Here are links to places you can find other works of mine.
I think blogging here has jumped the shark for me. Or maybe I’m using that term incorrectly. Yes, I know for a fact I am. Jumping the shark should be used when a hotshot high school student tries literally jumping over a pool of sharks while riding a motorcycle and in no other instances.
What I mean is with this blog I spent so much time promoting in the past that I can never say anything awful about anyone I actually know. This is kind of shitty in a way. Isn’t that the point of blogging? To talk shit in a cowardly way?
Not that I have a billion bad things to say about people. Most people I would talk badly about most likely don’t know this blog exists or wouldn’t bother to read it. I think this is a problem we all have with being mean. People are inherently good, but then we bring out the worst in others to the point they want to say bad things about us on a blog. So really I’m fine if you want to say bad things about me on your blog because I get it. Just don’t expect me to meaninglessly click “Like” on your post.
I actually started anonymously blogging somewhere else on Sunday, speaking in half-truths. I’ll probably do it here too in some cases just to keep it present. A half-truth, at least to me, is when you start to tell the honest truth and it hurts the person it’s about so much that you end up tossing in something so incredibly ridiculous they assume the whole thing was a joke. A classic one is God tells a man to build a boat because a giant flood is coming and then he has to grab two of every animal.
With everything going on in my life (eating lunch and eating dinner) I find myself becoming a more private person. Not so much private where I don’t go outside or interact with people ever. I’m actually much more social than I was a year ago. I have a job where I talk to people every day and on my way there at least one person’s armpit is shoved in my face–half of the time at my request to block the stench from someone else.
I don’t really have a point to this other than I couldn’t figure out anything else to write before going to bed so I figured I’d update here on how I really don’t have much to share, but at the same time I have a lot. I think my problem is finding a balance between what to say on a blog and what to keep private because to truly express myself in some ways would upset people. Never forget, I’m an angry white male in his mid-20s who never really achieved what he wanted in life. Plus my foot hurts and whenever someone’s foot hurts they usually lose control of their words.
Forgive me blog readers for I have sinned. It has been 9 days since my last blog post. That’s an estimation and kind of depends on interpretation. It’s been over a week though. I guess you can say my absence is because like Shawn Michaels, I have lost my smile.
I’m not handing over my world title. I’m not going to retire. I’m not going to stop blogging. I have too many things already written anyway. For now though I have very little interest in blogging. It’s not something I really think about even anymore. That’s not to say I have given up my dreams of becoming a writer. I may not be as focused on certain writing aspects in my life as I would like, but I am still writing as much as I can, which is not as much as I would like.
For now I will probably be blogging less frequently. I no longer get the same, if any, satisfaction out of it that I once did. That’s not to say I’m not happy. I’m probably the most gleeful I have been in a long time. So in your face, or something.
I am a week away from turning 26 and saying no is easy for me now. Well, I don’t really say no. I more bite my lip, tilt my head, shrug, and then say “Ya know, I’d rather not.” I’m fine without simple pleasures. I’m comfortable accepting every role I have in life. I know my value. Some things in life will never go my way. Some people will never be dependable. Things that used to make me sad just make me say “meh” because that’s the way it is and I didn’t see it coming. I give an “all righty then” and continue to move along through life.
So really what I’m saying is don’t expect me around as often, but expect me around. I have no real reason to slow up on blogging other than I just don’t like as much anymore. I would go further into it, but that’s a lost battle not worth dancing into.
The word “an” is a Latin prefix meaning “one.” Anniversaries happen one time a year. We all have only one anus. Anacondas always travel by themselves. And annual events happen once each year.
I won’t waste your time much further. I just simply hate to miss an anniversary of any kind and felt that I should at least acknowledge today that it is the one year anniversary of me self-publishing my first novel, Satan: Little League Superstar. A year has passed and I still hate using the word novel even though the word book sounds a lot more like something with pictures and pop-up monsters, not that I am above making a book like that. So technically I guess this means it has been exactly a year since I made my first dime from writing. The best part is I have made enough money from my writing to live on, if I decided to live in a homeless shelter and only buy cheap drugs. Now that I have discovered writing for Yahoo I have more of an income from writing entering my bank account. It’s not a tremendous amount, but it’s still something and will look great on a resume to people who don’t understand they publish just about anything on there.
To read more on how great self-publishing is, you can read a Yahoo article I recently wrote about it and was paid a very specific $3.72 upfront for writing it.
