Underrated Less Than Popular Movies

I realized something recently. I hate Hollywood films. I feel real pretentious saying this. I feel like a Radiohead fan, you know, someone who only likes something because it’s cool to like it. Am I really supposed to believe Radiohead is good? The guy’s playing the guitar and crying half the time. Oh you think you’re ugly? How about you buy a new face. Oh look at me I’m Radiohead and I give away free things on my website because I’m a common man. Yeah, good idea. Wait until you’ve made your millions to do that. I fucking hate Radiohead.

Rather than discuss why I seem to enjoy independent films more than Hollywood ones like a douchebag Radiohead fan I want to let you know a few bigger budget films that are notoriously known for being bad yet I enjoy. For the record my favorite movies in order are The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly first followed by Taxi Driver second followed by a two-way tie between The Naked Gun and Dumber and Dumber. I probably should have stopped after the first two classics to earn your respect.

Vertical Limit: I love any movie that you can describe as Die Hard on a fill in the blank. This film is basically Die Hard on a mountain. I know Cliffhanger starring Sylvester Stallone really is Die Hard on a mountain but I want to talk about Vertical Limit instead because Sylvester’s lips scare me. The film is basically about a rescue crew going up Mount Everest’s redheaded twin brother K2 to save some people who fell down a hole in a mountain. There are a lot of intense and awesome death scenes involving hanging off cliffs and getting his by avalanches. I haven’t seen this movie in years and I was actually thinking about buying it recently. I didn’t though because I didn’t have the 50 cents Best Buy wanted for it.

(Such a 90s cover. Also, Robin Tunney and Bill Paxton are in this? I never knew I was such a Bill Paxton fan)

Frailty: This is a Bill Paxton movie. I remember the difference between Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton with this formula; Bill Paxton is in Big Love and Frailty which both have major religious themes. PAX is the name of the religious channel known for Supermarket Sweep and Wonder Years reruns. PAX TV as in Bill Paxton. Bill Pullman is best known for his roles in humorous films like Spaceballs and Mr. Wrong. Pulling someone’s leg is a phrase used for joking around. The root of “pulling” is pull and that makes me think of Bill Pullman, a funny guy. As far as this actual movie goes it’s really good and is about a religious serial killer who brainwashes his sons to help him. Seriously, this is a really good movie and you should see it.

(Why do serial killers always have to cut off heads? It’s so messy. Also the only thing stopping me from becoming one)

The Last Action Hero: Sharon Stone, Robert Patrick, Tina Turner, Chevy Chase, Little Richard, Jim Belushi, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Ian McKellan all thought so highly of this film they made cameos, several playing themselves or revisiting old characters. Some say this film destroyed Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career. The film is about a lonely teenage boy who gets a golden ticket from an old movie projectionist. The projectionist got the ticket from Harry Houdini backstage after a show and if you do the math that would mean the projectionist would have to be at least 80 years old in order to have had this happened based on when Houdini died. The kid gets sucked into the action film and has to help Arnie save the day even when the fictional characters enter the real world. I actually own this film and watched it as recently as a month ago because it’s so fantastic. Okay, maybe it’s not fantastic but it’s definitely not as terrible as everyone makes it out to be.

(Some say this ruined Arnie’s career. Others say I called him Arnie here because I didn’t feel like typing out his last name)

Wishmaster: For a time this was my favorite film. I’ve talked about it before and I’m going to talk about it again. This was a Wes Craven project about an evil genie who grants wishes in an insulting way. When he grants a wish for you then he gets your soul. Before my family had the Internet we had a book with every movie listed and a review of the film. Wishmaster had no stars. Instead it had a big fat turkey next to it. I immediately threw the book into a fire after seeing this. I don’t generally like horror films but this is one I could always get behind. I like when people wish for a million dollars and then their mothers die in plane crashes and they get the insurance money.

(Is this poster in Spanish? Maybe people in Mexico liked this movie. Even when a Mexican wish backfires it’s better than having a normal wishless Mexican life)

Little Big League: Films like The Sandlot and Rookie of the Year were popular in the 1990s for little boys and lesbians who were into baseball. I went in a different direction. I chose to be a fan of a film called Little Big League. The premise was something more akin to my interest. A little leaguer’s grandpa is the owner of the Minnesota Twins then croaks because that’s what old people do. This 12 year old boy becomes the Twins’ new owner and he has to prove he can do it. I’ve known probably since I was around 12 that I would never be a big leaguer so the next best thing would be to own a team. Unfortunately I can barely pay to play fantasy baseball so I’ll just have to watch this movie over and over again.

(Yeah because a child could handle the sports media world and give a press conference. Bullshit. Go fuck yourself reality)

Epic Movie: I know these guys get a bad reputation for putting together garbage films, but I think we all need to…okay I can’t go any further. Everything these guys do suck.

