Posts Tagged ‘blogging’

Here are links to places you can find other works of mine.

cleat report

The Cleat Report: Anything baseball related

phalse philly sports logo

Phalse Philly Sports: Philadelphia sports satire

I think blogging here has jumped the shark for me. Or maybe I’m using that term incorrectly. Yes, I know for a fact I am. Jumping the shark should be used when a hotshot high school student tries literally jumping over a pool of sharks while riding a motorcycle and in no other instances.

What I mean is with this blog I spent so much time promoting in the past that I can never say anything awful about anyone I actually know. This is kind of shitty in a way. Isn’t that the point of blogging? To talk shit in a cowardly way?

Not that I have a billion bad things to say about people. Most people I would talk badly about most likely don’t know this blog exists or wouldn’t bother to read it. I think this is a problem we all have with being mean. People are inherently good, but then we bring out the worst in others to the point they want to say bad things about us on a blog. So really I’m fine if you want to say bad things about me on your blog because I get it. Just don’t expect me to meaninglessly click “Like” on your post.

I actually started anonymously blogging somewhere else on Sunday, speaking in half-truths. I’ll probably do it here too in some cases just to keep it present. A half-truth, at least to me, is when you start to tell the honest truth and it hurts the person it’s about so much that you end up tossing in something so incredibly ridiculous they assume the whole thing was a joke. A classic one is God tells a man to build a boat because a giant flood is coming and then he has to grab two of every animal.

noahs-ark1(There once was a man named Noah and everything after probably didn’t happen)

With everything going on in my life (eating lunch and eating dinner) I find myself becoming a more private person. Not so much private where I don’t go outside or interact with people ever. I’m actually much more social than I was a year ago. I have a job where I talk to people every day and on my way there at least one person’s armpit is shoved in my face–half of the time at my request to block the stench from someone else.

I don’t really have a point to this other than I couldn’t figure out anything else to write before going to bed so I figured I’d update here on how I really don’t have much to share, but at the same time I have a lot. I think my problem is finding a balance between what to say on a blog and what to keep private because to truly express myself in some ways would upset people. Never forget, I’m an angry white male in his mid-20s who never really achieved what he wanted in life. Plus my foot hurts and whenever someone’s foot hurts they usually lose control of their words.

Forgive me blog readers for I have sinned. It has been 9 days since my last blog post. That’s an estimation and kind of depends on interpretation. It’s been over a week though. I guess you can say my absence is because like Shawn Michaels, I have lost my smile.

I’m not handing over my world title. I’m not going to retire. I’m not going to stop blogging. I have too many things already written anyway. For now though I have very little interest in blogging. It’s not something I really think about even anymore. That’s not to say I have given up my dreams of becoming a writer. I may not be as focused on certain writing aspects in my life as I would like, but I am still writing as much as I can, which is not as much as I would like.

For now I will probably be blogging less frequently. I no longer get the same, if any, satisfaction out of it that I once did. That’s not to say I’m not happy. I’m probably the most gleeful I have been in a long time. So in your face, or something.

I am a week away from turning 26 and saying no is easy for me now. Well, I don’t really say no. I more bite my lip, tilt my head, shrug, and then say “Ya know, I’d rather not.” I’m fine without simple pleasures. I’m comfortable accepting every role I have in life. I know my value. Some things in life will never go my way. Some people will never be dependable. Things that used to make me sad just make me say “meh” because that’s the way it is and I didn’t see it coming. I give an “all righty then” and continue to move along through life.

So really what I’m saying is don’t expect me around as often, but expect me around. I have no real reason to slow up on blogging other than I just don’t like as much anymore. I would go further into it, but that’s a lost battle not worth dancing into.

Gold-Dress-dancing(Not sure if there is anyone on the planet with less sex appeal than Taylor Swift. My uncle who always has car grease on his hands…maybe)

The word “an” is a Latin prefix meaning “one.” Anniversaries happen one time a year. We all have only one anus. Anacondas always travel by themselves. And annual events happen once each year.

I won’t waste your time much further. I just simply hate to miss an anniversary of any kind and felt that I should at least acknowledge today that it is the one year anniversary of me self-publishing my first novel, Satan: Little League Superstar. A year has passed and I still hate using the word novel even though the word book sounds a lot more like something with pictures and pop-up monsters, not that I am above making a book like that. So technically I guess this means it has been exactly a year since I made my first dime from writing. The best part is I have made enough money from my writing to live on, if I decided to live in a homeless shelter and only buy cheap drugs. Now that I have discovered writing for Yahoo I have more of an income from writing entering my bank account. It’s not a tremendous amount, but it’s still something and will look great on a resume to people who don’t understand they publish just about anything on there.

To read more on how great self-publishing is, you can read a Yahoo article I recently wrote about it and was paid a very specific $3.72 upfront for writing it.

Top Five Heartbreaking Moments From Self-Publishing

And read the rest or at least click on them.

