Posts Tagged ‘books’

I randomly decided to check the reviews on things I have up on Amazon when I came across this gem:

1 Star – Like being patronized to by a moron, August 21, 2013

By S.W.W. – See all my reviews

This review is from: Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy

Tim is a man who represents everything wrong with the world of amateur stand-up comedy. He performs infrequently, believes he is above the shows he performs at, makes fun of other comedians who are different than him in any way, is frequently hypocritical, and expresses sexist, racist, and homophobic viewpoints. Most importantly, he is not funny, and simply resorts to making disgusting shock jokes without any clarity, set-up or context. If the audience didn’t laugh because you made a joke about performing fellatio on your father, that’s probably not their fault. His writing style conveys not just an immaturity, but an anti-maturity, an attitude that claims that things must change for him if he wants to achieve his goals, and if they don’t, there must be something wrong with them, and I will take my toys and leave. He has done the world of comedy a favor by retiring. He could never handle the business because it requires a thick skin and a sense of modesty. He is a blogger, and I imagine the experience of his blog is akin to attending the daycare room of a Klan rally. The editing is poor. Chapters are largely redundant, ideas are half-baked, and nearly every paragraph ends with a snarky sentence recapping the paragraph with a joke about fecal matter, homophobic stereotypes, or slut-shaming. Tim stole a dollar of my money, but the advice I give him now will be much more valuable – never return.

The review was left almost a month ago and I finally saw it now which shows you how little I care what other people think now. Anyway, I decided to write an answer that they will never see.

Dear S.W.W.

Thank you for the honest review. Let me start by thanking you for only leaving negative reviews on Amazon, your only other one being for $16 headphones you bought that arrived broken. I really hope you found another solution to watching episodes of The Big Bang Theory without waking your mother.

Stop me if I’m wrong, but you seem like a frustrated road comedian. By that I mean you remind me of people stuck in career purgatory. I have no doubt there are a million comedians better than I ever was or could be and you are probably one of them. Stand-up comedy is a tough business and as you said, I did not have the thick skin to survive in it. After all, I was still in high school and had no clue what I was doing. Most high schoolers don’t. If I was to start it now I probably would have been smarter about a lot of things. However, with this bloated wisdom comes the realization that I would probably have to deal with people like you and I don’t want that, especially when I know I could never be the best, which is what this book was about more than anything, giving up when you know you suck.

I apologize if you did not quite understand the message behind the book like others seemed to no problem. The book is self-deprecating and at no point did I want the impression to be that I think I am better than anyone else, other than maybe midgets but only in the sense that I can reach things more easily. I made it a point not to attack anyone personally, unless I felt they were unfair to me. The book was meant to be about everything I did wrong and me essentially making fun of what a shit I was/still am. I am always very general when I make fun of things because few people deserve to be directly attacked.

Sexist, racist, and homophobic viewpoints? Unfortunately this was not a book about my viewpoints on life. This was a book about feeling awkward and failing miserably at something I thought for sure I would succeed at. Sure, there are jokes about women. There are jokes about people of different races. There are jokes about men having sex with other men. I would give you specific examples, but after reading your poor review of my material I feel like it would be a waste of time to read my own work because it sounds like shit. I have no doubt you and others were offended by this at times and I really don’t care because anonymous people who only post negative reviews online offend me. Let’s call that part of this even. If I had seen a positive review on your Amazon account I would have taken your words more seriously. Instead I think you are nothing more than a negative nelly. Actually, I think you are a lot more than that, but I don’t want to end this paragraph with a snarky joke about fecal matter, you piece of shit.

We clearly do not have similar senses of humor and that’s okay. I would probably only ever find you funny as you cry for your family to visit you as you rot away on your deathbed, alone. I’m sure your biggest problem with me is that something hit close to home or you felt attacked personally as to who you are. Stop caring so much about yourself. You are anonymous online and will be anonymous in life. I would be lying if I didn’t say your negative review bothered me because it does. I want everyone to like me and really, that is often a downfall. At the same time I know the people who do like me know what a horrible human being I am. They know I make sexist jokes, racist jokes, and homophobic jokes. You seem like someone who would not be fun to hangout with because this is kind of what people do, we make jokes with each other about everything.

