Archive for August, 2012

I’m going to talk about politics here again. I read a book about politics recently. Actually it wasn’t a book. It was a movie. And I didn’t watch the movie. I saw the cover. I’m not even quite positive the movie was about politics. There was a white guy in a suit looking very presidential with a “What has America gotten themselves into this time?” face. It doesn’t matter what the movie was or even what it was about. I don’t need to know a single thing about politics in order to vote. That’s what makes America wonderful. In dictatorships you need to know who is in charge and what part of your body they will slice off if you do not vote for him. Iraqis in the 1990s were more well-informed than anyone in my country ever will be.

(Would you believe people actually saw this movie poster, thought it looked good, paid money to see it, and still walked out of the theater happy? I don’t for a second)

I was driving to work recently when I saw a really hot jogger. She had strong thick legs, little shorts on, and a face I would like to scrape off with a knife it was so adorable. She got me thinking about what it is about me she would hate most. Would she hate that I’m no jogger? Would it be my frugalness? Or maybe we would not see eye-to-eye on religion? Politics is always something I disagree with women on. Mostly because my stance on abortion and gay marriage is so abnormal. I believe abortion should be illegal and the baby should then be married off to a gay man. It’s a nice compromise. The Republicans get no dead babies and the Democrats get happy gays. I tried writing a paper on this back in high school. The teacher quit and was arrested a week later for trying to blow up a plane with a shoe bomb he hated America so much.

During my political thinking I have determined a way for the Democrats to remain in office for almost ever. It’s not a guarantee or anything it would always work. Definitely after Obama though. It’s a bit scary though because it’s never good to have the same political people in power for too long. It’s nice for a switch between Republicans, Democrats, and Whigs. Whenever any idea of thinking is in charge for too long we end up in a funk where the angry people get angrier and the happy people get cockier. This is why I hate elections. People are always extremely pissed or extremely cocky like they had anything to do with the victory. Everyone turns to me and wants to know my opinion. I joke and say I wanted whichever candidate had the cuter butt to win. I’ve never seen it, but I have a feeling Obama has a nice one.

(I’m not saying this does, but it might belong to Obama)

Here is my plan to keep the Democrats in office forever. Not that I want it really. I like a good mix of bad guy/good guy in charge. My idea is to always have a charming black guy with a pearly white smile run as their candidate. Basically every 8 years all they need is a new Obama. This won’t last forever. Even the most open-minded white person will get sick of seeing a black face in charge. Let’s be honest, we would all vote for someone who looked like us. A presidential candidate with the same name as me could run with a crazy belief system and I would vote for him on the fact we have the same name. That’s what this country has come down to, we vote for whoever we would want to have a beer with. Who wants to have a beer with a Republican? We all know black people are so much more fun to party with.

I think a lot of people who voted for Obama did so because they wanted to be a part of history. It’s like whenever any sports record is broken. We don’t care if the guy is on steroids, beats his wife, or has killed a person. We want to be there to witness something every dead person never has. I’m not saying all Obama fans are ill-informed and only voted for him because it was trendy, the thing people with white guilt do, he was Democratic and Republicans are evil, and his name is funny. If you’re over 25 I believe maybe you actually know stuff about the guy. Under this age barrier, I’m pretty sure you get all your news from Comedy Central. If the lead-in to your main news source is South Park then I don’t consider you a very unbiased person.

Gun to my head, who would I vote for? I would vote for Obama. It’s simple really. I am in the income level a Democrat would be under. Now until I manage to make enough money I will remain a little more left wing than right. Once I make millions of dollars by golly I am going to want to keep it. Politics are simple. Democrats want money. Republicans want to keep their own money. When a Democrat accumulates enough cash he becomes a Republican. This is why old people are Republicans and young people are Democrats, money. Young people have no money because they spend whatever they can on condoms, concerts, and chimichangas. Old people can no longer reproduce, all their favorite musicians are dead, and eating beans will kill their colons. So until I own a mansion I will lean slightly to the left because this benefits my interests at the point I am at in my life right now.

