Posts Tagged ‘friends’

My apologies for sticking with the theme of educate themed lists and why childhood is awful. This just happened to be the next on my list of things I originally posted and I’m not about to change!

I attended Community College and during that time I stayed in touch with a few friends who went to four-year colleges. Many of these friendships continued through broken promises and consistent lies. I’m not sure what happened to most of them. My guess is they never existed and I’m nothing more than a dying war veteran living an illusion.

Ten Lies University Students Tell Their Community College Friends

1) “We’ll still hangout a lot.” – Half of my friends went to a four year school and half went to community college. I didn’t see a single one of my four year university friends after they went left town to continue their education ever again. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. I saw one or two of them and it was only because they ended up dropping out. The rest of them disappeared off the face of the earth. These were really good friends of mine too. My guess is they have high security government jobs. There’s no way they stopped talking because I have personality flaws, right?

2) “I’ll be home every weekend.” – Do you know what the only thing worse than a friend ditching you for a new life is? It’s a friend ditching you for a new life and still living five minutes away. Coming home every weekend changes to once a month and then it changes to only coming around on holidays. Then when you ask them to do something they are too busy with their family or worse, they actually do hang with you and they don’t shut up about college.

3) “The people here are great.” – I may have never attended a four year university, but I have begged for change on campuses enough to know a bit about the culture. College kids are not any better than anyone else. I think as a freshman it may seem like you are meeting a lot of diverse personalities. Reality is you’re meeting a lot of the same people who just have a different hometown listed on their license. By the time a college kid becomes a junior, they start to realize their friends aren’t as cool as they once were.

4) “It’s a lot of work.” – Is it? College seems to be 30% drinking beer, 30% sleeping around, and 30% cramming because you spend 60% of your time drinking and sleeping around. As for the missing 10%, I think that’s spent on the phone with your friends at home telling them lies.

5) “You wouldn’t understand.” – When a university student becomes an elitist it’s time to cut them off. College seems to either help people appreciate things more or it turns them into real life Lisa Simpsons. Unfortunately the latter seems to happen a lot more frequently. Sure, a lot of university students are more intelligent than their community college counterparts. That does not mean I am incapable of understanding metaphysical science. If there’s a Wikipedia page for it, there’s a chance I can learn it.

6) “This is a great story.” – No great story ever starts off with those words. Did the opening text to Star Wars have those words in it? Nope. That carefully chosen opening text was placed there for a purpose and was incredibly helpful. I’m not saying community college kids don’t lie about stories being great. I do believe stories about community college are better though. Community college students fall down a lot more often. A story about falling down is closer to greatness than a story about getting accepted into a graduate program. Who wants to hear about other people succeeding?

7) “The living arrangements are comfortable.” – Sleeping in a small room with someone of the same sex is comfortable? Sign up for the army if that’s your cup of tea, the Danish army. I’m not sure why I have it out for the Danish. They make a great breakfast treat. The college living arrangements could make a cockroach leave town. Communal bathrooms, shared housing, and lack of privacy are all human rights violations. While all of my university friends were sharing a room with someone else I had my own room with an empty bed and no one to talk to. Okay, this one might be a draw.

8) “I’ve hooked up with so many people.” – I don’t doubt university hooking up is a lot higher than at community colleges. I believe the average age for a community college student to receive their first kiss is 34. Still, I find it unlikely that some of my friends made-out with as many girls as they claim. The closest I came to kissing a girl at community college was the time when I was talking to a girl who spit when she talked.

9) “I’m going to get a job right after I graduate because I worked hard and am qualified.” – And then they see the equally as qualified and experienced millions competing against them. That’s the moment they text me for the first time in four years asking how I am and if I know anywhere hiring. I wish this one was made up. I hate that guy.