Finally, let me point out the obvious. Who buys a book without at least reading a part of it? You would have known within a few paragraphs if this was something you should have purchased or not. Do you blow a guy before knowing his name? That’s not fair. I resorted to a sexual joke. I also don’t know if you are male or female, not that it’s a bad thing if you are a male and blow other males. See, I’m learning to be less homophobic because you called me out, anonymously. Oddly enough I have also sold more books since your review so thanks for making it look more like it wasn’t my friends leaving reviews with your glaring negative one. Please never do return again. People like you are not necessary for my master plan of putting out poorly edited books that shame sluts. Isn’t calling someone a slut shaming them already? That’s all. You will never see this. I also don’t like how you called me a blogger like it was a bad thing. Then you compared it to a KKK Daycare? I’m immature? Who says that someone has to be mature to write a book? Grr you are my least favorite person ever. I’m going to go beat my children now.

Sincerely,

Tim

P.S. Thank you for the dollar!

dollar

P.P.S. I actually only received 35 cents because Amazon earned the other 65. So thank you for the 35 cents.

35cents

The word “an” is a Latin prefix meaning “one.” Anniversaries happen one time a year. We all have only one anus. Anacondas always travel by themselves. And annual events happen once each year.

I won’t waste your time much further. I just simply hate to miss an anniversary of any kind and felt that I should at least acknowledge today that it is the one year anniversary of me self-publishing my first novel, Satan: Little League Superstar. A year has passed and I still hate using the word novel even though the word book sounds a lot more like something with pictures and pop-up monsters, not that I am above making a book like that. So technically I guess this means it has been exactly a year since I made my first dime from writing. The best part is I have made enough money from my writing to live on, if I decided to live in a homeless shelter and only buy cheap drugs. Now that I have discovered writing for Yahoo I have more of an income from writing entering my bank account. It’s not a tremendous amount, but it’s still something and will look great on a resume to people who don’t understand they publish just about anything on there.

To read more on how great self-publishing is, you can read a Yahoo article I recently wrote about it and was paid a very specific $3.72 upfront for writing it.

Top Five Heartbreaking Moments From Self-Publishing

And read the rest or at least click on them.

Are you sick and tired of bad movies? I am. The only thing that can make a bad movie even better is when it is shot in 3D, right? That always makes up for the fact that the plot sucks, the action is lame, and it barely keeps true to the original story it was based on. Even worse, sometimes that original story wasn’t even that good, but they still make us read it in 11th grade then make us watch the bad 1970s film adaptation that has a 34% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Well, I’m sick of it all.

Not only are there many bad movies and books out there in the world, there is such little time to waste on them. Sure you can read Cliff Notes, but that feels like cheating to me. In high school I rarely would ever read any books that were assigned to us all the way through. Still, I somehow managed to graduate easily and I even got pretty good grades. I think the problem is the books they make us read in high school are incredibly outdated and lack the same kind of action that we can see in films we actually choose to see. What would be wrong with allowing students to choose from a list of books to read? Since nobody ever listens to me and my ideas, I decided to do high school students everywhere a favor. I took a classic book and a classic movie then combined the two. The result, The Gimp Gatsby.

Rather than tell you why you should pick up a FREE copy of this book today or during another time when it will be free, I will tell you more why this is a better investment than some of the other similar options out there, like a terrible glorified unnecessarily made film that you may hear about this weekend. Here are ten reasons why you should choose my book over this film.

1) My book is free. This movie will probably cost you around $12 or however much movies are.

2) My book will probably take longer than 2 hours to complete. You can also read it again whereas the movie you will only be able to watch once for the price you pay.

3) You already know the story in the film. Gay guy visits cousin, cousin is cheating on abusive husband with rich guy, cousin hits husband’s mistress with rich guy’s car, mistress’s husband thinks it was rich guy and kills rich guy, nothing else happens.

4) Only probably like three people will get killed in this 3D film which feels like a waste to me. If I made a 3D movie I would have bodies flying at the audience all the way through. Do you know how many people get killed in my book? A lot!

5) I’ll say thank you if you read it and your readership will actually make a difference. Nobody will thank you for seeing this movie and you’re just a number to them, a number based on money more than as an individual.