(Eastwood used to be a Democrat. He got so distraught he almost killed himself. Then he became successful and didn’t think he should have to share his personal achievements with idiots who stood in his way. I don’t care how crazy you get Clint. With a simple thousand yard stare and a simple “Yeah” you said more than we ever could. Now go paint your wagon)

What do I believe will happen this November? Obama will win. He hasn’t done anything to make his supporters hate him. As long as the economy doesn’t get any worse the Democrats will stay in power. Once the economy does get worse the poor people will want a change. Then they’ll look at the tax breaks the Republican candidate is putting out and see things aren’t so bad the way they are. Politicians need to learn to manipulate the United States citizens. They need to lie to us and make promises they never keep. Don’t be a donkey or an elephant. Be a snake. If politicians were for once willing to get their hands dirty and screw over a few more people then maybe they could gain some control and never leave office. They’ll be in power for so long that we will not even be given a choice for anyone else to vote for. Doesn’t this sound nice and simple?

Losers rely on wishes to get them through the day. I never make wishes. When I see a star in the sky I do not make a wish. I try shooting the star with my gun. I’m an American. It’s what we do. When I blow out the candles on my birthday cake I do not make a wish. In fact I never blow out the candles on my birthday cake. Each year I kidnap a Jehovah Witness and forcefully make them do it. If I’m feeling really cruel we get a blood transfusion afterwards. Wishes are not for me. However, today is your chance to make one.

Wishes are popular among the Middle Eastern people. They have these blue ghosts called Genies. Personally, I prefer the Djinn over the Genie. Djinns are evil Genies. The film Wishmaster is all about them. This used to be my favorite movie. At one point a man wishes for a million dollars. As soon as he does, his mom signs over an insurance form in her son’s name then hops on a plane. The fucking plane blows up right after! Another woman wishes to be beautiful forever. She is turned into a manikin. The best wish came in Wishmaster 2: Wes Craven Needs More Money. A prisoner wishes for his lawyer to go fuck himself. Guess what literally happens?

I used to not be so cynical about wishes. I used to go to the mall and toss pennies into the fountain. I made so many wishes my family had to sell their bodies on the streets and to science. Sometimes we were selling our bodies to both. Have you ever spent a night as a prostitute with test makeup on your face? I have. To me wishes have become the Atheist’s Prayer. I never get an Atheist who makes a wish. You’re denying the existence of a God yet you think there are Wish Fairies out there? I think I should start a religion based around Wish Fairies. They’ll be like angels only louder and more obnoxious.

To follow through with my goal to become a more loving person (I know right, seems like I’m pretty far off here doesn’t it?) I have decided to grant each person reading this one wish. Something simple, free, and easy I can do to make your life, my life, or the world a better place. I’m serious about this. Anything you desire I will do as long as it follows the guidelines below:

-Your wish must not cost me or anyone else money. I’m not an official Genie. This means I’m not Union Certified. I have to pay outrageous taxes on anything costing money.

-Your wish must deliver kindness into the world. Even if your wish harms someone else, as long as it brings some good to an equal or greater number of people I will do it. Hey, some people have to be collateral damage here. I’m new to this granting wishes thing.

-Your wish must not involve a drastic change in my life or anyone else’s, at least not immediately. For instance don’t wish me to adopt a child. I’m bad enough at finishing milk before it expires. A child will end up microwaved under my care. Let’s start with something simple.

-Your wish must be within reason. I have very little reason. I can’t really explain this one further.

-Your wish must come from your heart. If you do not have a heart you can wish for a heart. I would not suggest this. The Scarecrow wished for a heart and he was accidentally shot by a farmer a week later who thought he was a trespasser.

So make your wish! You only get one. I also have right to refuse your wish. I swear I will do whatever your wish ends up being, even if there is no proof. Maybe I can even blog about the mishaps that ensue when I fail to make the world a better place. I’m hoping at least one of you wishes me to put an object of mine inside an object belonging to someone else to give us both a great amount of pleasure. I think you know what I mean.

Why do men leave the house? To pick up as many chicks as they can. We’re very simple creatures. I fancy myself an expert at picking up chicks. One time a Mermaid fell so deeply in love with me she began to crawl along the beach just to touch my face. She ended up drying up and dying only a few feet away. In a way I charmed a fish out of the fish bowl. I love that phrase. You’re so charming that an animal without many emotions will kill itself to be near you. I wish I could one day be so charming people kill themselves over it.

