Better Than Bad 3D Movie Adaptations

Are you sick and tired of bad movies? I am. The only thing that can make a bad movie even better is when it is shot in 3D, right? That always makes up for the fact that the plot sucks, the action is lame, and it barely keeps true to the original story it was based on. Even worse, sometimes that original story wasn’t even that good, but they still make us read it in 11th grade then make us watch the bad 1970s film adaptation that has a 34% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Well, I’m sick of it all.

Not only are there many bad movies and books out there in the world, there is such little time to waste on them. Sure you can read Cliff Notes, but that feels like cheating to me. In high school I rarely would ever read any books that were assigned to us all the way through. Still, I somehow managed to graduate easily and I even got pretty good grades. I think the problem is the books they make us read in high school are incredibly outdated and lack the same kind of action that we can see in films we actually choose to see. What would be wrong with allowing students to choose from a list of books to read? Since nobody ever listens to me and my ideas, I decided to do high school students everywhere a favor. I took a classic book and a classic movie then combined the two. The result, The Gimp Gatsby.

Rather than tell you why you should pick up a FREE copy of this book today or during another time when it will be free, I will tell you more why this is a better investment than some of the other similar options out there, like a terrible glorified unnecessarily made film that you may hear about this weekend. Here are ten reasons why you should choose my book over this film.

1) My book is free. This movie will probably cost you around $12 or however much movies are.

2) My book will probably take longer than 2 hours to complete. You can also read it again whereas the movie you will only be able to watch once for the price you pay.

3) You already know the story in the film. Gay guy visits cousin, cousin is cheating on abusive husband with rich guy, cousin hits husband’s mistress with rich guy’s car, mistress’s husband thinks it was rich guy and kills rich guy, nothing else happens.

4) Only probably like three people will get killed in this 3D film which feels like a waste to me. If I made a 3D movie I would have bodies flying at the audience all the way through. Do you know how many people get killed in my book? A lot!

5) I’ll say thank you if you read it and your readership will actually make a difference. Nobody will thank you for seeing this movie and you’re just a number to them, a number based on money more than as an individual.

6) You will learn more about history from my book than you will this film. There are appearances by historical figures like Fatty Arbuckle, Lou Gehrig, Amelia Earhart, and more! You will also learn how the rabies vaccine was created and why The Titanic sunk.

7) Unlike the movie you can see this weekend, the gangsters in my book behave like real gangsters. They say “motherfucker” and they poop.

8) In a way, this saves you a lot of time. Not only do I cover a “Great American Novel” and pretty much summarize all of the important points you would ever need to know about it, I also cover everything you need to know about several of my favorite movies, most notably ones with a sexual submissive gimps in pawnshop basements.

9) Are you too pop-culture slow to not realize this is basically a combination of The Great Gatsby and Pulp Fiction? I really hope someone didn’t just say “Ohhhh!”

10) The 3D movie you can choose to see this weekend may make you want to go back to the 1920s. I’ll do you one better. I’ll make you glad you live in 2013. Time machines don’t exist yet. Any movie that’s best feature is that it makes you wish you lived in another era is not doing its job. This movie glorifies an era that was not very glamorous for many people. Don’t let the Moulin Rouge imagery fool you into wasting your time.

I did a post way back in September called Big Helpers where I needed places to visit in Los Angeles and 1920s things to try including. If anything I think this gives you a good estimation on how many months I went without touching this thing until I finally felt motivated to finish it.

This will probably be the last book I will bother you with for some time. It’s only free for today so pick up a copy. It’ll be free again other days, but I want to try spreading them out as I’m still trying to figure out this whole “becoming a popular author” thing. Is it too late to get Mark David Chapman to carry around a copy and shoot someone?

Poor Financial Investments

Human imposter (that’s what I call actors) Zach Braff (that’s what I call assholes) has turned to Kickstarter to help make a new movie. He has asked fans (even Hitler had supporters) to donate $2,000,000 to help make his film Wish I Was Here, something I would never say when referring to the film premiere of anything Zach Braff is involved with.