6) You will learn more about history from my book than you will this film. There are appearances by historical figures like Fatty Arbuckle, Lou Gehrig, Amelia Earhart, and more! You will also learn how the rabies vaccine was created and why The Titanic sunk.

7) Unlike the movie you can see this weekend, the gangsters in my book behave like real gangsters. They say “motherfucker” and they poop.

8) In a way, this saves you a lot of time. Not only do I cover a “Great American Novel” and pretty much summarize all of the important points you would ever need to know about it, I also cover everything you need to know about several of my favorite movies, most notably ones with a sexual submissive gimps in pawnshop basements.

9) Are you too pop-culture slow to not realize this is basically a combination of The Great Gatsby and Pulp Fiction? I really hope someone didn’t just say “Ohhhh!”

10) The 3D movie you can choose to see this weekend may make you want to go back to the 1920s. I’ll do you one better. I’ll make you glad you live in 2013. Time machines don’t exist yet. Any movie that’s best feature is that it makes you wish you lived in another era is not doing its job. This movie glorifies an era that was not very glamorous for many people. Don’t let the Moulin Rouge imagery fool you into wasting your time.

I did a post way back in September called Big Helpers where I needed places to visit in Los Angeles and 1920s things to try including. If anything I think this gives you a good estimation on how many months I went without touching this thing until I finally felt motivated to finish it.

This will probably be the last book I will bother you with for some time. It’s only free for today so pick up a copy. It’ll be free again other days, but I want to try spreading them out as I’m still trying to figure out this whole “becoming a popular author” thing. Is it too late to get Mark David Chapman to carry around a copy and shoot someone?

the gimp gatsby cover

Attention all bookworms. Today is the final day I can give away my book Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy Performances and Experiences for free on Amazon. It will no longer be “Amazon Exclusive” after next week which means I can no longer have the option of making it free whenever I want. It will then be available on other formats where strangers can look at it then ask for refunds.

By now you will either get a copy or not. All I ask in return if you get a free copy is to leave a review when you get the chance. These are very helpful and indeed have helped me to sell copies to complete strangers. It’s also available in paperback which you could give two shits about so I won’t waste your time.

Instead here are 10 fun facts about this book and other related things.

1) I wrote the entire thing while standing up. Okay, so maybe I sat for a little bit of it, but a good majority of my writing was taking place while standing up. It still does. I read a Yahoo article that said sitting is bad so I try to do it less. My life has improved drastically since. I’m kidding. It still blows.

2) This book is made up of a few short stories, all of which are true and involve me getting stared at blankly. If you enjoy reading about other people’s pain then this is for you.

3) I wrote the whole thing in maybe 3 weeks. It’s about 26,000 words which averages out to a number of words per day I do not feel like calculating.

4) There were two stories I was going to add to this, but decided against because they didn’t quite fit or were too short. One was about a show I did where only two audience members showed up after seeing an advertisement about it on a Christian website. The one girl was really cute and smiled at me a lot before the show. Then the show started and she couldn’t wait to leave. She hated us all. The other one involves me almost starting fights with an Asian in the audience and a black man. Only the Asian had anything to do with race. I probably deserved to be roundhouse kicked to death by him.

5) I did indeed have a lot of really good shows. If you really are curious about the best night I ever had doing stand-up I could send you the story. I didn’t include it here because it’s for something else I have written where it would fit more. Plus this book is about failure. I had a girl from Germany, Tennessee, and two from Canada that night come after me with their legs open. What happened to me? I was so cool for that one 6 hour period.

6) I have no clue who one of the people who left a review is which makes me happy and I almost hope they never come forward.

7) Whenever I give away this book for free, it averages about 40 copies in the U.S. “purchased.” Of course it’s not a real purchase since my bank account stays as dry as the Sahara. Sahara of course being what I call–yeah I’ll stop here. It was going to be an old woman vagina joke.

8) The most famous person I ever performed on a show with was Jim Gaffigan. I didn’t see him perform. I heard he’s an asshole from 95% of the people who have met him.