(Nobody even talks about 300 anymore which makes this film an even bigger disaster. Don’t worry about how far your breasts may sag, they will never flop as much as the writers of these films)

Dirty Work: Of all the movies I listed here this is the only one I ever watched in school. Once you find out the premise you’ll understand how it was relevant to my Ancient/Mediaeval History class. Norm McDonald and Artie Lange have always been great at getting revenge on people through pranks and such. When they’re in need of money they open up a revenge for hire business where they’ll do your dirty work for you. See how much this has to do with the Ming Dynasty. Although the film slows down in the third act as too many comedies do it still has a lot of great lines and gags. For you Chris Farley fans, and I know you’re out there and many because fat people always like Chris Farley and fat people also like looking at things on the Internet, this was the last film he ever did. Too bad it was a box office disappointment. Who would have thought Norm McDonald wasn’t a massive draw?

What are some movies you adore that nobody seems to understand your love for?

Blog Opening Credits

How can someone enjoy reading a blog if they don’t have opening credits to go with it? They won’t know who I am or who the guest stars are. So here it is, the opening credits to my blog.

These are the names of bloggers who were around to comment a lot in 2012. Stick around for 2013 and you can be famous too.

Film Majors

College kids are lame. There’s a reason why men on Craigslist always want college girls to come over and give them a massage. These creepy men know only an idiot would do such an uncomfortable thing. My time in college was pretty lousy. I wasn’t a film major as this title may suggest because my community college knew we weren’t good enough to stick with anything filmed over 22 minutes so they called the major TV/Radio. The thing is I meet a lot of film majors in my life whether current or graduated. Today I categorize film majors into the personalities and traits they have. Like the films they tend to make, they’re not very original.

1) The Artist – Nobody likes an artsy person despite what you may think. The only reason artsy people have friends is because they have no shame and they’re a good coat-tail to ride. Hanging around with an artsy person means you can meet other people who hate them as much as you do. The artist sees films as that, art. They’re pretentious and their attempts at being original confuse everyone. But they took a risk and they’re good at filming things in black & white so the teacher at least gives them some respect.

(The second image to come up on Google when typing “artistic college student.” As you can see, college kids have no artistic talent. Those flowers don’t even look like vaginas)

2) The Fan – This person became a film major because they love movies. For their birthday they got an AMC gift card and when they were 18 they lost their virginity to the center of a DVD. Some of their ideas are okay but most of all they want to be Siskel or Ebert without the cancer. They’d be better suited as an English major where they can learn how to write better and like other English majors, waste their time.

(Robert Deniro once took his fandom too far in a film called The Fan. Then he did it again this year with football and nobody seems to point out it’s the same movie with a different sport)

3) The Hot Chick – Why would a hot chick ever want to be a film major? I think when these fall through the cracks it’s a requirement for them to fill a class. Plus she’s insecure and knows everyone in the class will fawn over her. Her insecurity comes from when her dad used to film her play Robin Hood naked in the basement with her brother so she’s really trying to get back at the camera. Hot chicks who are interested in film should become actresses. Leave the creativity for guys like your child molesting dad.

(In a film class this chick is Scarlett Johansson)

4) The Average-Ugly Chick/Butch Lesbian – This makes up 90% of female film majors. What is it with lesbians wanting to make movies? You got Boys Don’t Cry and everything with Hilary Swank. The worst thing about dealing with these girls is you have to pretend like their idea isn’t bad. It’s rare a woman ever comes up to me with an idea and I think it’s brilliant. The biggest problem is women like to tell stories about themselves on film and quite frankly nobody wants to hear the story of some 20 year old girl’s life. Oh you love Twilight and your boyfriend hits you. Take a class on writing shorthand and fetch me my coffee.

(See, she’s fucking thrilled. She even has a state-of-the-art phone in her business)

5) The One Hit Wonder – When it comes to film majors these are the people who usually are the most normal. They’re really good at one aspect of filmmaking and the rest is a total fail. The biggest problem in my lessons in school was the teacher had to pretend we all potential to be good at every aspect. If he was an honest man he would have told the artist to pitch an original idea, have the fan check to make sure it hasn’t been done before then dumb it down, force the hot chick into starring in the thing, and then hand the ugly girls boom mics and tell them to stay out of everyone’s way. We probably could have made a good film if we all worked together. Instead we got 12 pieces of shit only highlighting our one skill. My skill of course was how great I was at not knowing what plugs went where.

(Put any electronical equipment in front of me and this is what I see)

6) The Time Waster – Have you ever met someone who you know is wasting their time on whatever it is they’re doing? Take a class on television and you will find a million of them, even if the class size is 6. There are so many people out there who think their ideas are so brilliant that it has to be on TV. Hey, I’m probably one of them. Specifically the time waster has no redeeming qualities and they’re usually pretty bossy. I find the best way to deal with a time waster, no matter what subject you’re supposed to learn about is to do a really piss poor job at whatever you task is and ruin any hopes they have of being the next Jenny Jones. The Time Waster makes me wish we lived in Roman days where they decided your job for you. The Time Waster’s job would be something involving human centipedes testing, at least I would hope so.

(Look how big this empire was. The Romans had the right idea on how to do things. Kill the weak and feed grapes to the strong)

What’s your least favorite college major? Mine would be photojournalists. I don’t like people who go to school to write captions.

Movie Fundraisers

I recently went on my old computer for the first time in over a year. The only reason I had been going on it was because I had a game I enjoyed playing downloaded there. It’s a fine enough computer. The biggest problem is I would have to keep the keyboard in my lap and the mouse would go on top of the computer tower since I have no computer desk. As you can see, I was headed toward scoliosis, carpal tunnel, and getting yelled at by keyboarding instructors all over for my improper setup. I found something strange on this old computer. I found my first attempt at trying to raise money for a movie I wanted to make.

