Recently I fell in love. The most romantic thing of all was it happened this past Valentine’s Day. I was instantly head over heels. From the moment I woke up until the second I fell asleep at night I had could only think about my love. I made sure to devote a lot of time to making things work. I would have given up anything to hear “yes” and instead I was rejected.

Rejection

(This is how I felt. Of course in real life I’m less jive)

For future reference, if I ever refer to loving something and I don’t clearly state that it was a human being then it probably wasn’t. I didn’t really fall in love with anyone or anything as much as I got incredibly interested in submitting comedic pieces to the website College Humor. It’s true though that I put a lot of time and will continue to attempt writing for them. As part of my creative endeavors to diversify myself I am attempting to submit as much to them as possible until they get so annoyed with me they give me a job. This strategy works on women in movies so it must work on websites in real life because aren’t women really just a humor website when you really think about it?

From now on whenever I have something rejected from the site I will post it on this blog. Whenever I have something make it onto the site I will only post a link because it’s a big deal how many hits you get on your articles. So here’s the first thing I wrote for them that received a big fat rejection sticker. I think I have two that are going on the site because they disappeared from my submissions and I never got an email saying yes or no. Fingers crossed…

Quentin Tarantino is Trying to Turn Me Gay

Filmmaker Quentin Tarantino has a unique creative voice. His films tend to be ultraviolent and filled with a colorful cast of characters. Some Tarantino haters claim his films encourage violence. His movies have never made me want to kill anyone. However, they’re starting to turn me gay. The female characters in his films are so insanely more masculine than I could ever be no matter how much protein powder I consume. I’m starting to think I should just move to Vermont and find a twink to marry because I will never end up with a woman like the ones Tarantino showcases in his movies.

Beatrix Kiddo “The Bride” from Kill Bill:

Beatrix-Kiddo-kill-bill-15051888-1087-1400

(I always thought her name was Beatrice. Is Beatrix a real name? I never trust people with an X in their name)

Played by Uma Thuman, The Bride is everything I’m afraid of in a woman. She does not give up. She just keeps coming after you. Poor Bill made one mistake, trying to kill her on her wedding day, and she will not let it go. She knows Kung Fu, how to use a sword, and travels around the world without getting lost like most women would. I could never date a woman like The Bride. I want to cut off my own penis just thinking about it.

Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction:

mia wallace

(Confidence in a woman is sexy. Confidence in a woman also makes me shit my pants)

Again played by Uma Thuman, Mia Wallace is the wife of gangster Marcellus Wallace, a man I have no interest in ever pissing off. John Travolta’s character Vincent Vega feels the same way I would when he’s asked to take her out on a date. His only task is to laugh at her fucking jokes and pretend what she has to say is interesting. Still, her beauty and unique perspective on life is a Venus flytrap begging men to enter. Mia is entirely too careless with her drug usage too which would be annoying. One date with Vincent and she nearly overdoses. To me Marcellus Wallace does in fact look like a bitch because he puts up with Mia’s nonsense.

All of the women in Death Proof:

death proof

(Math pattern question, what color will the next woman’s skin be and what color shirt will she be wearing?)

The female characters in Tarantino’s grindhouse film Death Proof fall into two main categories. These women are either incredibly dumb and will do whatever a man fools them into doing or they won’t shut the fuck up. The ones who don’t shut the fuck up end up surviving which sends a bad message. The options are pretty limited in this film as far as teaching women how to behave goes. Then again, if you watch a Tarantino film on how you should behave then you’re doing a lot of things wrong in your life.

The fact no women appear in Reservoir Dogs:

reservoir-dogs1-700x553

(I think at this point in his career Tarantino was still too awkward to talk to girls)

Reservoir Dogs is a great film. When considering it’s an all-male cast I begin to wonder if we even need women. I know they’re important for procreation and pie baking so we cannot completely kill them off. The only key female in the entire film is the pregnant woman in the car who shoots Mr. Orange. If this tells me anything it’s that all women are already knocked up and they’re carrying guns. This is not the kind of girl I want or need in my life.

Samuel L. Jackson in everything he does:

sam-jackson

(Look at that soft smile. It’s like he’s telling me not to worry, everything is going to be alright)

Tarantino has convinced me that sex with Samuel L. Jackson would be the best sex of my life. He’s a little wild, he always plays it cool, and his voice alone could probably make me climax. I’m not sure how down Mr. L. Jackson would be to ever sleep with me, but is there any harm in asking? The worst thing he could ever say is “No motherfucker! I ain’t no queer!” and that alone will be enough to satisfy my libido.