 

(A face only a mother could wish to abort)

Kickstarter if you don’t know is where wannabes turn when they want money to make their dreams come true. Usually it’s people who have lots of friends/are Catholics and have large families which is why I would never be able to under any circumstances do my own. I have no friends and as my grandpa used to say, “Pull it out and shoot it on her thigh” so I come from a pretty small family with this sexual advice.

Kickstarter has been pretty good for many people. I don’t have any examples, but some pretty genuine people with crappy ideas have indeed gotten the funds to make their lackluster dreams come true. Hey, it’s America. Everyone has the right to pursue happiness so long as happiness doesn’t come solely from strangling women. A lot of people have been outspoken about how this is a dick move by Braff to ask people for money to help produce a film since he easily has the required funds. I agree with them. At the same point, people have every right to spend money on whatever they want so long as that money isn’t spent on paying someone to strangle a woman.

 

(“Why strangle when you can punch a bitch?” – Chris ‘If You Support My Music You’re An Enabling Douche’ Brown)

I have an idea though. If funds are tight for Zach Braff and he wants to get in real good with the public, why doesn’t he somehow work in helping out others with this project? He can take the money and give out all of his shitty prizes like getting a 10 second recording of Zach Braff saying whatever you want (does he really have a recognizable voice that anyone would care to have this?) or a Zach Braff commemorative 8×10 photograph of him swimming in his royalty checks from Scrubs all he wants. I think if Braff really wants to be a cool guy though he’ll do something better, he’ll give other actors/directors/people who want to get into the industry a chance.

Here’s what Zach should promise. Zach should have a competition. In this competition there are opportunities for however many people he wants at whatever jobs he chooses to either intern or actually do the work. It’s all about to Mr. Braff how this goes down. Having all of these outside folks working on the project will not only give them the opportunity to add something nice to their resume, it will make sure this is indeed a project done by the people. Of course no one will unfortunately have the power to fire Zach Braff then make a better movie, but when you make a deal with the devil not everything will go your way.

 

(This is how Selena Gomez got famous)

I think the best thing any celebrity of any stature could ever do is get the fans involved. Zach Braff may think asking for money from the fans is getting them involved, but it isn’t. It’s like people who think donating to a presidential candidate helps them get elected. Did anyone really vote for Obama because he drank a beer with someone else after he got enough campaign funds to travel to Harrisburg? I hope not. How weak-minded could one person be?

32,376 people have so far donated $2,446,757 for this project. The average comes to around $75.50 which of course is inflated because it appears one jerk-off donated $10,000 to the project. I’m not saying this money could have been better spent elsewhere, but you’re foolish to think this was a good investment.

What awesome thing would you do with $2,446,757 if you could earn that much on Kickstarter?

And because I’m sure you’re in disbelief that anyone would give money to such a thing, here’s the link to his Kickstarter page. Please note, it’s already gone up about $120 since I copied and pasted this into WordPress. Fuck Us All.

Awakenings

I awoke one morning because a faint voice shouted out a mystery word. I’ve been trying to figure out what they meant. The possibilities are so endless. Sometimes the best way to solve the unknown is to share it with others. What could this mystery word possibly mean?

“Harold/Herald!” I hear yelled in an older gentleman’s voice. It was the kind of voice where I knew they had Irish-ties or were Hebrew. A little nasally and obnoxious.

This was the first thing I heard on Easter morning. My ideal first thing to hear on Easter morning would be three women’s voices simultaneously say “So handsome!” “So strong!” “Do you want 500 Cadbury Eggs or 501?”

 

(Is there anything better than a Cadbury Egg? If there is, you’re lying)

The most obvious thing that was being said here was that someone was calling for someone named Harold. They said it twice in the same hideously strained old man’s voice. Harold is a common enough name. Usually people who are given this name at birth go with Harry because they love dirty cop movies and it gives them an excuse not to shave.

Still, I’m not convinced. This was Easter Sunday after-all. “Hark the Herald Angels Sing…” is a popular Christmas tune. I think the title of the song is Jingle Bell Rocks and it does rock. I’m not too familiar with using herald as an adjective. Upon further research, it basically means someone with something important to say. I find this strange because everyone named Harold I have ever met has had nothing valuable to say about anything. They must have been the most poorly named people ever only to exception of some of the Indian women named Priti (pronounced “pretty”) whom I have met.

