Today I am going to make two bold declarations. I have no basis other than simple observations I have made. I’m probably completely wrong but so what? If these two things ever do come out I can brag that I was one of the first to openly blog about it. Imagine the hits this blog will get. People will swear I’m some fortune-teller who knows all. I’m not. In fact I can’t find my computer charger. Let’s type this as quickly as I can before this baby dies. There were probably better things to say than baby dies. Sorry to all the dead babies out there for offending you.

Bold Declaration #1

Barack Obama is an Atheist

obama_liturgy

(He looks incredibly uncomfortable in this church attire. I’m not sure what it’s called exactly but it looks like a mix between a hazmat suite and an over-sized state trooper uniform. Notice how he’s waving with his left hand. Certainly the mark of the beast)

I’ve said this before and I’m going to finally actually put it in a blog post. This guy comes off completely like a man who doesn’t believe in God. There’s nothing wrong with that. Jesse “The Body” Ventura is an Atheist too and he was a great politician. As “The Body” said while being interviewed by Opie and Anthony several years ago “I could never become president because I’m out as an Atheist.” This is very true. Enough people would not vote an Atheist into office.

There are many reasons why an open Atheist will not become president any time soon. The first is that religion is such an important factor in so many voters’ lives. They don’t want to vote someone into office who completely poo-poos their Sundays. The other big reason is because Atheists tend to talk about nothing other than being Atheists. It can get a little annoying at times. Atheists can be like girls and everything. Girls love talking about themselves to an annoying degree. Atheists like to talk about how smart they are for not believing anything. Simply put, Atheists can be really annoying.

What makes me think Obama is an Atheist is the way he behaves whenever religion is brought up. He doesn’t seem genuine when he says the word “God.” He seems to be a man who cares more about the here and now rather than the afterlife. Most of all I think he’s an Atheist because I think it would be a fantastic twist on the whole “Obama is a Muslim” saga. If he’s an Atheist then everybody is wrong except for me which would be great to be national news for once.

Bold Declaration #2

Quentin Tarantino is gay

quentin tarantino gay

(I honestly can’t imagine him saying anything here other than “Ahoy there sailors!” with a heavy lisp. He’s also standing between two balls)

I actually have some facts to back this one up. Not really, but sort of. In the same way the singer from Judas Priest had to wait a while to come out, Tarantino has to cover up his lust for man-ass. Tarantino’s target audience tends to be younger males who tend to be the most homophobic. That’s not to say your grandpa isn’t but he’s also too deaf to enjoy movies anymore so let’s leave him out.

Tarantino has been romantically linked to several film stars and now at 49 is still unmarried. My uncle is a bit older and unmarried. He’s only ever been romantically linked to teenage girls. This doesn’t necessarily make Tarantino gay, he might just have a smelly balls that he’s embarrassed to share. Tarantino simply cannot come out as gay quite yet because it will hurt his popularity no matter how accepting most of his fans would be. The guy resurrected (or should I say erected) John Travolta’s career. John Travolta of course being the owner of the largest closet in the world to hide in.

My biggest reason though for making this bold declaration is I met someone who looks like and behaves similarly to him. This kid is flaming. You could toast a marshmallow or warm a homeless family off his lisp. The kid is also a huge film nerd and has the same square butt chin as Tarantino. This kid claims to be straight but he clearly isn’t. There’s nothing wrong with being gay and it’s fine if Tarantino stays in the closet forever, it’s his life. 20 years from now I just want you to be sitting in a prison watching a television where either of these two things come out as being true. I want you to think to yourself “Wow, Mooselicker was so smart” then go back to serving your 7 consecutive life sentences. Yes, I hope you end up in prison. Not that I hate you or anything. I just need some connections on the inside is all.

Make a bold declaration of your own. I’ll pretend to agree then laugh about how stupid you are because you’ll be in prison soon anyway.

Comments
  1. renxkyoko says:

    I swear tatantino is wearing something from the Philippines.. that shirt. It’s the Philippines national shirt for men… it’s embroidered pineapple cloth… it doesn;t make him gay, though.

  2. okay… that first picture caption under Obama… that is just fucking funny.
    ha… square butt chin… oh man…
    I will be too old in 20 years to be a useful prison connection, but I will be there for you if you need me… to gum somebody in a riot or whatever…

  3. Lily says:

    I totally agree with both of your statements. Did you ever see Obama’s church before he was president? It was like a “white people suck” church. Which is fine, but it’s not very spiritual. I feel like he’s insincere when he talks about God too. Like, he feels like he has to mention it, but doesn’t really want to.

    I can totally see the Tarantino thing. Think about Pulp Fiction. There was a man raping a man. That wouldn’t be my first choice in a story line. I also think George Clooney is gay. I think he hides behind beautiful women and then dumps them after a while. And I think Oprah is gay too.