10) “You didn’t miss much at college.” – Are you kidding me? The way people I know who went to four year schools talk about it I would swear my life will always have that empty void. I mean, it’s great not to have any debt. At any moment I could go live off the grid. When you pay to go to college you aren’t just paying for the education. You are also paying for the experience. I’m not sure you can put an actual price on an experience. I missed out on fraternities, pranking the dean, legendary red cup parties, tuition meetings, pregnancy scares, and everything else that makes up the college experience. Don’t patronize me. Community college was delightful for what it was, a cheap alternative. Community college is like the direct-to-video film Snakes on a Train while a four year university is like the cult classic Snakes on a Plane. Both have a lot of awful things about them; one is just a little bit better and more rewarding. Will I send my current non-existing kids to a four year college? You better believe for my wallet’s sake I am going to do everything I can to make my kids outstanding athletes or vocational school bound.

commuity college map

(According to this chicken pox inspired map, there are more community colleges in Alaska than Nevada. I’m not surprised either. People in Nevada actually invited Carrot Top to go there and perform every night)

Way too many advertisements pluck away at our insecurities. I think that’s the biggest reason why people hate themselves. We’re told we are supposed to have nice skin just because Jessica Biel does or whore is currently under contract with the “Splash some water on your face” acne cream commercials. I don’t think Jessica Biel works anymore. I think her career went downhill when someone finally saw one of her movies and was like “Hey, that’s not very good.”

jessica-biel-beach-body-986156210

(Watch out Jessica! The 1930s Dust Bowl is behind you! Grab your pants)

It’s a very sleazy way to advertise your product. Some are more subtle than others. Like Wendy’s always make it seem like you’re a loser if you don’t have friends to eat heart-attack food with. Most of the time I have meals with other people it has something to do with dying. Either it’s a funeral, an anniversary of a death, or someone in the corner is choking.

WendyOutake1

(How does a woman who behaves like this always have so many friends to grab a meal with? Oh right because she’s playful with her food and mimics oral sex with it. Being a woman is so easy!)

The worst ones are the advertisements that make sure believe we need surgery to be normal. What is normal anyway? George Bush was supposedly a C student. That’s average. So the average person is a millionaire oil tycoon who once owned the Texas Rangers. How does that make me feel? Not very good.

The real key I find as I grow older is to be insecure only for the sake of being aware. Insecurities are only a problem when they destroy your security with living an average, or as we have learned George Bush, life. Everyone has something gross on their bodies. Even more people have something gross on their face (usually their giant noses). Whatever you are insecure about let it be and don’t buy a facial cream, Subway sandwich, or gun to solve it.

Sasquatch, Yeti, the Abominable Snowman, Bigfoot, every tall overweight hipster trying to be ironic, Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth, Pete Howorth, and a few other names are what the iconic missing link goes by. I’m not here to talk about him/them though. I’m going to post a few links from other blogs I think you should check out.

Kidz Showz Linkz

What’s been going on over at Kidz Showz?

1) I wrote a wonderful piece on the 2013 Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards

2) Lily wrote up a wonderful piece on Pokemon

3) And we had our best guest post yet on Sid the Science Kid

We’re always open to letting others do guest posts, especially since I get lazier as the weather gets warmer and Lily actually goes out and does things.

Miami Carlins Fantasy Baseball Links

Most of what I write here would go over your heads since you don’t follow baseball. A few things I have written are actually purely humor and you don’t really need to know much about sports to appreciate them.

1) The Houston Astros baseball team this season might be one of the worst. I wrote something for CollegeHumor that they turned down because they hate me. It’s so funny my dad shared it on Facebook. He never does that.

2) One of my top players is apparently too fat for opening day. Read about my frustrations.

3) I also wrote a poem which no one will understand but it’s actually brilliant if you know anything about how the Miami Marlins were screwed over by their owner.