The word herald is also associated with many newspapers. The Miami Herald is a very popular paper. I don’t know how many people read it. I have a feeling the Miami Herald is usually spread out on a bathroom floor while Cuban drug dealers torture each other. Cubans hate cleaning bathroom floors. It perpetuates a longstanding stereotype they hope to end. I doubt this man was talking about the Miami Herald or any other newspaper for that matter. Although, this was Sunday so maybe he was yelling at his wife to get the Herald so he could look at coupons or crappy comics?

 

(A brief summary of this paper, the economy sucks, Mexicans are helpful, something about tomatoes, and people are bad drivers. I think we need a big war or something. This news is bland)

In New York City there’s Herald Square. It’s pretty small and whenever I have walked past it I always wonder what it is. Now I guess I know because I looked it up. I really hope I was not woken up because a man was yelling about a tiny park. But as neighbors will do, they enjoy yelling about stupid shit.

I don’t know who said, why it was said, or what their purpose was. This simple word will forever be leached into my brain as the word I woke up to on Easter 2013. It’s my Rosebud.

What’s the first thing you would like to hear on Easter morning?

Christians & Homosexuals

I don’t normally blog twice a day anymore, but I had a point I really wanted to make right away.

There are things like this all over Twitter. Here’s the basic idea-
“Tim Tebow has been criticized for his allegiance to God and Christianity, while Jason Collins is praised for coming out as being gay.” Lots of people are confused about this.

Here’s the difference:

When Tim Tebow is on the field, he brings God into. He squats down, prays, and he points up to the sky after each touchdown. In every interview he brings up his religion. If every time Jason Collins scored a basket* or made a rebound he fell to his knees and mimed having sex with a man then it would be the same thing. I doubt at any point during an interview Jason Collins will thank the biker from The Village People then begin singing “Macho Man.” If he does, it is the same thing. Tebow is mocked because he brings it upon himself. He overexposes his lifestyle that has nothing to do with sports. When you do ANYTHING on the field it is open to criticism. Tebow is not mocked for being a Christian. Tebow is mocked for being a showboating over-hyped fullback who somehow tricked us into thinking he was a quarterback.

Caring one bit about what any player does in their personal life is silly because most athletes are jerks. Ray Lewis helped cover up a murder, Michael Vick killed dogs (and only served time for conspiracy, not actual killing), Dany Heatley was given 3 years PROBATION for vehicular homicide when he KILLED a teammate, Mike Tyson was convicted of raping a woman and he gets paid money to make cameos in movies, and of course many more.

If a porn addict spends all of his free time looking at porn a lot of us might think he’s weird, the same way it’s okay for us to think a Christian or a homosexual is weird. But when the porn addict brings that part of his life to his job then he is open to criticism and punishment by his employer which in the case of sports is management and the fans. People have every right to think Jason Collins’s lifestyle is wrong the same way I have every right to think people who waste their lives judging other people for stupid reasons is wrong. Chances are there have been many other professional athletes who were gay over the years. I’m not sure why it matters at all. Once the initial shock wears off then I think people will settle down.

This is a battle between “Christians” and “homosexuals.” I put them in quotes because I hate whenever anyone labels themselves as anything more than who they are above anything else. Why would anyone care what a basketball player they had never heard of until yesterday does with his life? I’d go further, but that’s not the point. The point is there is a difference between Tim Tebow and Jason Collins.

 

*If Jason Collins actually does make a basket (and I don’t mean like crocheting a wicker one since he’s gay and that’s all he’ll do now) I think he has the right to do whatever he wants. He hasn’t averaged more than 3 points per game since the 2005-2006 season. Simply put, he’s no threat to anybody.

25th Hours

Hey white people. There is this director named Spike Lee. He’s that black guy who sits in the front row at Knicks games. He made a movie that came out in 2002 that can actually isn’t too anti-Caucasian. In it is a legendary speech by Edward Norton where he talks about everything he hates. I warn you this speech is not safe for work, unless you work for “Al-Ki-Ehh-Da.” Pay attention and you may get that.

