Archive for April, 2011

Car Windows

Posted: April 30, 2011 in April 2011

I’m really thankful for the invention of car windows. They give me the option to keep my car nice and warm or to feel the wind run through my elbow hair. The best thing about car windows everyone around me from all of the vile things I say about them as I drive by. If it wasn’t for car windows then I would most likely have been beaten dead by every race, age, sexual orientation, religion, weight, facial structure, disability, Republican, and student driver that there is. Kudos to you car windows. Without you I would surely have many lawsuits.

Limbs

Posted: April 30, 2011 in April 2011

Whenever I see a person missing an arm, a leg, a breast, or another important body part I feel bad for them.

Whenever I see a person missing hair, finger nails, eyebrows or other useless body parts I think they’re a creep.

I spit on those people.

Neighbors

Posted: April 30, 2011 in April 2011

I don’t like my neighbors. Some may take this as an act against God. He said love thy neighbor. Easy for him to say when he’s living in the same place as Mozart and Bruce Lee.

It took me months before I even talked to a single one of my neighbors. The guy next to me used to be a black guy in his 20’s that drove the same type of car as me. We both ended up getting different cars and no longer had an opening to a conversation. I heard him fight with his girlfriend once. Or his mom. I’m not one to judge who he was sleeping with.

The other neighbor I talked to lived above me. He was also black, a bit older. He would complain to me about whatever he could and before we ever talked he would nod to me as he sat on his balcony like the king that he was. He disappeared at the beginning of this year and I can only assume that the Illuminati are behind it, or he moved.

Next to him was a large Mexican family. They weren’t so much fat as they were plentiful. They didn’t speak English and the “dad” (not sure if he was the dad, but they called him that, Papi actually) sleeveless shirts a lot as men called Papi tend to do. They were loud sometimes, but never caused much trouble.

I am now the last man standing in this merry group of misfits. They are all gone but not forgotten, replaced with new duds that I am not as fond of.

The first to go was the guy who shared the same type of car as me. His replacement was a couple with their young son and two small, yippie dogs. They now have a new small yippie dog and no bedroom for their son. I imagine he sleeps on a bed of tiny dogs. Maybe the son was created as a bed for the dogs. I’m not sure. All I know is that the man of the house needs to stop wearing a robe outside. His ankles always have a rash. They never pick up after their dogs which is inconvenient considering I have to walk over their lawn to do my laundry. They’re lazy and wear robes. It’s like living next to a fat cult of two.

The Mexican family and the black man who would take shits above me disappeared around the same time. Their replacements also came back in around the same time. The Mexicans were replaced with a doppelganger of the family below them aka a fat couple with a child. They were noisy the first few weeks they moved in, but have since calmed down. I’m not exactly sure who lives there. I’ve seen a Judah Friedlander lookalike that makes funny noises and a black guy that sings radio requests into his phone outside my window. I thought at first I was being serenaded until he said some radio call letters and I know that my name isn’t WXRQ.

The worst of the bunch to move in now live above me. There are a lot of people there almost every night. I know there’s a kid named Jamal that is in the family because I heard “Stop it Jamal or I will smack you” followed up by a child crying. I think Jamal might be the 6 year old that opened my door one day when I was luckily not masturbating. His loss. There is a creepy man that stands on their balcony smoking and throws cigarettes down onto the ground. This bothers me, but it really isn’t even my lawn in the first place. I can build a snowman anywhere I want since I don’t have a designated space to do so. Maybe I’ll do it right behind their nice car that they own. Why do poor people without jobs own nice cars? I know this sounds like the setup to a clever pun, when in reality it is a question that I would really like an answer to.

I once saw a billboard that said “Love Thy Neighbor.” If I could piss 50 feet into the air and hit any target I would have tested it out right then and there.

Team Names

Posted: April 29, 2011 in April 2011

There always seems to be controversy over the nickname a sports team has. Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves, Washington Redskins; these all have one thing in common. They’re named after a group of people that the white man so graciously wiped out with muskets and sneezes.

Being 1/16th Cherokee myself, I am not offended by any of those names. I think there are much more offensive names in sports. Any team named “Tornadoes” or “Hurricanes” is offensive to me. People are killed constantly by these two natural disasters yet we name our teams after them. There are even more disastrous ones that go unnoticed at first glance. The Philadelphia Phillies are named after a female horse. Do you know how many people are kicked to death while fucking a female horse every year? Some.

The Yankees are named after a group of rebellious militia, the Sabres are named after a decapitating weapon, and the Heat are named after the number cause of death/complaint in the senior community.

I have decided that if all of those team names are acceptable then so are the following:

Harrisburg Heart Attacks

Sport: Basketball

Logo: A stiff left arm

History: After another failed title run, the New York Knicks are moved to a more obscure city and named after what they’ve been giving their fans for years.