Other Stuff

1) Imagine how strange I felt when I went into my WordPress Reader and saw a gigantic picture of me on someone else’s blog. I was creeped out until I read further and saw it was a very genuine and honest review of my first attempt at writing something autobiographical. It’s nice to know people actually are pretending to have enjoyed it because I left a lot out like the good moments I had doing stand-up comedy or why I was such an uncomfortable person who felt the need to receive attention from strangers. Hopefully the next autobiographical thing I write answers a few of those questions. I also came up with a title for the book I asked for your help with so I have to start actually doing more with that now. But take my word for it. This one is more than twice as long as the stand-up book and it’s even more heartbreaking and funny. It’s one thing to get insulted by drunk strangers. I think it’s even funnier to get turned down and rejected by people you genuinely care about. At least funny when it happens to someone else.

2) It’s almost a month old, but during a series of posts he did, a certain blogger paid a tribute to me. And I don’t mean paid a tribute in some sacrificing another human being way. He just actually managed to write a few nice things about me for once.

3) For some reason I don’t think I ever posted this even though it’s been over a month. I think it was after the weekend where I didn’t do anything except lie in bed watching movies and TV shows. There’s a brief mention of me in there.

And after you check out any of the things I mentioned here you should go out check out the rest of their blogs. They’re all great and unique and different from one another.

Sasquatch Wild Man Of The Woods Elder Brother Bigfoot Yeti

At some point in the beginning of January Janice at Your Daily Dose said she was going to forego making New Year’s Resolution and instead making monthly resolutions. Jumping at the chance to succeed and rub this success in her face, I agreed to participate. This time, jumping too fast into choosing my resolution, I decided my monthly resolution would be to make a new friend. There was some debate in my head as to what I should make my resolution and this seemed like the best one for the entire world and the least selfish because hey, being friends with me is a gift in itself, right?

Since I couldn’t do this all on my own I enlisted the help of a friend I had not seen in over 3 years. He was a stand-up comedian friend of mine who I had kept in touch with over the years. We’d fill each other in on how our lives were going. Usually it went “Are you happy?” “No. How about you?” “No.” And then we remembered why we became friends in the first place.

crying-kids

(Pretty much us)

We agreed to meet up one night at the place we used to go drinking at after shows or during shows when we were supposed to be outside bugging people in Times Square to buy tickets to see a subpar comedy show. This was a place we had a lot of memories at. One time he ordered quesadillas and they never came after an hour even though the waitress kept saying they were almost ready. This was the same place where a group of 10 drunk guys asked me which waitress I would rather sleep with and in a very philosophical way I broke down how I would sleep with the bustier one but I would marry the thinner more friendly one. They seemed amazed that someone could think so logically about life.

On my way to the bar/restaurant I had hoped to maybe make a friend. I had purposefully given myself some bed head without using any gel so I looked pretty cool. There was a girl on the train with a goofy hat who I think wanted me to talk to her because she sat down near me. If not for the giant red pimple on her chin and the possibility of her being 17 I would have.

When I actually got into New York I had thought maybe I could make a friend walking through Times Square. I had never actually made a friend this way before but I have had great conversations there with strangers. I was at around 47th street when a cute girl leaned in to me.

“Can I ride your face?” she said. Well, no. That’s what I heard. I asked her to repeat it. She tried again and said, “Do you know where the H&M is?” I pondered about it. I had no clue but I’ve learned in New York City you want to pretend like you know your way around. I tried getting more information out of her like if she knew anything it was near. She had no idea. I gave her half-assed directions and she thanked me. I apologized because I hadn’t been to New York in quite some time. Neither had she. I asked where she was from. She was from Edison, New Jersey the town I lived in the first year of my life. We began to talk more and she knew the street I lived on and her dad was actually from the town I live in now. It was weird. It was magical. It was destiny.

love_at_first_sight_by_metadragonart-d3g4i2h

(Could it be? Had I made a friend for life?)

“Okay well thanks then. Have a good night.” she said before we even got started on our life together. She was with an even more awkward friend. They continued on in search of their store and I didn’t look back. It wasn’t meant to be. Plus she blinked too much.

