From the skies birds drop dead. Fish in the oceans float to the top. Ice caps melt. Hillbillies purchase toothbrushes. Louie Anderson does a successful sit up. I change the channel away from the best of women’s Olympic volleyball. The world has come to an end. My first novel is now available in full.

(Your excitement level)

Yep, there were people out there who said I couldn’t do it. Friends. Family. The Nation of Islam. All of you. I spit on your grave. I have a completed book and what have you done with your life? I bet you can’t even lift a book. I’m stronger than you are. Better too. You won’t have me to push around anymore. I have as much credibility as that 50 Shades of Grey monster.

(She’s getting a little full of herself putting her own face on her next book)

Here is a link to purchase my book:

And here is another:

Did you miss it? I’ll give you a third:

You might be asking why the hell you should buy my book. Do you love your children? Didn’t think so. This book if you print it out is over 100 pages. That wastes paper. Paper coming from trees. Less trees means less oxygen. Your dumb kids will suffocate to death sooner rather than later. A perfect reason behind making this purchase. You can also smack them with the hardcopy. Children hate to be smacked. Especially by their parents. It causes them psychological damage. Boo-Hoo.

Thank you for all your continued support and readership with this blog. Without viewers like you (I feel like I should be offering you a $75 tote bag with Grover on it) I probably never would have put forth the agonizing manpower it took to complete this book. So in a way I guess you’re all coauthors. Even more of a reason to buy a copy! You will be on a best seller list. Of course we never signed any contract or anything so you will not receive financial compensation. If we ever meet in person I will be sure to give you a pat on the back. Unless you have a sweating problem. Then maybe you will have to settle for a wink in the distance.

And as a special gift (mostly to myself because I know more people will read it if they can get a free copy) I have included a code to access my book for free. I still would love a $2.99 donation. If you happen to pay full price let me know and you can decide what I spend the money on. It must be something practical like lunch or paying a Mexican coyote to smuggle me a slave into America.

All you have to do is sign up for the website at Smashwords, it’s very easy and free, then enter the code AG46L as the coupon to knock the price to nothing. I’m not sure exactly when it will be available on other sites as I did not think the Internet was so slow it would take three weeks for two websites to communicate.

As for why I chose August 9th, it just happened to be a month away from when I decided to do this gimmick. I got lucky a few strange things actually did occur on the day. Imagine how excited you would have been about this if I delivered you something you actually cared about. I am a true carny at heart.

Special thanks to Michael Cargill because without him I never would have heard of Smashwords. I will report back as soon as the book is available on other places like Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and so forth. Well, it is on Barnes and Noble but they thought the cover was so rad it didn’t deserve an actual summary.

P.S. As soon as I posted this it started to rain really hard and the lights flickered. Maybe I was onto something afterall…

Comments
  1. Pete Howorth says:

    And I suppose you want me to review it do you?! Like I’m just some little whore?

    Well you’re right, I will review. Then I expected to be given half, that’s right HALF of everything you make.

    And if you disagree… well, just sign my Kindle so I can flog it on eBay after you’re dead.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Sure thing! I’m looking forward to reading your book as well and whatever you give me I give you. I think the industry term for this is 69’ing.

      We’ll ride each other’s coat tails to the top!

  2. Is this for real? I can’t click the links. Stupid computer.

  3. Pete Howorth says:

    Also, I’ll reblog your blog to my blog so other people will read the reblog and come to your blog and buy the book you have advertised on your blog.

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    Reblogged this on Evolution.Of.Insanity v3.0 and commented:
    Moosie’s written a book, but don’t worry he’s not related to Susan Boyle, they just had sex once.

  5. Addie says:

    Hajalli–Hallijul–Hailuli–Hurrah!!

  6. Lily says:

    You realize you’re now one of the people we’ve talked about, right? I MIGHT read it. I can barely keep up with your blog, so I’m not making any promises. But I like the title. Hey, look! I’ve read four words of your book!
    Also, I like your little catchphrase “I’d rather be dead than well-read” better than the time is relative one. So theres a critique to hold you until I critique your book.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Well no rush if you ever do happen to read it. It’s not like the dream I had Monday night where it becomes famous for being the worst book ever written will really come true. Then my gums fell out from my mouth but my teeth stayed in there. What could this mean?

      I agree with your critique. I am humbled by it too.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh wait now I get your first sentence haha I was actually going to say something to you about that. I think someone tempered with my brain waves. I’ve crossed over to the evil side.

  7. timethief says:

    Woo hoo! This is so exciting. Congrats!

  8. A gripping life says:

    I’m so disappointed that the end didn’t come but I’m also happy for you and your new book. I’m just conflicted, I guess. Seriously, congratulations. That’s quite an accomplishment..

  9. joehoover says:

    You kept this quiet? you want the cash or shall I download free and donate instead to some needy kids charity?

  10. The Waiting says:

    Congratulations! I really like how you made the release date coincide with the end of the end of the world. If you don’t make it as an author, you could at least have a career as a publicist.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I know, right? I keep saying to myself imagine if this was something really important people were looking forward to. I had people come up to me in person and actually ask me what the whole thing was. People who I didn’t even think read my blog.

  11. Holy cow, this is great, Tim! How did you manage to refrain from blab about it all this time? If I were you, I’d have been telling anyone who would stand still long enough to listen. And the book sounds cool—at first when I saw that it involved baseball and Satan I thought maybe you had written about Bud Selig. But Satan as a little-league player? NICE. Congratulations!!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks! Well, I had to blab to one person but I’ve known him since we were 5. I also told my dad. Now that I think about it, these were the only 2 people who would stand around and listen long enough. Maybe I would have told everyone. And trust me, it was painful to keep it in. I’m too much a gossip.

