Archive for August, 2011

Michael Vick the dog killer is now making 16.7 million dollars a year for the next 6 years equaling out to around $100 million. That’s about 16.6837593198503 more than I make a year. I have never killed a dog.

Everyone that I have ever loved will not combined make that much money. I have never loved someone who has killed a dog.

I’ve wanted to kill dogs. They’re annoying. They yip. They yap, but I show restraint. I know that killing dogs is a bad thing. I’m younger than Michael Vick and I know that killings dogs is wrong. He went to college and still didn’t learn that killing dogs was a bad thing. Isn’t college supposed to make you smart? Guess not. People who graduate from college are dog murderers, like Michael Vick.

RANDOM INCONSEQUENTIAL FACT: Michael Vick has played for the Falcons and the Eagles. He has never killed a bird. He only kills dogs.

People say that Michael Vick has served his time and deserves a second chance. I agree. Osama Bin Laden has been killed. Lets reanimate him to give him a second chance. The Raiders need a punter. Bin Laden’s got big feet.

Here’s a suggestion. Michael Vick can play football but he can’t get paid to do it. We take that $100 million dollars and give it out to 100 people and divide it evenly. These 100 people are told to start a business. With their now $1 million dollars, they start their dream businesses and hire the unemployed. This creates jobs. If the jobs say are low paying, around $20,000 a year, and half of that million goes into investing in products and the salary of the owner, 25 new people can have jobs at each of these. Multiple that by 10 and you have created 250 new jobs. And that’s all if the business goes nowhere. If the business goes somewhere, more people will be hired, franchises could be made, and even more money can be made. It’s a simple idea that makes logical sense but won’t happen because we reward dog killers like Michael Vick.

When people have to struggle to feed their families while men who strangle dogs as a hobby can continue to make assloads of money, I throw up a little bit. If you don’t, you’re a dog killer too. Professional athletes are overpaid as it is. Now, dog killers are overpaid too.

I don’t believe Michael Vick has redeemed himself. I don’t believe that he should be seen as a hero. He’s a guy who allowed dogs to fight and then get killed. The phrase “second chance” was created for every situation but this. Second chances are given to guys who blow it on the first date. To kids who forgot to study for an exam. There are no second chances in football so why give dog killers like Michael Vick one at living the dream?

Diversities

Posted: August 30, 2011 in August 2011
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Since when did the word Diversity mean tall, slender, lesbian, Asian woman with a blue mustache? Diversity means weird and unusual now? It seems like everywhere I turn I’m being told about diversity. I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Everyone should get an equal opportunity. But what diversity has become recently is an evil demon.

I skipped Diversity Day when I was in middle school. It had nothing to do with diversity. Fat kids just take off a lot of school. Usually Mondays. That was my day to fake sick. My sophomore year of high school I used up every day I could take stay home and it was always on a Monday. It was a brilliant scheme that I will sue you if you try. Having a Diversity Day in my school was silly though. We had maybe 10% black kids, 4% Asian, and even less than that percent whatever other nationalities there are. Point being, it was mostly all white kids. The only thing Diverse about us was if we’d pay for our lunch with cash or a credit card. HaHaHa but seriously folks, we were all the same dumb middle class children.

I’m trying to enter a writing contest that comes around at the beginning of next year. They want diverse people. Why I ask? Why should diversity matter with a specific skill or in my case, delusional hope? When I think of a room full of diverse writers, I think of a room of William Shakespeare, Edgar Alan Poe, and Tom Clancy. They all bring something different to the table yet they are all white. They are extremely diverse. Maybe using Willy and Poe wasn’t that great of a point as they do have a bit of a similarity, but the point is that they all look enough alike and yet are still, the key word here, diverse.