The strangest thing about this movie is I don’t remember anything about it. I’ve had a lot of shitty ideas over the years and many stick with me. This idea though was different. This idea means nothing to. Below is a picture of the document I found on my computer from 3/13/2006:

I know what you’re thinking, what the fuck? I’m thinking it too. I was 18 whenever I made this contract. I was a senior in high school. Senior year was a crazy year for me because I was usually home from school by like 11. All I had time to do was make contracts. Rather than ignore this and move on I would like to analyze what a dumb person I was back then based on this document alone.

First off, why did I think putting the word “Official” made things official? This is something incredibly retarded. As we all know something isn’t official until it’s on Facebook. Back then Facebook only allowed college students onto their smug website and Myspace’s reliability was pretty low. I guess just putting the word “Contract” wouldn’t look right though. What kind of contract? If someone sees the word official they may find it legitimate. When I think about it I should have had it say “Legitimate Contract” so when asked “is this legit?” I could tap my finger on the word legitimate.

Clearly the formatting on this stinks. There’s a gigantic gap and the (print name) is floating in the middle of nowhere. I took so many classes on web design and typing and I was always very good at them yet I never could figure out how to format a Microsoft Works document. Yes, I said Works, not Word. Microsoft Word is for rich kids. Microsoft Works is for kids who have to type up their own lame contracts.

(Richie Rich has no excuse for being so unfashionable, he’s rich! Get a bow tie that fits and pants that won’t tempt a pedophile)

I’ll glance over the fact I had to specify US Dollars. Imagine how pissed I would have been if I got someone to donate to this unworthy cause and it was in Canadian loonies. Let me focus for a moment on the title of this project, Home Abortion Kit. This does sound like the title of something I might have wanted to make into a film. I remember writing up a Harry Potter parody YEARS ago (I stress years so you know I’ve grown as a human being) called Harry Squatter and the Sorcerer’s Bone. My idea of writing a funny movie used to be thinking of a bad porno movie title. The biggest flaw with the script other than I wrote it was there were too many Ichiro Suzuki jokes. I know, who? He was big when I wrote it, trust me.

I’m trying to piece together a potential plot to this film based on the title. I may be thinking now this was going to be a short instructional video I was going to make for a company I knew about. I only knew about the company because I somehow started talking to a transsexual online who had done films for them. Yeah, that last sentence has no errors in it. How did I think this would have been a good idea? What would I do, push girls down the stairs? I couldn’t even get a girl to tell me to watch out for a moving bus back then. How could I get one to agree to let me push her down some stairs as a gag?

(The worst before and after diet photo ever)

There are a few typos in the contract which I guess makes the “Official” at the top look like a lie. I enjoy the fact that I guess I was giving out refunds if I won in a contest? Is that what I was doing? If I won 2nd place I would give you half your money back? That’s not how movies work. Why was I so stupid? Even worse I actually thought this idea had potential. I thought I was going to, without any experience; win an independent short film contest. Certain people need to be knocked down and told their dreams stink. 18-year-old me was one of those people.

Suckerpunches

I don’t normally do film reviews but today I am. I will be reviewing the movie Suckerpunch. Why did I see this movie when I knew it would be bad? Well, there’s a pretty blonde on the cover with a few slutty friends in fishnets beside her and all are holding guns. I was renting this from the library and it was free so I figured why not give a movie a shot? Never judge a movie by its cover. I’d warn you about upcoming spoilers but I’d rather think of it as saving you time.

The film started off having good potential. It’s filmed uniquely, there’s an incredibly evil bad guy stepfather, and there seems to be a good story about vengeance. Then it goes downhill. The girl gets tossed into a mental institution and we never see the incredibly evil bad guy stepfather again and the story of getting vengeance on him never happens. Is this Hollywood’s way of trying to be original, by not going with the story we want to know?

(If Star Wars was first made today it would have been about a trip to White Castle or the night after a hangover filled with hijinx and random scenes that don’t really go together)

The plot quickly became the main character, Babydoll, getting a lobotomy. As soon as she’s about to get one she enters a different world in her mind, a strip club/orphanage where they do ballet. Yeah, what kind of David Lynch shit is this? Since there were many girls in their early 20s walking around with dancer’s bodies I stuck with it. I love a dancer’s body. They’ve got thick limbs and look taller than they really are. Is that so much to ask for from a woman, for her to be shaped like a tree?

(Whatever workout routine and diet this tree is on, ladies, follow it please)

When Babydoll did her first sexy dance she was transported to yet another world (stop trying to be Inception). Similar video game like worlds continued to pop up every time she does her sexy dance, a dance we never get to see. She is told by some random old guy (random because David Carradine died jerking off in a closet so they couldn’t get him) on how she can escape this strip club/orphanage. She has to gather up a few items, none of which is an interesting plot.