The problem with picking up chicks is a lot of guys do it so unnaturally. They come up with corny pickup lines like “Are you an astronaut? Because you look like Neil Armstrong” or “Did it hurt?” which elicits the response “Did what hurt?” and then the guy follows up with twisting her nipples and tells her he’s a psychic who saw it coming. Girls like guys who can see into the future. Nostradamus was a major pimp. What Nostradamus did correctly though was he got an actual job where he could be himself and the chicks would follow. That’s what today’s post is about. Jobs for guys to take in order to meet the girl they’ve been waiting for their entire lives/evenings.

(Seriously, tell me this guy couldn’t be a pimp. All he needs is a feather in his cap)

1) Bartender

This one is very obvious. Drunk girls will sleep with anyone. I saw a drunk girl the other night having sex with a tree. I guess the tree was tall, dark, and handsome. Some of the bark on its base looked like George Clooney’s face. I think at every point in his life every guy has thought about becoming a bartender. Women have to talk to you in order to forget what shitty adults they have become. Without you they cannot get their booze. The only thing stopping me from becoming a bartender is all the drinks I would have to memorize and I cannot smile at ugly people. Have you been to a bar lately? It’s an ugly person’s lair.

2) Animal Shelter

Chicks love animals. Would you believe some girls love animals so much they never eat them? I know, bonkers. Even if you have a penis and you don’t eat animals I consider you a chick. Tofu should be the name of an African dictator, not something we eat. I know if I ever get desperate enough where I would need to meet women I can always volunteer at an animal shelter. It’s perfect. Animals love me, girls will see how good I am with the animals, and then we do something filthy near a malnourished cat on its death-bed.

(Sorry little kitty, I’ll get you your medicine as soon as this chick finishes taking hers, if you know what I’m sayin’)

3) Musician

Anyone who knows how to play the guitar and doesn’t get laid 60 times a day is an idiot. Girls love any guy who can play the guitar. Do you know why? Because she doesn’t have to interact with him. She can sit there, nod, and smile pretending she enjoys his dark poetic pain. For me, someone without any musical talent, I tell girls I’m the lead singer in the band. They tell me to belt out some lyrics and I remind them I have to save my voice for the big show. They nod and smile because girls who obsess over musicians are idiots too.

4) Gay Rights Supporter

You’ll probably need a real job like doctor or guy who steps in front of traffic in order to pull this one off. Hanging out around gay people will surely help you meet some single ladies. Any girl who is obsessive with gay rights is either a lesbian herself or is trying to make up for the fact how much men find them repulsive. This gives you a great opportunity to sweep in and steal these feminists off their do-gooding feet. Not only will these girls think you’re tolerant to others, you’ll also have very little competition. A straight guy hanging out in a gay is a lock to go home with a girl or at least have a chubby one nag him all night about American equality.

5) Anything Famous

Become famous and girls will bend themselves into whatever position you demand them to get into. I understand it. I would love to bang someone famous. I could see Yahoo articles about them and think about how we shared those amazing 40 seconds pressed against the sink together until I let out my fart ruining the mood. Athletes, movie stars, and even high-profile murderers have women flocking to them at all hours of the day. I’m almost tempted to go on a killing spree just to see how many women propose to me. I can barely throw a spiral and my acting leaves much to be desired. If I ever want to become famous it will have to involve bloodshed. Or I could do something really good for a lot of people. Sounds hard.

(Mark David Chapman, John Lennon’s killer. Ringo’s still alive isn’t he? Hmm I think I have an idea to get some chicks)

Let me know if you know of anything else. As for girls on picking up guys, sit outside for five minutes in a place with high foot traffic. If nobody even looks your way start searching for a child murderer to marry. It’s the best you may ever get.

In other words, these are not jobs appearing here.

This is not a post about how much I hate to leave my apartment. If you’ve been to my apartment you’ll understand why I hate to leave it. My walls are completely barren and white, except for the one black stain from when I was wearing a black shirt, sweating, and leaned against it. My apartment always smells like whatever I had eaten for breakfast. Today it smells like warm milk. The greatest thing about my apartment is there’s always something to do. There are so many dog hairs everywhere sometimes I lie on the ground and count them. None of what I will write about today has anything to do with that. I would rather focus on something even grander. The places we have potential to go in our lives.

My idea on this theory came during the middle of the night. I also had a dream about a movie where Joseph Gordon-Levitt played a character named “Ugly Nick.” I’m not sure what my subconscious was saying there. Rarely do I ever think of JG-L. I could have sworn he was on Roseanne and he wasn’t. The idea I had was that each of us has three paths we can go down. There’s the path going downhill, the path going uphill, and the path leading to a dead-end.