Comments
  1. becca3416 says:

    I had the same one sided love affair with Cracked.com. Sigh…

    • Mooselicker says:

      Cracked is great but it seemed like it was way too much work for something they may not even accept. I feel like it was more about the research and if I was good at that I’d be an archaeologist.

      • becca3416 says:

        Exactly, that’s why I eventually gave up there. I am no researcher either. If I come up with an angle that seems promising I may give it another shot, but for now pursuing that relationship is shelved.

  2. Pen says:

    Excellent article. It totally should have been accepted. And I wholeheartedly agree, the women Tarantino writes are terrifying. Though I do love the empowering feeling Death Proof gives me.

    I think Mr. Jackson could make, literally, a billion dollars by say “No motherfucker, I ain’t no queer.” And not even offend the GLBT community.

  3. You might be getting weirder.

  4. SingingTuna says:

    Compelling argument up there. I can’t imagine why they rejected it didn’t accept it! Unless maybe the factual error? “Reservoir Dogs” did have a female character. Steve Buscemi. He’s “Stephanie Anne” to his besties.

    Ha.

    Seriously though…diversification is great. I hope they shape up and publish your work.

    (btw that’s my first time trying to strike through something using html — if it doesn’t work, I’ll be back)

    • Mooselicker says:

      You struck through it perfectly! Much like I’m sure they struck through my work. They rejected this one in 2 days and the others I’m pretty sure are going through some fact checking process or whatever. They insist they let you know either way on their decision. I’d like a victory later this week!

  5. Pete Howorth says:

    Haha excellent stuff, I can’t believe they rejected this? Mind you I’ve never read the stuff on their site so in comparison it could suck. But I have nothing to judge this against so it remains awesome in my eyes.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Some of the stuff on the site is good but other things are…maybe I shouldn’t say anything negative because of that whole karma thing. I’ll just say some submissions they accept are nothing to write home about.

  6. Caitlin says:

    It’s nice to hear a man admit confidence is sexy, and shitting one’s pants worthy. I’ll never understand that. Us fiery ones are the most fun, in and out of the bedroom! What’s so scary about that, really? :P

  7. josefkul says:

    Hahaha… Uma Thurman really is a badass. She’s pretty tall in real life and if you don’t shit your pants upon merely glancing at her then she probably knows some magic kung fu pressure point to accomplish the task anyways. I suppose if I’m ever constipated I’ll give her a call. Awesome perspective on things! College Humor doesn’t know what it is missing.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Tall women frighten me in all sorts. She never looked tall in Pulp Fiction, then again she also had her shoes off a lot.

      College Humor has really enjoyed rejecting my stuff. I still have hope for two things I submitted and I haven’t heard anything back on yet. It’s been two weeks. Come on!

  8. It’s unfortunate that Tarantino has used Uma Thurman in several roles, it seems that now she’s his idea of a leading lady. She may kick ass, but she’s not the hottest or most womanly broad out there. And personally, I find her sort of homely.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Uma Thurman has always made me think of Charlize Theron if she had some weird nuclear chemicals tossed on her. I thought she was attractive looking in Pulp Fiction but she also looked the least like herself there. I also seem to attract and be attracted to crazy ladies.

  9. This article…I feel like I have read it before? Did you submit it a month or two ago? Or am I going crazy?

    What is this College Humor site? A way to get recognized? Is this something I should look into? Seeing how I have given up my daydream of being Freshly Pressed (Apparently you have to be completely “clean” in your post to be recognized.)

    • Mooselicker says:

      You’re going crazy. Or I’m a complete hack. I hope you’re crazy.

      CollegeHumor is a website which I guess caters toward the sense of humor college kids have. Check it out and try submitting stuff of your own once you get a deeper feel on things they’re looking for. Just remember to thank me when you become famous, although I won’t be surprised if you never do because I’m like King Midas only everything I touch turns to shit. Sorry for any bad luck you have in life. Feel free to blame me.

      • No. It was your Bold Predictions post. You had a little section that declared Tarantino gay. That’s what it was! I may be a bit psycho, but I knew I had read something along the same lines.

        Yeah, I’ll look into that site. If you have been actively trying and not being accepted, I may have the same luck.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Okay say you’re a little crazy and I’m a little hacky. Glad we solved this quick.

        I’ve only submitted 5 things to them. I kind of slacked this week due to illness. 3 things were rejected, 2 I’m still convinced they are working on because it’s been over a week and they haven’t said no yet, and another thing is still pending. It’s worth a shot. Some of their stuff on the site is nothing special.

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