    I wish they would just come out and say instead of us having to let out their secret for them.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oprah is definitely gay. I hope she does come out because she’d be a wealthy overweight black woman. I can hear my grandfather rising from the dead just to kill himself all over again. I’m not sure about Clooney but it wouldn’t surprise me. Stacy Keibler is really attractive but she’s also somewhat flat-chested. The Clooney Compromise, he has to deal with a woman but she has no breasts.

      Obama’s religious affiliation is whatever Michelle tells him it is. Can we stop talking about the First Lady’s hair and start talking about how incredibly mean she is?

  4. The Waiting says:

    I never would have thought either of those things, but now that you’ve put them in my head I doubt I will ever be able to get them out. My bold declaration is that Rebecca Black is responsible for Saturday delivery of the mail being cancelled.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Someone on Facebook blamed the no mail on Saturday on the Jews. Rebecca Black does have a bit of a crooked nose and she’s famous for no reason at all. I think you’re both right.

  5. Django Unchained. If it is his being gay and denying it that allows him to make such wonderful films, then I don’t want him to be straight.

  6. I agree with both declarations. Perhaps because Obama thinks he is God, it causes some to believe he’s an atheisit. It’s just that he believes he is omnipotent. That’s all. Haha!
    Tarantino is either gay or bi or asexual. I’m not sure what he is but if you think about it too long you’ll start to get nauseous.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I don’t think Obama thinks he’s God as much as he thinks Michelle is. I’m tired of hearing how good looking that family is. They’re average.

      Thinking anything about Tarantino long enough can make you want to reach for the barf bag. There’s no way he doesn’t have some serious secrets. More power to him.

  7. tinkadele says:

    The fact that Quentin’s name is so close to queer is no coincidence. Love ya QT, you raging homosexual. x

  8. robpixaday says:

    Yep, those are bold statements up there.
    Is Tarantino an atheist too? Or do we just not care?

    Two more?
    (1) Philadelphia doesn’t exist.
    (2) The Popemobile moonlights as a food truck with KleinenJungen Würstchen and Churchkey Pilsner on the menu.

    By the way: (1) is mine. And it’s true. (2) is something I heard a few days ago and I can’t say who said it. He’s not bold. But he’s connected.

    If I were as bold as you I’d do a post on actors/celebrities who look like they have bad breath. Some people, you just see them and KNOW their breath is lethal. Imagine having that job, being smashed up against some beautiful actresses, zoned in for a kiss and she puffs sewer gas all over your face. The cable news people, too. And singers? Did you know that’s why they started making microphones with foam coverings? Because all that corrosive air was rotting the metal of the mics. Foam is like roaches: indestructible.

    Any chance you’d do a post on this? Naming names? Or did you and I missed it?

    • Mooselicker says:

      If Philadelphia doesn’t exist how…you know I won’t ask. I’m afraid to find out the answer.

      The only real celebrity gossip I know is that Ethan Hawke has smelly feet. My sister met him years ago and his feet were really smell. It was at a home theater in our hometown (he went to high school near me) and she worked there and had to ask him to remove his feet from the theater seats.

      I also hear Tyler Perry is black.

  9. robpixaday says:

    Tyler Perry is black? He should’ve told us. :(

    LOL…I wasn’t looking for gossip-gossip, just wildly humorous speculation. I’m sure there are some very nicely-scented public figures, too. Muammar Gaddafi always gave me that “I spritzed gently with a lime-scented cologne immediately before the beheading and it made things much nicer for everyone” vibe.

    (Too soon?)

    Anyway, you’d do it so much better. I’m too clunky with humor (and it’s often too obscure).

    Did you get a lot of snow there?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Sometimes the best make-up rumors are the ones you don’t have to. Did you know Bruce Willis was originally cast in Die Hard because he was the Hollywood actor who most resembled a penis?

      I think we got a lot. I live in the third floor and the view outside is tough to see. I haven’t gone outside since Thursday morning. I know we got a bit more than you guys.

  10. robpixaday says:

    Bwahahah!!!!!

    Thursday? Yow. I hope you have food in there with you.

    We had about an inch, I guess. The driveway’s melting already. ::whew::
    And that smoke detector is still chirping.
    :)

  11. It’s probably because of me living in Western Europe, but I believe atheists make good presidents. Not because of being an atheist. Okay, this will be hard to explain. People who believe in a god of any kind, tend to say their god want something in this or that way. But gods can’t be hold responsable for everything going on. It’s better to feel responsable yourself. I think.
    Does that count as a bold declaration or just as an opinion no one cares about?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh NBI I care about your opinion. I agree with it too and understand what you mean. A lot of people will use religion as an excuse whereas if they don’t believe in God they have one less major thing to give an excuse about. Now I’m starting to think that’s a bad way to put it. But yes, I understand what you’re saying. America is just a little far behind.

  12. Pete Howorth says:

    Barack Obama used to be white.

    Like a reverse Michael Jackson.

  13. Luddy's Lens says:

    I’ve heard Tarantino is a foot-fetishist, and that’s why we are regularly subjected to Uma Thurman’s gigantic bared clodhoppers when she appears in his films.

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