Now the contest is looking for diverse people. Could they mean that it’s possible for 10 white dudes to win? Not a chance in hell. I’ve looked at past winners of this contest and of others. They usually accept around 10 applicants and do you know what I found out about these people? 2 black women, 2 Asian women, 2 Asian men, 2 black men, a something or other, and 1 white guy. ONE! This was the most diverse group I found too. I’ve found some that exclude white people all together. It’s Jim Crowe’s laws in reverse. Crowe Jim Laws which doesn’t sound as neat and more like a demand for Jim to do animal noises. Back to my point which has turned more into a prod with a stick, the word diversity has become ugly. Now it means get as many non-white people into your program as possible to show that you are indeed diverse. I think it’s fair for everyone to have a fair chance but to then make it that only 1 of every group gets in doesn’t seem right. Imagine if we did that with other jobs. Think about your job if there was 1 Spanish person, 1 black person, 1 Jewish person, 1 Indian person, and so on. It’d be like the cast of a television show and we don’t live on television, we live through it. I also think that most shows are cast this way so it’s easier for people to tell characters apart. Think about any war movie. If you liked it then chances are you could tell everybody apart. Example: Saving Private Ryan. All of the characters looked completely different from each other. They had a Barry Pepper nose, a Tom Sizemore stomach, or a Vin Diesel Down Syndrome smirk. Then there’s Black Hawk down where you can’t tell one skinny white guy from the next. That’s a time where this new wave of diversity would have come in handy. Cast a 6’8 Indian woman as a Somali General. So what if it’s inaccurate? We’re all too stupid to realize anyway.

Diversity is unnatural. Look anywhere that a group of diverse people are. They assimilate with their “own kind.” Chinatowns, Little Italy’s, even in high school cafeterias children even know to sit with people that are like them. I’m not saying diversity is a bad thing. What we do with it is what really bugs me. And just because it’s not natural doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t still do it. It’s unnatural to be nice to each other and share food with strangers and yet we still do. We’re only about 4,000 years from really civilizing ourselves to a degree. We still have a lot of progress.

Putting a label on anything isn’t a good idea. When you say someone gets hired because they’re a certain color isn’t any different than not hiring them for the same reason. I know minorities have had it rough in the past. But the past is the past. Barely anyone in this country will ever meet someone that was a slave. And if they do meet them, it was far away in a place that you had to be driven to with a cape over your head. I don’t think it’s important that you put a group of diverse people into a room. Instead I think we should teach ourselves to be diverse individuals. Have different interests and talk to people from different backgrounds. That’s what makes you diverse.

There are some actors whose art has been overlooked. They have talent and more importantly range. The actor with the most range, Ben Stiller.

I don’t know if he deserves an Academy Award, Oscar, or BAFTA; what I do know is that he deserves some acknowledgement. I’ve managed to compile some video clips trying to do my best to represent this brilliant actor. You may need to see the entire film to get the full effect, but hopefully this is good enough.

Lets take a look at the life and acting range of one of the most talent actors since 1997, Ben Stiller.

Here is a clip from him in the movie Heavyweights. Wow, wouldn’t want to mess with this guy! He’s mean and silly, possibly gay. A once in a lifetime role.

Now here is a clip of Ben Stiller in the film Dodgeball. Check out the comedy chops on this guy. He says strange things with a funny tough guy voice. I can’t see this character crossing over into any other film.

Ben Stiller doesn’t always play a bad guy, no, sometimes he plays a quirky guy where everything goes wrong for him! Take this scene from Along Came Polly. I would venture to guess that this film was based on a true story. Can’t write a character like this!

Here’s a chance to check out Ben Stiller in a little bit of a different role. He played the loveable goof in the film Meet the Parents which spawned two sequels. I remember when this first came out. Critics didn’t think he could pull off being the zany guy in an uncomfortable situation, but he did!

Remember There’s Something About Mary? That’s right, Ben Stiller played the goofball who had trouble getting the girl in this one. Things turned out though as they tend not to in Ben Stiller’s films.

Finally for your viewing pleasure, Ben Stiller being a reluctant conformist who is a bit of a pussy in the film Mystery Men. He plays a super hero so that’s different than all of his other movies, right?

What kind of character will Ben Stiller be next? Maybe he’ll be a shy, awkward man who seems to be followed by disaster. Or better yet, maybe he’ll reprise the role of a villain with a bit of a twist, a cocky guy who wobbles his head a lot. I know I can’t wait.

Song Thieves

Posted: August 29, 2011 in August 2011
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Listen to the first 5-8 seconds of each of these songs. They are exactly the same.

Song 1

Song 2

Parents

Posted: August 27, 2011 in August 2011
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We all have at one point had parents. Some of us for only a second before we were handed over to the orphanage or thrown off a cliff into the ocean. My guess is if you fall into the second category (no pun intended) that you are unable to read this due to the unfortunate event of smashing your face into a rock.