And read the rest or at least click on them.
I started “contributing” things to the Yahoo Contributor’s Network. I am not a fan of the word contribute. It’s a word teachers would use whenever they felt you were not participating. Usually when a kid doesn’t participate it’s because there is a much bigger problem. Then the teachers embarrass the kid by calling him out on his bullshit and the kid goes home and cries. Then his parents meet together at the school to figure out what’s wrong with me. The school blames my parents and my parents blame the school system. A fist fight breaks out between my dad and the principal. My mom yanks a woman’s earring out through the flesh and due to the injury the woman gets an infection. The next two years are spent trying to keep my mom out of jail for “getting caught up in the heat of the moment” which is the sleazy lawyer’s advice. Meanwhile I am in 4th grade now, friendless, and weighing 200 pounds. My dad’s living in Peru and late in the year we find out he has received a sex change operation. After a 16 month sentence, my mom ends up serving a lifetime for her actions while incarcerated. My dad remarries and eventually drowns in his own semen, according to the autopsy report. All of this because I wouldn’t contribute.
But I’m contributing now. Here are the first three things that have been put up there. Whether they interest you or not, it’s helpful if you click on the links because I get paid per visit aka I may be able to make enough to buy a nothing. I’ve already submitted things that fall under the “humor” label so that should be more interesting for you…maybe. So just click on each. It’s helpful.
If you want to contribute to Yahoo then Google “yahoo voices” and figure it out yourself. You won’t make much money, but if it gets picked up by one of the random Yahoo sites then you can earn a pretty penny. By pretty I mean around $2.
I’m participating in a blogging project. Is it a project? It’s more people just putting links places. Sounds like hard work to me. We’re supposed to write about sleepovers. I already wrote a post about that before, but felt it would be cheating to allow them to put that link up. I’ll put it up here anyway then summarize it below again for the sake of things. The strangest sleepover I had can be read here at Up All Night Giggle Fests. But I had more and here are the top 10 things that I remember from sleepovers in no particular order.
1) At one of my first sleepovers a kid with bad breath showed us his butt then we watched The Stupids and made fun of the kid who fell asleep at 8 then we all fell asleep at 9.
2) When I was sleeping over Michael Barbera’s house one time we were watching Jungle 2 Jungle. He fell asleep and his dad came over and shut the movie off while I was still awake. I pretended to be asleep after that because it would have been awkward otherwise.
3) When I was older I was sleeping over a friend’s house. He asked me if I needed to (insert whatever your favorite term for masturbation is here) before going to bed. I told him no. He excused himself and returned 10 minutes later. He probably wanted to say his prayers in private, right?
4) I was never allowed to have friends over as a kid because my house was really gross and messy. I began house sitting frequently when I was an older teenager and I had a friend sleepover one night. He slept in the little girl’s bed. We also watched porn and laughed at it because doing anything else would be weird.
5) A lot of times I would drink at friend’s houses. I never wanted to sleep on the floor so I usually stayed up all night until I was super enough to drive home. One time a girl rested her head on my crotch and we watched 9/11 conspiracy videos on YouTube all night long. She got really fat and didn’t remember me a week later.
6) One time a friend of mine at a sleepover I actually stayed at asked me if he should show his foreskin to some girl in exchange for her to show him her boobs. I told him not to and he didn’t. I have never felt so trusted.
7) When I was younger my mom was in the hospital a lot. It was unfortunate that one time when she was in the hospital my dad was away for like the only business trip he ever went on. I think it was to Baltimore. He saw Jason Giambi there. Because my parents were afraid of someone calling DYFS on them, my sister and I had to stay at a neighbor’s house. When I was sent to bed I remember waking up and crawling around on the floor for no reason at all.
8) XXX***TOO EXPLICIT TO TALK ABOUT PUBLICALLY***XXX
9) One time I got home late from New York City when I was doing stand-up comedy and decided instead of driving the 30 minutes it took to get home I would just sleep in my car since I had work the next morning anyway. This wasn’t so much a sleepover as much as it was a cry for help that went ignored. I also hurt my neck trying to sleep.
10) I swear I remember one time when I brought a change of clothes and a sleeping bag over to a friend’s house expecting to sleepover and they kept hinting at me to leave. I can’t remember the particular details, but I remember the feeling of rejection and being reminded that my sleep farts were not welcome in their parent’s basement.
