Miller Lite Girls

Posted: January 20, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

A girl once told me I was weird when I went on a 10 minute rant on why I thought strip clubs were stupid. I won’t go into it but because I hate phonies. Strippers are some of the biggest phonies out there. I don’t hate them for it. Their job is to pretend the beer bellied businessman man is the man they’ve always wanted. I can avoid strippers and their lies easy. Sometimes though it’s hard to avoid the people one level below the stripper, the Miller Lite Girl.

The Miller Lite Girl in this case is a traditionally attractive female between the ages of 18 and 24. When nepotism is involved they’ll go up to 27. They go out to bars and use their flirtatious ways to get lonely older men to buy the product that pays them, Miller Lite. The Miller Lite Girls I’m going to talk about here were sponsored by a radio station based out of Philadelphia, WMMR. It actually doesn’t matter where they came from because all Miller Lite Girls are the same, awful.

miller light girls

(These girls aren’t even that attractive. The one has orange skin and blue eye shadow. Figures a Mets fan would enjoy this. They’ll take any victory they can get. Maybe he likes the orange one because she’s the same colors as Mr. Met?)

I was at my usual bar which is not a party bar. It’s on the Princeton University Campus which you can figure means the average cliental are elderly professors and dorky Chinese kids. There are also quite a few seminary students. Basically what I’m saying is if you’re a guy looking for someone to hook up with you better have an old man fetish.

On this night there were two bimbos in electric blue outfits. It was the same blue the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders wear. Let’s call it Whore Blue actually. I noticed them immediately because even though they were incredibly fake looking they were still by far the most attractive people in the room. No offense of course to the male musician with the Ellen Degeneres face.

ellen

(Gay talk show host Ellen Degeneres or Australian musician CJ “Bearcat” Barna getting ready to play another Rob Thomas song?)

I grabbed a seat with my friend Rob and we noticed them prancing around asking people questions and giving out prizes. I’ve lived long enough to know girls like this would never sleep with me. I know what you’re thinking, who wouldn’t have sex with a pretty face like mine? Models, cheerleaders, incredibly attractive meter maids, the Steinert High School graduating class of 2006, any woman with a job; none of them would ever probably let me cozy up next to them. Knowing this fact is comforting. It simply means I can say “fuck it” and whenever a traditionally hot girl acknowledges my existence I set out to prove just how useless beauty can be in this world.

The bimbos actually made a point to try to get over to Rob and me. I saw them through my peripheral vision coming closer. The thing you need to know about slutty girls is they don’t have peripheral vision. The only direction they see is into a mirror. They thought I had no idea they were coming. I love dumb girls.

The blonde asked Rob if he was drinking beer. He wasn’t and they moved on. I made a point not to even look over when they talked to him. Nobody can say “Hey guys–“ and expect me to group myself in with someone else and respond. I am an individual. I heard them behind us saying “Should we ask him?” referring to me. They agreed that they should ask me. They swooped behind us to move onto others at the bar. The brunette said “Are you guys just drinking water?” I explained that I was drinking water but I’m not in charge of what others drink. She asked Rob what he was drinking and he said Vodka even though he has no clue what he was drinking. He’s not as irresponsible as that sounds.

The brunette explained how if we decided to drink Miller Lite we could win lots of prizes. I asked about these prizes. They had keychains, mini-footballs, and our favorite, beads. I made a big deal about the beads and acted as if they had me sold. Why would a grown man ever want to own beads? I told Rob they had beads in which he responded, “Bees? Don’t they sting?” and suddenly our characters had been developed. I was the Unsure Guy and he was the Idiot. I don’t think we were too far off from these girl’s personalities.

bees

(Not the best prize in the world. Still better than some dumb beads though)

Our conversation lasted way too long. She still thought I might want the beads. She said they would be good for Mardi Gras. I turned to Rob and said “Hey, she knows your buddy Marty Graw.” The brunette looked at me blankly as I asked her where she knew Marty Graw from. “Is that a person’s name? Is this a joke or something?” I laughed in her face and she laughed too because that’s a stupid person’s defense.

