Posts Tagged ‘humor’

While I was minding my own business and getting involved in other people’s I shouldn’t have, I received a Facebook message I was not expecting. Unlike most random Facebook messages it didn’t go to my “Other” folder which is filled with pretty girls confessing their love for me. Unfortunately many of them committed suicide before we could begin a romance. Several of them even blamed me for their decision to end their own lives. There are also a bunch of invitations to events I had no interest in attending so not everything is really sad there.

The message I got went something like this:

Hi Tim! I found your fb page through a friend’s list.
I’m currently recruiting people who want to go to Israel next summer for free! The trip is sponsored by The Jewish Federation of Philadelphia and it’s similar to Birthright except it’s longer and while there, you would take classes at Yeshiva/seminary, which is very interesting! In order to qualify, you must be Jewish and between the ages of 18 and 29. I got back from the trip a couple weeks ago and speaking from personal experience, it’s definitely the trip of a lifetime If you qualify and it’s something you might be interested in, feel free to message me back and I’ll be glad to send you more info. I hope to hear from you soon!
P.S. I know this may seem like a scam but I promise it’s not! If you would like to meet in person to discuss the trip, I would be more than willing to.

I can’t just ignore this kind of bullshit. This is the worst type of marketing I have ever seen. There was no attempt to possibly establish if I was even qualified for such a, what sounds like, terribly awful moment of my life. On my list of places I would like to go to Israel is probably near the bottom next to Afghanistan and work on Mondays.

As soon as I read it I wanted to give several smart ass responses. I was furious. It’s like when people in Times Square try to sell me rap CDs. I don’t listen to rap. In fact, I don’t even listen to my own thoughts thanks to my new prescription antidepressants I am currently abusing (with alcohol).

I took the high-road though and responded with:

I’m Chinese so I don’t qualify

Clearly I am not Chinese. I am as far from Chinese as a person can get; unless you ask a Japanese person because they insist they are the opposite of Chinese. I don’t think they are. I think they are like blueberries and raspberries. They are very similar. It’s like the Irish and English would be more like apples and bananas. I pair apples and bananas together because both allow the eater to have something to throw out the car window if they so choose. In my humble opinion, you should always choose.

Then she responds with:

So that means you’re not Jewish?

Something was not getting through. I’m not even sure why there was such an eagerness to put me in harm’s way. Isn’t there a current mass of suicide bombings in the Middle East right now? I swear I saw it trending online. Or maybe it was the Midwest. I always forget which one of those places is backwards and puts too much blind faith in a god.

Then I said:

Yes

And she cuntilly (is it one L or two?) added:

Ok, thanks for responding anyway.

To sum it up, please avoid sending me silly messages like this without doing a little bit of research first. She is very lucky I didn’t say something mean to hurt her feelings. I still would like to know what she thinks a Chinese person looks like if I’m passable.

Here are links to places you can find other works of mine.

cleat report

The Cleat Report: Anything baseball related

phalse philly sports logo

Phalse Philly Sports: Philadelphia sports satire

I had a bunch of stuff I planned to publish on Yahoo before they made the executive decision to shut the site down. This coming after the Yahoo purchased the site Associated Content several years ago for a couple million dollars only to never really take advantage of it. They own Tumblr too now, a site nobody uses. Tumblr is like the worst of every other site out there and it’s owned by that cunt Marissa Mayer who owns Yahoo. In short, here’s something I had planned to publish there.

Five Least Effective Ab Exercises

We all dream of having six-pack abs, but not all of us have the patience to figure out how to do it. Truthfully I have no idea either. What I do know are the exercises you shouldn’t do if you want to have washboard abs.

Eating a Tub of Ice Cream

By some accounts a gluttonous activity, eating a tub of ice cream does have some health benefits. Ice cream is high in calcium plus the more you eat the more overheating your body becomes which burns calories. Unfortunately the calories they burn are excessive already and really it’s just trying to catch up to normal. You will never achieve six-pack abs if you decide to eat lots of ice cream. Instead opt for some frozen snow peas. They are practically the same thing!

Stomach Punches

It has become common knowledge how ineffective stomach crunches are for abs. The same can be said about stomach punches. Hitting yourself or having a friend give you jabs to midsection is not only a bad way to get in shape, it can also kill you. This is how magician Harry Houdini died. Houdini however was not trying to get in shape for summer. He was merely trying to prove a point, which he didn’t.