I arrived at the bar/restaurant and found my friend outside. I snuck up and smacked him in the head. He told me I 1) looked taller 2) had a less girly/teenager voice 3) seemed more mature. The first thing I did was smack him in the head. How immature did I used to be?

immature

(How I used to be. I’m the pirate in the middle)

We went inside and hopped upstairs where things were less frantic. We sat down and immediately began to check out the room and any potential female suitors. There wasn’t much so we caught up on old times. We whined to each other about other comedians we hate and how unfunny so many of them are. I swear we’d be banned from ever telling a joke ever again if some people heard the honest things we were saying.

Our food arrived, we ate, and I tried figuring out which waitress I should try to befriend. There was the heavyset one who was taller than me. Okay, no way. She could beat me up. Then there was the blonde one who had been doing most of the work for us. She was cute and friendly but had something wrong with her face. Not on my friend’s list missy! Finally there was a small brunette who pretended I didn’t exist except for when my friend got up to use the bathroom. She approached me and said “Hey I didn’t want to do this in front of your friend but can I ride your face?” Actually that’s what I heard. What she really said was “Are you guys doing alright?” So maybe I could look into this deeper and she was offering to sit on my face. I’m not sure. I don’t understand many social cues.

Not long after we left. My buddy was nice enough to walk me 20 blocks down only to find out the station was closed. I walked to two more stations to try finding the train home before finally finding one that was open. I even tried to have a conversation with other people having the same trouble. I said “I think the one on 22nd street is open!” They didn’t say a word. Why am I social cancer?

shy-animals

(This bunny has more shyness than I do and I bet he even would have gotten a response)

I got into the train and on the second stop a girl sat down next to me. There were plenty more open seats (like my face for instance) but she chose to sit to my right. I gave her the creepy man’s test which is to smack my knee into her every so often to see if it scared her off. It didn’t! Had I made a friend? Or had she not really even been thinking about it because the only reason she was sitting next to me was so she could stare at the studly Australian guy sitting across the train car? I’ll never know because what could I have ever said to her, “Hey, I’m going to smack my knee into yours and see if it bothers you”?

Only two days later I no longer felt the immediate need to make a new friend. Making new friends would be nice and I’m still on the lookout, but why do I need to force it? It will happen when it happens. I have other things I’m trying to accomplish right now. Plus, who likes the hero in a story to succeed in the first act? Nobody. Time for round two.

In my attempt to share as much with the world as I possibly can because I’ve found more good happens the more I share, I am going to let you all in on a part of my life that I’ve been somewhat quiet about. I try to make it no secret what I want in life. I want a mansion, chicks banging at my door to get in just to look at me, and happiness forever. I’m actually afraid of mansions (horror films), chicks never bang at my door to look at me (my face), and in general I’m pretty miserable (again, my face). All that aside there is still something I’ve convinced myself I can do. I want to get paid to write movies, TV shows, and anything else I can.

Sometimes when I tell people what it is I want to do I feel like a little boy. It is a little boy’s dream. It was my little boy’s dream. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be Mel Brooks. I met my best friend of 20 years because we both loved Spaceballs in kindergarten. In a way my life was kind of scripted out how it would go. Although I didn’t get real into writing until about 3 years ago, it was always in the back of my head that it was something I wanted to do. I saved up my money for my entire life thus far so I could have the opportunity to have more time to pursue this dream. I’m unemployed now but because I was responsible (cheap) for the last 25 years I can relax a bit and go after what I want without having to tie myself down immediately to a crappy job.

crappy%20job

(Who said a uniform makes a job a good one?)

Okay this introduction was boring. What I really wanted to tell you blog friends was the first step I took toward my little boy fantasy. There’s this website called The Blacklist. Wait until I’m finished to check it out. Basically it takes the best scripts as judged by Hollywood professionals and they use an algorithm to determine the favorites each year. At the end of the year a list is produced. Many of these films go on to become major motion pictures. Argo and Django Unchained are two recent films that made this list not too long ago. What I’m saying is getting on this list means you’re a lot closer to getting that mansion with the whores.