9) One thing not included in the book was when I stole an audience member’s beer and drank from it. It was a cute little moment that was perfectly timed. he one-upped me when he stole my water and drank from it when I had my back turned. It was a perfect little cute moment, none of which are in this book.

10) I don’t burn bridges at all in this book which I am proud of. I don’t really have an animosity against anyone I met so I didn’t feel the need to. However, my next two books “autobiographical” books I am working on are all about burning bridges. For the sake of some brief hype, here are a few people I plan to shit on in future works from Tim Boyle. Think the description fits you? You should have been better.

-My first girlfriend

-The first girl to break my heart

-My first crush

-The homeless girl I went on a date with

-Two different pedophiles I encountered in my life

-The original drummer from Phish

-The Indian kid I sat with at lunch in 11th grade

-Every bully I ever had

-The girl who wanted me to have sex with her then kill her after

-The lesbians who tricked me into buying them drinks

-A girl with a giant empty cage in her bedroom for some reason

-A friend who tricked another friend into getting squirt with a hose so they could play ping pong shirtless

-The last man to touch my testicles

-The only person I have ever threatened to physically harm

-A stranger who tickled me in a Cracker Barrel

-And many more!

But before those are available there is more work to be done. There is still Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy Performances and Experiences to be enjoyed multiple times.

silence standup

Sasquatch, Yeti, the Abominable Snowman, Bigfoot, every tall overweight hipster trying to be ironic, Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth, Pete Howorth, and a few other names are what the iconic missing link goes by. I’m not here to talk about him/them though. I’m going to post a few links from other blogs I think you should check out.

Kidz Showz Linkz

What’s been going on over at Kidz Showz?

1) I wrote a wonderful piece on the 2013 Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards

2) Lily wrote up a wonderful piece on Pokemon

3) And we had our best guest post yet on Sid the Science Kid

We’re always open to letting others do guest posts, especially since I get lazier as the weather gets warmer and Lily actually goes out and does things.

Miami Carlins Fantasy Baseball Links

Most of what I write here would go over your heads since you don’t follow baseball. A few things I have written are actually purely humor and you don’t really need to know much about sports to appreciate them.

1) The Houston Astros baseball team this season might be one of the worst. I wrote something for CollegeHumor that they turned down because they hate me. It’s so funny my dad shared it on Facebook. He never does that.

2) One of my top players is apparently too fat for opening day. Read about my frustrations.

3) I also wrote a poem which no one will understand but it’s actually brilliant if you know anything about how the Miami Marlins were screwed over by their owner.

Other Stuff

1) Imagine how strange I felt when I went into my WordPress Reader and saw a gigantic picture of me on someone else’s blog. I was creeped out until I read further and saw it was a very genuine and honest review of my first attempt at writing something autobiographical. It’s nice to know people actually are pretending to have enjoyed it because I left a lot out like the good moments I had doing stand-up comedy or why I was such an uncomfortable person who felt the need to receive attention from strangers. Hopefully the next autobiographical thing I write answers a few of those questions. I also came up with a title for the book I asked for your help with so I have to start actually doing more with that now. But take my word for it. This one is more than twice as long as the stand-up book and it’s even more heartbreaking and funny. It’s one thing to get insulted by drunk strangers. I think it’s even funnier to get turned down and rejected by people you genuinely care about. At least funny when it happens to someone else.

2) It’s almost a month old, but during a series of posts he did, a certain blogger paid a tribute to me. And I don’t mean paid a tribute in some sacrificing another human being way. He just actually managed to write a few nice things about me for once.

3) For some reason I don’t think I ever posted this even though it’s been over a month. I think it was after the weekend where I didn’t do anything except lie in bed watching movies and TV shows. There’s a brief mention of me in there.

And after you check out any of the things I mentioned here you should go out check out the rest of their blogs. They’re all great and unique and different from one another.

Sasquatch Wild Man Of The Woods Elder Brother Bigfoot Yeti

“The best things in life are free.” – A rich person trying to fool someone without money into not following through with a revolution

Some of the best things in life are indeed free. Like today for instance. If you missed out the first time it as available for free on Amazon, for today only you can pick up a copy of Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy Performances and Experiences. This is a short book I wrote about exactly what the title suggests. Blah blah blah most of you already know. I’m only writing this up for a Filipino person. They’re so far behind on the times it’s embarrassing.

