Here’s a conversation that has never happened.

“[insert something bad that has happened] to me.” – Person 1

“I’m so sorry to hear! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.” – Person 2

“Thank you. I appreciate it. However, it would be far more helpful for you to do something.” – Person 1

Pause.

“No thank you. I am more comfortable thinking about your problem. To further help, before bed I will get on my knees, place my hands together, and ask someone else to offer their services to you.” – Person 2

“Okay. Thank you for doing the minimal.” – Person 1

TWO DAYS LATER

“Are things any better?” – Person 2

“Yes they are. I figured it out.” – Person 1

“It’s because I thought about your problem. It’s also because I got on my knees, placed my hands together, and asked someone else to offer their services to you.” – Person 2

“No.” – Person 1

I hate when people offer me their thoughts and prayers; although they rarely do. If people really were keeping people in their thoughts they would be immobile. If ever happen to pray for me I would like to know the exact words you use–just for curiosity’s sake. Never keep me in your thoughts or prayers if death is involved. That’s weird. I will then become “that person with a dead person they knew” if you have me in your thoughts and your prayers will have something to do with a zombie. Or maybe a vampire. According to True Blood lore, if someone dies you can bury them with a vampire and they will become a vampire’s slave. And that television program knows a lot of shit about logic.

tonydanza(“Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers.” – Tony Danza lending a helping hand)

According to sources, today is the Big Game. I cannot say the more commonly used word for the Big Game as I was sued in 1997 for doing it. Ever since not being able to pay and having my legs broke, I have been very careful not to make the same mistake again.

I have little experience in watching the Big Game. Only in 2008 when the New York Giants defeated the New England Patriots have I ever watched a game all the way through. It was the lone Big Game Party I was ever invited to. I think I ate some chicken. There was a kid that looked like Zac Efron there. I ate some hot sauce too and didn’t spill any.

zac-efron(Speaking of hot sauce, where’s this kid’s belt???)

I remember watching a little bit of a Big Game many years ago. I did not understand the sport. It was at that moment I realized I might be a woman. Not that all women are incapable of understanding sports. I just think there are a lot out there who do not. When you call them the Cincinnati Bangles every time your team plays them your interests are better suited for 1980s pop music.

The+Bangles+-+Hazy+Shade+Of+Winter+-+5-+CD+SINGLE-51059(Good move adding “Includes: Walk Like an Egyptian” because nobody would buy it otherwise)

The last few years I was usually doing something else on Big Game Sunday. Since I haven’t had cable in a while my viewership has been limited to the radio broadcast. I use theater of the mind in order to have something to talk about with others the following day.

Last year I listened to the game on the radio. I lied to a couple of people the next day and said I was at a Big Game Party because saying I sat around at home listening to the game on the radio because I do not have cable because I find it unnecessary and distracting while doing pushups every 10 minutes to better increase my desirableness to the opposite sex and only a few members of the same sex would have taken a long time.

the-ideal-male-body-weight-chart-attractiveness-2(I don’t match any of these! Darn media and their portrayal of the human body!)

I will probably have to lie about watching the Big Game again this year because I work with mostly men who think they know sports. One said Pete Rose is the all-time hits leader with 3,000 of them. Another said the Detroit Red Wings are the second best team in the NHL this season. My apologies to 1jaded1 of Stuphblog for bringing this up.

Come Monday I will probably try to finagle my way through a conversation, pretending as if I actually watched the Big Game. Again, this is easier than the long explanation. Considering the one guy said “What am I supposed to do with my W-2 Form?” we can assume he never worries about money. His father is also a New York stockbroker so he hasn’t had a hard day in his life.

Enjoy the Big Game everyone. Or don’t. Doesn’t matter to me.

Joey from Friends is on a show called Episodes. I have not watched it because I think the way Hollywood parades that mongoloid around in the public spotlight is heinous. Let the poor guy live a life as normal as he can!!!

matt-leblanc(Joey actually lasted 46 episodes which means there probably is no God)

I do not want to talk about his television show. I want to talk about other television shows. In particular my favorites from classic shows. These are inspired and include a few statuses I made on Facebook along with some originals.

My favorite episode of Magnum P.I. is when Magnum shaves his mustache for the summer. Everyone makes fun of him and he grows it back. Everyone else in the office tell him it was a good decision.

My favorite episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is the one where the LA Riots spill into Bel-Air and the Banks Family is held hostage for being, as the lead rioter calls them, “Uncle Toms.” Carlton did a lot of dancing in that episode and I like his dancing!

My favorite episode of The Walking Dead is the one where Carl has really bad diarrhea and they have to go out to find diarrhea medicine for him. On their way they have to kill one zombie and there isn’t much action, except in the prison toilet where Carl is bringing upon his own Apocalypse.

