I forget what year it was. Maybe 10th grade? A girl who looked like a frog walked into my class and told me to smile more, life‘s not so bad. I didn’t listen to her. What does she know? She’s a young teenage girl. She bases her favorite music on which bands have the most bleach tips in their hair. Her favorite movie is whatever she saw this past weekend. Everything else has slipped her mind. Looking back now at everything she had a point. Life’s not so bad. I should have smiled more. Even if the teacher would frequently forget my name, the one kid who I tried to make friends with was afraid of me due to my largeness, and only the Haitian girl in class showed me any friendship, there was plenty to smile about.
(Thank you friend. Your advice has stuck with me through the years)
Frogface is not the only person who thinks smiling is a good thing. I have read online articles about it too. They claim smiling can help you attract a mate. It’ll help you land a better job. Smiling helps form rainbows. I believe smiling is positive because it lets others know you’re happy. I want to be happy! I want to be around people who are happy too. Not super happy. People who are only happy enough where they enjoy their misery. That level of happiness is where I want to rot away and die alone with. When you smile you let everyone know you’re not thinking about brain tumors. Who wants to talk to someone who randomly thinks about brain tumors? Not me. Too depressing.
I think I have a nice smile. I think it so often then I take a picture of myself scowling and I’ll think how badass I look. I go through a phase of never smiling after that. Children cower. Renegade bikers dive into alley ways to avoid me. Police officers quit their jobs. There’s no serving or protecting with me around. I’m a one man army. After a while I’ll smile again. The process repeats. I cannot stop smiling. Usually it’s thinking about the pain of others, but it’s still smiling. Still, charming. Still, helping to light up the world and warm the oceans a little bit more.
(This is too precious. Even though he hates dogs, every time Michael Vick is sacked or throws an interception, this cute little kitty gives us this image)
Unfortunately not everyone has a smile that could impregnate a virgin beaver like I do. A bad smile is usually in the teeth. People with big teeth, gross teeth, yellow teeth, whatever kind of teeth not perfect will have bad smiles. Lack of dimples hurts too. Everyone wants to kiss someone with dimples. I have amazing dimples. I could squeeze a quarter in there. A good smile is one of those things which can make or break a person. On a shallow level of course. But when have I ever not been shallow? A good smile is the difference between overlooking other flaws or not. Who wants to date someone with a bad smile? That’s only a good idea if you plan on making them miserable. Didn’t Seinfeld date a girl with a bad laugh? I’ve only seen the show sporadically. I know he’s real into women with shoulder pads.
(My favorite Seinfeld episode was the one where he got his date confused with Brian Urlacher due to the similar size in shoulders)
When a girl smiles at me I smile back. It’s something I don’t even think about. It just happens. I know, you’re thinking I’m always being smiled at and whatnot. I’m actually not. I chalk it up to being so intimidating. I’ve got shoulders Atlas would be jealous of. And he has a shoulder muscle named after him! I’m one of those people who enters the room and everyone shushes. They turn to each other and with whispers inform each other who I am. A few bow. Others hound me for autographs. Okay, so I’m exaggerating. With the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey I’m thinking about writing my own fan fiction to please myself. The story centers around everyone being amazed and wanting to touch me. Sounds bad? They said the same thing about Timecop and that was the highest grossing Jean Claude Van Damme movie when it came out.
(The best part in Timecop. When the Michael Rapaport bad guy look-alike gets his arm frozen then kicked off. This actually took place on my birthday so it’s pretty near and dear to me)
My aim is to try to smile more in life. I do not come off as a very friendly person. Ever. I actually am not friendly either. I’m nice. Just not friendly. The difference is a friendly person will go up to you and say hi. A nice person doesn’t poop in your shoe when you’re showering. I could never poop in a shoe. I’d feel like I would have to fill up the whole thing. Mighty large work! So with that said, maybe I should not smile more. I should probably smile the same amount I have always smiled. If I’m always smiling people will think I’m friendly. Then they’ll be upset when I make analogies about shoe pooping. Friendly people don’t poop. They’re so full of shit.
“Smile, you’ve got French’s!” – advertisement for French’s mustard and what Eva Braun would tell Hitler when he was feeling down for not fully controlling Europe