(I always thought the fat guy on the right was Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I feel like an idiot now)

The path going downhill is very obvious. These are the people we look at knowing they’re in a downward spiral. They’re drug addicts, alcoholics, people who watch PBS, sexual deviants, anyone who puts on 30 pounds a year, and so forth. Basically they’re anyone you see headed into a worse direction than you might be used. This is where we hope all the popular people from high school end up. If you were popular in high school and are reading thing then I really don’t understand how you got here. You’re in the wrong place. I think we all know someone from high school who still relives their glory days. My mom’s boyfriend used to tell me about how he was a world champion wrestler in high school. By world he meant Middlesex County. He was reliving his past triumphs from the early 1970s. To give you an idea how long ago he was traveling through time, the third Austin Powers movie took place around the same time he was wearing a leotard and getting ringworm from a wrestling mat. Sorry I don’t have any other idea what else was going on in the early 1970s. Wasn’t there a war?

(Nevermind no war took place. I was confusing it with a song by Martin Luther King Jr.)

The path going uphill is also a very obvious one. There are the people we look at knowing they’re going to go someplace in life. They’re hard-workers, loving, confident, not me, sexual deviants who happen to know the correct rich businessmen to approach, and probably not you. This is the path we all dream about going down. It’s the basic American dream underdog story. Rise up from the bottom to the top. I like to think I’m on this path. I do whatever I can to not be self-destructive. I eat healthy, I exercise, I ask old black people for advice often, I don’t burn my bridges, and I keep bad people out of my life. The problem is most people think we’re on this path. It’s a very thin one and the further along you go the thinner it gets. What we have to understand is not everyone can be successful. It would be great if we all grew up to be movie stars with large genitals, but our DNA is not Communist. Things are not even. So keep going to those Tuesday night acting classes and buy that penis pump you’ve been eyeing online. The path uphill cannot be accomplished alone.

(An official Dr. Seuss penis pump. It also plays music and makes your balls grow as big as the Grinch’s heart)

Finally there is the path leading to a dead-end. Oye vey this is a wide asshole path. Lots of people fall here. They’re not bad people by any stretch. They take care of themselves as much as they have to. In a way they’re defeatists, something else I have to write about later on. I would say 90% of people are on this path to a dead-end. Crazy isn’t it? People without hopes, dreams, motivation, or anywhere to go. Saddest thing about this is a lot of the time it’s not their fault. They’re content with where they stand in life. I know the combination of words “big dick fucking black pussy” might offend some people. The word content does the same to me. How are you content? You’re waking up every morning thinking everything is fine and dandy? Don’t get me wrong, a positive attitude is wonderful and I would love to have a stronger one. These dead enders are different. They fall into a trap where they believe this is what life was supposed to be. They use words like karma, destiny, and fate to justify how their lives didn’t turn out the way they wanted. It’s sad to me other people can think this way.

The scariest things that could ever happen to me are 1) I am kidnapped by cannibal rapists (it doesn’t matter what order they do it in) and 2) I end up with a job I get nothing out of and I have to wake up when it’s still dark outside to get there. Those are my two biggest fears in life. I really don’t want to be eaten then raped or raped then eaten and more importantly I don’t want to wake up when bats are still outside fellating each other. To me, this is a dead-end path. I will know my life is going nowhere if I have to dread waking up for work in the morning and once I do the moon still shines down. It has been decided. Whatever I can do to get on a path going uphill I will do. If I fail on my way up, at least I get to fall rather that putz around on a hypothetical dead-end street.

A few years ago there was a popular sitcom on television called “Everybody Loves Raymond.” I never loved Raymond. In fact, I wish him dead. I guess the title was supposed to be sarcastic. His wife was a bitch as most television women are because most television writers are gay men, his parents were intrusive because most television writers are loners who come from broken homes, and his brother was a big idiot because most television writers are short and want to make tall people look like idiots. There are some things in life everybody does love. Well, maybe not love. These are generic things nobody dislikes. If you say you hate anything I mention then you’re probably bitter and should think about writing a TV show.