Babydoll tells her friends about her planned escape. Vanessa Hudgens is there because she can’t get in movies unless she dresses like a whore after she “accidentally” posted her 18 year old pubic hair online. The most mannish girl is reluctant at first but goes along with it because her lesbian haircutted sister wants to escape. They use Babydoll’s dancing to distract different men to get the items they need. Something tells me this dance was not the Jitterbug because the men in the movie seemed to really get distracted from what they saw.

(The Jitterbug dance is two black people fighting?)

Bad things started to happen like the lesbian haircut girl got stopped by a chef, Vanessa Hudgens snitched, and worst of all I was still watching. Babydoll and the mannish girl were all that remained and they attempted their escape. Babydoll had to sacrifice herself for the other girl to break away to freedom. This bugged me because the manly girl was not likeable at all. Why should I root for her to get away to freedom? She’s mean to her sister and an equal prick to everyone else.

The film cuts away to Babydoll back in the lobotomy chair getting her brain cut out. The doctor flinches because she looked at him funny “as if she wanted him to do it.” Then there’s some big scandal about how some doctor from the beginning is having sex with lobotomized girls. I must have missed something about how this is shocking or I should even care at all. Not that I am for lobotomized girls to get raped or anything. I’m so against it I even participated in a march over the summer for PARLG, People Against Raping Lobotomized Girls.

(The Spanish sector of PARLG protesting Tony Danza’s recent rape of a lobotomized girl. He showed her who the boss was)

The man girl got away and the movie goes on to try to say the story was about her and not Babydoll, you know, the girl the movie was about. This movie was one of the worst I have ever seen and I sat through a Madea movie. Yes the girls were attractive and slutty, the action was cool in some parts, but that doesn’t make it a good movie. This was clearly targeted for 14 year old boys who love video games and are scared of girls, I think. Or maybe it’s 14 year old bicurious girls who love video games. This movie was as bad as it looks and now I want to a lobotomy to forget about it.

(How did a movie with this suck so much? Oh now I get it, you’re supposed to feel like you’ve been suckerpunched for wasting your time. So clever!)

Spaghetti Westerns

I’ve casually mentioned before that my favorite movie of all-time is The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Any movie title that can fit two commas into it has my respect. I love commas. I even love comas. It’d be so cool to be in a coma. If I ever end up in one, make sure I get enough nutrients to get really thin. That way when I wake up I can stuff my face. But there’s more to TGTBTU (I know, that sounds like some sort of annoying liberal organization’s abbreviation) than it’s punctuation that I enjoy. Today I would like to share with you not only my love of spaghetti westerns, but the history of them.

The name spaghetti western comes from the fact that Americans are racists towards Italians. Read this next sentence slowly because the first time I found this out I was confused. Spaghetti westerns were made by Italian directors in the 1960s and they were about the American west and starred mostly Spanish actors from Spain. What’s shocking to me about this is that there is an entire genre based around that. That’d be like if the Japanese made a lot of romantic comedies based around 1980s Americans. We’d call them Sushi Romances. Leave it to Americans to assume that the only redeeming quality of a group of people is food that they are known for. I heard Israel is opening up a film studio specializing in detective films. Hebrew National Thrillers anybody? Things are different in places like Darfur. They don’t have any food. Their movies would be called the same thing as they are here. Where would their characters even go on dates to? The famous orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally would have taken places on a rock. A cheetah would have to “have what she was having.” I wonder whatever happened to the woman who had that line. I hope that pervert’s doing well.

(I didn’t realize how old she was. Eek! She’s probably dead)

The most famous of the spaghetti westerns were done by a guy by the name of Sergio Leone. That’s actually not true. He’s just the only guy I know of. This isn’t so much about spaghetti westerns as it is about the three movies of his I know. You see, this is the Internet. It’s easy to lie and get away with things. He was an Italian man with big poofy hair. Or maybe I’m thinking of Stanley Kubrick. I think all film directors with any talent have big poofy hair. Look at Michael Bay. He looks like he goes into the barbershop once a week. Stop making movies and start going around telling people you care more about your hair than storylines.

(There’s less wind here than there is on the moon yet somehow he managed to look like he’s been working hard)

Sergio’s first movie that I know of (remember, I never do any research for this blog, I wait until some ass-hat like you corrects me in the comments section) was called A Fistful of Dollars. I read that this is a near rip-off of a Japanese movie. I didn’t like this movie. It made no sense. The storyline was great, Clint Eastwood (more on him later) comes into a town and turns two gangs against each other playing both sides. The execution was kind of boring. All I remember were a bunch of Italian men pretending to be Mexicans diving out of a house while on fire. I know that sounds cool, but it isn’t.

The second in the franchise was called For A Few Dollars More. I guess it was a sequel yet it really had nothing to do with the original. This one was really good. It’s about Clint Eastwood (I swear I’ll get to him) teaming up with a good-guy bounty hunter and infiltrating a gang of bandits who have recently helped their leader escape from prison. The way they helped him escape was by throwing dynamite at his prison cell. One of the bad guys has a really bad hunchback and I’m pretty sure the main bad guy had a waxed mustache. If you don’t want to see it after this endorsement you have no taste. Hunchbacks and Captain Hook Mustaches? It’s like two Disney movies in one.

