How can someone enjoy reading a blog if they don’t have opening credits to go with it? They won’t know who I am or who the guest stars are. So here it is, the opening credits to my blog.

These are the names of bloggers who were around to comment a lot in 2012. Stick around for 2013 and you can be famous too.

Almost as useless to modern society as a sacrifice to a sun, the crossing guard still leaves its mark on society. Each day as I walk to work I run into these elite members of society. They may not be the most talented among us nor are they needed what with the “left, right, left” theory. My bias opinion of crossing guards begins with the fact my grandpa cheated on his wife with one, setting forth motion of continuous failed marriages in my bloodline. Know that we have established full disclosure as to why I may not have a high opinion of crossing guards, let me introduce you to the ones I see every morning.

Stubby

Stubby is an older woman shaped like a tree trunk. She is round, close to the ground, and probably has squirrels defecate on her. I have never called her Stubby at any time other than this because she is pretty much irrelevant and hard to insult since she actually does her job somewhat well. I also see her smoking a lot while she helps children cross the street which feels wrong.

Tree_stump1_30u06

The Hot Grandmother

I am not saying this woman actually is a grandmother. She may not even be a mother. I never have been close enough to her to even tell anything about her as she has marked her territory across the street from my walking route. She looks to be a bit older and in decent enough shape. My theory is that she got pregnant when she was very young and her daughter did the same thing which is why this woman has to work a shit job after retirement. I think I just like her because she has a ponytail coming out from her hat. Hats are very necessary for crossing guards, just so you know. If they ever do get hit by a car and are completely annihilated the family will have something to bury, the hat.

The Cranky Old Guy

My favorite crossing guard is probably the cranky old guy. Sometimes he yells at people for jaywalking and other times he encourages it. He’s hard to read. Maybe he yells because he cares and maybe he encourages it hoping that someone might get hit. Imagine being a crossing guard and never seeing someone get hit by a bus. That’s like a cop never getting to fire his gun. The cranky old guy also has a cranky old guy voice. He says “Come on!” like he has somewhere to be other than headed toward the grave. Since I actually wrote this a few months ago I have developed a good standing with him where we see “Morning” to each other.

statler

“Go Ahead”

The laziest crossing guard of all is the guy who I have never seen step into the street with his stop sign to actually do his job. Instead he kind of waves his stop sign and says “Go ahead” to us pedestrians. I’m not sure why he thinks this is in his job description. All he has to do is step out into the road. Does he not want the powertrip that gives you, to stop traffic dead in its tracks? He’s probably a nice guy and all, but I would at least like to see my tax dollars that I do not pay go to more use.

The Singing Black Guy

There’s a black guy near the school every morning who seems to sing slave songs. I know he has a lot of resentment toward me as my ancestors’ only struggle in history was not having enough potatoes. Don’t get me wrong, a potato famine sound terrible. What did the Irish eat with their hamburgers back then if there were no chips or fries? What did they do with all of that extra butter? The singing black guy is indeed nice and I am now “boss” to him. Maybe he is actually just trying out for a musical version of The Green Mile. He has yet to ask me to take his hand though.

michaelclarkeduncan

You’re On Your Own Woman

The final crossing guard I see is at the busiest intersection of all. This lady will help pedestrians cross when the walk sign first changes then stop for the rest of the time, when cars are actually more likely to speed through. She basically is letting us mobile-impaired folks know that we are on our own when it comes to getting to our destination without getting Marcellus Wallace’ed. She behaves like I’m some kind of homeless man and she’s me, paying no attention to my existence. Do your job woman. You get to hold an octagonal sign. You’ve won life’s scratch-off lottery.

I was asked at work to put on ad on Craigslist for two positions. We got 110 replies. I estimate half didn’t follow directions. I clearly said place your resume and cover letter in the body of the email and most of these idiots included an attachment. To these people I replied with a severe rejection in PDF format.

PDF-300x300(Did you know if you look at the Adobe Acrobat symbol upside down it looks like Abraham Lincoln?)

