I’m not too familiar with the British band Duran Duran. That’s why this post will start off as a short idea and then turn into something really long. Sorry, I’m lonely and don’t have much else to do but delve into my mind incredibly deep and get as many words as possible into a blog post. Maybe if you’re running late on time that you’ll get lucky and this post won’t be so long. Don’t count on it.
(One day David Bowie’s 5 bisexual children got together and formed a shitty band)
The Duran Duran Effect is a name I came up with. It really has very little to do with the actual band. Honestly, I’m only positive about one of their songs. That’s where the name comes from. Okay, now imagine this is an episode of Cold Case or some other flashback show. Let’s let the cinematography change a bit and then we dissolve to:
Big songs of the era play. What was a big song in 2002? Shit. Kelly Clarkson was probably big back then. Maybe that didn’t happen yet. Didn’t Blondie make a comeback around that year? Okay so whatever shit Blondie was doing that year plays in the background. The setting has been set. Moving forward.
(Blondie’s favorite food, Blondies! Didn’t she get really fat? I can’t find a picture anywhere. Maybe she turned into the dessert)
I’m sitting in front of my computer screen. All of my stories from 2000-present day begin this way. Some involve my pants removed and neatly placed on a nearby chair. This is not one of those stories.
I used to play a lot of Survivor simulation games. That is, a bunch of nerdy fans of reality television shows would get together and mimic the game as best they can. I could go on forever about that. The wars the erupted. The lies that corrupted. The black girl who said that the KKK was after her and I didn’t believe her then she saw a REAL picture of me and said I was cute so I suddenly believed her again. I never would send people real pictures of myself. I for some reason had a picture of a shirtless British kid that I would use instead. That’s probably going to get me arrested somehow.
But anyway, I’m in a chatroom playing one of these games. Things are about to get a little cringe-worthy, at least from my perspective. I was (am) a douche. I’m sorry. South Park had recently had a Christmas episode come out and in one part Santa Claus sings a Duran Duran song. “Her name is Rio and she–dances in the sand!” That’s all Santa got out before Jesus stopped him. I thought this was silly. I remember a popular boy at school quoting it. Hey, I want to be popular. Let me quote it, on the Internet! I’m in the chatroom and I’m a frantic mess trying to impress everyone and make Internet friends. I start quoting Santa covering Duran Duran. I thought it would be silly. One girl who I imagined being really hot but logically couldn’t have been, thinks I’m hilarious. She loves Duran Duran! I’m her new best friend.
(Santa and Jesus doing a duet to raise awareness for cancer and their hatred of Muslims)
Some time passes and we talk again. In another chatroom playing another dumb game based on a reality show. This one might have been The Amazing Race or Celebrity Rehab. You see, that’s a silly joke there. Celebrity Rehab wasn’t on air yet. It wasn’t until 2008 that celebrities could admit they had a problem. For the sake of the story, we’re playing Survivor, again.
This is what the Duran Duran Effect is. It’s making a good first impression and having explosive diarrhea during the second. My verbal diarrhea was so incredibly bad that we never spoke again. She even told me to shut up at one point. I had quickly become her best friend and now I had ruined it by not knowing more than one Duran Duran song. I knew less songs by Duran Duran than the band name contains the word Duran in it.
Songs by Duran Duran that I know – 1
Times the word “Duran” appears in the title of the band Duran Duran – 2
Things turned out for the best I guess. I learned a valuable lesson. Don’t be amazing the first time you meet someone. They expect that for the rest of the time they know you. I have a plan that anyone new I meet that I will act like a complete idiot. Then when I do mental math they will think I am improving. If I had always gotten C’s on my report cards, I wouldn’t have cried the first time I got one. At least it was in 8th grade. I saw a boy cry in 10th grade when he got his first C. Grow up pussy. Welcome to the world of failure.
Here’s a question that you’re all dying to have me ask. Has the Duran Duran Effect ever happened to you? I know, I’m a real cheeky fucker. You actually have to read most of this to even understand what it means. I didn’t ask some rhetorical question where you can answer without reading a thing.