A Japanese guy named Dan interrupted (yeah, they name their kids Dan now) and he pretended to be interested because he wanted to talk to two hot chicks. An actual guy from WMMR came over and tried to get us to participate in the raffle to win an Under Armor sweater. Rob asked him if he knew WMMR DJ Jacky Bam-Bam. He said he did. I asked him if he was Jacky Bam-Bam. He said he was not. I kept going on how ugly Jacky Bam-Bam is. He didn’t deny it. He asked if I was a fan of WMMR and I said “I haven’t listened to that station in 5 years.” He asked me why and I said they play too much Van Halen. We bonded for a few moments over how much Van Halen sucks.

jacky bam bam

(Jacky Bam-Bam is on the right. The term “a face for radio” was invented for him)

The radio guy gave us stickers in case we changed our minds on getting beer. I told him and the brunette it was un-American to make me buy beer in order to enter a raffle. I was going to say my parents were killed by drunk drivers and they were part of the problem but didn’t get the chance.

The WMMR crew left. Rob got the idea to order a Bud Light instead and trick them into thinking he got a Miller Lite. They didn’t like this joke. The blonde started getting really angry about our nonsense. She asked why he would waste his money on such a crappy beer. He said if he bought a Miller Lite he would have been wasting his money on a crappy beer. The brunette laughed and finally she was getting the joke.

The girls made one last plea to try to get us to purchase their crap beverage. They hyped up the Under Armor sweater that could keep us warm. I asked if the Under Armor was bullet proof and could act as Kevlar. The blonde said “I don’t know what that means” which I think she probably says a lot. We also tried to explain Rob was drinking his drinks in ABC order and he would get to Miller Lite once M came around. The blonde also didn’t understand what ABC order was. I think she’s still in kindergarten.

kindergartener

(Never let her off your shoulders sir. As soon as you do she’s destined down the path of becoming a bimbo who bothers men in a bar with her boobs)

I think the Miller Lite Girls came by us one more time. They made fun of us for drinking Bud Light and water. They ordered two waters from the bar. I yelled at them for being hypocritical parasites (not really, but I should have used those words) for judging us and getting water for themselves. The blonde kept saying she felt bad for us, Rob for drinking a bad drink and me for associating with him. I pretended to be on their side and made fun of Rob for being such a loser. They laughed at his expense with their retarded pretty girl laughs. Then I told Rob he was such a loser and I was glad his dad killed himself earlier in the week. Their faces got really serious and we talked a little bit more about Rob’s dad’s fake suicide. They got their waters, left, and gave out their stupid Under Armor sweater to some asshole who actually thought he could bang them. Men like that annoy me more than the actual Miller Lite Girls.

Comments
  1. irenmanuhutu says:

    Reblogged this on irenmanuhutu.

  2. yourothermotherhere says:

    What can I tell ya? Sex sells and I don’t think it’s going away anytime soon. Now if only they would get some Miller Lite Guys parading around in little groin pouches…

    • Mooselicker says:

      Sex sells when we’re sober. Sex makes you go bankrupt when you’re drinking. But the keyword is sex and until the girl takes an active interest in my life I know she doesn’t want sex so I’m not buying.

      I’m sure they have your banana hammock Miller Lite Guys somewhere. Maybe it’s another more feminine drink. Either way I hope you get your wish.

  3. robpixaday says:

    Hahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!
    And:
    ::sigh::

    Sad. Funny. Funny. Funny. Funny. Sad. FUNNY. And so on.
    Wish I had something equally funny to say as a comment but I don’t.
    This one’s stellar.
    The fact that I’m not a guy and have done the same kind of stuff to guys makes me laugh even harder.
    I didn’t know there were actual Miller girls…out there. There used to be guys who behaved the same way; I don’t know if they were sponsored, etc. But they elicited the same response in me so all I can do now is say:
    “Thank you, Tim, for hitting this one so far out of the park it turned into the Marty Graw Comet and we’ll be watching it forever. Well, once a year. And we’ll toss those damned beads at it when it goes by.”
    :)

    • Mooselicker says:

      I won’t argue that!

      Maybe I’m old fashioned. I like bar sex to go a certain way. We need to both be left wondering will we ever see each other ever again? They should create Miller Lite Personality Girls where they’re average looking and are just really charming. I’d probably drink more.

