Fighting rules. I don’t care what anybody says. Seeing two men slug it out with their firsts, a couple arguing at a restaurant with their words, or a schizophrenic smashing his own head into a tree while his second personality dukes it out with his ninth is awesome. As cool as fighting is we’re told that it’s bad. We get suspended from school and asked to clean out our desks by the end of the afternoon when we do it. When two people can’t fight and get their rage out on each other something so terrible happens. They begin a war of passive aggressiveness. Going back and forth with snide comments, not being completely truthful about the problem at hand, and overall acting like children.

I don’t remember hearing the term passive aggressive until the last few years. The only thing I could relate it to would be the phrase “beat around the bush.” This doesn’t mean slugging ex-presidents in the face or bitch slapping a hairy vagina. The phrase conjures up the image of a man hitting a bush, as in shrub, with a long black stick. What it means is that you’re not being straightforward. You’re beating around the bush instead of doing the normal thing and jabbing the stick straight into the center of the bush to kill the squirrel. Beating around the bush and being passive aggressive solves nothing. All you’re left with is a bush missing its little green things. I refuse to call what a bush has leaves. If you can’t easily rake it into a pile and urinate on top knowing a child will later jump in, it’s not a true leaf.

(Guarantee one of these kids ends up having a tossed into the air cat turd land in their face)

Mostly the passive aggressive people I encounter are children. Not all of these “children” lack pubic hair and wear Donald Duck underpants still. A member of the children population to me is anyone who behaves the way you’d expect someone who still thinks you must pee inside of a woman’s butt to impregnate her would. Activities such as tattling, wearing shoes untied, and mistaking freckles for shit stains on their hands join in with being passive aggressiveness. These children will be angry at someone else. Instead of saying “That makes me angry because–” they’ll leave little hints about their displeasure because someone didn’t go to their dead parent’s funeral. My rule, if you never met the person then there’s no need to go to the funeral. I would hate it if people I didn’t like went to my death celebration. The only thing worse would be people I never even met. I swear, if someone I don’t know shows up at mine, I’m haunting them.

Every high school and college girl I know/have known is extremely passive aggressive. And like with the definition of children, my definition of girl is different from yours. A girl is anyone whose ass I could easily kick. My fighting style is mostly squirming and quick foot work. I can shuffle my feet with the best of them. Humans who lose to me in a fight have to be the outer shells of ovaries. I think girls this age are passive aggressive because they still have hope that one day everyone will like them. At a certain age, women stop giving a shit if they’re liked or not. They are no longer passive aggressive, as much. When someone pisses them off they’ll tell that person how angry they are. Then they get put in a nursing home and the rest of the family lives burden free. Kind of sad, but at least now you understand why so many young women can be cruel.

(Joan Rivers is 211 years old and isn’t afraid to tell you that she does not like you. All she fears is losing her heavenly voice)

Facebook is the home to a lot of passive aggressiveness. Instead of telling your ex how much you hope they die, people will post song lyrics. Songs about being hurt but how you’re a stronger person without them around. I hate songs like this. I don’t need to be reminded that Sting has relationship trouble. What’s that say for my future when he has thoughts of failure? He’s fucking Sting! He has a wrestler named after him. Muhammed Ali would frequently mention his name during taunting interviews explaining his abilities. A more sane thing to do to get back at someone is not publicly post about how much of a wimp you are. Why are people online so obsessed with letting everyone know about their emotions? This is why art sucks so much. We pass up on creating something beautiful and use our anger to complain or post frowny faces. The only time you should post a frowny face is when you want to let people know you’ve just had a stroke.

The best thing to do when people are being passive aggressive is to tell them to cut it out. Let them know they you get it, they’re mad. The problem is we’re so afraid of failure. Our own fears of failure mean we assume others will hate that failure. We’re nice enough that we don’t actually tell that person how much they suck. So we do it in a passive aggressive way. That ends up helping nothing. Next time someone screws up and does something that makes you angry, get angry. Passive aggressiveness is an oxymoron. You’re being aggressive yet passive about it all. What’s the keyword in oxymoron anyway? It’s moron. And that’s what you are. A moron with the social skills of an ox.