The worst parent in the world we can probably say right now is Casey Anthony. We all know that she somehow was involved in the death of her daughter. The problem is that it’s too hard to prove exactly how, thus, making her not guilty. By covering up the death it made her look all that much worse. There is always a chance that the child could have been saved, but out of fear she chose not to report it. ANY parent who lets their child die is a bad parent. No matter what the circumstances. When a person becomes a parent their job is to nurture and protect ALL of their children. That’s what a parents job is and Casey Anthony didn’t do that.

Some parents are on the opposite side of Casey Anthony. Let’s take God for instance. He had a son named Jesus who he let die. But that was different. God sacrificed his only son for all of mankind. For the rest of his children. Okay, that’s fine. Sacrifice one for the good of the rest. But you know what? The rest of God’s children all die too. Every single one of us die no matter what. God created the universe and he chose for all of his children to die. He only gives us about 75 years of living too. Not very much when you look at aspect ratios, which, I do. But then we get to join him in Heaven if we followed all of daddy’s rules. We did our chores and weren’t fooled by all the other parents trying to convince us that their ways are best. We capitalize “His” name even when it’s a preposition out of respect because he’s our dad. Yet we all still die and the world is full of murder and disease. Maybe those nutty doctors are right. Children cannot be raised by only a father.

I know that Jesus died for man’s sins, but couldn’t God just bend the rules on sins and let his ONLY son live? God created EVERYTHING! He can change the rules slightly to let his son have a little bit of a longer life. It doesn’t seem fair. God dumps his son off with another couple and then when Jesus is old enough God has him killed. That sounds like a great STORY that would last forever and be remade into Star Wars.

If you’re an expecting parent, remember, your children are now the most important thing in your life. Whether you want them or not, it’s your job to protect them and give them everything you have. Make them feel safe. Give them a happy life. Don’t let any harm happen to them. If you do choose to let it happen though say that it was to save someone else. People may actually start worshipping you.

Hindus

Posted: August 27, 2011 in August 2011
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I would like to issue a formal apology to all Hindus. I completely forgot that you exist! Really, can you blame me? You haven’t done much in a while. You’ve recently been overshadowed by Muslims in recent years. It must make you feel awful.

Hindus have contributed a lot to this world and I would like to acknowledge that. They’ve sacrificed not eating cows so that we can have double cheese burgers. Us Americans would never do something like that. Especially for a group of people with a multi-armed Elephant as a God.

Of course, Hindus have also given us every joke about a dot on a head possible. That dot takes commitment. Catholics do something similar on ash Wednesday. It’s that day every spring where you walk around the city and wonder why you never noticed how many people around you had facial moles. It’s stupid. Not like Hindus. They make their dots red, like pimples. But adults don’t get pimples so you know that it’s faith that you’re looking at.

Finally I would like to thank Hindus for not being violent people. I’m sure some of you are just like how some dentists aren’t kid touchers. Your reputation is hospitable and you’ve earned this apology. So please, forgive me and let us soon not forget these valuable members of society.

Short Shorts

Posted: August 25, 2011 in August 2011
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More and more girls seem to be wearing shorter and shorter shorts. I have no complaints about it. Keep it up ladies!

New York Laws

Posted: August 25, 2011 in August 2011
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American laws are silly. The silliest are in New York. It’s legal for one man to marry another man in that state. Yet still it is illegal for one man to have an organized fight inside of a steel cage with another man under the supervision of the UFC. Does this not make sense to anyone else?

Two men can kiss in public. They can stay together forever and have good times. But when things go bad, they have no way to settle it. They can only cry and slap each other. They can’t do what real men do, strip down to their underwear and fight for a gold belt. This doesn’t seem fair.

If you’ve been living under a rock, you may not have heard that New York recently made gay marriage legal. If you’ve been living under a cock, I’m sure you heard and have since added to your fortress of male genitalia. I have no opinion on gay marriage. I won’t get involved either way.

There are two sides to the argument about it.

Side 1) It’s not in the Bible. Counterargument 1) Neither are dinosaurs.

Then we flip things over.

Side 2) Everyone has the right to be married. Counterargument 2) The right? You don’t have the right to do anything. Marriage is a religious foundation and the church (as much as they suck balls) can make whatever rules they want. The only time the church really needs to piss off is when they say that you can’t be together. That’s when they cross the line. If being married is the only thing that will make your relationship feel whole then you’re probably not that in love anyway.