If you already got it once I guess you could always get it again because then I will temporarily be a “Hot Seller” until things die down. Or you don’t have to. I guess I’ll also tell you about something else. Last month I put together a collection of some of my best blog posts. It ended up being over 60,000 words which is pretty gosh darn long. I put these blog posts together with the main purpose being to see if I could reach a new audience. I think it worked for a few people, but there’s one problem. Amazon is a pain about putting up things for free so if you would be so kind as to help me out with the following steps I would be willing to send you a sexy photo of me.

1) Go here

2) Click on the “Tell us about a lower price” button where the giant error is pointing at

awesome blog

3) Click on “Website”

4) Paste in any of the following URLs as well as the price as $0 or any other information that comes up:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/how-to-write-an-awesome-blog-tim-boyle/1114770628

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/290005

http://www.kobobooks.com/ebook/How-to-Write-Awesome-Blog/book-BU5G02u0d0Sel26AsDJP8Q/page1.html?s=ZmTcR2sYGEWw8VBJ-1M4ZA&r=3

5) Then submit

Apparently this is the easiest way to make something permanently free, get enough people to complain they have found a free copy elsewhere. I don’t want to charge people for information they can find elsewhere. Plus on the time it’s been on Amazon not a single person has bought it so why charge some money anyway? If they were flying off the virtual shelves believe me, I would screw people over. It would also be helpful if you purchased the book from any of the free links under Step 4 then left a review. You don’t have to actually read the book considering you can find everything in it on my blog. Or if you want you can. It could be a quick way to catch up if you’re obsessed with me and new. Most of you have already read what’s in the book, although I rewrote everything a little bit and edited in some sarcastically helpful hints for anyone to create their own awesome blog, but I don’t expect anyone here to spend time on it. Did this make sense? I’m starting to think this was endless rambling.

hot new releases

 

(I was popular for a little bit)

Following my self-diagnosis of the flu, I have caught a much worse bug, the post-flu depression. I had been feeling severely depressed the last week or so and after carefully researching everything I could (typing something into Google once) I discovered that suffering from depression following  a bout with the flu is common. Not that I’m normally a Happy-Go-Lucky kind of person, but this was far different. Not only do I feel the blue, I also have no desire to do anything at all. Think about the last day you were lazy. I feel like this all the time now which is weird because normally I’m highly motivated. This sickness feels like it has totally kicked my ass and changed who I am. I don’t like it and I need to get out of this funk before I do something stupid like express my emotions.

dtfe/dtjsg.HUGH LAWSON-TANCRED / POETRY

(Yeah you read that poetry and squeeze that invisible boob you nancy boy)

One thing that has always been a cure for me whenever I’m feeling down in the dumps is victory. Even a small victory like having someone confess their love for me or looking at the clock at 9pm and realizing I haven’t eaten much at all and have an excuse to stuff my face are fine example of the victories I look forward to every day. Sometimes though these victories are few and far between. So, in an attempt to get an even bigger victory which will surely make me happy for a more extended period of time I will need your help.

I am going to attempt to take something I wrote last summer to a real publisher. Self-publishing is all fine and dandy, but the keyword is “self” as in you have to do all the work. It’s great to have things out there and I plan to continue to do so only it’s not enough for me. It’s a small victory and the chances of me being able to go further with it are far more limited than if I had actual representation. I could probably make more money selling three books published by a real company than I have in self-publishing total. There are other things I could make more money at which I will not name because I really would like to go at least one post on this blog without using the phrase “sucking a dick.” I have to be professional now.

how-to-be-a-professional

(I have to be more like these professional people. Except not like the redhead in the back. She looks too stiff. I thought those people were supposed to be fiery. Or am I thinking of their crotches?)

In short, what I need help with is coming up with the title for this completed manuscript. I have other things I’ve written, I’m working on, and whatever the other options are, but this one is as finished as it will ever be which is why I am choosing this one. It’s about every bad date, every horrible girlfriend I’ve had, and every time my heart was broken by a girl who didn’t think as highly of me as I did her. Okay, so it’s not every time just 95% of them which is plenty. I didn’t mention two people I dated because I genuinely care(d) for them but everyone else is fair game. The book involves everything from girls with lazy eyes not wanting to dance with me, the first date I ever went on which happened to be with a gang member, and in general how I managed to turn the entire female population against me. This is not one of those stories about conquests over women. It’s not about getting laid, being happy, or success in any way. It’s the anti-Tucker Max story. This is just about how incredibly fucking cruel life can be.

