Posts Tagged ‘2013’

Out of being a dick and sheer uncreativity, I stole this survey from Lily and decided to fill it out myself.

  • 1:What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before? Said “thank you.”
  • 2:Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No. I traded it for a Pete Rose rookie card only to realize it was Pete Rose Jr. I got. Read the fine print people!
  • 3:Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes. There’s a pregnant woman lying a few feet away from me giving birth right now and pleading for my help. I’m only on #3 though.
  • 4:Did anyone close to you die? The pregnant woman I was too busy to help :(
  • 5:What countries did you visit? Someone accidentally gave me a Canadian quarter so that sort of counts.
  • 6:What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? Friendship. Love. Less farts.
  • 7:What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? The really big one I found in my date and raisin oatmeal. I posted it on Twitter and got a retweet it was so ginormous.
  • 8:What was your biggest achievement of the year? Rescuing a baby from oncoming traffic.
  • 9:What was your biggest failure? Being the one who threw the baby into traffic during a temper tantrum.
  • 10:Did you suffer illness or injury? The baby’s dad beat me up pretty bad.
  • 11:What was the best thing you bought? Financial security by not buying anything I didn’t really need. Oh and a pair of large novelty sunglasses.
  • 12:Whose behavior merited celebration? Whoever sold that dead guy from Glee the drugs. One at a time…
  • 13:Whose behavior made you appalled? Mine for insulting poor dead celebrities for throwing away their talents and then overdosing on drugs despite having the potential do something good for the world.
  • 14:Where did most of your money go? To fund terrorism.
  • 15:What did you get really, really, really excited about? Death’s cold breath which creeps up on the back of our neck’s each year.
  • 16:What song will always remind you of 2013? “2013” by Bowling for Soup. They’ve pretty much filled the market for songs about every year.
  • 17:Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer? Emotionless, skinny-fat, on a bartering system.
  • 18:What do you wish you’d done more of? Sexual reassignment therapy.
  • 19:What do you wish you’d done less of? Stealing coworker’s lunches and then blaming it on the fat girl who blamed and forced to quit.
  • 20:How did you spend Christmas? I had 4 Christmases like that Vince Vaughn movie. Mine weren’t as much fun. 3 were spent crying.
  • 21:Did you fall in love in 2013? Cannot compute.
  • 22:What was your favorite TV program? Anything with Victoria Justice. So Victorious. That’s the only thing she’s on…
  • 23:Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes. I met a few new people this year.
  • 24:What was the best book you read? How to Live with a Micropenis by (insert your name here)
  • 25:What was your greatest musical discovery? Uncle Kracker
  • 26:What did you want and get? A terminal illness.
  • 27:What did you want and not get? The fame and popular that comes with having a terminal illness. I just feel weak!
  • 28:What was your favorite film of this year? I only saw one movie that came out this year so by process of elimination it has to be He’s Way More Famous Than You.
  • 29:What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Mango float.
  • 30:How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013? Trying not to look fat, trying not to have stains, sexually confused metrosexual lumberjack.
  • 31:What kept you sane? 12 doses of “forget it all” pills.
  • 32:Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? The cat from the Fancy Feast commercials. I mean, who’s fancier?
  • 33:What political issue stirred you the most? When Obama wanted to eat all of the white people.
  • 34:Who did you miss? If I say it out loud then they might come back and that’s not good.
  • 35:Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013. You can get pregnant if you do it standing up in a pool, so convince her to open up the butt.
  • 36:Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. “Her placenta falls to the floor.” – Live, Lightning Crashes

Unsuccess is not a word. I chose it though because using failure is demeaning and too accurate to my 2013 year. You can’t spell the made up word unsuccess without success. It’s being a little more positive. For instance, I believe the glass is always half empty. The glass is half empty because it started out that way and the end result is an empty glass always. Glass half full means more will be added and even if this were the case eventually the glass would overflow with root beer and that’s the semen of colas. I think it’s because how sticky it is.

root beer(Not sure how a liquid qualifies as food. Oh wait, it’s American. That’s why)

Anyway, I want to do a brief review of everything I have unsuccessed at this past year. Yes, I know I should probably say “been unsuccessful at” but I’ve already explained, there’s nothing full or ful about bad news.

