Posts Tagged ‘humor’

There are a lot of things I am afraid to admit to others. One thing I am never afraid to admit is that I am a former fatty. When people look at me now they cannot imagine me obese. How could this slouchy shouldered, bad postured, girly forearmed guy have once been fat? I probably bring it up way too often to people, especially new ones I meet because losing weight is indeed something to be proud of. I was on a path to die in my 30s of a heart attack or eating myself to death after seeing how far away the fridge was. As proud as anyone should be when they drop a lot of weight, some people take it to a point where it becomes annoying. We all overcome obstacles and many of us are better people later on in life because we grew up struggling. There is a line that some former fat people cross where their actions are less inspiring and more irritating than anything else.

1) Remind You About It

Every once in a while is fine. When I say every once in a while too I mean it should happen once unsolicited with each person and thereafter should only come up in conversation when it’s related. Some former fat people seem to bring up their weightloss all of the time. I like to live by the theory that I may have been the person to lose the weight, but I was also the idiot who never could figure out how to put down a box of donuts. It’s like saving someone from a fire you started. There’s far less to be proud about.

2) Show You Pictures

I know more than six people who carry around, either in their wallets or on their phones, pictures of themselves when they were fat. I probably know eight people in total so that’s a pretty high percentage. There are approximately two pictures that exist of me from age 13-16, at my highest weight. The rest of those few pictures were destroyed because I don’t want to be reminded of how great eating a ton of food is, something those pictures might do. If people don’t believe me that I used to be fat then that’s their fault for having trust issues. If they must be convinced I’m sure there’s a stretchmark somewhere on my body that can act as some hard proof, or in my stomach’s case, mushy proof.

3) Act As If They Are Really Good-Looking Now

Most people will lose weight and become better looking, especially when it’s a large amount that needed to come off. While they may look better, they still don’t always look good. This happened to me when I first lost weight. I assumed I was a “stud muffin express” when really I was just a smaller version of my former self. Former fat people need to be reminded that life doesn’t end after they drop the weight. We need to remind them that there is still work to be done and not to get too cocky. They are still the same boring person they were 100 pounds ago.

4) Let Their Insecurities Hinder Your Life

Living a healthy life is great. When your lifestyle affects those around you, like you can only go to certain restaurants because you still have issues being around food, it becomes a problem. There is no way ice cream can ever be in my apartment without me emptying it out within the first hour it gets there. I know that, but I never disallow others to eat ice cream around me. The worst part is when the former fat person either must go to a certain restaurant or their schedule doesn’t work with yours because it’s during their fasted cardio session or whatever dumb fad they are into that week. Insecurities should never change the lives of others. This makes people not like you and then the made-up fears in your head will be true.

5) Offering You Advice

One former fat kid in my high school tried giving me the advice that I should never eat potatoes unless I eat meat with it too. This was terrible advice because first of all I didn’t ask for it and second of all I would never ask him for advice about anything because as a person he was below average. There is an art to reading people and whether or not they are too afraid to ask for help, which many are and will probe you to do so. Offering forceful advice out of the blue almost always is met with a negative reaction. People will ask how you lost the weight and that’s when you go into your giant explanation and share your story like it’s an episode of Oprah.

If you are someone who lost a lot of weight be proud and be modest. Nobody likes a showoff. Keep bragging about your accomplishments and you will eventually become the people you hated most.

jared_fogle

(Everybody’s favorite former fatty, Steve Bartman)

When a bee is born it is a baby. Some babybees, however, even as adults maintain the babybee title.

I am a babybee and I actually have a babybee of my own. My babybee is great and here are 22 reasons why because it is 11 twice.

1) My babybee is great because she has lots of talents. I’m amazed sometimes by how much she can do. First she learned how to sing, then she learned how to draw, then it was dance, and finally it was figuring out how to write. I’m not sure which of these is the best because my babybee can do them all. This counts as one, however, I will include more on each.

2) My favorite song of my babybee is the Babybee Song. It’s best used for birthdays and reminding people about the size of their genital. My babybee actually won a competition singing Carol of the Bells; you know, the song the Trans Siberian Orchestra made popular.