My favorite episode of Cheers is the one where the bar is closed for repairs and everyone stays at home watching television.

My favorite episode of Scooby-Doo Where Are You? is when they were going over their plan to trap a zombie pirate and Scooby Doo squatted down to take a big poop and it was really embarrassing for everyone and they made Shaggy pick it up.

My favorite episode Home Improvement is the one where Wilson tells the Taylor Family that the bottom of his face is missing. They don’t believe him and it turns out to not be true; he just has really bad anxiety. Tim uses money he made from Tool Time to send Wilson for counseling. Wilson ends up getting raped in the hospital by Brad because he’s rebellious.

My favorite episode of Everybody Loves Raymond is the one where the older brother hits his head on an airplane ceiling and then dies a few hours later. There was a lot of Billy Mays satire and I found it very timely.

My favorite episode of Parks and Recreation is the one where Leslie Knope realizes she met Ben too late in life and at over 40-years-old she can probably never have a family with him unless they adopt, but they can’t do it because Jerry screws up the paperwork. I liked that one.

My favorite episode of Lost is the flashback of Hurley. We find out that his weight is the reason why the plane crashed at the end which came as a huge shock to me. I was totally not expected them to go in that direction.

My favorite episode of Dexter is the one where he asks his sister for a half-day. Instead of going out to solve a murder though, Dexter catches up on some sleep.

My favorite episode of Seinfeld is the one where Dr. Timothy Whatley played by Bryan Cranston converts to Islam so he doesn’t have to have a sense of humor anymore. The B-story with Kramer on the double-date with the giant was good too.

My favorite episode of The Wire is when everyone has to stay late to finish up paperwork. This was sadly a real episode, but not my favorite.

Anyone else have a favorite episode?

I don’t feel bad for very many people. In fact there is only one person in the world right now I feel bad for. I saw him a few minutes ago.

This man is anywhere from 60 to 4,893,081-years-old. Chances are he is closer to the lower end. He is a pizza delivery guy that works at the Dominoes down the street from me. Or is it Dominos. I think it’s the second one. Dominoes would be what we would call if the Keira Knightley character Domino was cloned. And if she were to be cloned she would get played with by Puerto Rican men all day long.

keira_knightley(This woman’s body and acting ability is so flat I think she is a domino)

I feel bad for this ancient pizza delivery man because he looks miserable. This isn’t some job he has to get out and meet people. He’s busting his ass delivering food to teenagers too high on the marijuana to safely cook something themselves. They probably tip him bad. I think we have all been around friends who insist on not tipping. The odd thing is most people that are bad tippers have shitty jobs their entire lives so it comes back to haunt them like my grandfather does me.

I cry pepperoni tears for this man. The weather right now is really cold and his born in the 1940s bones are probably aching. Just because this man probably committed some awful war atrocities in Southeast Asia does not mean he should have to live out the end of his life  suffering with a job he clearly hates. It’s not his fault his hands and face are too gross to actually touch the pizza. We should blame God for that.

godfrey(Or we can just blame comedian Godfrey. I mean, he’s black and has hair different from me)

Sadly the only thing I can do to help him is pray for his death. Maybe in an attempt to get the pizza somewhere in 30 minutes or less he will get hit by a tractor-trailer and crushed between two large sheets of steel. I imagine the joy on his face when the police show up and admit to him that once the truck and his delivery car are separated, his guts will spill out from his waist and kill him. This is the best option for this poor old man.

I have nude photographs of myself. I have nude photographs of other people. Sometimes I know the people and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes they know me and sometimes they don’t because I drop it in their shopping cart then quickly run out of Shop Rite. What matters most is that people have seen me naked and I have seen them too.

The number of people who have seen me naked is pretty limited. The last one was a bug-eyed man taking a pee break next to me. I guess that doesn’t qualify as naked though, does it? Nudity is more than your genitals. Nudity also involves your shoulder, although in this instance I was dressed like Olivia Newton John with my shoulder strap down slightly.

physical1(So maybe her shoulder straps weren’t pulled down after all. I just can’t get over all of the fat men in diapers)

I am picky about who gets to see me naked. Not just any stranger gets the reward. Say for instance I want to go streaking. I will scream at people I do not want to see me naked to “turn around you’re making me uncomfortable, kid!”

I have seen other people naked too. I don’t like seeing boys naked. It’s like looking into a mirror or a paralel universe where I’m black and thicker in certain areas. Penises are great in their own right; capable of doing the job while still being as goofy as a Great Dane and coming in all shapes and sizes. Vaginas are more like Chinese people, all looking the same. I think I made that observation before because it sounds very familiar. Or maybe I have been horny and racist for longer than I thought.