Writing Failures:

I entered a lot of contests this year. It’s odd too because New Year’s Eve I got my first professional review and it was pretty good. I thought this was the year my dreams would come true. Not so fast. I’m a white male living in the worst time period to be a white male. I didn’t bother entering another contest because they look for diverse people and last year I lied and said I was Jewish and had a speech impediment to sound diverse. I had two scripts entered into one contest, neither of which received any awards despite one being absolutely terrific. I failed again with another script for the third year in a row in this contest. I’ve submitted something different every year too. I also stayed within the required page range. What am I doing wrong? And this is the same network that brought us The New Girl I’m entering to.

ng_30_bath_group_1_2813_R2.jpg(Their living situation is complicated and they are diverse. So funny)

Other Creative Failures:

Remember when I thought for sure I would be on the radio? Yeah that was silly of me. I’m not sure the guy who won actually got anything out of it. He was probably like me and lied about where he lived and they found out. The worst thing was I failed twice at this. It sucks to fail once. Failing twice is even harder. I can’t even give the “this has never happened before” excuse because it has happened, and twice right there in front of everybody. That really broke my heart because I thought I put on a bigger effort than some of the other douches. And yes they are douches, mostly because they got something I did not.

tim and carter final image(July-Good luck everyone! December-Fuck you all)

Girl Failures:

How quiickly can I sum up my failures with the 3 billion of these things on the planet? The first one I remember failing with was because she took my joke that we should get married too serious I suppose and stopped talking. Another one accused me of biting her, which was total bullshit because she said she would have sex with me if she didn’t like me. What’s a boy to think? The biggest failure was the one who I liked so much I made her last name a password of mine. We got along great and then suddenly she began ignoring me until finally she deleted me from Facebook. So basically I can never say I hope another human being doesn’t get cancer.

Hitler in Paris(The last girl was a big Francophile so I’m dedicating this picture to her)

Other Writing Failures:

Before I discovered Yahoo, oh wonderful Yahoo and your willingness to accept anything, I tried submitting to College Humor and another website, McSweeney’s or something like that. I don’t know. Nobody reads it. Everything I submitted to both websites were rejected. I submitted a lot too. A daily routine of mine was writing as much for them all morning long until my afternoon jazzercise program. Eventually I gave up because as you can see above, I was getting a little too comfortable with the fail.

Cho Seung-Hui(Probably the only college student who would appreciate my humor)

Life in General:

Life itself is a fail for me. The worst thing about it is that all of these failures have made me a bad person. I’m not even trying to get people to say “Oh stop! You’re such a sweetie pie.” Not that I would stop you. I find myself through all of these failures becoming bitterer and spiteful which in the end makes me manipulative and unsympathetic. It’s really hard to get me to feel bad for anyone, although I would pretend to do it if I could get something in return. So basically my failings have turned me into a monster. This will turn out well for no one.

tongue(I actually like how the tongue is a good progression of a person. You start off sweet, become a little salty, then turn sour, and finally end up bitter)

What have you failed at this year?

I will also do a follow-up to this with my 2013 successes just so you know I’m not a whiny bitch, which I am but I am trying to manipulate you into thinking I am not.

I suppose this is my obligatory New Year’s Resolution post. After all, a new year is approaching and it would seem silly not to at least set a few goals. This year though will be different from past years. 2013 for me has to be an important year for me. If it’s not…fuck.