      I never minded Selig much. After the tied All-Star game and he shrugged I knew he was just George Bush in an MLB cap.

  12. Cafe says:

    Omg Tim, congrats!! I’m so proud of you *tear*
    I’m definitely buying a copy — yes, I will not be using your freebie code!!
    Congrats again!!

  13. Cafe says:

    Hey do you care if I buy it from Barnes & Nobles or from Smashwords?

    • Mooselicker says:

      It really doesn’t matter. The pro from Smashwords is I get maybe 40 cents more off each purchase. The pro from B&N comes from the fact people have actually heard of it. If you buy off B&N please be sure to write up a review, nothing fancy, something nice is all.

      Thanks again Janice!

  14. Hobbles says:

    Didn’t you have a post with the characters from your book once? Anyway, congratulations! That is amazing, excellent, inspirational, o… nevermind, I was going to use all the vowels. You impressed me that much. ;)

    • Mooselicker says:

      I did. Goes to show you how many people go back and read it since right now it’s a picture of Chris Jericho. If you go back and read the last few posts you’ll see how much I mention Satan, Hell, and through out subtle hints about baseball. I’m bad at giving away clues.

      Always happy to inspire someone at least part way through the alphabet!

  15. Well look at you! I love the book description on the other site. Dude, I’m totally going to read it and review it for you. Gonna try to hammer out this other book floating around in my head first, then you’re next in the queue. SO Proud of you!!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks ‘Jell! I’ll be sure to do the same for your book once you finish it. As I told Pete, I finished writing this book in December. The last few months have been hating it, rewriting, and editing it over and over again. Somehow I also managed to write another book, this one non-fiction, where I burn bridges with every girl who ever turned me down. Oh joy.

      Thanks again and let me know once you’re done with yours if you need any help getting it online. It was a little overwhelming at first.

      • Yes, I am stuck in the not-wanting-to-edit-it phase because it seems so dang daunting. So I just want to write another one while the idea is dancing around in my brain. I’d love some input on how to publish and motivation to actually get it done! Color me jealous ;)

      • Mooselicker says:

        Definitely take a month or 2 off. Think the book was a waste of time to write. Then go back to it and read it through as a fan, making a few changes here and there. Read it out loud too near the end point. It helps. It also was extremely easy to format everything the way they wanted it even though there’s an 80 page “style guide” they want you to read. I had my book up free to the public for a week. Actually sold 20 copies, for free of course, but they were all to complete strangers which is heart warming.

        Find some stuff you wrote and put it up for free as well. I’m trying to do that. Maybe even take old blog posts, cram them into a “book” just to get a larger audience.

      • That’s some excellent advice. Garnering an audience is super important. And I like the giving it free for a week bit.

        The process of hating then being ok with the book seems inevitable, especially when I’m starting to get feedback from friends that read it. I thought it would be easier to take but I want to scrap it right now. Or let it lie. Feeling like I might enjoy it again soon gives me hope!

      • Mooselicker says:

        Are your friends saying they absolutely hate the book? If someone agrees they hate the book then you probably should be done with their opinion. If everybody says they hate the book then maybe it actually does suck, but even then I don’t think you should stop yourself. You’ll figure it out. Keep working hard at it!

      • It’s hard to say. The genre is already something outside of their radar, so it’s hard to know if it’s about them not reading romances or the story.

  16. After reading the description, I can confidently say that this book is right up my alley. Please let me know when I can buy a copy from a brick and mortar store as I am unable to purchase online.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Hmmm I doubt it will ever be available in hardcopy. The book would have had to cost $30 to make a 1 cent profit. If you actually really want to read it and write up a review afterwards I know a few ways to get you a copy. Let me know!

  17. Congrats Moose! That’s awesome!

  18. Anna says:

    THIS IS AWESOME NEWS! But you didn’t need me to tell you that :D As soon as I come into some amount of monies, I shall be buying your book. Congratulations Sir Mooselicker!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Anna! I appreciate it. If times remain tough don’t feel guilty about stealing yourself a free copy. I’m happy enough to get an English female interested in anything I have to say.

  19. I knew it-I knew it-I knew it-I’M SO GOOD!!!

    I’m kinda full with books these days but I’ll find time to finish your book asap. Wait for my overly critical review, although you already had me laughing with Gerald Esposito’s short exposure. Hahaha! Way to go, Timmy! :D :D :D

  20. Addie says:

    Here is the review I wrote on Smashwords:

    A unique first novel, written in the very distinct voice that is Tim Boyle. From the opening line through the amusing Q&A session at the end of the novel, you are treated to Tim’s view of the world, a view that can, at times, be a bit skewed.

    Did I enjoy this? Truth be told, it was out of my usual zone of reading, and, not something I’d normally pick up and buy/read. With that said, I found it interesting and quirky.

    Tim has a way with words and phrases–one of my favorites is found in an early chapter:

    “One of the seven deadly sins. Gleaming” Still makes me laugh.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks a lot! It means a lot! Especially how fast you were. Has it really only been 2 weeks? Wow. What am I doing with myself?

      If there’s anything of equal or lesser value I can do for you do not hesitate.

  21. […] blog post that wasn’t Blog Award related or the Opening Credits I have on my home page when I announced the availability of my first ever book. If you remember correctly, I hyped it up for a month leaving clues and making people think I had […]

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