Drawing Abs on Your Stomach with Permanent Marker

Don’t let the packaging fool you; permanent marker is only temporary when drawn on skin. Yes you should probably call up the patent office and demand a refund if you are one of the millions of people who draw ab muscles on your belly only to have it wash off the following week when you finally took a shower. The same can be said about t-shirts with fake abs on them. These articles of clothing only offer a temporary solution to your round stomach problem.

Ironing Your Flesh

Never touch a hot iron to your skin! No matter how much your trainer insists this is a quick way to get a six-pack, it is nothing more than broscience. Irons are for clothes and dropping down dumbwaiters onto criminals like in the first Home Alone movie. If you were to try ironing your stomach to tone up your ab muscles you would instead end up in the hospital where you will end up gaining a few pounds from all of the delicious hospital food.

Standing in front of the Microwave

George Washington was the first to warn about the dangers of standing in front of the microwave. As a President of the United States we have to trust him. While there is no proven danger that results from parking your stomach in front of what basically equates to a small box of nuclear weaponry, this is not a way to slim down. Surely a better option would be to, while the microwave is heating up a low-carb meal, lift it up and down over your head while contracting your abs in a forceful outward motion.

Abs 2_7

(Because if your stomach doesn’t look like this you are living a worthless existence)

I finally broke down and got an iPhone a few months ago. Well, my boss offered me one. I only ever use it for taking pictures at work because my boss uses it too and I know at some point I’ll forget to delete a picture of my poop if I used it like it was my own.

iphone-4s-devices

(The contraption doesn’t even have Minesweeper on it so how good can it be?)

On the iPhone I get a few random phone calls. I also get a few text messages from mysterious people. I haven’t deleted any of them because if I ever lose the phone I want people to think I am mysterious and a total dick for never responding to text messages. Here are a few in the phone:

Person 1:

March 14: Hope you are doing well Basic enough

April 30: When people are innocent they don’t pack up and run I was getting excited when I saw this and had hoped there’d be some big drama to follow. There wasn’t…

May 3: And Judi Russo is not looking for any ones $$$$) (had that already when I was married—I am wishing people I trusted never hurt my innocent kids who loved them- Very powerful stuff yet I have a feeling this text message was from someone named Judi Russo talking about herself in third person like Rickey Henderson

July 5: We really pray for that family As if someone was going to call her a liar

Person 2:

June 24: Sup bro Simple enough

June 24: It’s Babby Since I didn’t respond Babby probably feels awful, as if his friend is ignoring him because it is Babby. Poor Babby! It may have always been a typo and I got a text from a baby

Person 3:

May 17: Valeri kumusta? Ano balita? I could have actually answered this one no matter what language that is since “no” is very universal

Finally there was this long chain from a group of people:

April 14: Ok one of you guys should call Sam or Mike and tell him that we trust him just as long he do right thing 4900 full truck everything that we talked about. Even if we add for the extra stuff that was not covered by all American I think we will not go over 7500 k. What do you guys think? I think you just left Sam or Mike out of this text message and included me

April 14: Yes please call him baby stuck in a meeting now Pet names in a mass text messages–this guy will not hear the end of it

April 14: Send me his cell # I get the feeling it’s a prison cell…

April 14: Buy maybe Val should call? Because Val loves dating convicted rapists

April 14: (cell phone number deleted to protect the stupid) his cell Val you want to tell him that we will trust him? Ok good luck then Later if we there is still room we can add the other stuff during loading day even if we pay extra. Call him just smooth him out tell him we read his blog that’s why we got scared. He doesn’t know we are going with All America I just said we paid for boxes. See what he say, if he accepted then we go with him I hope this person they are trying to get in touch with is an English tutor

April 14: Val did u call? I think I’m supposed to be Val

April 14: Did u call Sam? No I have not and I am ruining Val’s reputation as a slut who does what she’s told

April 14: No bz wd meeting I ask val can u ff up wd her The inventing of shorthand just shot herself in the eyes

April 14: Call me the iPod is at home God forbid you leave home without “The Best of Abba”

April 14: Coming home I really hope this is slang for “dying”

I had a golden opportunity arise today. Unlike you though when I say “golden opportunity” I do not mean something positive. I mean it more reflects someone peeing in your face.