In January 2011 I decided that if in two years I still was interested I would move to Los Angeles to further pursue my desire to have a career as a television/film writer. I could have simply said screenwriter but technically writing for a PowerPoint means you’re writing for a screen so I refuse to use that word. Through 2011 and 2012 it was all I could think about. It seemed so perfectly scripted for my life to head in that direction. I worked hard at writing as much as I could during this span of time. I’m not proud of much I’ve done with my life, but the amount I produced and the quality I believe I consistently achieve at this point is something I wish I could brag about and have someone understand how far I have come.

worst movie idea ever

(This was not one of those clever ideas I had this year)

Life doesn’t always work out the way we want it. I got as far as filling out an application for an apartment I visited while out in Los Angeles in October. The stress and fear of moving across the country began to hit me not much after. As fantastic as it would be to drive off into the sunset with a big fat middle finger sticking out the car window it was not realistic. I have no valuable skills to offer at a job. Worse, I have no credentials that would get me much further than where I am now with my desired career.

Instead I opted to move to New York City which is much closer and still can offer me what I want, at least for now. New York City is complicated so I settled for North Jersey, close enough where I can actually see the skyscrapers in Manhattan. I actually have to walk down a couple blocks to see the view, but it’s there and I’ll probably never bother unless I have absolutely nothing else to do.

The hardest thing about it all is I am still getting rid of nearly everything in my life. I just have less of a distance to drive and also won’t have to pay $5 for a gallon of California gas. In fact, I won’t need a car at all anymore. After spending the last 3 years driving an hour to work it’s almost arousing to know in the coming days I will have gotten stuck in my last traffic jam for a while.

Kyiv_traffic_jam

(I’m not going to miss looking at another person’s bumper. I should really get my blood pressure checked now and then again after a month without driving just to see how much of an early grave it has sent me to already)

Growing up I was always told two things when it came to happiness. The first was bite your tongue, life sucks now shut up and play goalie fatso. The second was if you’re not happy you should fix it. Well, I spent 25 years doing the first. When something bothered me I remembered how much worse things could be. Yes there’s a hole in our bathroom floor but at least we have a bathroom. No matter how much things bothered me, no matter how miserable I would get at times, I never really did much about it other than hope someone would cross my path and save me. I feel like a woman writing that last sentence but I think it’s true for men and women. It’s easier to have someone else do all the work when really you’ve got to always do it yourself.

I’ve quit my job I have had since I was 17 which may have been the most consistent thing in my life. I had no problem quitting because it never brought me joy and it never let me do anything close to what I wanted to with my life. It became clear to me long ago that working there my entire life could be possible. I could have continued working there and driving an hour back and forth. I could have continued coming home to my apartment each night to no prospect that something incredible might happen. Nobody was going to show up at my door. Nobody was going to rescue me from complacency. As scary as it is and as scared as I still am, getting comfortable in a routine of loneliness is not healthy and eventually it will catch up to you.

jurassic-park

(Typical Jeff Goldblum. Always running away from the problem without a real solution in mind. That ain’t me)

So what are my expectations for 2013? I’m starting the year off living in a new town, no job, and knowing exactly what I want out of life without too much of an idea on where to start or how to get it. My simple expectation for 2013 is to do whatever it takes. I want to get involved in whatever I can with whoever I can. I’ve spent my life surrounded by apathetic people who mean well but don’t offer me what I need. I used to have people I wanted to be. Now over the last few years it becomes clearer how the time for me to try to become the hero is here. I’m probably not going to rescue anyone from anything life threatening but I certainly hope I can at least lead by example and inspire others to do something amazing with their lives.

Most importantly I’m making these changes because I want more than I have. My current lifestyle is not something that could one day support a family or really get everything out of life a person should experience. A person shouldn’t have to give up so young, which I try telling everyone my age who seem to do it with ease. One day I want to be able to afford to go out to fancy restaurants maybe with a wife and kids. I want to be able to own a home where I worry about it being built on an Indian Burial Ground. In my life I want to be able to go on vacations and love my job so much that I spoil the fun for whoever I’m with. The direction my life was headed, I could somewhat attain these things. And it’s about more than money of course. It’s about feeling valued and most of all, valuing myself. There are not many things I need or want in life. One of them is to actually enjoy waking up with who I am and what I do.

In 2013 I expect to a year from now be so exhausted from all the hard work and good times I’ve had that I write something short enough you actually read entirely through. Let’s kick some ass and take some names in 2013.