3) Drawing may actually be my favorite thing the babybee can do. I suck at drawing so I appreciate it when I see very good art, particularly when it’s of people or dogs I care about.

photo (2)

(How many people can say strangers have their artwork hanging on their walls?)

4) The dancing isn’t something I have seen my babybee do very much. Since I am already an expert dancer, I’m not sure how impressed I would be with anything my babybee can do. At the same time, I know by now there are no limits to what she can.

5) Finally there’s writing, which I know for a fact is something my babybee is very passionate about. This might be the one thing my babybee has most in common with me, especially since my babybee knows very little about sports. I should hate her for that though, right?

6) Combined with all of these skills, the babybee’s talents are limitless. Her only flaw might be her jealousy of smelly fat men pretending to be Indian women, but that’s okay. Nobody is perfect although she’s pretty close and would say I am too.

dennis-farina-ftr

(Actor Dennis Farina makes babybee jealous she is so silly)

7) Aside from her many talents, babybee is the perfect partner for making fun of everyone. Sometimes it gets really cruel to the point where if anyone else found out the way we speak about them, we’d only have each other. But that’s okay because then we’d be two bees in a pod and there’s no better thought in the entire world than this.

8) At this point I have been writing this in non-list form and just putting a number in front of each paragraph. For number 8, I would like to mention how forgiving and accepting my babybee is and let you know the rest of this list will be a little more traditional.

9) Babybee is not judgmental even when I eat two Medi-wraps, protein bars, and a giant Snapple (what are those?).

snapple_bottle_various

(Now stop asking)

10) Babybee is very supportive and reads about baseball and lets me cuddle with my baseball with my hip without getting too angry.

11) Babybee knows not to make sound effects whenever I drink water because I will choke from laughing.

12) Babybee stays up late and sacrifices precious sleep–usually for me! Even I wouldn’t do this because I am nowhere near as great as Babybee.

13) Babybee makes me really long books of cartoons and lets me keep them even though it would mean owning another blank notebook without lines!!!

blank pages

(Babybee porn)

14) Babybee doesn’t need expensive jewelry, clothes, or shoes. She doesn’t even wear makeup yet she’s as adorable as a micropenis. Shit, I’d call her as beautiful as a butt!

15) Babybee always has good TV show and movie recommendations.

sherlock

(If only Lucy Liu was there)

16) Babybee is second most logical person I know after me. She’s also the second biggest piggy after me which makes things perfect.

17) Babybee can always make me laugh even though she is a woman.

18) Babybee has the best declarations ever.

19) Babybee can deadlift 80 pounds on the first try. She is such a Pac-Woman.

deadlifting

(Maybe one day she can be this beautiful)

20) Babybee is good complimenter/liar. I haven’t decided yet.

21) Babybee understands everything I tell her with the exception of one joke about boobs.

22) Babybee would be a good mama even if she makes mama face at our babybee someday.

 

I could go on further about how great babybee is. Did I even mention DF? Or candies? Or the Spiro treatments? I didn’t. There’s those.

There’s too much to mention about babybee and what a great human-being she is for one post. She has saved lives for fuck sake! Speaking of fuck, if babybee was here right now she’d probably say:

enough romance lets fuck

The babybee has spoken. Thank you for being you.

rollins 11

Let the 11 continue to roll on :3

I made an observation recently that I had no immediate answer to. Nearly every wealthy person I encounter is stunningly beautiful. Man, woman, white, black, gay, straight, and any combination of everything there is out there, most of these prosperous people are pleasing on the eye. They are fit, have great skin, and their faces are so beautiful I wonder what horrible things I did in a past life to get the one I have. After much thought I have come up with a few possibilities as to why people with money are so aesthetically pleasing.