On July 17, 2013 I signed up on Yahoo Voices to begin publishing online for money! Real money. Real money I have had transferred into my bank account. Money I can use to buy things. Money I could spend to have someone killed! Certainly I felt very powerful with this…umm…power?

Today all of the contributors were informed that the site would be shutting down at the end of July and no new contact would be published. Considering this is the first, and still only, time I have made money writing I am a little upset. It was an easy side gig that easily supplemented my grocery bills. While I didn’t earn a living off of it, in the time I was there I earned almost $1700, $1500 of it this year alone. Writing about sports, television, movies, and fat kids was so easy. It was pleasurable to know I could dedicate my entire evening to writing something that would be published then rewarded with money. In fact, ever since I began writing for Yahoo Voices it kind of became the most time consuming thing I would do. I put screenwriting aside because I can’t think of anything less rewarding than spending months to put together a story only for it to lead to nothing. Okay, maybe being the parent of an ugly baby is worse.

There are lots of other websites out there seeking writers. The problem is Yahoo Voices was easy. You could write on whatever topic you wanted. You only had to reach 400 words. The guidelines were so carefree. Anyone could have made a pretty penny on it. Other sites require more attention to boundaries and regulations. They want you to follow a strict format and avoid using the n-word. Well, Yahoo Voices probably wouldn’t allow it either. They barely edited though and I doubt they ever would have noticed, but it would have been a risky maneuver anyway.

The first heartbreak with Yahoo came after I was accepted as a beat reporter for the Philadelphia Phillies back in January. By beat reporter I mean I wrote about the team and I had no credentials to do it other than I submitted an article they liked. In about a month doing that I managed to get about $300 and baseball season hadn’t even started. I even was awarded something about an article of the week where they basically said I sucked but my sucking was entertaining.

Where does this leave me? I could write here, though, at this point I don’t feel the same about standard blogging. This Mooselicker blog is more for random thoughts which are not edited very much because there’s no reason to. That’s the most valuable thing I think I earned, even above money, from writing on Yahoo Voices. I think I truly did become a better, albeit sometimes more boring, writer. I flush out the information quicker and more precise. I am more aware of words I use as crutches too. I got a lot of practice there and I think the real unfortunate thing is I don’t know where to go next.

I remain active on my sports blog Phalse Philly Sports which I enjoy and there is always fresh content. The problem with that is it could never go far as it’s nothing more than The Onion for Philadelphia Sports. Pictures are taken all willy-nilly from Google without properly crediting the source and so on. I’d almost rather that never get too big as the more attention I get the less I could get away with. Until an actual offer is made where I know people are depending on me to write for it there’s no reason to put in the added effort of trying to “make it big.”

Right now it looks like I’ll….well damn I’m not even quite sure. The weather is so hot it’s hard to imagine doing anything other than following the routine. I do get plenty of chances to write at work which is nice. Still, the compensation is not the same as being able to publish a couple hundred articles and track how they are doing on a daily basis.

Maybe this is why so many writers end up attempting to murder their families while watching hotels in the Colorado Mountains during a snowstorm. It’s a frustrating gig that nobody really gives a damn about.

Now to spend my night depress-eating followed up by regret-trying-to-pooping.

P.S. Why does WordPress decide to change everything without warning every time I post something?

Way too many advertisements pluck away at our insecurities. I think that’s the biggest reason why people hate themselves. We’re told we are supposed to have nice skin just because Jessica Biel does or whore is currently under contract with the “Splash some water on your face” acne cream commercials. I don’t think Jessica Biel works anymore. I think her career went downhill when someone finally saw one of her movies and was like “Hey, that’s not very good.”

jessica-biel-beach-body-986156210

(Watch out Jessica! The 1930s Dust Bowl is behind you! Grab your pants)

It’s a very sleazy way to advertise your product. Some are more subtle than others. Like Wendy’s always make it seem like you’re a loser if you don’t have friends to eat heart-attack food with. Most of the time I have meals with other people it has something to do with dying. Either it’s a funeral, an anniversary of a death, or someone in the corner is choking.

WendyOutake1

(How does a woman who behaves like this always have so many friends to grab a meal with? Oh right because she’s playful with her food and mimics oral sex with it. Being a woman is so easy!)

