said, it was an enjoyable movie and although I didn’t laugh I found it very entertaining.
(Okay guys, don’t laugh too hard. One of you is dead and the other has looked near death since the 1970s. Did Steve Martin ever not have grey Cal Ripken Jr. hair?)
I have ventured out and watched other comedies from the 1980s before. In general, they’ve been awful. The one I immediately think of is Trading Places. What was with that one part when they’re in the tennis club and the jocks (who are actually really dorky looking) begin to serenade their girlfriends in a 40-minute scene? Yes, 40 minutes of this movie is one scene of gross men in short shorts singing.
Okay so that’s an exaggeration. Like when someone tells you they will love you forever. The point is, Trading Places was ridiculously unfunny as are most comedies from the 1980s.
This may result in the removal of my testicles however I am willing to say it. John Hughes made some of the funniest movies in the decade. I don’t particularly like any of his Molly Ringworm films, but the ones like PTaA (that’s what huge fans of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles call it because most big fans of the movie are going to die soon and need to save time) are pretty good. Ferris Bueller Skips School, Strange Science, and although it was in the 1990s Home without the Parents starring Macauley Cokehead were all very entertaining. I’m not sure how laugh out loud funny any would be to me now. They still remain classics and ones I can appreciate.
In addition to the JH films (that’s what huge fans of John Hughes call him because most big fans of his movies are going to die soon and need to save time) I like the Zucker Brothers so don’t go thinking teen angst is my favorite genre of funny movie. I would much rather watch an inept cop like Frank Drebin.
I have similar opinions about comedies from the 1970s. I never understood why Blazing Saddles was funny. Caddyshack never made me laugh. Apocalypse Now has its humorous moments, but it’s too hard to take Marlon Brando seriously even in a parody film such as this.
The biggest difference I notice from comedies of the 1980s and 1990s/2000s is the 1980s seemed more influenced by the English. The situation was what was funny. Today especially, everyone needs to be snarky and make each other laugh in the film for it to be considered funny. I prefer somewhere in the middle, particularly when they don’t seem to be trying to make anyone laugh. It’s kind of like how the sexiest people don’t even need to try to be sexy: we just are.
Is Alec Baldwin smart? I hope so. His name is perfect as it matches the term Smart Alec or in more correct terms–Smart aleck.
I’m pretty sure Mr. Baldwin is dumb. If he had brains he would have eaten his brother Stephen for sustenance.
I like being a Smart Alec. In fact, it bothers me whenever I’m not. Sometimes I’m thrust into (no, not by Bill Cosby) a situation where I have to be more mature or respectful. I’m also stuck with a mini-brain aneurysm that causes me to respond less like I really think.
Name one thing worse than thinking of a funny smart ass response when it’s already too late. If you said 9/11 then okay you win. You may have even said Bill Cosby and again you win. But for me personally nothing is more painful than a delayed honest smarty pants response.
Walking through the filthy subway today toward my train, I spotted a girl that looked like a more attractive Maggie Gyllenhaal. To be fair, I describe my poop the same way; a more attractive Maggie Gyllenhaal. Bill Cosby knows what I’m talking about. Even he wouldn’t touch her.
This girl stood out because she was seemingly stuck and not in a rush. I on the other hand had a shit brewing in my tummy and a train to release my gas on. I made the mistake of making eye contact, the folly of all men. I noticed her clipboard too and knew she was trouble.
Nobody carries clipboards except for gym coaches and nuns interested in smacking you with them. It’s the flat wooden object of agenda driven assholes and the only thing on earth more likely to rape you other than Bill Cosby.
“I have one quick question for you,” she said.
For me? A question only I could answer? She said for me. This was no question anyone could help her with. This was knowledge that could only be passed from me to her.
“Yeah,” I cleverly remarked while displaying my extensive vocabulary and general kindness to all of those in need.
“Where do you think our drinking water comes from?” she asked while having a vagina.
I didn’t pause. Thankfully I was cold and in a rush. If I had time or she looked better, less like a white girl in college, I may have entertained her longer and eventually said something horrific as I tend to do in situations like these (conversations).
I thought about it briefly then said, “Uhh the sink.”
I said it in such a way too like she didn’t have some money raising pitch to give me. I answered as if she was really curious and wanted to know the answer. I sounded so sure of myself. I didn’t even inflect it like I had any doubt. There was no question mark at the end of my response.
“Thank you have a nice day,” she said as I continued walking without missing a step.