I will probably go into this further at some point when I have the opportunity because there was so much stupid. However, here is the best I have seen so far.

Applicant 1:

Girl sent a really lengthy list of why she would be perfect for the job. She didn’t include a resume or cover letter, just a laundry list of why she would be perfect. Then she sent another email with an attachment with the same stuff, this time including a picture of her face where she was barely smiling.

Applicant 2:

hi,
I LOVE DOGS!!

i am a photographer and a filmmaker w lots of sales / serving and dealing w people experience …
we had 5 dogs growing up and rumor has it when i left dad replaced me w another pup :)

i would prefer administrative role!
more on my experience and resume below -
 
Summary of Qualifications
 
  • 4 years sales and customer service experience
  • Excellent communication skills
  • POS Experience
  • Punctual and Reliable
  • Fluent in English
  • Friendly and outgoing personality

The poor writing, short-hand, and the trying to be too cute is a major turn-off. Not to mention, they have experience as a Piece of Shit (POS Experience). I’m also happy they let me know they are fluent in English which I had my doubts about. They also sent this from a Canadian email address.

Applicant 3:

As a recent [college] graduate, I would like to fill the position of Administrative Assistant.  I have an efficient amount of management and clerical experience and I am positive that I would be able to contribute to this facility.  It was recommended that I apply to this agency. After reading about the agency, I am equally interested in the position.  I have a B.A in Psychology and am looking to start a career.  
        My written and oral communicative skills have definitely grown not only from my educational background but also from my experiences in the workplace.  It is important to have these skills for this position because communicating with people is a large part of the job.  I believe that I am able to handle any of the issues that may arise while on the job.  I am a very fast learner and will be able to put what I learn into action.  I am proficient in Microsoft programs such as word, excel , and powerpoint.  
 
There’s a lot wrong here. First, the use of agency when we are not an agency. Overall this is very unimpressive and reads like a 3rd grade essay written in blood with the last ounce of strength the child may have. Also, please capitalize the program names in the last sentence.
 
Finally, the applicant finished this off with saying the most ridiculous thing imaginable…
 
I do require a starting salary of $30,000 a year.
 
^^^^^^ENTITLEMENT^^^^^^^
 
And I apologize to anyone who may have broken their computers while holding it upside down to see Abraham Lincoln’s face.

My earliest memory is me standing in my crib hearing the television from the other room. The weird thing about this memory is I see it from someone else’s perspective which leads me to believe this never happened. I have a lot of early memories like this. I remember the time I broke my leg when I was 2 or 3-years-old. I broke my leg after jumping off the stairs trying to fly like Peter Pan. I think this happened to a lot of kids except with Superman. I always liked Batman more so I would imitate him by saying both of my parents were dead.

The way I remember breaking my leg, I fell down the stairs in a very Homer Simpson-like way bouncing off of every stair I hit making humorous noises each time. When I reached the bottom I did a flip and then two people were sitting in the room playing checkers and one turned to the other and said “King me!” This couldn’t possibly have happened either because my memory is from the house I grew up in and I broke it in another house I don’t remember at all.

Some of my first memories though are true. I remember the first time going to a friend’s house and him excusing himself to use the bathroom. Ten minutes later I heard him yell, “Mom! I’m done. Come wipe my butt!”

The first day I rode the school bus the driver pulled over and told us a short story. He said that the year before there was some kid who would always bring his pail to school. This is a pail like you would bring to the beach to fill up with sand then throw into someone’s eyes. His sob story ended with him saying he wanted to pass the pail to someone else. The way he told the story was so marvelous. He asked if anyone wanted the pail and of course everyone did because he made it seem so beautiful. He selected the closest kid to him, a kid named Bobby that always ate cupcakes.

shovel and pail(The shovel and pail falls somewhere between the kite and wooden horse on fun)

 

I experienced losing for the first time in my life. About three years later that same bus driver punched a high school student who gave him sass and his name being Lester made him Lester the Molester which if you think about it is very unfair. He punched her in the face. He should be Lester the Arrester or Lester the Nester as in he nests  his fist into the jaws of young girls in the mid-90s.