I didn’t think I would hear back until tomorrow about the first of the contests I have entered recently. I was curious and checked out the website tonight only to find they had already announced the winners. And as the title suggests, it blew.
My name only appeared on the site as the winner of a randomly drawn prize. This means I could have sent them a blank document and probably won it. As I am making a tradition that I began last year, I am going to make fun of the titles of the other winners and how terrible they sound as well as made up plots. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better about devoting my time to something I cared about only to be told it wasn’t good enough. I entered two under the television category, but I am also going to make fun of the films because I am better an angry. I also want to mention that the biggest winner from this contest in the past is Snow White and the Huntsman. So in short, I’m worse than that crappy film and that was one of the worst movies I have ever seen.
Ad Game – A look into the intriguing world of board game advertising. With technology improving, will anyone go back to the basics? One man thinks he has an advertisement that will blow everyone away. It doesn’t and he kills himself in the first episode.
Children of Eden – Adam and Eve are a blue-collar couple who realize their lives are worthless because they have no friends. They end up adopting a couple of babies from Asia and then chaos ensues in a very Cheaper by the Dozen way.
Electric Church – Based on the true story of Joel Osteen using too much electricity, Joe Losteen a fictional character not based on anyone, uses too much electricity in his church and he has to learn to go back to his roots, not reading the Bible from his iPad.
Karamazov – An awesome show about a Russian mobster that fails after one season because nobody can spell or pronounce the title.
Law Show – Seriously…this was the best title they could come up with? Next year I’m entering something called Cop Show and then complaining when they don’t make it a finalist. If I saw something called Law Show I would have tracked down the writer and cut off fingers every hour until they came up with a real title.
Resident – The prequel to Resident Evil before the evil zombie part. Nothing happens.
Resolved – The show opens up on the season finale. All of the problems are resolved and there is no conflict.
The Cave – An abused girl obsessed with Mumford and Sons continues to play their hit song The Cave over and over again until her parents kick her out. She was a real annoying bitch anyway and is played by Emily Osment because there are occasional songs that need to be sung.
The Watson School for Girls – Gossip Girl but named after a fictional character from Sherlock Holmes. In season 3 one of the main girls die from AIDS.
Yukon – Northern Exposure except on the Canadian part. Nobody watches it because nobody likes Eskimos.
Arctic Circle – The film version of Yukon except one of the main actresses refuses to be in it because she’s a diva.
The Artist Formerly Known as John Smith – A modern-day interpretation of the story of Pocahontas where John Smith is basically the musician Prince.
Brood X – A film chronicling the story behind one of the most average wrestling stables of all-time, The Brood. The X part has to do with the fact X-Pac has a main part in it.
Butterfly Children – A sexual education film about the birthing of butterflies. It strikes up some controversy after the opening scene of butterfly rape.
The Cause of it All – Howard Zimmershit has spent his entire life getting blamed for things he didn’t do. After a massive terrorist attack on the symbol of American freedom, American Apparel, Zimmershit finds himself blamed for it and must go on the run.
The Colony – March of the Penguins with ants.
Compliance – Newt Jones does whatever people tell him to do. Then one day he stands up for himself and finds there is more to life than being a submissive fool.
Cricket – A live action version of the origin story of Jiminy Cricket. Before he was Pinocchio’s conscience, Jiminy Cricket worked for the mafia. Eventually he turns and begins working for the police as a CI.
Cutting Numbers – A mohel and a math teacher must team up to enter a boxing tournament to save a dying singing cat.
Deadmen – Two hours of pictures flashing on the screen of different dead people.
Demain Je Me Tue – It’s like Moulin Rouge and the only difference is this one has more bestiality.
Dickens and Isabella – The untold touching story of Charles Dickens and his shit-rag he named Isabella.
The Gentle Apocalypse – During WWII, it appears as if the world is coming to an end. The Nazis push through Europe until one man steps up to stop them, a gentle teddy bear. He’s not so gentle though. He’s basically Rambo. But he kills people. This is a very bloody movie.
Holy Mackerel – Originally titled “Things Only Grandmothers Say,” this film is about a cow manure eating contest in West Virginia and the people in it.
Paganini – The sequel to Holy Mackerel, this one taking place in Italy.
Priscilla – A completely made-up story about Elvis’s wife and how she saves everyone from a robot holocaust.