They Can Afford Food and Personal Trainers:

When you have money you have a distinct advantage over the rest of the world. Everything costs money. I have never been a fan of the phrase “the best things in life are free” because this insinuates that Government Cheese is one of the best things in life. Healthy food is very expensive as are personal trainers. We all know by now that what you eat is the most important thing that affects your health, other than the obvious like playing in traffic or getting in trouble with the mafia. People who can afford to eat a nutritious and filling meal every day are going to be pretty healthy. People who can afford to do that while having personal training sessions at the same time are going to be even healthier. Could money be the main factor behind their beauty? The weights I lift are rusted and the only vegetables I eat are ketchup packets I steal from the corner store. So far, I’m not ruling it out.

They Are Rich Only Because They Look Good:

If money isn’t the most important thing in life then it’s being good-looking. Hey, I didn’t make the rules. This is just how things are. There always is the possibility that rich people are rich because of their good looks. Maybe they were hired because the person who did the interview found them attractive. And then there are jobs like professional model where being beautiful is what you do. Think of it in a way where you go to a restaurant and the waiter or waitress is unattainably attractive. Do you or do you not leave a little heftier tip? I always do because deep down somewhere in my soul I think it will make her like me. The same most likely happens with the wealthy. For instance, having a well-muscled lawyer with perfect hair and a strong jaw may be able to swing a shallow jury easier than an old man with a hunchback and pencil mustache.

They Have Gotten So Powerful That They No Longer Work Much:

Take a moment to think about your boss. Do they or do they not work far less than you do? In most fields it seems to me that the higher you get the less you actually do. When you have less work to do you have more time to do things that you want, like beautifying your body. Having worked for insanely rich people, I know they have wacky schedules. They seem to have every afternoon free to slap on a jogging suit and burn off carbohydrates. Could they be at the point in their careers where they are nothing more than a figurehead? I would simply ask them, but I’m not even close to their level in society yet. I am afraid they may speak to me like a dog.

It’s An Illusion:

I have to consider all possibilities here. Maybe these people are not physically attractive. Maybe these people appear attractive because they radiate confidence, since they bleed cash. I know if I was extremely well-to-do I would walk with my chest out, my hips forward, and a big grin on my face. Confidence is attractive for sure. I doubt this is the true reason why rich people are hot, but I didn’t want to leave anything out.

They Actually Do Work Hard At Everything:

This is crazy, but maybe rich people work hard at their jobs and still make time to live a healthy lifestyle. Not just anybody can start up a corporation or get a clearly guilty man an innocent verdict. There are a ton of rich people who inherited the cash the same as there are enough who really did earn it. The answer as to why they are so attractive will probably never fully be clear. For now though, I’m going to give them credit. I will continue staring at them from a distance while admiring their beauty, quietly wondering how I too could look so beautiful.

FOX 2003 WinterTCA Tour

(But sometimes people not so rich are as beautiful as Joe Millionaire. Just look at those beautiful tan lines all over his face)

I’m not a big fan of comedies from the 1980s. Some people love them. Some people also die and it’s like “Oh okay well that was a little shocking. I have no opinion on this.”

As yesterday was Thanksgiving, I felt the need to watch Planes, Trains, and Automobiles since it’s the only Thanksgiving movie in existence. I laughed maybe two or three times. That said, it was an enjoyable movie and although I didn’t laugh I found it very entertaining.

ptaa

(Okay guys, don’t laugh too hard. One of you is dead and the other has looked near death since the 1970s. Did Steve Martin ever not have grey Cal Ripken Jr. hair?)

I have ventured out and watched other comedies from the 1980s before. In general, they’ve been awful. The one I immediately think of is Trading Places. What was with that one part when they’re in the tennis club and the jocks (who are actually really dorky looking) begin to serenade their girlfriends in a 40-minute scene? Yes, 40 minutes of this movie is one scene of gross men in short shorts singing.

Okay so that’s an exaggeration. Like when someone tells you they will love you forever. The point is, Trading Places was ridiculously unfunny as are most comedies from the 1980s.

This may result in the removal of my testicles however I am willing to say it. John Hughes made some of the funniest movies in the decade. I don’t particularly like any of his Molly Ringworm films, but the ones like PTaA (that’s what huge fans of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles call it because most big fans of the movie are going to die soon and need to save time) are pretty good. Ferris Bueller Skips School, Strange Science, and although it was in the 1990s Home without the Parents starring Macauley Cokehead were all very entertaining. I’m not sure how laugh out loud funny any would be to me now. They still remain classics and ones I can appreciate.