Music: Queen

Everybody likes Queen. You’ll never meet a person who absolutely loves Queen, but everybody can find one song to enjoy. Even the Chick-Fil-A guy admitted in a recent interview that he tries to let his farts out to the beat of “We Will Rock You.” It’s a very steady beat. One only Woody Harrelson cannot get correct. Personally my favorite Queen song is Princes of the Universe as it reminds me of the TV show Highlander. I never liked the show much, it’s the premise I am in love with. You chop off someone’s head, you get their powers. Why is this not the most popular video game of all time? Oh and here’s Woody Harrelson proving that marijuana does not make you better at keeping a beat.

Food: Pizza

Everybody likes pizza. Someone told me recently how much they hate pizza. She’s dead now. I killed her. The cops asked me straight up what happened. I explained the situation then we went out for some slices. What’s great about pizza is it has everything you will need in a meal. Cheese, sauce, bread, and meat normally make a pizza. There are so many varieties if you cannot find something to love about pizza then I probably cannot find something to love about you.

(I can’t tell if that’s pizza dust on the counter or this is a Courtney Love Cocaine Pizza)

Sport: Women’s Gymnastics

Everybody likes women’s gymnastics. For different reasons too. Women like it for the grace, the competition, and how it empowers women. Men like it for reasons which would get me arrested. Women’s gymnastics is a sport nobody really cares about or takes seriously. You can watch it without much devotion. A female gymnast is washed up as soon as she’s old enough to vote. Kind of sad really. All those tiny Russian girls are 20 years old and their lives are practically over. I hear America is nice. You can work as a dancer, a waitress, and a Ross just opened up near me. This was a cheap plea to any Russian gymnasts who happen to read this that I am willing to marry you in exchange for a green card. The offer expires when you get up to 115 pounds.

(In about a month Aliya Mustafina will be 18 and I can say dirty things about her Communist ways. I actually got this photo from typing in “evil gymnast” into Google)

Religion: Buddhism

Everybody likes Buddhism. I know, someone is probably reading this in their church cloak with a human skull in their hand thinking I’m insane. Hear me out. What bad thing has a Buddhist ever done to anyone but themselves? In protest they light themselves on fire. I like this much better than other religions. Christians invade, Muslims infiltrate, Scientologists creep out, and Judaists whine. Buddhism to me is the Rodney Dangerfield religion. It’s about how life is all about suffering. Well yeah, but does that mean I should spend my life accepting how much suffering goes on in the world? Still, Buddhism is the most generic religion. Except for the Richard Gere gerbil fiasco, they’ve been pretty good.

(If Paris Hilton can support Buddhism I so can…nevermind. I can’t bring myself to support anything she does. “That’s hot.” – Paris Hilton upon seeing a burning priest)

Book: The Snowman

Everybody likes The Snowman book. You may not have heard of this book before, it was a favorite of mine as a kid. There are no words. Only pictures! It’s easy on the eyes. They even made it into a movie with really pretty music. Then the snowman melted at the end which was tragically sad. Who invented snowmen? Their life expectancy is entirely too short. I guess dancing with a snowman who dies later in the afternoon prepares you for how everyone you will ever meet dies one day. Snowmen are too grim.

(Spoiler Alert! The Snowman dies at the end after a lobotomy following an attack on Nurse Ratchet)

Comedian: Brian Regan

Everybody likes Brian Regan. He’s clean, he’s funny, and he’s a nice guy in person from what I hear. The only thing not to like about him is how in high school everybody would quote him. We get it, he likes Fig Newtons and so do you. There is nobody I hate more than people who quote nonstop. Do you have no original ideas? Wait, you probably don’t. You’re a 16 year old New Jersey native. You only joined the football team because it’s what everybody does. I think even Brian Regan would tell you to fuck off.

(Even raccoons like Fig Newtons and they’re very picky eaters)

Sexual Position: Any

Take what you can get. If you’re reading a blog you’re probably not very good looking anyway.

(My personal favorite sexual position)

Fun Activity: Zoo Trip

Everybody likes the zoo. Please, if you dislike zoos shoot your face. I get the kids running around can be annoying. You’re not going to the right zoos at the right times. As an avid animal lover yet for some reason a carnivorous meat eater (I’m complicated) I never can turn down the opportunity to go to a zoo. I think my dream job if I ever give up on trying to do anything interesting with my life would be to clean up animal shit in a zoo. I could develop a relationship with the animals. There’s always at least one hot chick working at the zoo. I could threaten to hit her with the shovel I pick up the lion poop with if she doesn’t flash me.