So I thought why not write my own 25th Hour speech? It seems so liberating to get it all out. Just to have the chance to say fuck you to everyone who makes your blood boil sounds beautiful. And here it is, my 25th Hour speech, typed out because it’s tough for me to look at angry as Edward Norton. Imagine me saying this with a strange Edward Norton accent and you’ll appreciate it:

Fuck me? Fuck you. Fuck you and everyone in this god damn world.

Fuck neighbors who think they actually own the property they live in. They throw parties and think just because they pay rent they have the right to be as loud as they want. They spend their days screaming at each other and their nights blasting music and the television. You only can’t hear it now because you spent your entire life doing it. Did you hear me you deaf asshole? Shut the fuck up.

Fuck college kids and their complaints about life. While you were off experimenting for four years, the less fortunate people your age in this world were seeking tenure at their pennies a day jobs. Just because you have a degree does not mean you will get a job so quick you occupying Wall Street shit. You own an iPhone. Maybe money would not be such a concern for you if you didn’t spent half your income on beer and weed every Saturday night before heading off to see some shitty hipster band doing covers of lousy pop music.

Fuck the hipsters. You’re not fooling anyone. Your game of pity will only work so long. You spend more time trying to make yourself look accidentally ugly than you do realizing you’re not so special. You may wake up in the morning thinking you’re different and artistic, but you’re not. You’re a motherfucking following sheep. Glasses may make a person look smart or interesting but the second you open your mouth to speak we’ll all know you’re as shallow as that bowl of low-fat hummus you love to post pictures of on Facebook.

Fuck Facebook. Everyone on it uses it to brag when they actually accomplish shit and when they aren’t doing that it’s always an attempt at sympathy. Your day didn’t go the way you wanted it to? Welcome to something called life. Fuck your memes, your vacation pictures, and your haphazardly put together social agendas. You’re not going to change the world using the same form of social media a pedophile uses to jerk off to pictures of young girls.

Speaking of the pedophiles, fuck these phony religious folk who go around praising “His” name only to go home and molest their children, beat their wives, and do the complete opposite of what their favorite book tells them to. Furthermore, fuck the atheists who think their belief is the right way. You’re just as stubborn as everyone else and more than likely wasting your time as much as the Bible thumpers. Live by example and keep your opinions to yourself.

Fuck millionaire athletes and their giant homes and their model wives. They treat the fans like shit and they have everything. Does modesty mean anything to these guys? Sign an autograph, flash a smile, and hustle. That’s all we ask. And don’t get on Twitter bitching and complaining about anything other than not having enough charities to give your money to.

Fuck the debate on gay marriage, both sides. If all of the money spent on the rallies, posters, and all of the other fundraisers by both groups was used on something else we could have one less problem in the world. While members of the pro-gay marriage camp are arguing with the stick up the ass Conservatives, down the street a kid who will never even grow up to know what gender he wants to fuck is dying of cancer in a hospital bed. Come together, stop your fighting, and concentrate on something more important, life.

Fuck corporate loyalty. You can work at a job forever and put all of your effort in and when you ask for one favor they give you a big fat middle finger. You’re nameless and faceless to them. When you bent over backwards to help out they took it as an invite to fuck you over. At least when the economy is shit we can always hope the CEO solves the problems with a shotgun blast to the head. Put your hands together and pray with me.

Fuck every politician out there from Barack Obama to those dickhole dictators overseas. How could we ever be so stupid and think any of these people give a fuck about us? So fuck us all for rallying behind false hope. And fuck those dictators for being such egomaniacs the only way they can prove they have a big dick is by threatening to kill the defenseless. Just because your dad was an asshole doesn’t mean you have to be you big fat loser.

Fuck the Jersey Shore wannabes who spend more time sculpting their hair and abs than they do sculpting a personality. Fuck reality stars whose only enjoyable quality is they’re willing to get dicked on camera. Fuck Hollywood for recycling ideas and pulling wool over our eyes, making us think for once a movie will be worth the $15 it costs.