(Hey look, even an ox takes on their problems head-on. What’s your excuse?)

Comments
  1. Haha! I hate passive aggressive people, too. In therapy I teach people to be ASSERTIVE and to use “I feel…” and “I need…” statements. If you don’t express yourself, like you said, then you’ll end up exploding or getting your anger out in a very twisted way. Anything is better than sneaking your anger. I know way too many passive aggressive people.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That seems to be the new trend. I really don’t remember people behaving that way! People don’t know the difference between honesty and mean. Will you save the world for us all, please?

  2. Cafe says:

    You hit the nail on the head. That’s totally what being passive-aggressive is all about — fearing that other ppl won’t like us especially. And yeah, I have to agree with you on the girls giving a shit less when they’re older. How come guys are not socialized to be like that, in general?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Maybe women become more like men the older they get? Like you could almost say older women are more gross (more guy-like) with age. A 45 year old woman with a pot belly accepts it whereas a 25 year old woman won’t leave the house. That’s my crackpot 5 second theory.

      • Cafe says:

        LOL I can see what you’re trying to say, yes. haha. I will make sure I don’t become more gross when I get to my 40s and beyond :D

  3. Addie says:

    I can slide into passive aggressive mode, mostly due, I feel (see?AGL? I used your words!) mostly due to my years of marriage to Name Redacted. There was no head on discussions with him–or prices were paid. I wasn’t fond of the prices, even when I had a coupon.

    Nowadays, I’m pretty straight forward, and, I feel better for the change.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That doesn’t even seem like passive aggressiveness. You can still pay a price for being passive aggressive. Sounds more like you were passive than anything.

  4. joehoover says:

    I feel like hitting someone now

  5. I got out of the bush yesterday. Until now my jaw is still at awe at the outcome.

  6. You had me at ‘bush’…
    squirming and quick foot work… that’s how you fight?… I thought that was your recipe for making love also… (Just teasing)…
    I love it when you talk about emotions in the way you do… because I think, deep down, that you are the most sensitive, caring, tender man on the planet… but you keep beating around the bush.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m a very kind, caring, sweetheart but if I let everyone know that then they’d probably take advantage of me then I’d end up eating them. That was Ed Gein’s excuse.

      As for how my love making goes, I’m glad you gave me that much credit. I’m more of a stand there naked and see what happens kind of guy.

  7. renxkyoko says:

    I don’t know if I’m passive aggressive. I’m extremely polite. In my family, we call it ” todo pasa “… w/c means we let everything slide. or not rocking the boat. Which is not good for my heart, y’know? Coz, really, I’m actually a mean girl, but it’s always justified. Once, an ugly fat-assed girl tried to bully me in 3rd grade…. ( she would elbow me out of food line, yeah, she was that bad)/// So I invited all my classmates to my bday party, except her//// I gave out the invitations to each , and i passed her. Then I teamed up with the prettiest girls in class, and made life hell for her that year. I did it for all the people she had bullied. She made a huge mistake with yours truly. Ahhhh, so young, and already so corrupt. lol

    • Mooselicker says:

      Haha wow are you really that evil? I never got that vibe. You stood up for yourself which is good. Lots of young people can’t. It’s hard for me to imagine you being a mean person. Please do not hurt me if that offends you.

      • renxkyoko says:

        I’m a mass of contradictions, I guess. One thing, I hate injustice. And I walk my talk. Is all. U_U Do you really believe a third grader could think of such a dastardly plan ? Ha ha ha ! Nope, it was Mom’s idea. Don’t get mad, get even. Mom’s really nice. But she hates injustice too.

      • Mooselicker says:

        My mom went by the same motto. I understand completely :)

  8. Lily says:

    I hate when people are passive aggressive and do or say mean things directed at me when they’re really mad at someone else. If you don’t express how you feel, then it will come out in different ways. And that sucks.
    I love Joan Rivers. She can really do no wrong. She makes fun of everyone. Even people that you think can’t possibly be made fun of. She has a gift.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That could be something entirely different, scapegoating. Passive aggressive people annoy me when they say something just loud enough for me to hear but say it to someone else.

      Joan Rivers is a very mean person. It’s almost a shame she’s only known for her lousy red carpet interviews.

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