All this end of the world talk I figured I should be a little clearer on things. No this is not a nervous breakdown. No I have not gone crazy. If anything I see things more truly than ever before. I have come to accept my fate. The fate that on August 9, 2012 the world will forever change. It’s cliché, but the end is nigh. Very nigh. So nigh you better return your library books. Late fees I hear can put you through hell after death.

Why August 9th? You’re probably asking yourself that. Probably also “Why have I stuck around long enough to see what will happen on August 9th? There better be some payoff!” There will be. Cataclysm. Destruction. The ushering in of a new era. Do not think of this as an ending, but rather as a new beginning. A chance to start over and allow yourself some happiness. Only the truly good will be saved on this day. In order to be saved you will need a few things. A kind heart. Willingness to take on something new. A credit card. Most of all you will need to embrace life and the new challenge that awaits you.

August 9th was a date given to me by an unknown source. I’m sorry, but I really am a little scared giving away my sources. We’ll call him Deep Throat as Deep Throat is the most notable unknown source in history. The Angel Deep Throat visited me one night. It wasn’t a literal angel like someone sent from God with wings and a sword. It was more an angel in theory. Like I felt the love an angel might give. This epiphany came to me and I began to research the date. I began to freak out. The signs all pointed that for sure this date would be the end.

Throughout history major events have happened on August 9th. Nagasaki had a nuclear bomb dropped on them. Charles Manson had his family murder a pregnant actress, the Folger’s Coffee heiress, and a few other dummies. Wayne Gretzky was traded. Wayne Gretzky! The greatest hockey player of all time was told to pack his bags and get the hell out of Canada. Chris Jericho debuted in the WWF to call out The Rock. This might not seem big to you, but it was huge in the wrestling world. It even made it onto the Wikipedia page for this date. The Wikipedia page of course being the main source for my prediction.

August 9th also happens to be the 222nd day of the year. The Satanical Bible is a lot like the regular Bible only with more swearing and several of the writers were overly sarcastic. As Christianity has The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit; The Satan Worshippers have The Grim Reaper, The Angel of Death, and The Devil. These three make up Hell. Since there are 3 of them each represents a third of evil. What is the number associated with evil? 666! 222 times 3, one for each member of Hell, gives you 666. The numbers are clearly there. Do not deny my math skills.

I hope you can understand more where my mind is and why I not only believe but know the world will come to an end on Thursday August 9th. I suggest you spend the day with your family. Unless you hate your family. Then spend it with someone you like more.

“And thus he arrived. Riding on his horse of fire. A whip torn from flesh in his left hand. Way was made to the diamond. Atop the throne he sat. Sure to let all those willing to see that he was here to stay. Past times no more the same. Life forever had changed. Satan had become king.”

Comments
  1. Addie says:

    Goodness (has nothing to do with it)!

  2. elroyjones says:

    Maxing my credit cards out right NOW.

  3. A gripping life says:

    Not to be weird but I really hope something big and bad happens on the 9th. I’m one of those freaky people that look forward to the end. And by “end” I mean something that will change things up dramatically, like the second coming. : )

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    Roy Hodgson, English football manager was also born on that day and Bernie Mac died on that day two years ago.

    I cannot fault this logic.

  5. With logic like this, who can deny?

    Now, do I have to clean the house or anything? Does judgment day come with some sort of evaluation of housecleaning? Because I’ve still got a lot of things to do and I’d just as soon not spend my final moments vacuuming.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Well it depends. The kind of judging that will be done based on your messy apartment is more a passive aggressive one. Nobody will tell you to clean it but comments will be made like “Oh have you seen your sister’s place yet? She keeps things so clean.” Let the mess be. The earthquakes will ruin anything you try to pick up anyway.

  6. Pete Howorth says:

    Come my people and shut thy doors about thee.
    For a power shall come to punish the meek for their inequity.
    For on the 222nd day of 2012 a familiar force shall arrive to claim what is his.
    The power cometh is a thief in the night, to claim what others have taken.
    Those who are unjust; destruction shall come upon them and they shall not escape.
    Behold the power will come with vengeance to render his anger with fury.
    The deception the weak have perpetrated shall be castigated.
    The 222nd day of 2012 a prophet will emerge and destroy the weak.
    As he sat upon the mount, the question arose:
    “When shall things be and which shall be the sign of my coming?”
    He answered, “When she tells us.
    She holds the mystery of my arrival and my rebirth.
    For when I beckon her; I will return to claim what is mine and things shall never be the same again.”
    On the 222nd day of 2012, it will be the end of the world as you know it.

  7. renxkyoko says:

    I have to wear my nicest underwear, just in case.

  8. I have a dilemma – tomorrow is bin day (trash collection in your parlance) – I am conditioned to but the bin out. Is it worth it though?

  9. Luddy's Lens says:

    Well, look, what time of day will it happen? And is that Pacific or Eastern or GMT? Because I’d rather not have to iron my work clothes I’m not gonna need ‘em.

  10. I am so proud of you. You used Deep Throat as a fact gathering reference and not as a porno film one. And you tied together the other posts very neatly. I am ready to face death with a proud little smile on my face…

  11. Addie says:

    I’m sitting here, all dressed up and waiting.

  12. Pete Howorth says:

    I sure hope Carl Davis wasn’t a reader of your blog.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m not sure what this means. You’re either talking about a musical composer or a boxer. Olympic spoiler alert?

      • Pete Howorth says:

        Hah no he was a music producer that died today. How unlucky would it have been if he was a reader of your blog and as soon as 9th came he felt himself slipping away.

        “I knew Tim was righttttt”

  13. It’s August the 10th now, and everything seems to be the same….
    But I know it isn’t true! Something must have happened, right? At least a bee must have died somewhere or something?

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