(“What does your dad do for a living?” “He cleans the shit out between hippo teeth.” I so want this job)

What is something generic you feel everybody enjoys? Change that. Not something you feel, something you know. We’re not nancies who talk about our feelings. We’re manly men who are always sure of ourselves. Tell me something you know everybody enjoys. You better not be wrong.

I’m not everything I want to be. I tried joining the marines last week. I heard they help you be all you can be. They stripped me down naked then told me to stay away, I was not military material. I think about all the potential I could have been in life if things were different. Here are some answers to those ifs. What I would do and such in these situations.

1. If I was tall I would look overtop the bathroom stalls to see if they were occupied. I would smile at whoever was taking a shit or too shy to use the urinal.

2. If I was short I would run underneath people’s legs like I was being chased. They would look back to see who was chasing me. While they are looking back I will push them over for being so much taller than I am.

3. If I was extremely wealthy I would contact the media and tell them I will be tossing money down from a tall building. People will show up and I will drop pianos instead. This will teach them that money does not buy happiness.

4. If I was in really good shape I would be really mean to everyone I met. When they tell me to stop I will ask them to feel my biceps.

5. If I found out I was the second coming of Jesus I would sell my poop on ebay and my farts to cults.

6. If I was black I would always say “Where the white women at?” whenever I enter a room. I actually do this already. People might not tell me to leave though if I was black.

7. If I was allergy free I would sniff flowers more often. Since I am not allergy free I will continue to stomp on every daisy I see whether in a garden or a flower boutique.

8. If I was a professional athlete I would sign a huge contract then say my hamstrings always hurt. Being a professional athlete takes too much work.

9. If I could eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight I would eat nothing but pizza and donuts. I would still count calories though. Mostly to brag to others how much I can eat without gaining weight. I might also eat Oreos too.

10. If I was gay I would tell women I wasn’t gay, have sex with them, and then tell them I am gay now. They will forever feel like they turned me gay. I would laugh about this with my gay friends then complain how we don’t have equal rights non-stop.

11. If my name was Lance I probably would be gay. I would do everything my being gay plan would entail, but this time my name would be Lance.

12. If I was living in Hawaii I would get a janitorial job. Sure, I have to clean up vomit and poop. It’s Hawaiian vomit and poop. Something about it sparkles.

13. If I had musical talent I would start a band. All of my friends would tell me how great I am even though none ever go to my shows.

14. If I won a Nobel Peace Prize I would kill a lot of people the day after. Not everyone though. Enough people need to remain alive to appreciate the irony.

15. If I lost my arm in a surfing accident I would challenge the Soul Surfer chick to a fight. I would be sure to save my missing arm and use it like a club. Her arm was made into shark poop. I wonder if she thinks about that. A shark pooped out her arm.

16. If I had my own talk show I would let everyone I know be guests. You will all have to show up for the first episode. I don’t see it lasting much longer than that with this plan.

17. If I had a really big nose I would ask everyone if they thought my nose was big. When they said “No” I would violently call them liars then push them over.

18. If I could ride any animal it would be a dinosaur. It doesn’t matter what type.

19. If I was incredibly fat I would never leave the house. After a while I will realize this is no way to live. I will then get a job as a house.

20. If I was homeless I would be an angry homeless person who tells offensive jokes. The police will lock me up in jail. At least then I wouldn’t be homeless anymore.

21. If I was more courageous I would join a yoga class and hit on the instructor. My pick-up line would be “Hey, I bet I can stretch you out somewhere else.”

22. If I’m not turned down by the yoga instructor then things will be really good. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who does yoga let alone someone who makes up the moves on the fly like instructors do.

23. If I found out the meaning of life and I would die if I told anyone I would die anyway because I hate not being able to gossip.

24. If I could have any super power it would be to have the ability to reach into a magazine and pull out whatever is in the magazine. I will also have a lot of sexual harassment lawsuits against me.

25. If I ever get to be a father someday I want to be there for my children if they become successful and rich. Otherwise I’m going to blame the woman for giving too much of her DNA into the mix.

What are some of your ifs?