  4. Seb says:

    The one with the hysterical fake tan looks like an Oompa Loompa. This is, however, compensated for in part by the one to her right being passably cute.

  5. Addie says:

    I’ve never seen these kinds of saleswomen before–maybe because I stopped hanging out in bars before ‘lite’ was invented? This post kinda made me sad while i was laughing, so, well done once again.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You’re the second person to mention sadness from this post. Was it because it was really long? I mostly wrote this for my friend Rob to see. He liked it on Facebook so I guess he read it.

      • Addie says:

        No, of course not, I’d have said that. The post is well written, and that’s why I feel sad, It’s sadness based on the girls. That choice of ‘career’ seems so pathetic, basically a step up from selling yourself completely–using your looks to push beer, being paid based on how much beer you sell.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I guess it’s sad. I mean, I wouldn’t mind peddling beer based on my looks. It’s sad though in that they “glass ceiling themselves” by choosing such a job. The one seemed nice enough though. If she had been mistreated a little bit more when she was younger maybe she would do something better with her life.

  6. This was a good post. I learned things about you and your life, and about bimbos. Bimbos are not smart enough to understand that as long as they exist, men can never really take women seriously as equals. I have much more respect for actual prostitutes than I do for bimbos. At least hookers know how to avoid getting pregnant usually. Bimbos forget stuff, and that is why we have an endless supply of them.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Arthur, have I ever told you you should blog more about the difference between prostitutes and bimbos? This was a great comment and knowledge to drop on me. Falling for bimbo’s tricks are a young man’s folly. I like to think I know better.

      • Bimbos can have their own unique charm, but it is a short-lasting power. They grow tiresome quickly. I am a man who enjoys conversation, so I don’t care how attractive a bimbo is, she isn’t going to hold my attention for long.

  7. If I were a guy, I would not be into these broads at all. Mainly because of the orange tan. That’s a turn-off. But also because they’re so stupid and really shouldn’t talk, but these seem to be the kind of chicks that NEVER stop talking. I’m guessing that would really ruin the mood if you’re trying to use them sexually. And I think I’m going to refer to that blue color from now on as Whore Blue.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think my favorite thing was that they took one look at me and my friend and assumed we were marks to do whatever they wanted us to do. Yeah thank your whore pals for making me never trust women who look like you.

      I’m not sure how talkative they were. I usually burn bridges with “pretty” girls right away because I know they’re using me. I need to write a poem now that describes the sky as a “whore blue.”

  8. Another fantastic post. I wish something interesting would happen to ME when I go to a bar. It’s always so loud that I can’t hear a conversation. So I find myself nodding in agreement to whatever is being said. I hope I haven’t agreed to help bury a body or anything.

    • Mooselicker says:

      98% of my life is nodding and agreeing so don’t feel bad. Watch the opening to Ferris Bueller’s Day off. He gives great tips on how to get out of school. You could use it to get out of burying a body.

  9. Rob says:

    It took me about 22 hours to remember that I stuck that sticker to someones parked car.

  10. That orange girl is so freaky I can simply not read on.
    Sorry.

  11. This post reminded me of almost all my roommates in college. At one point I was personally acquainted with a Hooters girl. What is worse, a Hooters girl or a Miller Light girl? Probably a Miller Light girl because they don’t even have to be smart enough to take orders for hot wings.

    • I like your logic. I talked to a Hooters girl at a bar once. I think I made her feel old because she said “Do you know blah blah blah” and I said “No but I know her younger sister who is 4 years younger and my age.” She was weird looking.

      When am I going to pig out on hot wings? It’s 34% of what I think about.

  12. Tess says:

    I just started as a Miller Lite girl and its honestly the easiest and most convienent side job ive ever had. I get to make my own schedule so it works around the jobs that I need to do for MY CAREER. And thats the only reason. One thing that you seem to not understand is that THE GIRLS DONT GIVE A FLYING FUCK if you buy the beer or not. They are simply giving out samples, not asking you to buy anything. You sound very judgemental and quite frankly, i dont think you know what your talking about. Not all of the women that you are bashing here are “bimbos” and not all of them are bitches. So stop putting all of them in one category and making assumptions based on their job and appearence. Im sorry you feel so strongly about this topic that you wrote a whole artical on it… i hope your life gets better.

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