I’ve been thinking a lot about selling my soul lately. Not on eBay or something silly like that. I’m talking straight up to the Devil. It’s hard to get in touch with him though. The Devil has no cell phone service (he has a phone, just no service) and sitting around calling out for him does no good, I’ve tried. I thought maybe doing a post about my soul could help get in touch with him. Who knows? Maybe one of you knows the Devil or something. It’s called networking.

(Satan mocking us in a sweater)

Why would a man want to sell his soul? Is there something I want so badly I am willing to give up eternal damnation in order to get it? These are hard questions to answer. I think there are many reasons why a person should essential sell their soul. Maybe not so much to the Devil, but giving up your morals, integrity, and other human aspects in order to achieve something doesn’t sound so bad right now. I’ve come to the realization I would rather sell my soul before losing it. The same goes with anything. I’d hate to lose something I could have sold. Whether it’s my soul or valuable baseball cards, I hate losing my stuff.

If the Devil were here and he had a contract all written up in a fun yet readable font with a pen I could keep after signing I wouldn’t have to think long before giving him my John Hancock. Heck, I might even leave the John Han part of it out if the Devil looked anything like Elizabeth Hurley. Austin Powers really ruins careers.

(Suddenly I want a strawberry and my toilet cleaned)

There are a few things I would give up my soul to get. Oddly enough most are things I used to pray for. But I have lived my life a certain way to come to the realization a prayer is asking a favor and favors come with a price. The price in this case, my soul. The first thing I would ask for is losing desire. The desire to succeed, to be liked, the desire for everything I want it all gone. Isn’t that what Buddhism is all about? Being lazy and careless and having Urban Legends centering around gerbils up your butt?

(“No Tim, Buddhism is about much more than sticking small pets into your anus. It’s also about not doing anything worthwhile with your popular in the last 10 years.” – Richard Gere schooling me on Buddhism. Seriously, he hasn’t done a thing since Mothman Prophecies)

Selling my soul would basically be for exactly that lone purpose, losing my identity as a person with a soul. It’s been said in science books that every time someone masturbates Jesus cries and a cat kills a retarded person. I want to be the opposite of Jesus, I want to not care what other people do, think, or say. I guess what I’m saying is I’m tired of having emotions. I’m a little sick of being human.

Since my soul seems to have no takers I’m going to keep it. This reminds me of the one time I tried selling some old action figures on eBay and nobody bought them. Rather than throw them in the trash I’ve carried these action figures around with me forever. You can’t just throw out an Andre the Giant action figure without trying hard to find it a good home. So for now I guess I have to keep my soul. I have to continue being angry, petty, sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed, angry, lonely, angry, angry, and thirsty. I’m only thirsty because right before I wrote this up I ate an entire block of cheese. At least I felt satisfied for a few minute.

What would you sell your soul for? Don’t say an evening with me. I already know that to be true.

Comments
  1. FatSquirrel says:

    I’ve come across your blog and am interested in speaking with you about your soul. I have worked as a recruiter for the past 15 years, providing souls to “the devil” in exchange for the posh life. Please post a biography and let me see what I can do for you in terms of an exchange.

  2. robpixaday says:

    Haaaaaaaa!!!!
    So artfully crafted!!
    ::applause::

    Oh, no! You didn’t hear? Poor Devil. He was busted on a RICO charge (damn those Ponzi schemes!!)…so no more liquidity. He’s still in the game but it’s all timeshares now; his Consigliere’s running them. Want to share your soul with someone? I’d go half but mine lost half of its value in the recession. With nothing left to trade, I’m just sitting around hoping that the Mayans are right.
    :O

  3. Hahah! Brilliant, Tim!! Fresh and original. I especially like the Richard Gere stuff and photo. Perfect.

  4. Drunk Moose says:

    I was really convinced that Richard Gere was dead until I read this blog post. so thank you for informing me on that

  5. Lily says:

    I think I would sell my soul for lots of money like Mark Zuckerberg. He unforunately sold his personality too, I guess. I can’t really think of anything I would sell my soul for that I couldn’t just buy with money, but I have a feeling that if it came down to it, I would probably just spend my money on food.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Sell your soul straight up for food then? I don’t even know what your favorite food is. I hope that means we have interesting conversations if it’s never come to that question being asked.

  6. I knew, as soon as I saw that you started off with; ‘I’ve been thinking a lot’, that this post was going to be weird…
    I am glad that by the end you realized how little your soul is worth on the open market. That shows promise.
    Now, go check the caption under the Gere photo… he is saying not to do anything with your popular… I have no idea what that means, so he might be an idiot… ha!

  7. The winning Powerball numbers would’ve been nice.

    I’ll tell the Devil that you’re looking for him. He parks in the space beside me. (And he drives like a real dick.)

  8. Cafe says:

    Wouldn’t sell my soul for anything. But you knew that ;)

  9. I studied abroad in England under the assumption that most/some/any of the girls there looked like Elizabeth Hurley. If you do indeed sell your soul, don’t waste the money on a flight to England in hopes of hooking up with girls that look like her as there are none to be found. Cheerio!

    -R

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think you just insulted half an island nation with honesty. Kudos and I agree. I’ve met a few English women and it’s sometimes hard to tell they’re women. Give me a nice Irish girl anyway. Not that they’re always much better…

  10. […] today, I was scrolling through my WordPress Reader and came across Mooselicker’s post. It really didn’t matter what it was about (I don’t mean it like that, Tim) — all […]

  11. Addie says:

    I’d sell mine to protect my children. Seriously, I would.

  12. Addie says:

    Nah, it just means I’m really selfish.

  13. reneetamara says:

    I’ll give you $21.65 .
    oh, never mind, I have my hands full with my own soul.
    brilliantly weird post. thank you. or weirdly brilliant?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Considering I don’t seem to have too many other takers and I could get groceries for a few days with the money I may need to take you up on your offer.

      This was definietely one of the stranger things I wrote. I don’t even remember the purpose.

  14. It’s an interesting question. What are we without a soul? An empty vessel wandering around? I would have to know what it feels like before I commit to it. Didn’t Bart think he sold his soul to Milhouse once? I think Addie’s right, for my kids – or my husband. Like a trade, because I couldn’t go one without them.

    On another note, this is the best ever: “all written up in a fun yet readable font with a pen I could keep after signing”

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh no a Sophie’s Choice in a way. It’s good you’d sacrifice yourself for family but I’m not surprised. And I think Bart simply gave away his soul. What a dummy.

      Font is very important to me.

  15. Pete Howorth says:

    If I had a soul, which I don’t because I was born without one it’d be for tons of cash and maybe a few hot bitches.

  16. I’m with Addie; I’d probably only sell my soul to protect my baby. Or for chocolate covered mint cream Oreos. It’s a toss-up.

  17. There are times when I’d sell my soul for Carvel ice cream. Does that make me cheap?

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