Resume

I’ve been reading a couple of blogs on this website trying to steal ideas. One thing I noticed is that several people have a page where they post their resume. I thought I should do the same.

Resumes are a list of achievements that are made to brag to potential employers. That’s roughly what resume translates to from it’s native Austrian root. Here is my list of bragging statements.

Awards

-2 Time Little League Baseball Champion

-2 Time Little League Baseball Most Improved Player Award Winner

-1 Time Little League Baseball, Fall Ball, Participation Award Winner

-Honor Roll 8 Straight Years Starting in Kindergarten

-1 Time 3rd Grade Recess Soccer MVP (Goaltending)

-1 Time 8th Grade Intramurals Defensive MVP (League Leader in Sacks)

-1 Time Bernie Award Winner for Best Screenplay in a Class of 20

-1 Time Craption Award Winner, Cracked.com

-Multiple Chinese Auction Winner

-Multiple Lottery Ticket Winner

-154 Time Winner of an iPod (Various Websites)

-4 Time Minesweeper Expert Level Winner

-6 Time Spider Solitaire Intermediate Level Winner

-5 Years of Service Award from my work

-3 Time Mortal Kombat Winner (Twice as Sonja Blade, a chick)

-1 Time 8th Grade Woodshop/Metal Shop “Great Effort” Award Winner

-4 Time Versatile Blogger Award Winner

-3 Time Liebster Award Winner

Special Skills

-Once Knew All 50 State Capitals

-Once Bench Pressed 170 Pounds (*Note: It didn’t make it down, I just held it up, but that’s the hard part anyway)

-Can Name How Every Terrorist in Die Hard was Killed

-Once Memorized an Entire Episode of “The Simpsons” Word for Word

-Can Eat A Lot

-Good Sense of Direction

-Can Save Excel Documents Under Pressure

-Once Turned an Unassisted Triple Play in 8th Grade Gym Class

-3 Years of High School Spanish (*Note: Haven’t had much use, but I retain knowledge well)

-Can Do Mental Math

-Familiar With Screenplay Formatting and Fonts

-Can Read Non-Digital Clocks Quickly

Previous Jobs

-Dog Walker

-House Sitter

-Good Listener

-Friend

-Brownie Taster

-Ebay Action Figure Salesperson

What I Have To Offer The Company:

Good values, a quirky wit, spontaneous hours, a good work ethic, strong legs, robot like ability to subdue all emotions, bad handwriting, fast typing, ability to lift average to below average boxes, and a submission attitude toward my work.

Closing Argument:

If I seem like someone that you would like to hire for your company, contact me. You probably will not regret it.

Comments
  1. E. He says:

    Minesweeper expert is REALLY hard!! Congrats!

    • mooselicker says:

      Thanks! It’s scary because once you get really into Minesweeper, you start to see numbers out in plain sight away from the computer screen. Kind of trippy.

      • thecurrentposter says:

        Happens all the time, I’m glad that it’s not just me! And then there’s this terrible smiley face staring me down all the time. I just discovered your blog and LOVE it by the way.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Thank you :)

        Some of the greatest discoveries ever take a while. Nobody discovered airplanes until about 100 years ago. How did we get places before that, hmmm? I shouldn’t quiz you. That’s very unwelcoming.

      • thecurrentposter says:

        Consider yourself ‘followed’.

  2. jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown says:

    That’s an impressive list. I’ve gotten “Most Improved Runner Up” for swimming. Just let that one sink in for a minute.

  3. http://www.smithsonianmag.com/contact-us/humour-guidelines.html
    Hey, check this site out, apparently they pay good money for well written and funny articles. You should definitely submit this resume to them!

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    The expert level winner at minesweep was a win for me, some would say that’s the greatest achievement anyone could accomplish.

  5. eva626 says:

    brownie tastier!? did you work for your mom? lol

  6. jimmiesworld says:

    Impressive. But not nearly as impressive as mine: Grand champion chicken raiser in the 4-H fair in rural Tennessee. I have the trophy and everything. It’s a giant chicken with a purple ribbon on it. I know, right? So jealous . . . .

  7. Emily He says:

    I nominated you for the Liebster and versatile blogger awards! I hope you don’t have more than 200 followers (I mean, I do, I wish you all the best, obviously, but then I messed up on the liebster award.. argh rules shmules)!

  8. Adair says:

    I don’t have a job for you, but, I’m interested in a slightly uses iPod.

    • mooselicker says:

      Wow 3 people said that in this week. I actually have two and unfortunately someone is buying it off of me for $80 and I was already going to give that one to my dad so now I’m giving him the slightly used one. There’s probably too much Guns N Roses on there anyway that you’d become an alcoholic owning it.

  9. Sasha says:

    “Spontaneous hours” – employers love that s***. You’re in there like swimwear!

  10. ‘Can eat a lot’ – personal favorite :D

  11. Hey Tim, you just had a 5th VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD ( you can’t have too many of that award, right? lol). :D You can check it out in
    http://happinessisnotadisease.wordpress.com/2012/05/05/is-this-an-error/
    but pfft, you’re probably too used with that. :p

  12. Oh, this resume is fantastic! I’m sure people are clamoring for you between your brownie-eating, your Die Hard trivia, and your bad handwriting. Actually, any chance you’re also good with flowers or small children?

  13. neonspndx says:

    As soon as I read “robot like ability to subdue all emotions” I was sold. I was almost sold with “can eat a lot” (important skill) and “2 Time Little League Baseball Champion” (builds character). As someone who slaves in the corporate world, bringing anyone onto the team that can robotically complete work and cause no drama or show little emotion is a plus! You’re hired.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m really hoping my inability to feel feelings really helps disguise myself during any potential machine/zombie uprising. How much does the job you’re hiring me for pay? And is it in cash because I also accept payment in historic relics.

  14. reneetamara says:

    I really admire people with a good sense of direction.

  15. tinkadele says:

    “Can Name How Every Terrorist in Die Hard was Killed” – If you have that on your resume, you really don’t need anything else!

    • Mooselicker says:

      See, that’s what I was telling the guys at Apple Inc. They said I need to understand “technology” and have innovative “ideas.” Pfff. Do they know that Marco is the one who gets thrown out the window after being shot from under a table? Hells no.

  16. Laura4NYC says:

    You have a great sense of humor for living in New Jersey! :-)

  17. josefkul says:

    I just nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. You can access the post discussing this here http://kulworlddailydrivel.com/2013/02/12/very-inspiring-blogger-award-and-new-super-epic-project/

  18. Mooselicker, not being able to comment on your Nickelback post is driving me nuts. I contemplated growing out a Chad Kroeger soul patch and oiling it every morning with the chlamydia-tainted bleach residue from Miley Cyrus’s Mad Max haircut, just to spite your non comments. But you’re blog is like the fourth that has made me laugh so far, after reading at least 17,000, times pi. But check out my stories if you’d like, I’m on the long and ego-shattering writer-hobbit journey of being a professional writer, and it’s nice to find fellow humanity mockers, haters, and mocker-haters.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Why couldn’t you comment on it? Hmm that’s a shame.

      But thanks for the compliments. Or was it more an insult at the rest of the world? I’ll be sure to check you out and no not in that way….but maybe. My standards waiver.

  19. Trent Lewin says:

    Holy – what a blog.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s