So was I right? Does the water we drink come from the sink? Or are we really just drinking the tears of women Bill Cosby knows?
Unless you got a really good note from a doctor, you probably had to participate in gym class during your youth. From kindergarten until for some of us university, we had to learn physical education. During my time learning about my body and how useless it was when it came to sports, I realized there were always the same types of kids in my gym class every year.
(I couldn’t find a good picture of kids in gym class so I used this one of them running away from a classmate with a gun)
My high school had a lot of really talented athletes who went on to do nothing with their abilities because as talented at sports as they were in comparison to me they really weren’t very good compared to the Soviets or anyone else who drinks blood before going for a jog. The Athlete treats gym class as an exhibition. He will dominate you at foursquare and he doesn’t hide in the back of the kickball batting lineup like I always did. This is also the one subject the athlete can shine in. They tend to smile at the girls after scoring a layup and it always does the trick, charming the gym shorts off the females in the class.
I thought girls were smart. Gym class proved to me that I was mistaken. So many girls would do whatever they could to get out of participating in gym class. Looking back I’m sure a lot of it had to do with their teenage body insecurities, but at the same time it’s not like I came from a generation that made us shower after class. I saw too many honor roll quality females get a C in gym class for simply not making an attempt at hitting a volleyball. Some girls who were otherwise social turned into shelled up antisocial outcasts during gym. They basically turned into me and that’s just sad.
The Red Faced Fat Kid
This was the category I often fell into. I was pretty competitive at sports before I didn’t have constant hip pain like I do now. When you are overweight and give it your all in sports this disgusting thing happens to your face where it turns red. Being of Irish descent, meaning I have the complexion of an unused Aryan toilet seat, my red face was a big change from my usual pale rash skin. I spent way too much time in gym class trying to win then heading off to math class smelling terrible and I would like to apologize to everyone who had to smell my pits whenever I raised my hand.
I have no medical license so I cannot completely diagnose these students who I saw as the gym class troublemakers. If I had to guess though they would probably have some form of severe ADD or demonic possession. Every year in gym class there was at least one kid who spent the entire period making monkey sounds while climbing on things he wasn’t supposed to. Other kids would shoot basketballs, purposefully missing and trying to hit other students in the head. I know this because sometimes I would do that. Given the choice between being known as the sweaty fat kid with the red face and the jerk, I will take being the jerk for eternity.
The Wannabe Athlete
These kids tended to hang around the real athletes only to realize they weren’t nearly as talented. Most of the time they were on the football team only because everyone makes the football team. After all, someone needs to get knocked over on a special teams play. The wannabe athletes were normally kids who would talk a big game and rarely back it up. At least as a red faced fat kid I wore my game on my face and on the huge circular sweat stain on the small of my back.
The Kid That Always Gets Hurt
You can toss this kind of gym class kid into any of the other categories as well, but this one is a necessary add-on for sure. Other than using a protractor incredibly wrong, gym class is usually the only class in school you will get hurt. A lot of the kids who always got hurt were athletes or the wannabe athletes. There was one kid I went to school with for years and every time he barely got touched he would pretend he was hurt really bad. He did this mostly whenever his team was losing or he screwed up, attempting to mask how his giant oval-shaped head was slowing him down during flag football. For some reason in his head he thought it was better to cry from an injury than admitting someone beat him fairly. I went to school with that kid for 13 years and we only have 5 mutual friends on Facebook. That shows you how different our social circles were.
The Take It Too Seriously Kid
Again, you can be other things and still be the take it too seriously kid. These classmates act as if they are going to win something more than a high-five from a teammate. The sport I remember seeing this kid in most was volleyball. My middle school and high school loved volleyball tournaments because it was non-violent and could be coed. Whenever a ball would land near a girl and she would step out of the way the kid who took it too seriously would scream at her like she lied about being on birth control. Why would you ever scream at a girl for wanting to not get sweaty? Needless to say, the kids that took gym class too seriously all ended up alone.
The Nerdy Girl That Actually Did Try
I would hate for you to think that I didn’t notice the girls who did try in gym class. Oddly enough from my experiences, the only ones who tried hard were the nerdy girls nobody ever noticed. Perhaps this is why they tried in gym class, to finally gain some credibility in the school. Most specifically I remember a particular nerdy girl trying to catch a kickball only for it to hit her in the face and knock her flat on her back. I think after that she learned her lesson that sports aren’t for everybody and she should stick to being weird and getting good grades. I have no idea where she ended up in life. Kudos to her, I wish I could be as elusive.