(Ugh Fan Fiction. Like a Mermaid would like to move to a place filled with dry heat)

Finally came TGTBTU. The basic story about this one is searching for buried gold. Clint Eastwood (next paragraph, pinky promise) has to decide which is better, teaming up with the bad or the ugly. Or maybe not. He doesn’t really team up with either unless he has to. The first hour of the film is all character development. The second hour is all about the journey to try to find the gold. And the final hour is figuring out how to get the gold. It’s very simple yet an epic movie. There’s only one boring part when a drunk Union soldier rambles about politics. Ugh, allegory!

The amazing thing about all of these films was that (I know, I promised to mention Clint Eastwood here, I’ll save that for last, sorry!) all of them were filmed in Italian. Or Spanish. I don’t remember and don’t feel like watching the DVD feature that I learned this. They would have to go back and overdub the lines of most of the actors because very few spoke any English. It’s somewhat noticeable, but most older movies are poor quality. This was the 1960s these came out in. There were bigger problems like getting to the moon and smoking in hospitals.

These films made Clint Eastwood’s career (there!). He went on to do a lot more and has been a great influence to someone, probably. I guess that’s all I wanted to say about him. Bummer. But he’s a complete badass in all of these movies and makes me wish I was a cowboy. I’d recommend these films to any guy I meet. Girls may or may not like them. They’re very “manly” films with cowboys farting and shooting guns and not making love like they do in today’s cowboy films. Didn’t a Japanese person direct Brokeback Mountain? That’s what you get for allowing more than one Axis of Evil country to depict your history.

(The only phallic shaped thing that should ever enter a cowboy’s mouth is a cigarette. Possibly the barrel a gun before being executed)

“I wanna be a cowboy baby.” – A guy whose most well-known song lyric is “bada ba bang da bang diggy diggy” and now rips off Lynyrd Skynyrd beats which had already been stolen

Scorpion Kings

What makes a woman fall in love with a man? I’m told that it’s a sense of humor, unwavering confidence, a friendly smile, and a strong overall personality. That’s what I’ve been told by single women who will die alone. They expect too much out of a guy. Their dream men are in dime novels portrayed on the covers by Fabio. I do agree that it’s personality more than anything that attracts one person to another. This is a good thing. It allows us odd-looking human beings to find a mate. Thing is, there are some guys out there with no redeeming qualities yet they get the girl. What do these guys have that I don’t? Tattoos? Rock hard abs? Unemployment checks?

The film The Scorpion King is a pretty good example of a similar phenomenon. The main character portrayed by the people’s champ The Rock is on a mission of vengeance against some guy who I’ve never seen in any other movie. He gets Kelly Hu to fall in love with him by murdering a lot of bad guys. Yes, he’s The Rock. He’s shaped like a God, has a bright white smile, and he’s multiracial. What is it about multiracial people that we love so much? They’re like a buffet of nationalities. The point is, he never really does anything to get the girl to really like him. Yeah he protects her, but he’s also the one who kidnapped her. It’s a pretty shallow lesson when you think about it. She clearly only liked The Rock for his looks. Never did he do anything romantic. Unless you count getting shot in the back with an arrow romantic. I don’t. I’m not conservative enough for that.

(“Catch this!” I think this is the third time in a week I mentioned The Rock. I think I should be shot with an arrow for nerdness)

Other films have similar antics. Recently I watched the Ryan Gossling film Drive. For a movie called Drive, there wasn’t much driving. I am happy though that the Incubus song didn’t make an appearance. I can’t like Incubus based on the fact that their band name comes from a demon who impregnates girls on the night of their first period and their big song has the lyrics “Whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there.” Whatever tomorrow brings? What if tomorrow brings her arriving at your place with your best friend in her pants? Stop being such pussies with an awesome band name. But anyway, in the film Ryan Gossling’s love interest falls for him almost immediately. I think all he did was help her with groceries. He has no real personality and never smiles. How can you love someone who never smiles? Yes, again like with the Scorpion King there’s a lot of saving and protecting. But policemen do that every day. That doesn’t make them sexy.

(Their interrogation tactics do!)

I haven’t seen it in a while, but Last of the Mohicans had a major love story to it. I don’t remember why or how they fell in love. It was love at first sight though. Similar to the whole Pocahontas shit. I’ve been through it before and I want to go through it again. There is no reason why John Smith could ever love Pocahontas for non-shallow reasons and vice versa. They spoke completely different languages. Didn’t she also die when he brought her back to England? Imagine that. He brought her back to meet his parents and she gets sick and dies. All that time she spent hanging around a raccoon yet it’s a head cold that kills her. John Smith was a shallow mind-controlling asshole.

The film Die Hard is guilty of this too in a way. Bruce Willis is separated from his wife and he goes to visit her in LA. He’s a New York City cop and he flies all the way out there for her stupid office party. He even brings her a big teddy bear. For you Europeans not familiar with the size of the US, that would be like flying from London to whatever is 3,000 miles away. After he manages to kill all of the terrorists single-handedly (the guy from Family Matters does kill Karl, I should give that bisexual black man some credit, yep the dad from Family Matters is bisexual) all of the arguments between he and his wife seem to be forgiven. I suppose if you follow through the series further their relationship doesn’t work out. So maybe this isn’t a very good example. But you did learn that Reginald VelJohnson is bisexual which could come in handy someday if you’re ever trying to get a threesome going.