I started “contributing” things to the Yahoo Contributor’s Network. I am not a fan of the word contribute. It’s a word teachers would use whenever they felt you were not participating. Usually when a kid doesn’t participate it’s because there is a much bigger problem. Then the teachers embarrass the kid by calling him out on his bullshit and the kid goes home and cries. Then his parents meet together at the school to figure out what’s wrong with me. The school blames my parents and my parents blame the school system. A fist fight breaks out between my dad and the principal. My mom yanks a woman’s earring out through the flesh and due to the injury the woman gets an infection. The next two years are spent trying to keep my mom out of jail for “getting caught up in the heat of the moment” which is the sleazy lawyer’s advice. Meanwhile I am in 4th grade now, friendless, and weighing 200 pounds. My dad’s living in Peru and late in the year we find out he has received a sex change operation. After a 16 month sentence, my mom ends up serving a lifetime for her actions while incarcerated. My dad remarries and eventually drowns in his own semen, according to the autopsy report. All of this because I wouldn’t contribute.

But I’m contributing now. Here are the first three things that have been put up there. Whether they interest you or not, it’s helpful if you click on the links because I get paid per visit aka I may be able to make enough to buy a nothing. I’ve already submitted things that fall under the “humor” label so that should be more interesting for you…maybe. So just click on each. It’s helpful.

Three Baseball Teams and What They Should do at the Trade Deadline

Better Than Nirvana

Catchers Are the New Shortstops

If you want to contribute to Yahoo then Google “yahoo voices” and figure it out yourself. You won’t make much money, but if it gets picked up by one of the random Yahoo sites then you can earn a pretty penny. By pretty I mean around $2.

two dollar bill(I’d hit it)

I’m participating in a blogging project. Is it a project? It’s more people just putting links places. Sounds like hard work to me. We’re supposed to write about sleepovers. I already wrote a post about that before, but felt it would be cheating to allow them to put that link up. I’ll put it up here anyway then summarize it below again for the sake of things. The strangest sleepover I had can be read here at Up All Night Giggle Fests. But I had more and here are the top 10 things that I remember from sleepovers in no particular order.

1) At one of my first sleepovers a kid with bad breath showed us his butt then we watched The Stupids and made fun of the kid who fell asleep at 8 then we all fell asleep at 9.

2) When I was sleeping over Michael Barbera’s house one time we were watching Jungle 2 Jungle. He fell asleep and his dad came over and shut the movie off while I was still awake. I pretended to be asleep after that because it would have been awkward otherwise.

1997-jungle-2-jungle-poster1

3) When I was older I was sleeping over a friend’s house. He asked me if I needed to (insert whatever your favorite term for masturbation is here) before going to bed. I told him no. He excused himself and returned 10 minutes later. He probably wanted to say his prayers in private, right?

4) I was never allowed to have friends over as a kid because my house was really gross and messy. I began house sitting frequently when I was an older teenager and I had a friend sleepover one night. He slept in the little girl’s bed. We also watched porn and laughed at it because doing anything else would be weird.

5) A lot of times I would drink at friend’s houses. I never wanted to sleep on the floor so I usually stayed up all night until I was super enough to drive home. One time a girl rested her head on my crotch and we watched 9/11 conspiracy videos on YouTube all night long. She got really fat and didn’t remember me a week later.

venturalarryking

6) One time a friend of mine at a sleepover I actually stayed at asked me if he should show his foreskin to some girl in exchange for her to show him her boobs. I told him not to and he didn’t. I have never felt so trusted.

7) When I was younger my mom was in the hospital a lot. It was unfortunate that one time when she was in the hospital my dad was away for like the only business trip he ever went on. I think it was to Baltimore. He saw Jason Giambi there. Because my parents were afraid of someone calling DYFS on them, my sister and I had to stay at a neighbor’s house. When I was sent to bed I remember waking up and crawling around on the floor for no reason at all.

jasongiambi

8) XXX***TOO EXPLICIT TO TALK ABOUT PUBLICALLY***XXX

9) One time I got home late from New York City when I was doing stand-up comedy and decided instead of driving the 30 minutes it took to get home I would just sleep in my car since I had work the next morning anyway. This wasn’t so much a sleepover as much as it was a cry for help that went ignored. I also hurt my neck trying to sleep.

10) I swear I remember one time when I brought a change of clothes and a sleeping bag over to a friend’s house expecting to sleepover and they kept hinting at me to leave. I can’t remember the particular details, but I remember the feeling of rejection and being reminded that my sleep farts were not welcome in their parent’s basement.

remember-the-time

I didn’t think I would hear back until tomorrow about the first of the contests I have entered recently. I was curious and checked out the website tonight only to find they had already announced the winners. And as the title suggests, it blew.