In the fall this website opened up to the public. Everything I read about this opportunity seemed real legitimate. All you had to do was pay $25 a month to host the script on the site and any of the professionals could download it at any time. In November I finished up something I had started on Memorial Day and paid the $25 submission fee. Not too many people looked at it so I paid an extra $50 to get a guaranteed review. While sitting at my dad’s on New Years Eve because I have no friends, I got an email saying I received my first ever professional review from a real-time professional pro reading professional pro person. They get paid to do this is what I’m saying.

buddy 2

(How I spent my New Years Eve)

Now if you don’t mind, I would like to share with you the review I was given. I’ll put any of my comments in italics nearby:

PREMISE
7/10
PLOT
5/10
CHARACTERS
7/10
DIALOGUE
6/10
OVERALL
7/10
(Not bad so far. The average rating on the site when I got this rating had an overall 6.82, it has since gone down to 6.79 which means I am above average. I was going to be happy just knowing I got above a 4 considering nobody else had ever read past page 10 of the script)

Era: Present day

Locations: the Middle Eastern city of Nakajabulahantishistamene (I love the fact that they had to type this all out)

Budget: Medium

Genre: Comedy, Spoof/Parody

Pages: 107

Logline:When an all-American rocker loses his popularity, a terrorist recruiting center in the Middle East hires him to write popular music that will appeal to young, aspiring terrorists. (It’s really supposed to be a caricature of the Proud to be an American singer as an arrogant asshole, but I guess their logline sounds more professional)

Strengths:This is a bold and outrageously unique premise in the hands of a writer who ultimately has the right sense of humor to handle it – a strong and consistent comic voice throughout this script with truly funny, tongue-in-cheek prose. Cliff is a distinct and laughable character, and the use of certain comic motifs (like the Nickelback jokes) really add to the script’s humor. (I like to think nothing else in the history of the world has had comic motifs surrounding Nickelback jokes)

Weaknesses:If this script has one major weakness, it’s that its plot doesn’t develop as much as it could. While the plot is generally well-paced, with things happening to the characters, there isn’t really an overriding tension, or developed enough central dramatic conflict, to keep the audience engaged in the story. While the consistent humor may succeed in keeping the audience engaged anyway, a bold premise such as this has more potential to make a political/cultural statement with its plot, engaging an audience on an intellectual level, than this script currently does. If Cliff experienced more of a character arc (even if it was to become more despicable), it may make the plot more engaging. On a lesser note, some of the dialogue – especially in the third act – feels excessive, affecting the overall pacing of the script and losing the audience’s attention. For example, Cliff’s several lengthy monologues may pack more of a punch if shortened or broken up by some action.

Prospects: While the writer’s talent and comic intent is clear, this script nevertheless uses some bold stereotypes that may limit its potential audience and make it a risky venture for major studios and certain production companies. That said, with very specific packaging(actors/creatives who have previously pulled off this type of irreverent comedy), and perhaps some attention to the above-mentioned weaknesses, this script may have the potential to market well, especially with 18-24 year old males.

Okay so I didn’t put too many italics in there because it seemed tedious to do. I have since uploaded two new versions which I believe help fix what was wrong with it. The funny thing about it is they say the Third Act is a little weak. The Third Act is where I did half-ass it. I had no idea what to do. I stopped writing it for 2 months I was so lost. All this makes me think is how much intuition I have into knowing what works and what does not work. Or maybe I’m just right about one thing. Either way, this made me really happy to find out the same things they found wrong with it were the same things I thought they might.

If you want to take away anything from this post it’s that I’m awesome and you should go out and take a risk for something you want because you might be pleasantly surprised and have it make you really happy like this did. Look for Friends With Terrorists to open in theaters sometime in 2078 when it is incredibly easy to get a movie made.