The worst ones are the advertisements that make sure believe we need surgery to be normal. What is normal anyway? George Bush was supposedly a C student. That’s average. So the average person is a millionaire oil tycoon who once owned the Texas Rangers. How does that make me feel? Not very good.

The real key I find as I grow older is to be insecure only for the sake of being aware. Insecurities are only a problem when they destroy your security with living an average, or as we have learned George Bush, life. Everyone has something gross on their bodies. Even more people have something gross on their face (usually their giant noses). Whatever you are insecure about let it be and don’t buy a facial cream, Subway sandwich, or gun to solve it.

The weather is warmer which means pretty girls are showing off and ugly girls are lucky that I often have sweat in my eyes and treat them with some respect because due to the sweat in my eyes I cannot quite make out how unattractive they are which if I could see them I would probably have a disgusted look on my face.

I think I handle myself pretty well in the presence of a pretty girl. It’s very simple. I treat them badly. I act like they mean nothing to me. I value their opinion as much as I would that of a caterpillar. The only difference is a caterpillar has never told me about her boys problems and I felt obliged to listen like I have in the past.

When I think about it this isn’t some strategy. I don’t treat pretty girls badly because I know it’s what will make them attracted to me. I do it because I’m a realist who knows the chances of a pretty girl randomly approaching me with a proposition are very unlikely. It’s a lot of work to win a girl over and this just isn’t work I am willing to put in right now. Can you believe women expect us to learn their names now?

Sometimes my interactions with beautiful women come off as cold and malice; I think. This is just working on assumption. I don’t small talk with anyone really let alone someone I find attractive. When I see a pretty girl on the street I think of all of the mean things she is probably thinking about me without knowing anything about me other than I have been following her home for way too long.

My comfort level with the fairest of the fairer sex is usually awkward because I have nothing to say to an attractive woman other than to drool over her. I know she doesn’t want that and certainly I don’t want to be it to her. I tend to live my life on extremes. I can either chuck semen at you by the handful (my natural instinct) or act as if you are the Elephant Man, whom for the record I would not throw any semen at.

If you happen to be a pretty girl reading this and I treat you badly I would like to apologize to you. My intention was to show you respect the only way I could which just happened to be ignoring everything you say.

mila kunis(Fuck off Mila Kunis. I don’t have time for you. You don’t like me anyway)

I think blogging here has jumped the shark for me. Or maybe I’m using that term incorrectly. Yes, I know for a fact I am. Jumping the shark should be used when a hotshot high school student tries literally jumping over a pool of sharks while riding a motorcycle and in no other instances.

What I mean is with this blog I spent so much time promoting in the past that I can never say anything awful about anyone I actually know. This is kind of shitty in a way. Isn’t that the point of blogging? To talk shit in a cowardly way?

Not that I have a billion bad things to say about people. Most people I would talk badly about most likely don’t know this blog exists or wouldn’t bother to read it. I think this is a problem we all have with being mean. People are inherently good, but then we bring out the worst in others to the point they want to say bad things about us on a blog. So really I’m fine if you want to say bad things about me on your blog because I get it. Just don’t expect me to meaninglessly click “Like” on your post.

I actually started anonymously blogging somewhere else on Sunday, speaking in half-truths. I’ll probably do it here too in some cases just to keep it present. A half-truth, at least to me, is when you start to tell the honest truth and it hurts the person it’s about so much that you end up tossing in something so incredibly ridiculous they assume the whole thing was a joke. A classic one is God tells a man to build a boat because a giant flood is coming and then he has to grab two of every animal.

noahs-ark1(There once was a man named Noah and everything after probably didn’t happen)

With everything going on in my life (eating lunch and eating dinner) I find myself becoming a more private person. Not so much private where I don’t go outside or interact with people ever. I’m actually much more social than I was a year ago. I have a job where I talk to people every day and on my way there at least one person’s armpit is shoved in my face–half of the time at my request to block the stench from someone else.

I don’t really have a point to this other than I couldn’t figure out anything else to write before going to bed so I figured I’d update here on how I really don’t have much to share, but at the same time I have a lot. I think my problem is finding a balance between what to say on a blog and what to keep private because to truly express myself in some ways would upset people. Never forget, I’m an angry white male in his mid-20s who never really achieved what he wanted in life. Plus my foot hurts and whenever someone’s foot hurts they usually lose control of their words.