Fuck the banks for not being human. Fuck the housing market for not being able to get their shit together. Fuck girls who string along guys only to use them when they need favors without ever having more intent than using him as a ride. And fuck those guys for being such damn pussies they can’t stand up for themselves then whine about nice guys finishing last. Nice guys don’t finish last, bystanders do.

Fuck the American dream. We’re all told growing up that we are equal and we can be whatever we want to be. It’s as true as Santa Claus. Who you know, who you’re willing to fuck, and who you’re willing to fuck over are what matter, nothing else. To get that home with a picket fence and to have a family who actually gives a shit about you, be prepared to hurt others. It is the only way to get what you want.

No. Fuck us all. Fuck us all for putting up with this shit and never doing anything about it.

Well that felt good.

Two Years

I totally forgot, but thanks to WordPress something popped up congratulating me on my two-year anniversary with the site. I’m getting praise for essentially not knowing how to delete this thing. Not that I plan to delete it or anything. I have way too much greatness here.

So what’s there to say? I’m not sure. Here’s a list of ten things about this blog because I feel like I’m cheating you (wasting less of your time) by not doing more.

1) My first blog follower ever was this guy. He still blogs sometimes which is pretty unique. I remember it was September 2011 before I figured out how to navigate WordPress and comment on other blogs. I was sitting in a hotel I wasn’t staying at stealing the Internet when morning when I found his blog and left a comment. It was something about kids get coddled when playing sports.

2) My favorite blog post anyone else has ever done was this one. Has it been six months already? Wow. The post was probably the best thing to happen on my birthday.

3) My most commented blog post that wasn’t Blog Award related or the Opening Credits I have on my home page when I announced the availability of my first ever book. If you remember correctly, I hyped it up for a month leaving clues and making people think I had gone crazy. I had people in real life come up to me asking if I was all right since I had claimed the world would come to an end on August 9th. Although I may not be an award-winning writer, it’s great to know I can actually pull off writing a full novel and people will pay money for it. The next one comes out in like a week and a half and I’m excited for the first person to buy it complaining that they bought the wrong thing.

4) I’ve somehow managed to in two years become friendly with several bloggers. I write a blog with one of them, I almost met one in person, and a third has the distinction of being the only blogger to have seen what my knees look like. I’ll tag the rest of you somewhere else below so quit complaining. This is poetic.

5) I’ve learned what it’s like to be a great mother of a newborn child and how to be a great mother twice with two newborn daughters. All great mothers of course have people they look up to. When in doubt they can always turn here or if that doesn’t work they can go here. Here also knows a lot about the American Revolution so if you need help on that topic like I did, that’s the place.

6) When I first started blogging I thought it was to become famous and successful and rich and powerful and dictatorshipish. I soon came to learn it’s not about that. Blogging is about asking for help with art, it’s about giving and receiving advice on life and realizing others have been through the same as you, and it’s about whatever this guy taught me.

7) I’ve met people who have written their own books like this guy and this guy  and this girl and this girl. There’s an abundance of creativity everywhere here on WordPress. Some people create amazing music.

8) I didn’t want this to be sentimental or anything, but I hate leaving people out and I’m procrastinating on doing something more important than blogging. What’s more important than blogging? Right now it’s writing out a character list for another shitty TV Pilot I’m putting together. Bleh I make myself sick with my “struggling artist” attitude.

9) So what has changed in the last two years? I think I can bench press like 10 pounds more than at the start. That’s something I should be proud of, right? I’ve convinced myself I’m a better and more relatable writer, but who knows? My personal life has changed drastically. For better or for worse, it’s death til us part. I’m still waiting for something really great to happen. I’ll know sometime mid-summer the results of several writing contests I have entered/will be entering. Could it change everything? After all, keeping up with this blog helped me feel motivated in other aspects even when I didn’t feel much like blogging. What the hell am I talking about? And why is there no link in number 9 and there are some everywhere else? This really bugs me.

10) I’m not going to put a link here either so 9 isn’t so alone. I also don’t have anything to say here other than thanks for two years. Whether you come by often, sometimes, or never make your presence known, thank you for existing. Now to head out to the store and grab some Tampax because I seem to need them.