Sleepovers, better known as up all night giggle fests, are something every child should experience. Only few times did I ever spend the night away from my own bed when I was younger. Usually whenever I did it meant one of my parents put the other in the hospital or my parents were having ravenous loud makeup sex after the one who was in the hospital had gotten out. Today I do my best to remember my first up all night giggle fest and all the crazy events that took place.

I was probably in 4th grade when I was invited to my first up all night giggle fest. It was rare I was invited to parties when I was younger because I was me. One time a classmate had a birthday party at a bowling alley. I wasn’t invited. I was so uninvited that I didn’t even know about the party. I went bowling with my family and guess who was 3 lanes over, all my friends without me. I can’t say for sure, but I’m pretty sure this was the first moment I wished the entire world dead.

earth-exploding-by-rufus-gefangenen

(Watching the earth explode and everyone on it die used to be like hardcore porn for me. Now it’s just softcore. By that I mean it’s nice but not as much fun as other possibilities)

When I got invited to this sleepover in 4th grade I felt really honored. Not too many kids were invited. After all, what parent wants a house filled with little boys running around? Sleepovers are usually limited in numbers because if you put too many young boys in a room together you get Shakespeare or however the saying goes.

This was a very humble party as far as birthday parties go. I think we ate Dominoes because they had the best commercials going at the time. Commercials only work on children. When I was younger and a commercial came on for a toy we wanted, everyone I knew would shout “I want that!” at the TV as if it would give their parents a raise where they could actually afford the toy.

Other than the food we also played the popular Madden video game. I knew nothing about football at the time. I really mean nothing. I knew it existed and I knew after games the men shower naked together. I was at a huge disadvantage when it came to knowing the actual game rules. I was at an even higher disadvantage considering the game console was one I had never played before and no one would tell me which buttons did certain things. I was playing the birthday boy and the game was a 0-0 tie with only a few seconds left. I told him “no matter who wins we both played a great game.” I distinctly remember saying that to him. He ran the ball and thinking football was like a real sport where the game ends when the clock runs out, I gave up chasing him. He scored a touchdown on the last play and won the game. He got up and did a celebratory dance. I can’t say for sure, but I’m pretty sure this was the second time I wished the entire world dead.

madden2000

(Thanks Mr. Madden. You ruined a friendship I had with a kid who had smelly breath)

The video game playing got boring so we decided to watch the classic Tom Arnold film The Stupids. Yeah, it was that kind of party. Like in any situation, we all found the weakest kid at the party and began to make fun of him. I forget what we made fun of him for, but we did it. He was also the first one to fall asleep. Why didn’t anyone teabag him? I don’t think at this point in our lives we even knew we had testicles.

Of all the unexciting things to happen at this up all night giggle fest the strangest was when we were sitting around talking about Pokemon or whatever we were talking about and the birthday boy turned around and showed everyone his ass. He didn’t even say anything. He just presented himself for us all to see for a few seconds then pulled his pants back up. He even bent over and aimed his ass toward us to let us all know his pants didn’t drop by mistake. I never had the courage to ask the guy why he did what he did. I will admit though, we all laughed at him mooning us. Something about seeing a half-Jewish boy’s ass crack was pretty funny. I don’t know if I would have the same reaction today.

alexa-vega-machete-kills

(This picture has nothing to do with this post but I have noticed whatever picture I use at the end is the one that shows up as the thumbnail on Facebook and I wanted to let more people know how hot the Spy Kids girl got. This also got me to stop thinking about little boy butts)

Have you ever been to an up all night giggle fest? Girls, tell us your best pillow fights/bicurious encounters. Guys, sit back and read what the girls say.

During my time receiving cancerous rays from computer screens I have made many Internet friends. Don’t feel special WordPress bloggers, I’ve been making Internet friends ever since I was 13. I have more people willing to click “subscribe” to this blog than are willing to become friends with me on Facebook. More people will comment on this particular blog post than will spend my birthday with me. The Internet is where I seem to make all my friends these days. For a guy who carries around spare deodorant in his car I can’t be too smelly. It’s Axe too because that’s the one women murder themselves over you for.