As I type this I am not however horny. I am not naked either. I have a hat on I am unexposed. If someone where to walk in on me right now I would be like “Hey look I’m totally comfortable because only my hands and face are exposed, this isn’t enough nudity for me to feel insecure about although I do have dry skin on my face and hands so this is still not fun.” I would probably not say all of that, instead opting to just gasp then maybe take off my pants to scare them away.

kenny(This is how I look every day when I leave the house for my walk to work and then all day when I’m at work because there is no heat and my office is in a windowless closet. I made it!)

Nude photographs are a good present to give people even if they didn’t ask for it. The same way a cat will poop in your mouth while you are sleeping to let you know they love you, giving someone a nude photograph of yourself is a kind gesture. They don’t have to be fully nude either. My annual Christmas cards I mail out all have a stocking over my junk with the capture “Well, my stocking is stuffed!” In previous years I wore a Santa hat but this year I could not find it.

How many nude photographs of yourself do you own? How many of other people? Want to trade?

Oh and so I’m not disappointing you, here is a censored nude photograph of myself.

black-screen

My dad used to drive a Ford Escort. After that he drove my mother to insanity. Now he drives around in circles whenever he comes to visit me because in 60 years he never learned to parallel park. He’s also probably reading this right now at 2 in the morning with something sugary in his hand.

TastykakeShelves(My dad’s murderers)

Fortunately for him I am not about to divulge his deepest, darkest, strangest secrets. What I really want to talk about are another kind of escorts, the kind you find on the Internet or in newspaper advertisements; the kind you hope don’t have testicles.

I am not sure how many men use escort services. What I do know is that many do. Often times late in the day my coworkers will sit around looking up different women on an escort service website. Look at me, making this whores sound refined. And look at me again, making it seem as if my coworkers don’t do it in the morning and all day long. Now I am in charge of collecting their phones from them because my job is to basically be the bad guy. I enjoy being the bad guy. They usually go into Wrestlemania as the champion.

WM18-TripleH2(Or if you’re Triple H you go into Wrestlemania as champion, leave as champion, gain another championship, and bang the boss’s daughter)

Have I ever gotten an escort? Nope. Have I thought about it? Of course I have. I also spend most of my time on public transit thinking awful thoughts, half fantasy and half to see if I will cross minds with a mind-reader, which I never have.

It strikes me as odd that males my age who insist they get “mad tail” would need to pay money to get “costly probably infected tail.” It strikes me even odder how much guys try to impress each other with machoism when it really just comes off more like they want to fuck each other. I have it in good faith that at least one of my coworkers writes fan fiction about us all getting it on.

(Seriously, watch this video)

I don’t think I would ever get an escort. I enjoy cuddling. I enjoy eating junk food and watching movies. Yes I enjoy other things you can do with a woman or a small man in a wig from behind. I am human after all. Escorts, or “goddamned dirty shameful sluts” as their jealous daddies call them, are not something I have near the top of my list of needed experiences. It’s too risky and there’s nothing a woman can do for me that a hole in a teddy bear cannot.

Old people call their underwear their “unmentionables.” I am not old. I call my underwear “transportable shit rags” because that’s the basic purpose of them.

underwear-filter-fart-640x416(This is how actors prepare for roles that require bad teeth)

I am not posting this brief work of art however to talk about underpants. Instead it’s just a little post about what you can expect from this blog in the future. I don’t say this to make you eager. I don’t mention this to get you excited. I’m only making this declaration mostly for myself. I would like to be able to post a little more frequently on this blog, even if the posts are not as long as they used to be. In fact that would be better. If I write two paragraphs than everyone would read 50%.

As I approach the 600 Blog Post Club, a number that has a big fat asterisks because I made one post private when I wanted to post it somewhere else and never bothered to really fix it so I could never really determine an official number, I would like to get it over with sooner rather than later. My goal would be by the end of February and about a little over 15 away (nobody has ever said “a little over 15″ in their life except when giving a guilty verdict) this is absolutely doable.

DAKOTA FANNING at Now is Good Premiere(Do you know what else is doable? Dakota Fanning! She is more than a little over 15 at 19 years old. Have at it Seinfeld!)

Since most of my blog posts I already have written are nothing too exciting, I want to make the majority of them about my unmentionables; things I would not normally blog about. They may range everything from the inappropriate to secrets I never shared with others. I’ll also probably toss in other garbage too you don’t care about. Of course they will still come through in the same familiar voice I have always delivered full of typos and ill-thought ideas. I am far too uninterested in making sure everything on a blog reads well. I have other things to do like overeat and hate myself immediately after.

My primary reason for trying to expand into writing about things I normally would not is to knock down what little wall I keep up. I would like to build up more of an ability to be incredibly open, honest, and detailed while not offending others involved too much. Basically I just want to say mean shit about people who said mean shit about me and not feel bad about it because deep down inside I really do feel bad whenever I make people upset.