This past weekend I was completely out of commission due to flu like symptoms. I’m actually not sure if they were flu like. I was so incredibly out of it I couldn’t even bare to look up the symptoms. I felt achy, lightheaded, and was randomly breaking out in sweats despite not having roughs sex of any kind. Well, no rough sex I can remember. It is possibly I fell out of bed and hit my head on something and now I’m suffering from amnesia after incredibly passionate rough sex with many famous and beautiful women. I’m going to go with that. Any fool can catch the flu. It takes a special man to embarrass himself during sex.
(Chris Farley died during sex. Ooo that’s got to put egg on his face)
I noticed myself feeling a little more lightheaded than usual all week long. I thought this was possibly manic depression, suicidal thoughts, or the everlasting desire to kill all of humanity. Apparently I was wrong and it was a virus or whatever the flu is.
I woke up early Friday morning at 3AM or so sweating and having to pee. I piss a lot and it’s rare I can go the whole night without having to get up at least once. This isn’t a sign I’m getting older as much as it should prove I like to keep hydrated. Why I feel the need to prove to you that I’m constantly drinking water is a mystery. I am though. And I’ll tell you, drinking lots of water has done wonders for nothing in my life.
(I drink so much water and I look nothing like this! Those water advertisements are lies)
I tried to get through the first half of Friday by taking it easy at first. I don’t have a busy schedule or anything. I mean, I had a lot of plans scheduled for that evening and all but my imaginary friends understood. They wanted me to get better because they’re imaginary and why wouldn’t I imagine up people who care about me?
On Friday I decided I would take it easy for the rest of the day because my head couldn’t take much moving around anyway. I lied in bed watching Catfish and a few other shows you can get for free online. Did you know you can get every episode of South Park online for free at their website? Why would you buy the DVD ever? Anyway, Saturday wasn’t much different except I watched more stuff on YouTube. I didn’t watch bad cat videos. I watched Penn & Teller Fool Us as well as Penn & Teller Tell A Lie. These are two shows I got really excited to start watching because I figure there would be two seasons and more to come. Both were cancelled after the first season. So I was stuck with trying to find Disney movies to watch for free on YouTube.
(I don’t necessarily expect you to watch this. I hate seeing lots of paragraphs smashed together and couldn’t find a good picture)
Sunday came around and I was insisting to myself I’d slowly ease myself back into my daily routine of trying to write as much as possible so one day when I do meet Spielberg’s daughter and we get married I have such an armory of creative talent that my new father-in-law will pretty much help me out and I can retire early and die young and at peace. Wow, what a long sentence.
As I type this it’s Sunday night and I’m still not feeling so hot. Or should I say cold? I’m not sure. My mind is still fuzzy and my head literally will go from really hot to really cold which probably means I’m dying. It’s rare I get sick for more than a day let alone something that makes it painful for me to walk down stairs. And when I say walk down stairs I don’t want you thinking I’m some fancy man who lives in a multiple story home. My apartment is on the third floor so understand the struggle it was to carry everything I own up there.
The only observation I have to make about this whole ordeal is about those medicine packets that come with daytime and nighttime pills. I bought a pack of these and there were six servings of each. Logically shouldn’t there be a proportional amount? It should be a 2:1 ratio really if you are expected to sleep 8 hours. So there should have been eight daytime and four nighttime pills in this package. Maybe the people who put this stuff together never get sick and don’t understand how this makes no sense.
(St. Joseph’s does it right. Maybe this is why he was granted Sainthood?)
Oh and one more observation. I watched the new season of Beavis and Butthead that came out back in 2011 and they actually seemed really intelligent when talking about Jersey Shore which was probably intentional but I found hilarious. I heard bad things about the new version. Remember, they were always very hit and miss with jokes on the show. I laughed out loud a few times which I don’t do at many non-live jokes. Just wanted to throw that in there.
Oh and one more thing. For about 48 hours over this weekend I only communicated with one person and didn’t even make my aliveness known to anyone in any way. I didn’t post a single thing online or leave any hints that I had not been abducted. I’m curious if I hadn’t talked to the one person I had if it would have been a shorter amount of time between someone asking me if I was alive or not. I know that’s a mean-spirited thing but I really didn’t intend on making anyone think I died until sometime late Saturday night when I had been sick for two full days already and clearly the only cure was some sadism. But based on this information I believe my body would not rot for more than 5 days tops which is satisfying because that’s a business week. Sorry, the sadism is still here.
What helps you when you’re sick?