(I guess when you own shirts like this you take whatever you can get)

Some credit should be given for any woman who has a thing with John Favreau on film. His characters are always so bleak and annoying. His face makes him even less appealing. As awful as his credits always are, he does have some charm and at least has a personality unlike so many action heroes. I could say the same thing about Ron Perlman. He’s basically Future John Favreau. What they have that these other love makers don’t are the things women in real life look for in a guy. These girls don’t just care about a strong moral code and the ability for their man to kill a lot of people.

So what is the appeal of a tough guy who doesn’t actually save the day? You know the type of person I’m talking about. Those Ed Hardy gangster wannabes with pencil thin sideburns. They always seem to get the girls. Girls with large breasts, thin waists, and empty heads. Dream girls. I need to have my family murdered. Then I will get vengeance and along the way meet a woman who will like me because I’m quiet and know how to kill men with my bare hands.

Visual Stimulations

I’ve never been all that into pornography. I know, a male born between the years of ever to present not being all that into porn sounds like a lie. I must be a rare commodity. I’m one in a million for real. I should tell this to girls more often. Say to them “Hey I’m not really that into looking at other people having sex. I truly am unique.” then they feel silly because we just met and they’re handing me back my change. Do you know what I hate about getting back change? I hate it when I get more than quarters in change back. I feel like they judge me that I keep the quarters. I need to do my laundry somehow. My breath, arm pits, belly button, and ass smell bad enough without having to wear dirty clothes. Don’t look at me funny when you see me going through my change. I’m doing it for your nostrils Indian woman at Dunkin Donuts with the nose stud. Stop trying to look 13. End Andy Rooney rant.

Despite my lack of pornographic aficionado-ism I do like looking as sexy images. Mostly in movies though. Without having the Internet at home or cable I have to make do with the DVDs that I own. Problem is I don’t really own any romantic comedies. Say what you want about their implausible plots and predictable endings. The stars of these films are usually attractive in some shape or form. All you have to do is ignore the crappy jokes, the moments of socially awkward attractive women falling down way more than humanly possible, and the tall handsome blue-collar men with beards that seem to have gone unnoticed by all other women on the planet who aren’t starring in this movie.

I’m looking at my DVD collection. That’s actually a lie. I’m sitting on my couch in the dark typing sitting on a blanket with butterflies on it. Let’s pretend I’m standing near my DVD shelf which also contains batteries, thank you cards, and a fingernail. Some of these movies are sexier than others. There isn’t much visual stimulation in some of them though. You may have to be a bit of a movie buff to know the exact scenes I’m talking about. If you’re unsure you should go out and watch it. Most of them are pretty old so I guess you can’t go out and watch them. Unless you’re one of those weird people who watch movies on their laptops outside. You don’t know how much I hope a rainstorm damages your movie night.

Full Metal Jacket:

Not a sexy film by any means. It’s a mostly male cast which could be a problem for a 110% straight guy like me. I can’t even eat the ends of hot dogs or mushrooms because of what they remind me of. Penises. I guess the best scenes to look at for sexual stimulation would be the famous “Me So Horny” part or the end when they kill the female sniper and she begs them to kill her. Sorry if that’s a spoiler. The movie is as old as I am. If you haven’t seen it yet that’s your own fault. The “Me So Horny, Me Love You Long Time” chick isn’t that terrible to look at. At least she’s not dying like the sniper in the last scene. I choose that part, the one with the Vietnamese prostitute over the one with the dying Vietnamese sniper. There’s nothing sexy about dying. The Grim Reaper doesn’t have enough sex appeal for me to ever enjoy it.

(The only marines you can see in this are fat or wearing glasses. We had nerds fighting in Vietnam. No wonder we lost)

Reservoir Dogs:

Again, another mostly male cast. The only instance I remember a woman appearing was the pregnant chick that Mr. Orange shoots in the car. Now you can’t really tell that she’s pregnant or anything. She’s only on-screen for a brief moment. What this means is that I wouldn’t feel creepy being aroused by an expecting mother. She does reach for a gun in her glove compartment and that’s what gets her shot. Chicks with guns are always sexy. I’ve never shot a gun, but would love a subscription to a magazine like “Babes & Ammo” if that’s even real. I’d go into something critical of the jumper the woman wears in the scene, but I won’t because I’m not quite sure if that’s what she was wearing or even what a jumper is. There’s not much of a choice for this film. I have to go with the pregnant lady that gets shot by the Lie to Me guy.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:

I sure do love guy movies with guns. This Clint Eastwood classic, everything but the wagon painting shit of his is classic, does contain a few more woman than the previously mentioned. There’s the Spanish woman in the beginning whose husband gets killed. I don’t think she talks at all which is a plus when it comes to women. Then there’s the part when Angel Eyes finds the woman in the hotel and smacks her around a bit. Again, a pretty arousing scene to see a woman get slapped by a renegade cowboy. I’m kidding, sort of. There’s also a fat woman during one of the hanging scenes with large breasts. She doesn’t do much other than act disgusted at the crimes committed by Tuco, the Ugly. Am I boring you with my knowledge of this film? It’s my favorite so excuse me for that. Clint Eastwood at this point in his life kind of had a female model’s body too. Really tall and thin. If it wasn’t for his five o’clock shadow I would consider any scene he was in as visually stimulating.