The following post is not from the present day. It is from the future. I was minding my own business in a public bathroom, placing super glue on the toilet seats, when a man in his 40s approached me. The first thing I noticed about this guy was he was incredibly handsome. Like if I was a gay man we would have been in the proper room to take this thing further handsome he was. The second thing I noticed was he had on the same clothes I had. Really strange. Most of all I noticed how he looked kind of like me. I engaged the man in conversation and indeed I found out he was me from the future. I could not resist, I had to ask him to write-up a guest post for my blog. He groaned and said “That stupid blog? Jesus past tense me! Don’t you realize your blog ends up killing 24 million people by the middle of 2013? I will not be a part of this again!” I knew future me could be easily bribed with a peck on a cheek. So I had to kiss a man to get this post done. I hope it turned out well.

(My blog one day ushers in the return of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. They’re not really as threatening as they seem. They’re pretty irrelevant after many bad movies in the 1990s. *not pictured, Famine as played by John Candy ironically)

“The Future”

By Me from the Future

Good evening ladies, gentleman, and mole people (here in the future mole people have become a third gender, they’re all bisexual) I hope all is well. You probably have many questions about the future. First starters, yes, the 2012 presidential election ends in a landslide after a ballot misprint and I am elected to office. Pretty sweet. I do such a great job too I win the election again 16 years later. The first thing I do when I get into office is make presidential elections happen every 16 years. People tried to fight it, but I offered others money to kill those rioters. Who said becoming president under a bad economy was a bad thing?

First Lady Malin Akerman has become the biggest movie star of all time. She is currently busy remaking every movie to ever come out. Even Couples Retreat which she starred in is being remade. This time the jokes are funny. I also have sex with many other females and she doesn’t seem to mind. She’s a good wife like that who always cooks and cleans for me. I offered to pay a butler to do it. Malin insisted I save the money and buy myself something nice. I bought myself a dinner. I forgot to ask Malin what she wanted. She said “Oh you!” and then we made a baby.

(In the future everyone sits on chairs backwards because it looks really cool. Although, I have to agree this shot would be much nicer if she used this chair properly)

Along with being president I am also a successful and much sought after writer. I have a television show on every channel. I still let other people put out their own crap. I’m not here to try to control people’s minds. The government already proved in 2016 mind control was only possible on housewives who think Katherine Heigl is clever. I also have the home run record, host my own talk show, and was the first man to walk on Mars. The first woman to walk on Mars was Kim Kardashian’s mom. I left her there and she said she was just glad to be back home.

Outside of myself the world has changed a lot. Russia is now called European Chinese Peopleville. The name for the male genitalia is “Pepsi Presents The Penis.” The female genitalia is still called the vagina. All have advertisements on them though. Malin’s has an advertisement for Groupon. People look grayer than they used to due to all the interracial breeding. All of the Mohicans have been wiped out because of this. The last one was a guy named Todd. He delivered my mail until he died of old age at 34. Yeah, the only bad thing about the future is you die pretty young. Scientists are blaming iPhones, iPads, and other apple devices. Turns out Steve Jobs was evil.

(“I hate people this much.” – Steve Jobs, everyday of his life)

Gay marriage became legal. As soon as it did aliens invaded and a 10 year-long war broke out. The two were very much related. Marijuana also became legal. That is why the war to kill the three invading aliens took a whole decade. Everyone was too stoned to do anything about it. Dogs no longer exist. They have evolved into fraternity boys. The difference is very minimal.

Common foods in the American diet are hamburgers, hot dogs, and Soylent Green. The rest of the world doesn’t really eat much. They are either very poor or are watching their figures for summer. It’s also always summer as earth has rotated off its course and is headed straight for the sun. This is actually why I came back to the past. I knew if I warned everyone maybe things could be different. The earth was spun off its axis the day Magic Mike came out on DVD. People all over the world jumped for joy and landed on the ground at the same time. It’s understandable because Channing Tatum’s rectangular chin has become a symbol of mistrust and evil. I forget where I was going with this. By 2023 everyone has Alzheimer’s. Thank goodness for my blog. It’s about the only history humanity has left.

(The future site of the Mooselicker Memorial Museum. It must be the weekend. That’s why there aren’t millions of people shoving each other to get inside)

Thank you future self for writing this up. As you warned me, I will try touching myself less and shower with cooler water. You also owe me that $3000 down payment I gave you on the car we end up picking Malin Akerman up in. I really hope this wasn’t a scam.