Now that you know what it’s about I need your help coming up with a title. I honestly have very few ideas on what to call it. Each chapter ends with me recounting what I learned from the girl and they’re always positive messages. Like for instance in one chapter I learn women are cruel and will take advantage of a sweet boy. In another chapter I learn I’m not as good-looking to a sober girl as I am when she’s drunk. It’s pretty fantastic and what I need from you is a title.

What should I call this bad boy so I can get started on getting rejected more frequently?

This isn’t your standard infomercial. I’m not going to try selling you an inferior product promising you rock hard abs or a vibrating condom that can cure male pattern baldness. Instead I am simply going to bug you once more about the first book I wrote because it’s a new year and I’m convinced people forget things from year to year.

I won’t try a hard-sell or anything because where will that get me? All I’ll simply say is I would be forever grateful if you bothered to read my book. I’ve got a few others written and am either in the process of editing them or staring at them screaming “Fucking make sense damn it” because they don’t fucking make much sense, damn it. Really, there are way too many plot holes. But not in this book I am promoting. It’s solid and makes sense. I wouldn’t sell you something I didn’t believe in. Before disrobing for a woman I always say “Hey listen, I know you’ve probably seen those Abercrombie and Fitch models and stuff. Look at my clothes. Do you see an Abercrombie and Fitch logo? No. I just want you to know what you’re getting yourself into.” Then I get naked and she tells me to pay her because she’s got to hand the money off to her pimp before the last train ride back to Harlem.

flight_time__special_k

(They make Harlem seem so much friendlier than we all know it really is. Thank you Flight Time and Special K)

But really what I’m trying to say is here’s a video I made from a Podcast I did back in October. If you want to listen to the full Podcast you can go here FULL EPISODE by clicking on the green download button and not the green start button in the advertisement like I did which caused me way too much trouble. But more importantly than that, this is a part of the recording where the focus is on me which I always enjoy.

For more information and direct links to obtaining a copy of this magnificent masterpiece you can go here SATAN LITTLE LEAGUE SUPERSTAR or like I lazily said, just Google it.

I will also say I don’t mind at all giving out a free copy to anyone. In fact, I would love to give you all free copies because that’s the kind of guy I am, one who desperately would like for more people to actually read this book.

For a free copy go to SMASHWORDS.COM, sign-up for a free account, click buy on the book, and then when asked for a coupon use XZ78R. This will knock the price down to $0 and you will be charged nothing. You don’t have to enter any credit card information or anything like that. It’s absolutely free and you can buy a million copies. Maybe not. But that would be really cool if someone bought 3 million copies. I think I’d get in trouble so don’t buy that many. But get one for yourself, your family, and all your friends. Or at the very least watch the video I made. I guess that’s it. If you read all this, watched the video, and made a purchase I probably took away 30 minutes of your time. I’m sorry, thank you.

P.S. Okay I had this sitting in the drafts since mid-December so I can add a little more, no? If you’re interested at all in a paperback copy those are also available. You can either buy it from Amazon or Create Space eStore or contact me directly and get it for far cheaper. I’ll let you choose your own price, granted it must be at least $2.79 but then there’s shipping and handling and by then you’re taking out a second mortgage. Contacting me directly means you also get a copy autographed by the author, Satan, and Jesus. Most importantly watch the video. It’s free, fun, and it’s almost even a little bit of a promotion for the book I let you all know about last week.

Oh speaking of last week’s book, thanks to everyone who picked up a free copy. Be sure to leave a review. I ended up giving out almost 150 free copies in those 3 days it was available so the more reviews the more likely someone might purchase it and I can afford to keep my electricity on. I’ll shut up now. Watch the video. And look at this picture of hot new releases! By that I don’t mean a fresh dog poo in wintertime either.

hot new releases

book cover jpeg