The only reason you should ever not date someone is if you are not attracted to them. Attraction is incredibly complicated and I am too dumb to understand it anyway. Instead let’s focus on the ridiculous requirements some people set for who they will or will not date based on things that go beyond attraction and border shallowness.
Many people will set a height requirement. Girls will refuse to date a guy shorter than they are. Some of their reasoning is because they want to feel safe. You want to feel safe? Where do you live that danger is affecting your love life? How many ninjas do you have after you? I also was not aware that a 6’4 guy could stop a bullet any better than someone who was 5’7. For guys they want the opposite, a girl shorter than they are. This is also foolish because there are a ton of beautiful women that are quite tall. Plus, a tall girl can protect a guy like me from danger. I know. I’m a hypocrite.
I used to say I would never date a girl who weighed more than me. This was a fair enough rule when I was over 200 pounds. Then not only did I lose weight, I also realized weight doesn’t matter when it comes to attraction. A person’s body defines way too much who they are in our society. Muscles, abs, and a tight body are great to look at. But will they nurture your needs? Will six-pack abs ever take you out for a nice dinner? No. All six-pack abs ever care about are starving themselves and popping out at nightclubs. You want a person with a six-pack? Enjoy that kale for dessert.
As much as I hate when people call things racist at the drop of a hat, it is racist to not even consider the possibility of dating someone of a certain race. It’s perfectly fine to have a preference. I get that. When you are unwilling to date a particular race it’s like saying they are not good enough for you. Believe it or not, this is actually a pretty common requirement people make. You should be willing to date people of any race. It may make you more cultured and it’s just the right thing to do.
4) Sports Fandom:
I have actually seen or heard people say they would not date someone who rooted for a rival team. This is one of the most ridiculous things ever. Most people root for a team because they were born in a particular place. So because your soulmate was born in Boston and roots for the Red Sox and you were born in New York and root for the Yankees you are not going to give eternal love and happiness a chance? Yeah, you deserve to die alone.
Long distance relationships can be tough. It also depends on how distant they are, but if you like each other I think it’s important that both parties do what they can to make it work. Technology is so amazing now that you can fall in love with someone over the Internet and have it turn out to be your younger brother upstairs in his bedroom catfishing you. Living an hour or two away from a person shouldn’t stop you from dating them if you like them. When you only date people living nearby it shows how selfish you are to your own needs and lifestyle along with how unwilling you are to explore simple things like people who live elsewhere. Meet some people who live somewhere else in a town you have never heard of. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who saw you pick your nose in high school?
There are certain things from a person’s past that you should always stay away from. If they were a third world dictator, leave them be. The majority of things though should be overlooked. Life is full of obstacles and so long as the person has overcome it then you should be proud to have a person in your life that actually can solve problems, especially their own. Plus the most flawed people are usually the most interesting.
I understand that religion is deeply important to some people out there. Still, refusing to date someone because they have a different religious belief seems silly to me. I thought religion was about your personal relationship with God(s)? As long as the person you are dating doesn’t make fun of you or get in the way of your belief system I don’t see the problem. Or maybe I just don’t get it. If you don’t want to date me because I am not religious then I accept that. I like sleeping in Sundays anyway.
8) Random Physical Characteristics:
Eye color, hair color, amount of facial hair, and other little things that barely make a person who they are tend to be requirements for some people. I couldn’t tell you a favorite eye or hair color that I have for a woman. Facial hair on a woman though, I like that to be limited. Beards are incredibly trendy these days for guys. I know girls who will only date guys with beards. For those girls I hope there is a guy out there for them who enjoys dating shallow women with possible daddy issues.
9) Nice Car:
Okay, I have never actually heard anyone say this, but it has to exist. There has to be at least one girl out there or even a guy who will not date someone unless they have a nice car. We all know by now a nice car usually is because the person lacks something else in their life. The closest I have ever experienced to this was a girl telling me that she was high maintenance and likes to buy expensive clothing. To her credit she finally gave me a reason to turn off my phone.
10) Anything I Forgot:
Feel free to hate me for not making a complete list. There are so many stupid reasons why one person may not date another that I am sure you know a few more. Really the point I wanted to get across here is that you should never be strict about who you date. The perfect person for you may come in a shape, color, eye color, or even a car you weren’t suspecting them to.
(I’m also not a fan of her “got my finger shut in the door” shade of nail polish)