Childhood past time(Remember childhood when the only thing that blew were bubbles? I mean, if you were lucky of course. I wasn’t raised Catholic)

My name only appeared on the site as the winner of a randomly drawn prize. This means I could have sent them a blank document and probably won it. As I am making a tradition that I began last year, I am going to make fun of the titles of the other winners and how terrible they sound as well as made up plots. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better about devoting my time to something I cared about only to be told it wasn’t good enough. I entered two under the television category, but I am also going to make fun of the films because I am better an angry. I also want to mention that the biggest winner from this contest in the past is Snow White and the Huntsman. So in short, I’m worse than that crappy film and that was one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

Television:

Ad Game – A look into the intriguing world of board game advertising. With technology improving, will anyone go back to the basics? One man thinks he has an advertisement that will blow everyone away. It doesn’t and he kills himself in the first episode.

Children of Eden – Adam and Eve are a blue-collar couple who realize their lives are worthless because they have no friends. They end up adopting a couple of babies from Asia and then chaos ensues in a very Cheaper by the Dozen way.

Electric Church – Based on the true story of Joel Osteen using too much electricity, Joe Losteen a fictional character not based on anyone, uses too much electricity in his church and he has to learn to go back to his roots, not reading the Bible from his iPad.

Karamazov – An awesome show about a Russian mobster that fails after one season because nobody can spell or pronounce the title.

Law Show – Seriously…this was the best title they could come up with? Next year I’m entering something called Cop Show and then complaining when they don’t make it a finalist. If I saw something called Law Show I would have tracked down the writer and cut off fingers every hour until they came up with a real title.

Resident – The prequel to Resident Evil before the evil zombie part. Nothing happens.

Resolved – The show opens up on the season finale. All of the problems are resolved and there is no conflict.

The Cave – An abused girl obsessed with Mumford and Sons continues to play their hit song The Cave over and over again until her parents kick her out. She was a real annoying bitch anyway and is played by Emily Osment because there are occasional songs that need to be sung.

The Watson School for Girls – Gossip Girl but named after a fictional character from Sherlock Holmes. In season 3 one of the main girls die from AIDS.

Yukon – Northern Exposure except on the Canadian part. Nobody watches it because nobody likes Eskimos.

Film:

Arctic Circle – The film version of Yukon except one of the main actresses refuses to be in it because she’s a diva.

The Artist Formerly Known as John Smith – A modern-day interpretation of the story of Pocahontas where John Smith is basically the musician Prince.

Brood X – A film chronicling the story behind one of the most average wrestling stables of all-time, The Brood. The X part has to do with the fact X-Pac has a main part in it.

Butterfly Children – A sexual education film about the birthing of butterflies. It strikes up some controversy after the opening scene of butterfly rape.

The Cause of it All – Howard Zimmershit has spent his entire life getting blamed for things he didn’t do. After a massive terrorist attack on the symbol of American freedom, American Apparel, Zimmershit finds himself blamed for it and must go on the run.

The Colony – March of the Penguins with ants.

Compliance – Newt Jones does whatever people tell him to do. Then one day he stands up for himself and finds there is more to life than being a submissive fool.

Cricket – A live action version of the origin story of Jiminy Cricket. Before he was Pinocchio’s conscience, Jiminy Cricket worked for the mafia. Eventually he turns and begins working for the police as a CI.

Cutting Numbers – A  mohel and a math teacher must team up to enter a boxing tournament to save a dying singing cat.

Deadmen – Two hours of pictures flashing on the screen of different dead people.

Demain Je Me Tue – It’s like Moulin Rouge and the only difference is this one has more bestiality.

Dickens and Isabella – The untold touching story of Charles Dickens and his shit-rag he named Isabella.

The Gentle Apocalypse – During WWII, it appears as if the world is coming to an end. The Nazis push through Europe until one man steps up to stop them, a gentle teddy bear. He’s not so gentle though. He’s basically Rambo. But he kills people. This is a very bloody movie.

Holy Mackerel – Originally titled “Things Only Grandmothers Say,” this film is about a cow manure eating contest in West Virginia and the people in it.

Paganini – The sequel to Holy Mackerel, this one taking place in Italy.

Priscilla – A completely made-up story about Elvis’s wife and how she saves everyone from a robot holocaust.

Satan in Arkansas – Dave Kershmere and Lyle Savage are two pedophiles who open up their own pizza shop. At first the town has trouble accepting their lifestyle, until they taste the pizza.

Space Cadet – A theatrical release of Cadet Kelly starring Hilary Duff. They don’t exactly redo the movie or anything, they just dub over some of the words with space words like “moon” and “tang.”

Under Angels – A satirical take on the often taboo subject of having missionary position sex with angels and how they are never adventurous in bed. Sandra Bullock attached.

White Line Fever – Melanie Growdick is the only woman working as a line in the road painter. She gets sick one day with a fever and has to call out sick. Her boss tells her she can’t and she begins protesting the right for people to take off work whenever they feel the least bit under the weather.

Two down, like 3 or 4 more? I don’t know. I entered a lot of stuff. I have to be a finalist in at least one…right?