Satan in Arkansas – Dave Kershmere and Lyle Savage are two pedophiles who open up their own pizza shop. At first the town has trouble accepting their lifestyle, until they taste the pizza.
Space Cadet – A theatrical release of Cadet Kelly starring Hilary Duff. They don’t exactly redo the movie or anything, they just dub over some of the words with space words like “moon” and “tang.”
Under Angels – A satirical take on the often taboo subject of having missionary position sex with angels and how they are never adventurous in bed. Sandra Bullock attached.
White Line Fever – Melanie Growdick is the only woman working as a line in the road painter. She gets sick one day with a fever and has to call out sick. Her boss tells her she can’t and she begins protesting the right for people to take off work whenever they feel the least bit under the weather.
Two down, like 3 or 4 more? I don’t know. I entered a lot of stuff. I have to be a finalist in at least one…right?
Did you know if you went back to the beginning of my blog and read everything in order, one per day, you would be reading them at the same pace Joseph Gordon-Levitt dated Zooey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer? That is to say, this is my 500th post I’ve done on this blog, give or take. The number is not exact because I made one private because I tried getting it on a different website and one is a sticky which messes with the numbers. For all intents and purposes, this is my 500th blog post.
What else does the number 500 mean?
In the year 500, Roman catacomb burials ended and Octa, the king of Kent was born. Despite the rumors, he only has one penis, not 8.
500 is the number of home runs that used to mean you were a guaranteed baseball Hall of Famer. Now it means you are a guaranteed cheater.
There is a card game called 500. I have no idea what the rules are because it does not involve saying “Go Fish.”
Rolling Stone magazine published a list of the 500 Greatest Albums and 500 Greatest Songs of all-time. The greatest Album was Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles. The greatest song was Bananaphone by Raffi.
Finally there is a planet called 500 Selinur that orbits the sun. It’s apparently pretty minor which is why it’s called 500 Selinur and not 500000000 Selinur.
In addition, I also finally hit the 100,000 club as far as blog hits are concerned. Of course as we all know, stats went drastically down when Google changed its ways, but nevertheless, it’s finally good to reach 6 digits. That may seem like a lot until you realize most football stadiums hold around 60,000. Now I feel pathetic and weak. Anyway, thanks for sticking around. Now be sure to check out the comics I have been doing.
I think everybody should keep a diary or a journal. It kind of depends on how often you wear women’s underwear on whether or not it qualifies as a diary or a journal. Basically they are the same thing. Diaries tend to have locks on them and discuss girl problems like crushing on the high school football captain and getting pig blood poured on you at prom. Journals deal with more masculine problems like trying to find a place to get pig blood on the cheap to pour on the girl who is crushing on the high school football captain.
Why should you keep a chronicle of your life? There are many reasons and I am going to list them out because people love lists and making lists is lazy writing.
1) You can be famous one day – Anne Frank is the most famous diary keeper of all-time. Unfortunately thanks to those pesky Nazis she never got to bask in the glory. Then again, if it wasn’t for those Nazis then the book would have been pretty boring. Imagine Die Hard without Hans Gruber. It would just be a cop trying to save his marriage. It would have probably been called something more like “Nothing Lasts Forever” which for some reason is the name of the book Die Hard is somewhat based on. I guess it’s a warning that the book does eventually end?
(Anne Frank’s diary. I find it a little too self-deprecating that she calls herself wimpy just because she has to hide from the Nazis. Also, who’s Jeff Kinney? Did I use the wrong picture? lolz)
2) Other people can see how stupid you are – When people know you are stupid they expect less of you. Believe me, no one ever asks for my help. Karl Pilkington is the perfect example. Ricky Gervais convinced him to keep a daily journal which produced some very hilarious results. You do realize that Karl’s job now is to travel around the world with a midget now, right? He’s living the dream.
3) You will have something to look back at – I love being able to look back at old things I had written and completely forgotten about. It’s like someone else did them and I can appreciate my greatness from your point of view. It’s like a photo album where you have to be literate to understand.
4) Your memory will be improved – Scientists spent billions of dollars last year to come to the conclusion that writing things down, whether it’s looked at again or not, improves memory. If you write down your grocery list, but forget it at home, your brain should be capable of remembering many of the items on the list. Fourteen men and a dog died during this study so you should probably make an effort so their lives were not lost for nothing.