Los Angeles HIV

Sport: Football

Logo: A blood test paper with a “plus” sign on it

History: L.A. finally gets a football team. A man named F.U. Sinclair who is a big fan of initialisms starts an expansion team known as L.A. H.I.V. They forfeit the season after 4 games.

Baltimore Breadlines

Sport: Baseball

Logo: A piece of bread in flames coming out of its ears

History: To get everyone more comfortable with the poverty of the city, team owners get rid of the pleasant Oriole and replace it with something they see a lot more, bread lines. Opening day breaks new attendance records thanks to the special give away for fans 14 and under, bread!

Mobile Crowes

Sport: Basketball

Logo: A white shop owner standing across from a black man pointing to the exit

History: The south has risen again and they are tired of blacks taking over basketball. Named after the Jim Crowe laws, they create a new team in Mobile, Alabama and make sure that only white players are allowed. It takes them 4 years to win a game.

Quebec Cancer

Sport: Hockey

Logo: A cancer cell with a cartoon face hitting a white blood cell with a hockey stick.

History: Quebec has seceded from Canada successfully and make sure to represent themselves in the NHL. They fair much better than most expect, even if the 20 men on the roster have 10 testicles between them.

New York 9/11s

Sport: Baseball

Logo: An angry plane wielding a baseball bat smashing it into a building

History: Capitalizing on the tragedy and knowing their the name “Mets” is too offensive to the human ear already, New York’s second class baseball team change their names to something more modern.

Jacksonville Holocausts

Sport: Football

Logo: None, their uniforms are striped with their numbers tattooed on their sleeves

History: Every Holocaust survivor has now died. Every Jaguar on the planet has go rabid and kills without mercy. The commissioner of football only sees it fitting that the team come up with a much less offensive name that does not bring grief. He’s also a Porsche man.

Mooselickers

Posted: April 28, 2011 in April 2011

I typed “mooselicker” into Google and found quite a few things that came up. The first thing was some goofball on Myspace. He has 50 friends and likes Staind.

From what I could stalk, his name is something similar to “mooselicker” and that must be his nickname. That or he eats furry fat girl pussy a lot. Either way I’m jealous of all of his friends and his cool nickname.

Calories

Posted: April 28, 2011 in April 2011

A lot of foods and beverages are way off on their calorie counts. Sometimes I don’t understand why this is. Other times I completely understand why this is. I’m going to talk about the latter of the two.

Two things I am addicted to are diet soda (0 calories) and gum (usually 5 calories). If I could sit around drinking soda and chewing gum all day I would. Sometimes I begin to chew gum, get thirsty, and without taking the gum out of my mouth I down some soda. Sometimes I will be drinking soda and forget that I still have it there, pop a piece of gum into my mouth, and then drink some soda. This doesn’t taste good or bad and unlike with Pop Rocks, there is no risk.

I have decided to make a more accurate calorie count for some of the lesser caloric items that exist.

Diet Soda-

They Say: 0 calories

I Say:  negative 34 calories

My Logic: I drink soda by the can. I do this because cans, like my spirit, are harder to crush than a bottle. Carrying the can alone is negative 11 calories. That leaves another mystery 23 calories. You subtract 8 calories for opening the can, using those pointer finger muscles, and subtract the other 15 from the time it takes to drink it, using those ever so needed throat muscles.

Gum-

They Say: 5 calories

I Say: negative 2 calories for every chew

My Logic: Chewing gum is great exercise. It improves mouth endurance and builds a strong jaw. If you chew gum frequently not only will you burn many calories, you will also be able to take a punch better when someone socks you in the face for your constant moving of the mouth.

Water-

They Say: 0 calories

I Say: 100 calories

My Logic: When a person drinks water they say to themselves “I did good job, me deserve treat.” They then proceed to grab a 100 calorie pack of one of their favorite treats. Only fat people eat one hundred calorie packs. Think about it.

Carrots-

They Say: 10 calories

I Say: negative 1 calorie

My Logic: I don’t eat carrots. In fact I hate them. Orange skin belongs on prom girl skin, not my food. The minus one calorie comes from me walking past the carrots at the grocery store and making a disgusted face.

Candy-

They Say: Approximately 200 calories (per serving)

I Say: Approximately 1,000 calories (per serving)

My Logic: If I eat one tiny bit of candy I then assume that I should eat all bits of candy. And then order a pizza. And then feel too sick to exercise. This would be more except that I factored in that after eating all of the candy you will sob to yourself alone which burns 430 calories per hour.

Open Letters

Posted: April 28, 2011 in April 2011

An Open Letter to People Who Write Open Letters:

Stop it!

Take Care,

Me