I also remember seeing a few movies in the theaters. When I saw Aladdin so many more people came into the theater later that they restarted the movie. There would be a riot if they did that today. So I had to watch that terrifying scene with the lion face in the sand eat the fat guy twice.

aladdin cave of wonders(Back when Disney was focused mostly on scaring kids to death)

What I’m trying to say here is it doesn’t matter what you do to your kid before a certain age. Lock them in a closet or buy them expensive cakes. They’re not going to remember much.

Fantasy baseball is starting again soon and I hate to repeat team names. Last year I was the Miami Carlins and the Atlanta Slaves.

miami carlins

 

atlanta slaves logo

 

I also played fantasy football. My team name there was the Cleveland Drowns.

cleveland drowns

As you can see, they got progressively harsher and specific.

Here are some potential baseball names I may go with this year and football ones I have thus far:

Philadelphia Willies – Symbol is a bunch of penises

New York Getz – Symbol is Lethal Weapon character Leo Getz near the Statue of Liberty

Los Angeles Rogers – Symbol is a bunch of people named Roger like the black kid from Sister Sister

Toronto Blue Gays – Symbol is a bunch of upset protesting gay people/Chris Crocker crying/Blue Man Group sex picture

Houston Castratestros – Symbol is a penis without any balls

Los Angeles Angles – Symbol is a right angle

Tampa Bay Lays – Symbol is a bag of potato chips

Cincinnati Beds – Symbol is a bed

Cincinnati Meds – Symbol is one of those pill cases with every day of the week

Cincinnati Dreads – Symbol is a guy with dreadlocks

Cincinnati Peds – Symbol is a bunch of famous pedophiles

Arizona Diamondslacks – Symbol is a pair of pants with diamonds on them

Chicago Rubs – Symbol is a Vietnamese woman giving a massage

Milwaukee Jewers – Symbol is someone haggling the price down

I’ll stop there with baseball. For football I only have two so far:

Kansas City Queefs – Symbol is a vagina fart

Philadelphia Keagles – Symbol is a vagina tightening exercise

Any other suggestions are welcome.

How does one measure talent? To each of us, average skills are weighed differently. There are plenty of things I am good at. I have never once put a fork into a toaster (mostly because I do not own a toaster). I’m a very loving father and husband to my fictional family that does not exist. My talents are endless. However, there are five simple things everyone else can do that I never once have been able to pull off.

Snapping Fingers

Is it the friction of the skin or is it the cracking of the knuckles that causes the loud snapping sound? I have no clue. Never have I been able to probably snap. I imagine my hand breaking each time I try. When I do try, my fingers awkwardly rub together. The only sound anyone hears is embarrassment coming from my face for not being able to pull off one of the simplest of physical movements.

Broken_Finger_by_umop3pisdn(This is the only way I can ever snap my fingers–in an elevator door)

Blow Bubbles

I love chewing gum. I love chewing it so much I deny myself the right because I would become addicted. One of the perks of chewing gum is getting to blow bubbles, sometimes if you are feeling extra cruel, into other people’s hair. To be fair, I have gotten around three small bubbles in my lifetime, but not since the 1990s. My bubble blowing success resembles good Pearl Jam albums in that way. I have since given up trying to blow bubbles because it’s not cute anymore when a bubble appears through chapped lips and a five o’clock shadow.

ben affleck(This is the first time Ben Affleck blew something not named Matt Damon)

Ride a Bike

The biggest reason I have never tried out for ‘The Amazing Race’ other than I am not in good enough shape, cannot drive stick, and struggle to communicate with others while in pressure situations it that I never learned how to ride a bike. I can ice skate, which probably means I could fly a plane without practice, but riding a bike is something I never did without tipping over. This is a fine testament to the childhood I had where the only thing my parents taught me was that the louder you yell the more crying will occur.

dog bike(Great editing taking out the nails through the paws to keep the dog up)

Sit in a Chair Comfortably

Even the most laziest of activities I cannot do without failing. Sitting in a chair for me is torture. I have studied everything I have read online and never can I master this ancient art of doing nothing. My feet never touch the ground without stretching and my back always slouches. As I type this I am standing, which I do often. The standing has given me foot problems so I am basically headed down a path of being bedridden by 30.