5) Your writing will improve – Whether you want to write as a career or just want to improve your vocabulary for ransom notes, having good grammar (or is it well grammar?) is always a good thing (or is it a well thing?). The more you do anything the better you will get. Unless you are Allen Iverson. He don’t need practice.
(Allen Iverson, talkin’ bout practice, not a game)
6) Money can be made – Would you believe that people actual pay money for memoirs about other people? All you need to do is keep a diary or a journal for a year then kill a famous person and everyone will want to read about your life. You’ll be locked up in prison and the money will all go to the victim’s family or a charity so you may not actually get much. How about you become a talented figure skater instead? Everyone loves Kristi Yamaguchi. Her name is too fun to say not to read about her personal thoughts.
(I used to be able to do this when I could figure skate except I was on my back, not my foot)
Convinced? Probably not. A list with 6 items never convinces anyway anything.
Do you keep a diary, journal, or working manifesto?
I totally forgot, but thanks to WordPress something popped up congratulating me on my two-year anniversary with the site. I’m getting praise for essentially not knowing how to delete this thing. Not that I plan to delete it or anything. I have way too much greatness here.
So what’s there to say? I’m not sure. Here’s a list of ten things about this blog because I feel like I’m cheating you (wasting less of your time) by not doing more.
1) My first blog follower ever was this guy. He still blogs sometimes which is pretty unique. I remember it was September 2011 before I figured out how to navigate WordPress and comment on other blogs. I was sitting in a hotel I wasn’t staying at stealing the Internet when morning when I found his blog and left a comment. It was something about kids get coddled when playing sports.
2) My favorite blog post anyone else has ever done was this one. Has it been six months already? Wow. The post was probably the best thing to happen on my birthday.
3) My most commented blog post that wasn’t Blog Award related or the Opening Credits I have on my home page when I announced the availability of my first ever book. If you remember correctly, I hyped it up for a month leaving clues and making people think I had gone crazy. I had people in real life come up to me asking if I was all right since I had claimed the world would come to an end on August 9th. Although I may not be an award-winning writer, it’s great to know I can actually pull off writing a full novel and people will pay money for it. The next one comes out in like a week and a half and I’m excited for the first person to buy it complaining that they bought the wrong thing.
4) I’ve somehow managed to in two years become friendly with several bloggers. I write a blog with one of them, I almost met one in person, and a third has the distinction of being the only blogger to have seen what my knees look like. I’ll tag the rest of you somewhere else below so quit complaining. This is poetic.
5) I’ve learned what it’s like to be a great mother of a newborn child and how to be a great mother twice with two newborn daughters. All great mothers of course have people they look up to. When in doubt they can always turn here or if that doesn’t work they can go here. Here also knows a lot about the American Revolution so if you need help on that topic like I did, that’s the place.
6) When I first started blogging I thought it was to become famous and successful and rich and powerful and dictatorshipish. I soon came to learn it’s not about that. Blogging is about asking for help with art, it’s about giving and receiving advice on life and realizing others have been through the same as you, and it’s about whatever this guy taught me.
7) I’ve met people who have written their own books like this guy and this guy and this girl and this girl. There’s an abundance of creativity everywhere here on WordPress. Some people create amazing music.
8) I didn’t want this to be sentimental or anything, but I hate leaving people out and I’m procrastinating on doing something more important than blogging. What’s more important than blogging? Right now it’s writing out a character list for another shitty TV Pilot I’m putting together. Bleh I make myself sick with my “struggling artist” attitude.
9) So what has changed in the last two years? I think I can bench press like 10 pounds more than at the start. That’s something I should be proud of, right? I’ve convinced myself I’m a better and more relatable writer, but who knows? My personal life has changed drastically. For better or for worse, it’s death til us part. I’m still waiting for something really great to happen. I’ll know sometime mid-summer the results of several writing contests I have entered/will be entering. Could it change everything? After all, keeping up with this blog helped me feel motivated in other aspects even when I didn’t feel much like blogging. What the hell am I talking about? And why is there no link in number 9 and there are some everywhere else? This really bugs me.
10) I’m not going to put a link here either so 9 isn’t so alone. I also don’t have anything to say here other than thanks for two years. Whether you come by often, sometimes, or never make your presence known, thank you for existing. Now to head out to the store and grab some Tampax because I seem to need them.
(This looks exactly like the box to my Britta water filters. I guarantee someone has made that mistake)