In addition to the JH films (that’s what huge fans of John Hughes call him because most big fans of his movies are going to die soon and need to save time) I like the Zucker Brothers so don’t go thinking teen angst is my favorite genre of funny movie. I would much rather watch an inept cop like Frank Drebin.

I have similar opinions about comedies from the 1970s. I never understood why Blazing Saddles was funny. Caddyshack never made me laugh. Apocalypse Now has its humorous moments, but it’s too hard to take Marlon Brando seriously even in a parody film such as this.

The biggest difference I notice from comedies of the 1980s and 1990s/2000s is the 1980s seemed more influenced by the English. The situation was what was funny. Today especially, everyone needs to be snarky and make each other laugh in the film for it to be considered funny. I prefer somewhere in the middle, particularly when they don’t seem to be trying to make anyone laugh. It’s kind of like how the sexiest people don’t even need to try to be sexy: we just are.

Is Alec Baldwin smart? I hope so. His name is perfect as it matches the term Smart Alec or in more correct terms–Smart aleck.

I’m pretty sure Mr. Baldwin is dumb. If he had brains he would have eaten his brother Stephen for sustenance.

I like being a Smart Alec. In fact, it bothers me whenever I’m not. Sometimes I’m thrust into (no, not by Bill Cosby) a situation where I have to be more mature or respectful. I’m also stuck with a mini-brain aneurysm that causes me to respond less like I really think.

Name one thing worse than thinking of a funny smart ass response when it’s already too late. If you said 9/11 then okay you win. You may have even said Bill Cosby and again you win. But for me personally nothing is more painful than a delayed honest smarty pants response.

Walking through the filthy subway today toward my train, I spotted a girl that looked like a more attractive Maggie Gyllenhaal. To be fair, I describe my poop the same way; a more attractive Maggie Gyllenhaal. Bill Cosby knows what I’m talking about. Even he wouldn’t touch her.

This girl stood out because she was seemingly stuck and not in a rush. I on the other hand had a shit brewing in my tummy and a train to release my gas on. I made the mistake of making eye contact, the folly of all men. I noticed her clipboard too and knew she was trouble.

Nobody carries clipboards except for gym coaches and nuns interested in smacking you with them. It’s the flat wooden object of agenda driven assholes and the only thing on earth more likely to rape you other than Bill Cosby.

“I have one quick question for you,” she said.

For me? A question only I could answer? She said for me. This was no question anyone could help her with. This was knowledge that could only be passed from me to her.

“Yeah,” I cleverly remarked while displaying my extensive vocabulary and general kindness to all of those in need.

“Where do you think our drinking water comes from?” she asked while having a vagina.

I didn’t pause. Thankfully I was cold and in a rush. If I had time or she looked better, less like a white girl in college, I may have entertained her longer and eventually said something horrific as I tend to do in situations like these (conversations).

I thought about it briefly then said, “Uhh the sink.”

I said it in such a way too like she didn’t have some money raising pitch to give me. I answered as if she was really curious and wanted to know the answer. I sounded so sure of myself. I didn’t even inflect it like I had any doubt. There was no question mark at the end of my response.

“Thank you have a nice day,” she said as I continued walking without missing a step.

So was I right? Does the water we drink come from the sink? Or are we really just drinking the tears of women Bill Cosby knows?

bill cosby

In the mid-2000s MySpace was the most popular place to hangout. The social networking website turned what could have been fully functioning social adults into mindless drones afraid to leave their house on the weekend. I am one of those drones and I miss the good old days of MySpace. Facebook never quite lived up to the wonders MySpace provided me in life. Twitter is too simple and pointless while Tumblr needs that missing vowel to earn my respect. The days of MySpace are over and there are five specific things I miss about it most compared to the website I feel killed it off, Facebook.

tom myspace

(Please tell me I’m not the only one who thought that MySpace Tom was giving a thumb up only to later realize it was an illusion from the shadows)