Boy_sitting_in_Monte_Ne_chair_at_Frisco_Park,_1987(The kid not only looks comfortable in the chair, but he also has an awesome shirt and an epic haircut. I hate him!)

Whistle

Going to work is rarely fun. Going to work and not being able to obnoxiously whistle the entire time is even worse. I envy Snow White’s dwarves, whistling all day on the job. This is something I can never accomplish. It doesn’t matter how many times I watch the ending of ‘Casablanca’ and take the advice “Just put your lips together and blow.” When I try this spit flies and it sounds less like a bird call and more like a Whoopee cushion.

obama whistling(The president whistling for fun or getting ready to kiss a foreign dictator’s ass?)

I think the worst insult you can give a person is to tell them that they have a bad haircut. These are my reasons:

1) They look ugly. Nobody likes to look ugly. I do sometimes to keep some women and every homosexual man from touching me. You know how those gay men are, groping everyone they can. Plus people are nicer to you when you are ugly. They think you might be a dangerous serial killer and they have more respect for your personal space.

2) You paid to look ugly. The way we spend our money matters to other people for some reason. Making a poor purchase will change people’s opinions of us. Money is something that once you lose it you have no way of ever earning back. Haircuts are expensive too, starting at around $10 if you want a simple trim and some light flirting from the barber. They usually cost around $20 if you want to hear a good war story.

3) You accepted looking ugly. Not only do you look ugly and you paid for it, you accepted it. You rolled over and allowed yourself to appear less than perfect. The first thing people notice about each other is their skin color. The second is their haircut. If you have a bad one people will not like you.

I am not a person who ever has good haircuts. I shave my head once or twice a year and the rest of the time I let it grow out, dead and thinning. My hair looks like a brush fire went through it right now, probably because an actual hairbrush never has. Thank goodness for hats to hide my shame.

miley cyrus ugly hair miley cyrus haircut(Hey Stupid, put on a hat)

What’s your favorite insult?

I have not been updating this blog as much as I had planned this month. One could say I have been as busy as a beaver!

The first week this month I spent reliving Groundhog’s Day over and over again. It was really terrible having to watch that boring Super Bowl so many times. I actually didn’t watch it. This is called taking creative liberty like when people talk about slavery existing. Yeah right! Where’s the evidence?

slaves-in-field(Clearly Photoshopped! The guy in the back on the far right has a butt with 90 degree angles)

Then I was not home for a few days because I was staying with my girlfriend Molly.

Molly1

 

MollyClimbing

 

Then I came home and continued on with a normal life.

On Monday I received terrible news midday. Yahoo Sports where I have been writing terrific articles and making a nice coin while doing so will no longer accept contributions from asses like me beginning February 21st. After only 23 articles I have already gotten more views than I have from this blog. I’ve also been called an idiot a lot more too, I’m sure. I never look at the comments.

Upset by the news I arrived home where I actually received some awesome news. My sports blog Phalse Philly Sports has been discovered by several radio personalities in Philadelphia (okay, two of them) but one has actually mentioned my blog at least twice on his show and how much he loves it. He is also giving me the opportunity to produce a weekly segment for his show, which I will be working on this weekend after writing jokes for it all week long.

writing(My best joke it goes “Small squiggly line, big squiggly line, m, ink blot”)

I will continue to be a busy beaver into next week as I would like to write as many articles as I can for Yahoo Sports before they discontinue their program. There is supposedly a chance they could return to letting people like me contribute, but there is no guarantee.

That’s what I have been up to. I’d ask you what you have been doing, but I already told you about me and the only reason to ever ask anyone what they are up to or how they are feeling is so they ask you back. I said what I had to. Now be gone!