It’s silly to think that in this day and age it’s more legal to have another dick in your mouth than a cigarette in Central Park. I’ve never smoked a cigarette, but I can understand a person wanting to fill a void in their life.

So why is it that gay marriage is legal and UFC isn’t? I’m not a fan of UFC keep in mind. I’m more into the fake wrestling, WWE which is perfectly legal in New York City. I’m assuming it’s because it’s closer to theater than an actual sport. The gays love theater. They love shirtless strong men too. What I propose is that the UFC become more theatrical. Add in a few musical numbers between rounds or maybe get the cast of Lion King to be the judges. Can you believe that movie is almost 20 years old? Shit you feel old now.

Most religions are stupid. We can all agree on that. In fact when you think about it, you should really think every religion is stupid except for your own. If you don’t think this way you should go to hell. That’s fact. Being a Muslim and thinking that maybe Mormonism has its perks really is denying a part of where you stand on religion. Don’t do it. Follow your religion 100% or don’t follow it at all.

People love brackets. Usually only in the month of March. It’s that time of year where they make brackets of which group of black teenagers will beat another group of black teenagers. People put money on these games of chance. Spend hours crunching numbers and trying to find a loophole while their dogs go unfed and their children’s clothes go unwashed. It’s sports in America.

I’ve created a bracket of different religions and placed them each in a seed. This of course, based from the perspective of a white guy living in the United States of America. I might be biased for that fact so if you’re reading this on the Estonian Internet you may disagree with me. If you are reading this on the Estonian Internet you probably have a rock instead of a mouse and your version of a laptop is a desktop placed on your lap. Estonia outlawed tables in the 1950s. Something to do with being too “Western.”

I didn’t bother to make an actual bracket for this as the formatting probably wouldn’t work. Make one for yourself. Steal the crayons if you have to. Keep in mind that these are completely random as I have no basis on how to properly seed each of these.

Round 1:

1. Born-Agains vs. Catholics

2. Muslims vs. Buddhists

3. Episcopalians vs. Wiccans

4. Mormons vs. Hebrews

5. People Who Worship The Sun vs. Atheists

6. Quakers vs. Protestants

7. Amish vs. Orthodox Jews

8. Lutherans vs. Voodoo

Results:

1. Catholics beat Born-Agains, why? Catholics have a lot of bad shit with them. Their priests molest children, their nuns hit children with rulers, and their leader wears a silly hat. Still, they are much better than Born-Agains who think taking a bath in a lake can change a child molestor, an abusive old lesbian, and only ever wear bathing caps.

2. Muslims beat Buddhists, why? Buddhism is all about suffering yet they never hurt anyone. What kind of bull is this? Quit complaining and do something. Your leader is name after an animal that spits on people at zoos. I know Muslims aren’t that great either, but I don’t see them lasting through the next round and I’ll save my bashing for then.

3. Episcopalians beat Wiccans, why? Both of these groups allow just about anyone into them. The difference, Wiccans are mostly fat bisexual teenage girls. I’m sorry, that doesn’t make you a religion. That makes you a My Chemical Romance concert.

4. Hebrews beat Mormons, why? It’s a simple matter of territory. The Hebrews are all over the place. They have great positions of power and yet they still want one tiny little part of an outer bank. They die for that territory. Then there are the Mormons. Their holy land is in Utah, where the Jazz play. It’s hard to take a religion seriously when there are billboards of a man nicknamed “The Mailman” all over. I know the whole 5 wives thing is cool, but have you ever seen a hot Mormon?

5. People Who Worship The Sun beat Atheists, why? Atheists don’t have anything to worship, acknowledge, or claim their own. It’s really rather sad when you think about it. People Who Worship The Sun have an entire gigantic ball of fire. If we did this Rock, Paper, Scissor style then giant ball of fire beats nothing. It consumes it whole. Enjoy your victory you savages.

6. Protestants beat Quakers, why? Richard Nixon was a Quaker. More importantly than that, the price of oatmeal has dramatically risen by $1.50 in the last 6 months. What the fuck? Even if Protestants are always picketing and calling others scabs they have to win this.

7. Amish beat Orthodox Jews, why? This is basically a battle of Flea markets versus dry cleaners. I don’t know about you, but I can clean my own damn clothes.

