It has been a full month since I last blogged here. A lot has changed in that time. I’ve become a Born-Again Christian, sinned on my first day so I gave up and went back to a life of wickedness, ate some food (to survive), bought a new pair of shoes, ate some food (for pleasure), and slept once.
I could go into more serious detail on what I have been up to although my interests lie elsewhere at the moment. Instead I’m going to slowly and painfully re-post old articles I wrote for Yahoo Voices over the last year. This first one is about ten things I wish I had done in high school.
Ten Things I Wish I Did in High School
Life is full of regrets. One period of my life I regret a lot are the four years I spent in high school. There were so many things I wish I had done and never did. Here are 10 of them.
1) Throw a Big Party: It is the dream of every high school kid to be popular and well-liked. I consider being popular and well-liked two different things because they are. My parents never let us have friends over due to the fact we lived in a very messy house. I should have taken advantage of having a messy house. When my parents were away, my mother in the hospital for depression and my father away doing things I am afraid to realistically confront without a therapist nearby, I could have had the entire school over and not had to worry about cleaning up the mess. I am a terrible person for not realizing this until now.
2) Ask a Popular Girl on a Date: There were more dates in my date and raisin oatmeal I had for breakfast this morning than ones I went on in high school. At the time I always thought the girls were cruel. Now I know the girls were probably too intimidated by my awkward silence and excessive weight. My facial eczema made them think I was already taken. I probably could have gotten a pity date at one point if I bothered to try. I was a really nice kid and they all knew I would have done their homework for a year if they went to the movies with me once.
3) Join a Sport Squadron: In middle school intramurals I was a beast when it came to flag football. In high school they stopped using flags and instead started using steroid filled shoulders to stop a running back. I was on the high school football team for approximately two practices before I realized I was going to die of an asthma attack before the homecoming game. The cruel part of high school sports is not everybody can make every team. For sure I could have been decent at football and the wrestling team was always looking for fat kids to fight fat kids from other schools. Who knows how much different my life could have been if I had a suffered a spinal cord injury during my teenage years? I might have more character.
4) Start a Food Fight: I may respect food too much to ever throw any at another person. I try not to waste food. When a waitress at a restaurant brings bread over, I make sure I eat every piece. A school food fight though could have been epic. To shout those famous words “Food Fight!” then be the first one to fire off a cardboard pizza at a classmate would have made my every tear I have shed in my life worth it.
5) Beat Up a Bully: I stood up to enough bullies and threatened one, but I never gave one a good pounding. There were few fights in my high school career between anyone at all. I think by that point kids settled their differences by saying insulting things on MySpace instead of with their fists. What happened to us?
6) Flirt With a Teacher: There are always films or moments on television shows where a cute new teacher shows up and romance becomes a possibility. I’m not saying all of my female teachers were extras on The Walking Dead. All I am saying is that none were worthy of a plot point where she has to eventually sit me down and tell me that our age difference is too much and she would lose her job. Why can’t life be more like television? I want a sexy chemistry teacher to ask me to stay after class to help balance equations.
7) Get Carried on People’s Shoulders: Whether it comes after winning the big game or because my performance in the Battle of the Bands was so tremendous that people wanted me on top of them, getting carried on people’s shoulders is something I really missed out on. In fact, I don’t remember seeing any kid in my school ever get rewarded with this. The administration frowned upon any form of public affection. Their plan worked out and now everyone I went to school with is a cold human being, fearful of being touched by others.
8) Discover Something Unique About Myself: The only thing unique I discovered about myself was that I could eat pizza for breakfast every day for a year and not put on weight. I would have rather discovered that I was Superman or could stop time. Most of my high school lessons involved making me more pessimistic. All of the studying, hours of doing homework, and working hard on essays only got me into a community college. Go figure. Money means everything.
9) Have a Fun Nickname: I had plenty of nicknames in high school. None of them would be appropriate to repeat in front of a vulgar sailor because they were so mean. Let’s move on before I start crying.
10) Win: It doesn’t matter what it is. High school for me was spent losing a lot. I was basically the school’s 1962 New York Mets. So much of high school is about winning, and I just didn’t do it. I never won the girl. I never won in sports. I never won when my final average was a 79 percent where the teacher should have totally rounded up and given me the B, but he didn’t because he was a spiteful man with a lazy eye. When high school finally ended for me, it was like a dying light bulb. There was a flicker then it was over. There was no walking off into the sunset knowing I had been accepted into my dream school or anything triumphant like that. High school ended and with it went my chances at being a high school legend. Well, I guess I did win. I got out.
(I also regret not going to this high school where random fat black guys can sit next to the popular girls while drinking their orange sodas and not be asked to move)