(He even stands like a stuck up girl getting yelled at by her mother)

The Mighty Ducks/The Sandlot:

These are just about the same film. I was going to put Bad News Bears in here (I know the original and remake), but don’t feel like trying to come up with a reason why I find Marcia Gay Harden sexy. Too hard! The Mighty Ducks and The Sandlot mostly only have the moms who are sexy, sort of. The mom in The Mighty Ducks is a widow. You know what that means. She’s desperate for attention! The mom in The Sandlot has remarried Denis Leary. All this means is that she doesn’t mind having sex with Bill Hicks cover-comedians. I think the mom might also be Karen Allen who for some reason I do have sexual tension with. Yes, tension. The Sandlot also has the hot lifeguard. If she wasn’t 18 when that was filmed add in “hot to the children” to the last statement.

Fahrenheit 9/11:

Politics aside, this was a pretty good film. I agree less and less with Michael Moore the “moore” he opens up his fat mouth. I like that his last name is Moore because that’s always what he asks for, more. I know, silly fat joke. But stop complaining about the economy. You’re fat. You’re clearly doing well. I haven’t watched this film in a while. But if I had to find something visually stimulating about it I’d probably have to go with clips of Condoleeza Rice. She doesn’t really do anything for me in normal situations, but we’re going hypothetical. If I had never seen a woman before then sure, why not get with Condy? She’s got a nice smile–if you squint. She’s a powerful dominant woman who has proven that she can carry her own. That’s got to be a turn on for me, right? Okay, maybe I’ll skip this one. All of the 9/11 footage would make it almost impossible to get aroused at all. You could throw out as many nude girls as you want at me during this film, I just don’t think I could get anything out of it.

(Definitely the face I’d see if Condy ever read my blog)

What are the least sexy films you own? I bet you’re overlooking something. Really, stretch hard for it. This will be harder for men of course. Women could find SAW sexy if they’re into The Princess Bride. You know, for nostalgic reasons.

Gladiators

Something that every boy thinks about at some point is what it takes to be a man. Lots of cultures have some sort of stepping stone. The Jews have the Bar Mitzvahs. That’s where you gather up everyone you know, they give you presents, then you spit in Yiddish onto an old book of advice thousands of years old. You can’t not spit speaking Yiddish. I think spitting on itself means “good morning, well wishes” in Yiddish. There are some tribes in the world where it takes getting circumcised to become a man. Others where you have to kill a lion. What if while attacking the lion he claws off your foreskin then you kill him? Does that make you double man? As uncivilized as this seems, there needs to be some sort of passage to adulthood for everyone. Something that proves to us that we are now men.

First in order to know what it takes to be a man, you must know what a man is. A man is a male with a bigger penis then a 10-year-old. Yep, that’s it.

Now that you know what a man is we can go onto how to make a man. In Western cultures there are a few options when you officially cross-over to being a man. The most obvious is the first time a boy has sex. That makes you a man, right? Getting a girl to drink beer and pass out? That’s so easy! Girls love beer and other alcoholic beverages. The moment a girl becomes an alcoholic is when they realize their life might be worthless if they don’t give birth. And giving birth is a horrendously disturbing moment. Something THAT big has to come out of something this big? Ummm, no. Another passage to manhood could be when a boy turns 18. All he has to do is survive puberty. That doesn’t seem fair. There are plenty of wimps who do that. It’s like graduating high school. Anybody can do that. Show up and you’ll graduate. Show up and don’t be drunk I should say. Principals are kind of dicks about that. The only other thing I can think of that we see as making an adult is when we vote. I don’t think that’s right at all. Making a decision makes you a wrong decision makes you a man? All 18 year olds do anyway is vote for the Democrats. I think it’s funny when Republicans win. Have you been to a mall? It’s filled with 18 year olds. How do the Democrats not completely overrun this country? Old people can’t control their bladders but they can get in their cars, run over a pedestrian, and cast their ballot for an old white Republican. Voting is easy. If you’re under 50, vote Democratic. Over 50, vote Republican. Then we’ll get a tie and the candidates can possibly battle it out, like gladiators.

I had a girl once say to me that she wished more men were like real men. I took off the sundress I was wearing and sat down next to her to hear more. She explained that to her a real man was a guy who would sacrifice himself for her. A man who feared nothing. A man with honor. She said her ideal man was Maximus from the movie Gladiator. Huh? A fictional character who can’t protect his family and ends up getting killed by Joaquin Phoenix? That’s not a man. Joaquin Phoenix stinks. He stabbed stupid Maximus, who by the way wasn’t very loyal to his dead wife since he started falling for that other lady, and killed him. How does a man with a name that starts with a “J” yet is pronounced like a “W” kill you? I heard that Joaquin doesn’t even kill spiders when he finds them yet dumb Russell Crowe manages to go through all the shit he did to get stabbed by Joaquin, who if you remember wasn’t even very well-trained. Maximus was a well-trained soldier and Joaquin was a gay prince or whatever his title was. Russell Crowe should have let himself die right away and he would have saved a lot of aggravation for everybody. Oh, you might say he saved the dumb kid from his evil uncle but remember, that kid now has to live with seeing his uncle stabbed to death in front of him. That is damaging. Maximus was not a real man. He was a slave named after the butt muscle.