8. Voodoo beats Lutherans, why? I don’t know much about Lutherans to be honest with you. When I was younger, a Lutheran told me that all Protestants did was kiss hands of men. He lied to me and called me fat. And Voodoo has the whole doll and pin prick thing. Pretty cool.

Round 2:

1. Catholics vs. Muslims

2. Episcopalians vs. Hebrews

3. People Who Worship The Sun vs. Protestants

4. Amish vs. Voodoo

Results:

1. Muslims beat Catholics, why? You’ve never heard of someone getting beaten at Muslim school. Do they even go to school? I know they wear things on their heads. What happens when it rains? Are they waterproof? The fact that the Muslims were able to defend against multiple Crusades shows you how tough those sons of bitches really are. They beat King Arthur! He had Excalibur. The sword. Not the car. And Merlin. The wizard. Not the cleaning product.

2. Hebrews beat Episcopalians, why? It basically comes down to lettering. Hebrew can even be shortened to simply Jew. Yes, it’s okay to call someone a Jew. It’s just how you say the word that matters, I’m told. Episcopalian doesn’t even make sense. It reminds me too much of Sara Palin taking a piss. I’m sorry to say, but Hebrews make the Final Four.

3. People Who Worship The Sun beat Protestants, why? Protestants have a negative attitude. The whole religion was based off of being an angry union member, something like that. I’m not even sure if I’ve ever met a real Protestant. I’ve met People Who Worship The Sun. I’m sure you have too. Anybody who has gone tanning more than once a week falls into that category. Are you one of them? Probably not. Those people tend to not read.

4. Amish beat Voodoo, why? You can sell a Voodoo doll at an Amish market but you can’t make a Voodoo doll of an Amish market. I guess you actually could. That’d be a bad gift to get a kid. And that’s exactly why that was the result of this match up.

Round 3:

1. Muslims vs. Hebrews

2. People Who Worship The Sun vs. Amish

Results:

1. Hebrews beat Muslims, why? This is really the final battle to end all battles. These two hate each other more than anything. I’d make an original simile here, but they’ve all been taken. As annoying as Hebrews can be, they don’t really do anything that awful. They usually get picked on and bullied. Muslims are always blowing up people and never busy drawing their own prophet. They can’t draw a picture of their own God! What are their Ramadan specials on television like? Is it just a white picture with a voiceover? It’s probably similar to that old snowman cartoon that’s just music and that redheaded kid dancing with the snowman except more explosions in public places.

2. Amish beat People Who Worship The Sun, why? People Who Worship The Sun have nothing to offer humankind. They spend all day bowing to the sun, amazed at how bright it is. They do help the economy in the sunglasses department, but other than that they’re pretty useless. Amish have that thing that I know how to pronounce and not spell where they let their kids go off and do drugs for a while and let them decide if they still want to be Amish. No other religion allows that openness. It’s kind of refreshing unlike most of their food they make.

Round 4: The Final Round!

1. Hebrews vs. Amish

Results:

1. Tie. Yeah, I’m making this is a draw. They’re the same exact thing. It’s bullshit. All of it. Both of them wear funny hats, they have long beards, and they yell at you if you try to bargain them down. It’s the same crap, different name. Really, all religion is that way. We’re all wrong. Why would God come down and influence one part of the world and not another? Does he not like Japanese people? Are the Swedish more important to the ultimate meaning in life?

My message with this is simple. Brackets can be fun no matter what time of year it is.

Returns

Posted: August 24, 2011 in August 2011
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I have returned to blogging. Not because I enjoy it, no. Because two people mentioned that they read my blog and missed it. Maybe missing it isn’t the right way to phrase this. It was more of a reaction if you find out someone that leant you a pencil in high school had died. You think, “Shit, that could have been me. What if I had decided to return their pencil that same day they caught cancer. Damn it.” It was that kind.

If you’re curious my blog stopped it’s because my neighbors wised up and blocked me from stealing their Internet. They changed their WiFi name to “Can’t Hack My Wifi” which tempted me to get my own home Internet access for the lone purpose of naming mine “I Just Did Bitch.” Now I’m nervous that they saw everything I had searched for online. I didn’t look up anything too risqué out of respect.

But for now, I will update this as often as I can. I’m having difficulty writing anything new outside of blogging and this is my outlet until an idea pops in my head. Enjoy!