Kids are mean. Other than maybe our parents, kids have supplied us with the majority of our emotional pain. It’s hard when you’re a kid to know who to watch out for and who to avoid. I am well aware children are much more advanced than they used to be. They’re having sex and reading blogs now. Perhaps a kid is reading this blog. Hi kid. Fuck you. Today I provide you with a guide on how to spot those bully classmates of yours. I could save your life with this post. You’ll grow up into an adult with no childhood trauma. Sure, you will be weak and unable to ever write a good book. But you will never have been bullied which I guess is a good thing if you want to never relate to anyone else ever again.
The inspiration for this post comes from a few minutes ago when I was walking to pay my rent. I usually walk to the main office to drop off the check because I enjoy black people hooting and hollering, shouting “go back to Europe white boy” from their windows. That is when I spotted a mean kid. I never saw him before. Yet I immediately could tell he would have a nickname like “Bruiser” or “Knuckles” before coming out of the closet. He rode his bike around the apartment complex. Bad kids always ride bikes. Bad adults do too. Have you ever heard of someone on a bike saving a baby from a car fire? Never! Lance Armstrong is a cheating fake. A kid in my neighborhood died years ago. I knew him somewhat. When my mom found out she said “Wasn’t he an asshole?” I said no. She insisted he was because he would ride his bike in the middle of the street, weaving in and out between cars. Maybe my mom was right. That does sound like something an asshole would do.
(Look at this criminal. They should lock him away before he learns how to speak)
Mean kids also sing songs which make no sense. My mean kid spotting on this day was no different. I could not tell if he was speaking Portuguese or was very unsatisfactory using his diaphragm properly to sing. It was like a sequel to Pop Goes the Weasel. He only apparently knew the hook because that is all he would sing. This kid was probably about 10-12. He was a white boy riding his bike in a black neighborhood (I’m only mentioning his race so you don’t think I’m racist) and being obnoxious. I almost hoped for a drug dealer to scream at him to shut up and learn the next verse. I spotted a black male with a Hispanic one walking toward the kid as I went back into my apartment. Maybe I was about to get my wish.
You might be asking what this mean kid was wearing? Creepy. Look at you, wondering about children’s clothing. Sick. He had on a muscle shirt, naturally. His skinny little white arms (I did mention he was white already so you don’t think I’m racist, right?) poked out. I never understood the muscle shirt. People can tell if you’ve got guns in a normal shirt. Why not dress that way? One time I rolled up my sleeves and a male friend of mine said “Wow, your arms are not as thin as I thought they were.” I asked if he wanted to touch them. Then we realized our conundrum. He had complimented me and I was there trying to take it a step further for my own self-satisfaction. Luckily we were able to get out of this moment by talking like pigs about all the women we encountered. If I had been a wearer of muscle shirts we might not have been able to get over this.
(Madonna has officially given up on caring about her clothing)
Hairdos can vary from mean kid to mean kid. A lot of them have partial mullets. Why is this? I guess I’d be really nasty if my parents gave me mullets too. Not to sound racist (like I haven’t already) but white people with mullets are rarely nice. Watch King of Kong for a prime example. Adult bully Billy Mitchell rocks a sweet one. Mullets of course being the only hairstyle that is rocked. Sometimes a mean kid will have things like Mohawks or other “tough in the 1970s” hairstyles. People who dawn these are rarely mean. They’re trying too hard. I had Mohawks for a while between ages of 19-22 so I can insult us. Mostly I wanted to separate myself from others. A part of it was wanting to look like Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver. Most importantly was I wanted short hair but also enjoy using shampoo. The perfect compromise for all my problems.
As far as mean girls go, they can be very obvious. There was a whole Lindsay Lohan movie about it. Girls who try to be what they think adults are will be the mean ones. Lots of makeup, accessories, and up-to-date fashion helps a girl to be mean. When a female has been pretty all her life she’s had everything given to her. Her dad bought her a bitchin car, her mom pays for her to get manicures by authentic Vietnamese people who still smell like Napalm, and men are constantly trying to charm her by stealing chicken burritos for them. I got that chicken burrito thing from reading the plot to Battleship. Really? Girls are impressed when you steal them chicken burritos? Alright then. I have been doing this completely wrong.
(“You thought you’ve been doing things wrong? I agreed to be in this piece of shite. I’m Liam Neeson. People used to respect me.” – Liam Neeson talking in 3rd person and saying shite like a Scottish person would)
I am terrible when it comes to interacting with children. I cannot even smile and wave at them. I need to turn and wave or stare at them menacingly until they shit themselves. You may have better ways to spot a mean kid based on how they look. The one thing you will always find is that mean kids are often misunderstood. Sure they make a lot of strange sound effects, think their desks are racecars, and turn me down to dance in 6th grade, but is it really their fault? Michael Winslow made a career out of making sound effects, racecar sounds are pretty cool, and no girl likes a timid fat kid asking her to boogy it to the latest Britney Spears song.* I don’t blame you mean kids for being so incredibly nasty. Someday you will make awesome DMV employees.
*No girl was asked to dance. They all seemed way too mean to even approach.