Females

I never would have imagined that the majority of people who comment, subscribe, and read my blog would be females. Why does this surprise me? Mostly because I’ve never had a female friend where at least one of us didn’t want to bang the other. It’s hard to be friends with someone of the other gender. You always hear about their dating problems and you think “I could make your life worth living” but instead you have to be silent as you pay for her dinner because she forgot her wallet.

I like having female “admirers.” It’s cute. The first female I ever almost became friends with wasn’t until I was almost out of high school. It was the married girl who sat at my lunch table. She was off-limits, not that I wanted any, which I guess might have helped. I don’t remember anything we talked about. I know she insisted I was on drugs because I would talk about what restaurants had the best biscuits a lot. The answer, Popeyes Chicken of course.

(Why is one hanging off the plate? Get a bigger plate or make one less next time)

Today is your day female fans. My tribute to you and all other females. You’ve got a lot of great things about you. Yes. Your boobs, your asses, your legs, your hair, your cute button noses, your boobs again, your smiles, your boobs one last time, are all wonderful. I could talk about them forever. I won’t though. That would be more of a tribute to males if I did. It would turn into an erotic tale or something else that might make women hate me. I don’t need that. I’ve finally fooled you all into thinking I’m a nice guy.

One thing that women are great at is empathy. At the very least, they’re great at faking it. I get empathy and sympathy confused a lot. The point is that women are so much more caring about the feelings of others. I can tell a complete stranger with a vagina my problems before telling a close friend with a penis. I guess if you grew up hating your mother then it might be harder. I never thought the day would come where I would rather talk to girls over guys, even in a non-sexual way. Women are so much more interesting. And I only said that last sentence hoping one will read that then have sexual relations with me.

(She doesn’t have to say a word and I’m intrigued)

I will not say that women are smarter than men. That’s a generalization. It’s no different from saying Russians are fatter than Albanians. Some are, sure. Not all. For smarts I think that a smart guy is smarter than a smart girl. But I do believe that a dumb guy is dumber than a dumb girl. For instance, if there were 10 people in a room, 5 guys and 5 girls, of all different brain levels. The order would probably go something like Boy-Boy-Girl-Girl-Girl-Boy-Girl-Girl-Boy-Boy. Is that sexist? I hope not. I’m trying to pay homage to my favorite gender to look at naked. Sorry guys, as much as I don’t mind seeing a wiener, balls are pretty weird.

Back to things I think are so wonderful about women. I think you guys have a much better sense of humor than guys. Again, not all of you, but a lot of you. More women get offended by things, but the ones who don’t are pretty damn cool. Girls like things that are clever. They don’t like simple saying of the word “testicles” like us guys do. The perfect comedy for a man would be 2 hours of Will Ferrell saying testicles. The perfect comedy for a woman would be 2 hours of wordplay. Women wouldn’t care who the star was either. As long as he was attractive. Yeah, that’s one thing you women have to own up to. A man would never see a movie because a hot chick is in it. A woman will always see a movie because a hot dude is in it. Are dudes hot? Like someone who goes by that name, a dude. It makes me think of surfers and Jeff Bridges.

(Pictures of Jeff Bridges are currently unavailable. But here’s Jeff Daniels!)

Ladies also will do something for their man even if they don’t want to. Sure, a guy might go to the ballet and be supportive. He’ll let you know that he’s not having fun with the scowl on his face. A girl will go to a sporting event even if she doesn’t know the rules or can tell which players are cute. She’ll ask questions like “what’s the score?”, “was that good or bad?”, and “can we switch seats, the man next to me smells like urine?” Girls are always up for taking chances that men are not. Even when you know you will not have fun and could potentially be killed you will do it. That’s brave. I don’t do anything unless there is an outside chance that something miraculous will happen. I’m such a coward. I belong between a women’s legs at all time (because I’m a big pussy).

Despite all of the gossiping you gals do, all of the trash-talking, all of the phony pretending to be friends with your worst enemy, you continue to truck along in life with a smile on your face. Women have this drive to succeed. Guys are kind of just there sometimes. Females are always looking for a direction to head toward. It’s valiant. There are times in my life when I’ll putter around walking into walls having no idea what I want to do. Girls have such a better idea of where life will and should take them. I’d applaud but I never clap for a woman. They don’t need to know how wonderful they are. Otherwise they might get lazy like us men.

(This picture came up when I typed in “lazy man.” How is he lazy? He got dressed and is wearing a nice shirt. That bed obviously cost a lot of money. He’s probably been working hard all week. That redhead needs to stop pouting and be happy that she doesn’t live in a time where she’d be drowned)

Yep, you girls are pretty awesome. You give birth to children, you cook meals for the family, and you do a lot of really disgusting things that even I’d blush about if I typed them out. Actually no. I’d have a completely different bodily reaction. I’ll let you use your imagination and be the sick person to come up with it. It’s fun to have people who are completely different from you enjoying what you write. I’m a white American male living in the United States of America and hardly any of my frequent readers match that demographic. It’s beautiful in a way. That we can still connect despite having so many differences. I guess it’s true what they say–

“Men are from earth and so are women. Why would you think that we were possibly from another planet? Because there’s that random weird face on Mars? That doesn’t mean men are from that planet. And have you ever read anything about the atmosphere on Venus? Women would melt if they came from there!” – a popular book title about the differences between men and women