1) The ability to meet new people

Facebook’s privacy settings are so strong that I originally made my account to help a friend stalk his ex-girlfriend to see what she was up to. MySpace was not like this, at least not at first. Of course after a while the privacy settings went up after people were concerned their bosses would find out that they were avid drug users. Because of this, Facebook makes it nearly impossible to make new friends without seeming like a creep. My MySpace profile was so ingenious that I would have random people adding me on an almost daily basis. They got to see my creative side and were legitimate fans of my nonsense. Facebook is now more of a site for adding people you already met in person. I never meet people in person and when I do I never remember their names anyway so we kind of go our separate ways after a night of fun. Facebook makes real-life relationships more like one-night stands whereas MySpace opened it up to the possibility of friends with benefits, a continuous relationship.

2) The ability showcase your talents

Facebook does not having a blogging system in place, one of my favorite MySpace features that people seemed to sometimes care about. MySpace gave me so many chances to be silly and unlike a Facebook status, they didn’t disappear into oblivion after a few days. My favorite thing about MySpace was filling out surveys with ridiculous answers then enjoying the praise I got after. Facebook does have the “notes” option, something that few people use and even fewer ever read. Bands were easily able to put up songs while the rest of us were able to put up music we liked, showcasing how great our taste in music was. Comedians too were able to upload the dates they would be performing. Things were so simple and MySpace acted as a website for many talented people to show off. It’s like that again with the new structure, but nobody uses MySpace outside of a couple of people who are so far behind they still haven’t heard that the Mayans were wrong about their 2012 apocalypse prediction.

3) Less personality on Facebook

I’m not the world’s most attractive person. Granted I could probably bribe my way into winning an office pool for “best-looking” and it not surprise too many people. My personality is what has always gotten me by in life and Facebook makes it shallower, where I am judged more on my face than anything else. I hate being judged by my face. I have to dehydrate myself just to get cheekbones. At any given time I have at least two rashes that if left to grow form a Pangaea by the end of the week. I loved on MySpace when I could find out the ugly girl in math class had a great sense of humor or that the guy all of the girls fawned over couldn’t put together a complete sentence if his life depended on it. Facebook is boring and without the ability to meet new and interesting people, it’s just a rehash of all of the boring people I know in real life.

4) Less danger on Facebook

As much as some overprotective parents assumed MySpace was filled with perverts, pimps, and prostitutes, the truth is the majority of users were like you and me. MySpace always did have a slight sense of danger around it, but so does driving a car. I think we have all met at least one person in real life that we had originally started talking to through MySpace. Sometimes these people actually led to real relationships, some lasting much longer than others. I miss the sense of danger MySpace gave me. Facebook is so safe that whenever I add a girl I don’t know she can immediately delete me before asking who I am. The Internet used to be the Wild West and now it’s more like the Wild Wild West film starring Will Smith, incredibly disappointing.

5) Celebrity encounters, real and fake

Very few celebrities actually use Facebook under true profiles. Why bother? There is a friend limit and does Miranda Cosgrove really need the self-confidence that comes whenever someone likes her status? She had a show about having a show. The girl has self-esteem shooting out all over the place. On MySpace I would add celebrities all of the time, mostly stand-up comedians because they were the most accessible and relatable. Many of them would actually send me messages, one telling me to stop posting so many bulletins. The best was whenever they would respond unsolicited. I had one comedian actually read a bulletin I posted about making my stand-up comedy debut and he actually wished me luck. In addition to the real profiles, I liked the fake ones too. Seeing fake profiles that made celebrities look like morons, jerks, or anything else satirical was something that always made me laugh. Facebook is pretty strict about using your real name and most fake profiles are deleted. Of course with Twitter you can still follow celebrities, but for me it’s not the same. MySpace was so much better.