I’ve told you what a man isn’t and I’m still no real closer to finding out what really does make a man. Is it the power in his hand? Or his quest for glory? It’s not really something we need to think about all that much. One day you probably wake up and just are a man. But why the rush to being known as a man? Men pay taxes. They work 40+ hours a week. They drink because they can’t stand their wives. They have to shave every morning. They tuck their shirts in. Men hold doors open for women. Men also don’t care about the feelings of others. This being a man thing sounds so complicated. Best course of action, be mature. Worst course of action, get killed by the brother in Signs.

“Do you like movies with gladiators?” – an airplane pilot asked me this once

String Theories

Donnie Darko is a film about a teenage boy who travels through time, I think. Nobody really knows what the movie is about. Just like how nobody really knows what BUDDHAKAT!!! means. A cat that has reached Nirvana? Seth Rogan is one of the bullies in Donnie Darko which you may not have known. He has only a few lines, one of which being “Lets get the fuck out of here.” It’s a movie that you either love or hate. Unless you’re me. I can’t decide whether or not I like it. The colors are pretty, the theme is dark, and I’m impressed that they got both Gyllenhalls to play siblings. It doesn’t take much for me to like a movie. Just put on two relatives and it doesn’t matter how little I get the plot. I will still enjoy your film.

The main theme of Donnie Darko is about string theory, I think. Shit. This movie is really confusing. Almost as confusing as string theory itself. For those scientifically retarded individuals reading this, string theory is basically the idea of being able to travel on different “strings” of time. It’s almost like you have multiple paths you can go down. You follow the string to meet your destiny. Honestly, I might be completely wrong as to what string theory really is. That’s what I gathered from flipping through a few pages of a book about it and reading the Wikipedia summary of Donnie Darko. Science isn’t my best subject. Home Economics has that distinction.

One string theory I do understand is the one about the piece of string I found in my parent’s bedroom when I was around 10 years old. I was playing with my sister (not like that you pervert!) and we found a piece of string. I don’t remember the color. All I do remember was that it was a short piece of string. Yarn perhaps.

(Warning: This is as cute as this post is going to get. The rest is very gross)

Being 10 years old, my mind assumes that all adults do when they’re in a bedroom together is have sex. I wanted to believe that my parents were in a happy and healthy relationship so I believed that every time they went into the bedroom it was their honeymoon all over again. That’s where my string theory came into play.

Using my lackluster knowledge of science, I concluded that the string I found beside the bed must be some sort of sexual device. For what exactly? How can one small piece of string possibly cause extreme sexual arousal? Well, here’s a list of things that I can think of that you could use string for to get off on.

(Nazi puppet on the right?)

Puppet Master: The string is tied around the penis in a loop with another strand free to tug on. It doesn’t matter what part it is tied to. All that matters is that the penis is fastened in tightly like it‘s about to go on some extreme sporting event. The partner (or wife, because gay sex is a sin) will pull on the string and make the penis wobble to and fro. This action will resemble a marionette puppet and if the kids were to walk in you can always put on a cute show until you can think of a better excuse.

(Native Americans rioting by burning sticks and figs)

Indian Burn: Place the string below the penis and pull each side of the string upwards. Pull the string back and forth (this will be an up motion) causing the penis to receive an Indian burn. The quicker, the better. This would only be suggested for those who are into inflicting or receiving pain. I know who you are! And I want your phone number.

(This was taken in 2003. He still hasn’t figured it out)

Chinese Finger Trap: Both partners tie an end of the string around their erect nipples while facing each other. Then you take a step backwards until it stretches your nipples even further, guaranteeing arousal. The act resembles that of a Chinese finger trip. The device created by the Chinese where the stereotype of them being sneaks came from. There’s no real escape from this. Unless you count escaping a life of sexual repression.

(You don’t know how hard it is to find an Indiana Jones photo)

Indiana Jones: The female partner lies down on her back, legs up in the air. The male partner (or female partner, lesbian sex isn’t a sin) takes the string and in a whipping fashion, whips the vagina of his female partner as hard as he can. Be sure to hit the clitoris. That’s where girls like to be touched. I’ve read that in Cosmopolitan and my sister’s diary.

(Did we really defeat Communism when this was in style?)

Rat Tail: The female in the relationship places the string into her vagina with only one little piece hanging out. This will look like the tail of a rat if done properly. The male’s job is to slowly pull the string it. This is a very rare yet satisfying sexual activity that has been handed down from incestuous family to incestuous family. Also, do not pull too quickly. It could be hazardous.

That’s where my 10-year-old mind was at. I really believed that my parents could do such horrible activities to each other while I tried sleeping on the other side of the wall.

To this day string still freaks me out a little bit. I wonder where it has been and why it smells like balls. I can’t wear hoodies with the strings in them and always have to cut the strings on the blinds off whenever I enter a room. I can’t eat string cheese. Stringer Bell from The Wire made me feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter what form the string is in. Thin. Thick. Long. Short. All string reminds me of is my parents being passionate. It makes me almost want to hang myself, but a noose reminds me too much of string.