(This looks exactly like the box to my Britta water filters. I guarantee someone has made that mistake)

History Teachers

One of the few subjects I didn’t mind in school was history. History is fun to learn about because it’s 25% Nazis, 25% Aliens, 25% Bible/Vikings, 25% Ice Road Truckers. I had some lousy history teachers though and it kind of ruined what could have been an enjoyable learning experience.

I’ll start with the dumbest thing anyone told me. My 8th grade history teacher was a crazy woman named Mrs. Chernoski whom I have mentioned before at some point I’m sure. She would dress up in character and do dumb voices then try to be relatable. I never bought into her bullshit. She tried getting me to fill up her vase with water once while I was doing homework during study hall. I told her no and we argued. I absolutely hate flowers. I would do anything to make sure they died of dehydration. I would have done the same for Mrs. Chernoski. She was annoying and still to this day when I see a child crying I know she is somehow responsible.

(Chernoski was here)

The fact Chernoski told me that was untrue was that Abraham Lincoln was shot at Ford’s Theater located in Pennsylvania. I’m not sure if she was becoming senile or she really thought this was true. The whole class thought it was true. Then we brought it up on a field trip and Mrs. Chernoski was killed by firing squad for being a lousy human being. Or so I wish.

https://maps.google.com/maps?q=ford’s+theater&rlz=1C1AVSX_enUS418US418&aq=f&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&sa=N&tab=wl

(In case you are interested in where Ford’s Theater is and are too lazy to look it up)

Another strange thing a history teacher told the class happened a year after the Anthrax mailings that occurred post-9/11. The post office they were mailed from was our town’s local post office so it was a trendy thing to talk about. He told us he had a former student whose dad worked for the FBI, not the Federal Booty Inspection. He told her classified information. Daddy told daughter that the government found the Anthrax mailer and he was locked up. He was a scientist from Maryland who drove up to New Jersey to mail his weapon. I don’t know how much of this is true. The same teacher also spent an entire week talking about how cool Rasputin was. It was the story that got him into history. It was also the story he told us that I think ended up getting him fired before Christmas.

(I don’t get why everyone freaked. Mailing someone a thrash metal band doesn’t seem like a big deal to me)

I had another history teacher who was intelligent enough other than for the fact he told the class he voted for Condoleeza Rice. Could there be anyone in the world who would have been less qualified to be president? Even Osama Bin Laden seems like a guy who could get the job done better. Well, not now. He’s in Davey Jones’s locker. Did I really just use the phrase “Davey Jones’s locker” and use it properly? I have never felt cooler.

Finally the original inspiration for this piece and inspired by a WordPress conversation, the worst thing a history teacher has ever told me.

It was sometime in elementary school when this happened. I don’t remember which teacher it was, but I know it happened. A teacher very nonchalantly told the class that Asian people have small eyes because many centuries ago when humans were nomadic that they had to travel through the deserts in Asia and sand blew up into their eyes. They had to squint to protect themselves from the sand and evolution happened. This is similar to how in kindergarten my teacher told us that Q’s are O’s who would stick their tongues out at others and they did it so much it got stuck that way.

Curious for the right answer I found this the real reason why Asians appear to have smaller eyes. “For the sake of answering, we will skip the fact that the illusion of “smaller” eyes largely applies to just EAST Asians, and not the many other peoples such as Iranians, Indians, Arabs, etc. East Asians don’t really have “tiny” eyes; it is really the same size as non-East Asians. They simply have a patch of extra skin (called an epithelial fold) above their eyes, because that sort of thing combats the extreme cold and fierce winds of Tibet, where the ancestors of East Asians lived for many tens of thousands of years before migrating down into warmer places. Since the epithelial fold is a part of their DNA, it stayed, even though the need for it no longer exists for all Asians but the Tibetans.” – Wiki Answers

I really wish I knew which teacher this was because I would love to get in touch and ask her why black people are so dark, why Mongolians look so retarded, and why Japanese vaginas are so crooked. And when I say crooked I don’t mean like a vagina who takes bribes from criminals to look the other way. Although, she might think they do that too.

(They should really make a sequel to Serpico where he tries to take down a dirty crooked vagina. Or don’t. That’s just silly)

What’s a lie/something stupid a teacher has told you?