(She smelt me once and fell in love. I turned her down. Her life is no longer worth living)

Sometimes an Internet friend becomes more like a real friend. I’ve talked to a few WordPressers outside of the blogosphere and some I consider a regular friend. Things remind me of you and I’ll even explain to police officers how a particular blog post of yours is what inspired me to light the fire. Most of us will never meet in person which is fine, it might be better that way. I do remember however one instance many years ago when I made an Internet friend who I accidentally ended up meeting years later with lackluster consequences.

When I first got the Internet I did whatever I could to find as many people I could instant message as possible. I searched AOL profiles for girls who went to the same school as me and baseball players who I could bug about nonsense. I actually did used to talk to a few baseball players online. The one I talked to a few times ended up having to retire and got a job at Old Navy. With the girls, I always kept secret who I was. If they knew it was the weird fat kid from gym class they’d insist the Internet was not a safe place to be.

(This kid is reliving my life)

I began talking to one girl who actually responded well to me. She went to a rival middle school. I don’t remember what it was specifically that made me instant message her. I think I was feeling courageous. We’ll call her Does Dallas because her real first name matches the main character in an old film about a woman who goes out and “Does Dallas.” I don’t want people to be able to figure out who she is as her privacy is very important to me.

(I changed my mind, I don’t care)

I’m not sure what we talked about exactly but Does Dallas actually would instant message me first a few times. I hid no secrets from her. I was exactly who I was in real life and she was responding well. She told me her sister got a new camera and she would send me her picture. Did Does Dallas have intentions with me I could only fantasize about? She sent me the picture and I was amazed at how attractive she was. All this really meant was I could never send her a real picture of me. Onto my computer, in search of the picture of a shirtless British kid I would send girls claiming it was me, I went.

I told Does Dallas how a classmate of hers was on my baseball team. We’ll call him At Night since his real first name is the first half of a Nickelodeon programming series taking place “At Night.” Well, a lesson was learned by me. At Night did not have kind things to say about me. Does Dallas came online and said how At Night told her about me. I asked what he said. She did not make it clear but the fact Does Dallas never spoke to me ever again does not bode well. At Night was a dweeb who asked a girl out once and when she said yes he thanked her. This was the guy who was cock-blocking me?

(“At Night” was a travesty to other men with the same first name. I won’t say it. I swear I won’t let you know what his name was)

Fast forward to high school. You don’t have to fast forward but I suggest you do to avoid the anguish in between I suffered from many other people. As rival middle schoolers do, they sometimes attend the same high school. Guess who I happened to share a graduating class with? Does Dallas, that’s who. We never had class together, but one time during a field trip she sat across from me. I wondered and still do if she remembers how she had fallen for me online. At the time she was pulling off the “hot nerd” look. I remember her wearing tight black striped pants on the bus ride to see Julius Caesar, the play not the politician. I was at my fattest and sat next to the fattest black chick in class. The two-seater was not made for two offensive lineman which is what we were voted most likely to grow up to become.

I never had a real conversation with Does Dallas. She was smart which leads me to believe she always knew exactly who I was. People always do that. They ignore any connections they used to have to you no matter how silly the circumstances were. The closest I ever came to talking to her was one night during senior year. My friend had a huge crush on her and they had planned to hangout. She cancelled. He asked his best friend to hangout. The best friend cancelled. I had nothing going on so we went out to what his best friend was REALLY up to. Parked in front of the house was Does Dallas’s car. We snuck up along the fence and my friend caught the love of his life in the hot tub with his best friend. Then her head went under water and his best friend’s eyes rolled back into his head. Use your imagination.

Long story short, thank you current Internet friends for not owning hot tubs and inviting girls I have crushes on over to your place or something like that.