One ride I always refused to go on at Disney World was the “It’s A Small Planet Full of Murderers, Rapists, and Telemarketers After-All.” Disney later decided to shorten the name to “It’s A Small World After-All” due to pressure from what Walt Disney called, The Jews.

jew

Even at my young age I found this ride very tacky and lame. I guess you can say I was wise beyond my years, which would also explain memory loss in my mid-20s.

The world indeed is a very small one. Two recent examples happened and I will mention them as a propaganda-like way to promote my other blog.

The first example comes to us from when I mentioned how I was offered the opportunity to create a weekly comedy segment for a radio station I listen to. I sent in my recording and never heard back from the guy. About three weeks have already passed and even with a follow-up email I have heard nothing back. In other words, this guy has chosen to ignore me after sending compliments my way and giving me the offer. While I am grateful for the compliments, I find it a little irritating that I never got a response back even telling me it was shit. From a radio host who brags about being honest, I find his avoidance a little shady. I’ll probably complain about this more in the future when I am fully ready to burn that bridge. He googles himself, which is how he found my blog, so he’ll probably see it.

UPDATE: Here’s the passive aggressive post I made about him. He replied to my email saying he forgot to respond then I never responded back because I am a busy man.

busy man

(Sometimes I get so busy I feel like this poor guy who didn’t even have the time to leave his home to work so he has to suffer with peace and quiet from the couch on his home. Poor guy)

The way this is a small world is that after ignoring my emails he later mentioned an article I wrote for Yahoo Sports on his show. Most likely he had no idea it was me who wrote it. He referenced the title verbatim and even said he saw it on Yahoo. The more I think about it the more I hate this guy for teasing me with having a reason to live.

My second example also has to do with this blog in a stranger connection. I woke up early to see I had a new Twitter follower with a familiar name. I immediately checked the picture matched the name. The Twitter follower was a comedian from Philadelphia whom I had met years ago, once. He didn’t know my name and there is no possible way he would have remembered me for any reason so do not jump that conclusion. He just happened to come across my blog via Twitter or other place and he just happened to be someone I had met 6 years ago.

I like weird little small connections like this. I like it when people don’t remember me too. It’s like a fresh start where I have the upperhand. I always pretend to not remember people. If they think they remember me and it’s not me they are thinking of, I go with it. A pretty girl hugged me once because she thought I was a college friend named Chris. My name is not Chris and I had no friends in college. The point of it is, I responded and did not ignore the sweet words sent to me like that fucking radio host. Christ I wish I was powerful enough to start a war with him.

FYI I wrote this back in March which just goes to show you how little attention I have given this blog. My apologies to anyone who still uses WordPress. Does anyone still use this site? I have no clue.

Find out what all of the critics are raving about!

From the creators of the Lifetime Original Series “Women Always Are Smarter Than Men” comes a new Lifetime Original Movie with the same plot as all of the rest. Starring Marcia Gay Harden and the cast of Strong Medicine comes the movie every housewife is talking about, “The Empowered Vagina.”

Marcia Gay Harden plays a middle-aged woman with a pig nose who pauses a lot after delivering her lines. She probably has a son who resents too. Together with her female friends they learn a valuable lesson about how a woman can anything a man can do.

Also starring John Corbett as the blue-collar and intelligent guy who knows how to fix your sink and your problems. Watch as he charms all of the women in town, but doesn’t take advantage of any of them. What a guy!

Critics are raving about this movie because they just don’t know when to shut up. Former Disney actress turned untalented famous person Hilary Duff also stars as a girl in her 20s breathing and eating and having boy problems. It’s not her fault though. It’s the men who are wrong!

Set in a small coastal town without very many black people living in it except for maybe one token friend, The Empowered Vagina goes places every other movie dares to go. The film discusses sex on a PG level and there’s even a few scenes where women cry.

Narrated by Robert Stack using old archive footage from episode of Unsolved Mysteries, The Empowered Vagina has something for every feminist with a bias opinion about the battle of the sexes.

The movie will premiere this Saturday night at 8pm so lonely women everywhere feel like they actually have a friend.

lifetime

(Lifetime…because thankfully these films are not immortal)