Unless you got a really good note from a doctor, you probably had to participate in gym class during your youth. From kindergarten until for some of us university, we had to learn physical education. During my time learning about my body and how useless it was when it came to sports, I realized there were always the same types of kids in my gym class every year.

gym class

(I couldn’t find a good picture of kids in gym class so I used this one of them running away from a classmate with a gun)

The Athlete

My high school had a lot of really talented athletes who went on to do nothing with their abilities because as talented at sports as they were in comparison to me they really weren’t very good compared to the Soviets or anyone else who drinks blood before going for a jog. The Athlete treats gym class as an exhibition. He will dominate you at foursquare and he doesn’t hide in the back of the kickball batting lineup like I always did. This is also the one subject the athlete can shine in. They tend to smile at the girls after scoring a layup and it always does the trick, charming the gym shorts off the females in the class.

The Girl

I thought girls were smart. Gym class proved to me that I was mistaken. So many girls would do whatever they could to get out of participating in gym class. Looking back I’m sure a lot of it had to do with their teenage body insecurities, but at the same time it’s not like I came from a generation that made us shower after class. I saw too many honor roll quality females get a C in gym class for simply not making an attempt at hitting a volleyball. Some girls who were otherwise social turned into shelled up antisocial outcasts during gym. They basically turned into me and that’s just sad.

The Red Faced Fat Kid

This was the category I often fell into. I was pretty competitive at sports before I didn’t have constant hip pain like I do now. When you are overweight and give it your all in sports this disgusting thing happens to your face where it turns red. Being of Irish descent, meaning I have the complexion of an unused Aryan toilet seat, my red face was a big change from my usual pale rash skin. I spent way too much time in gym class trying to win then heading off to math class smelling terrible and I would like to apologize to everyone who had to smell my pits whenever I raised my hand.

The Troublemaker

I have no medical license so I cannot completely diagnose these students who I saw as the gym class troublemakers. If I had to guess though they would probably have some form of severe ADD or demonic possession. Every year in gym class there was at least one kid who spent the entire period making monkey sounds while climbing on things he wasn’t supposed to. Other kids would shoot basketballs, purposefully missing and trying to hit other students in the head. I know this because sometimes I would do that. Given the choice between being known as the sweaty fat kid with the red face and the jerk, I will take being the jerk for eternity.

The Wannabe Athlete

These kids tended to hang around the real athletes only to realize they weren’t nearly as talented. Most of the time they were on the football team only because everyone makes the football team. After all, someone needs to get knocked over on a special teams play. The wannabe athletes were normally kids who would talk a big game and rarely back it up. At least as a red faced fat kid I wore my game on my face and on the huge circular sweat stain on the small of my back.

The Kid That Always Gets Hurt

You can toss this kind of gym class kid into any of the other categories as well, but this one is a necessary add-on for sure. Other than using a protractor incredibly wrong, gym class is usually the only class in school you will get hurt. A lot of the kids who always got hurt were athletes or the wannabe athletes. There was one kid I went to school with for years and every time he barely got touched he would pretend he was hurt really bad. He did this mostly whenever his team was losing or he screwed up, attempting to mask how his giant oval-shaped head was slowing him down during flag football. For some reason in his head he thought it was better to cry from an injury than admitting someone beat him fairly. I went to school with that kid for 13 years and we only have 5 mutual friends on Facebook. That shows you how different our social circles were.

The Take It Too Seriously Kid

Again, you can be other things and still be the take it too seriously kid. These classmates act as if they are going to win something more than a high-five from a teammate. The sport I remember seeing this kid in most was volleyball. My middle school and high school loved volleyball tournaments because it was non-violent and could be coed. Whenever a ball would land near a girl and she would step out of the way the kid who took it too seriously would scream at her like she lied about being on birth control. Why would you ever scream at a girl for wanting to not get sweaty? Needless to say, the kids that took gym class too seriously all ended up alone.

The Nerdy Girl That Actually Did Try

I would hate for you to think that I didn’t notice the girls who did try in gym class. Oddly enough from my experiences, the only ones who tried hard were the nerdy girls nobody ever noticed. Perhaps this is why they tried in gym class, to finally gain some credibility in the school. Most specifically I remember a particular nerdy girl trying to catch a kickball only for it to hit her in the face and knock her flat on her back. I think after that she learned her lesson that sports aren’t for everybody and she should stick to being weird and getting good grades. I have no idea where she ended up in life. Kudos to her, I wish I could be as elusive.