Favorite & Least Favorite Facebook Friends

What makes a good Facebook friend? If I could ask God one question it would probably be that. I mean, why overwhelm the guy? He might even be like, “Oh shit Tim. Me damn that’s a good question.” Rather than answer this near impossible question, I’m going to tell you a little bit about my favorite and least favorite Facebook friends.

Least Favorite:

Guy who likes all of his statuses, pictures, and was Catfished into a relationship. I first saw he was in a relationship with a bombshell I opened my window, stuck my head outside, and judged whether or not it was high enough for me to die if I jumped out. Then logic sent in and I knew he was probably just having a prank pulled on him by some lonely person. I’m also not a fan of the guy in general because during the first week of sixth great he threatened to beat me up. Why am I Facebook friends with him? The same reason I look at pictures of plane crashes on Google images, to cheer myself up.

Favorite:

Former Major League Baseball pitcher and the last one to win over 30 games in a season, Denny Mclain. This guy is a nut. He’s been to prison a bunch of times for white collar crimes like being better at winning money while betting on sports than you could ever dream. What’s great about him on Facebook is instead of replying to people who post on his Wall he will update his status with things like “Thank you” then sign his name. He must do this 8 times a day. Trust me. It’s a lot more fun than I make it sound.

(Denny Mclain displaying the horrors of metabolism with age)

Least Favorite:

The latest girl to delete me as a friend. I’m not sure why she deleted me. I’m not sure why she even stopped talking to me. We got along great. I touched her elbow and she said she liked it. We were texting and she went with a friend to get frozen yogurt with the promise she would text me after. No text was sent until a few days later when I asked how she was. Then she pretty much disappeared, moved to another country, and deleted me from Facebook. Can you believe this isn’t the first time a girl I liked moved to another country within three months after meeting her? My fuckin’ life.

Favorite:

No one compares to The Unbreakable Michael Elgin. Michael Elgin is an independent wrestler from Canada whose status updates filled with typos and references to how much weight he can lift always lift my spirits. The best storyline he ever had going on his Facebook was when he was getting his mother, Mama Elgin, to do squats with him. Did you know she was asked to be in the movie Over the Top and had to decline because she was preggers with The Unbreakable Michael Elgin? Bet you didn’t!

(He’s unbreakable until it comes to a game of Scrabble. Then he completely collapses)

Least Favorite:

The least funny person I am Facebook friends with is someone I have never met. It’s a male who for some reason added a bunch of comedians a few years back, probably to fill his own unfunny hole. He’s a swell guy, but his jokes are terrible. I think he wanted to be a stand-up comedian and realized he couldn’t because he has the comedic timing of Flight 93. I know I used that joke somewhere else before. It’s just so specific I had to use it again. Once I commented on a status of his and he seemed really snoody. I only remain friends with him as a reminder that there are things more upsetting than funerals.

Favorite:

I got my least favorite comedian out of the way so let’s get to my favorite. Few people can say they’ve dined with their favorite comedians without having to pay money to a charity auction. I’m one of these people. I am Facebook friends with none other than comedian Alan Schwartz. You may remember him from his 1980s comedy special “Parakeets Galore.” I asked Mr. Schwartz where he came up with the title to this legendary comedy album.

“Parakeets Galore is something the rambling lunatic you saw at that one open mic once said in his set. He was talking about a pet store or something like that, but for some reason when he said it in his incoherent ramble; I decided that would be my album or comedy special.” – an edited version of what was said so Alan doesn’t get hunted down and killed

(Enough parakeets to be measured in a “galore” amount)

Who are your favorite and least favorite Facebook friends?

Winning Powerball Numbers

On Friday someone in Florida won a lot of money from playing the Powerball. I used to go to school with a kid who would dare us to kick him in the nuts. We’d call him Powerball then make fun of him for having steel testicles. He’s probably somewhere out there right now winning bar bets and traveling around with a carnival, insulting carnival goers until they pay $5 to punch him in the groin. He’s living the life we all want to live. He gets paid to be a freak.

 

(I’m not quite sure why he needs the mustache, but who am I to question Powerball’s technique?)

Curiosity gets the better of me a lot so I looked up the winning Powerball numbers.

10, 13, 14, 22, 52, and the red ball was 11. When I saw these numbers a lump grew in my throat. All of these numbers are very important to me. I could have won.

10 is for October. October is the 10th month of the year and the month I was born. Everyone always must pick the month they were born as one of their lottery numbers. The ticket is void if you don’t. I’m not sure about null. I think null and void mean the same thing and they’re always together to reiterate the fact that it won’t count.

13 is for the number of years it took me before I started puberty. I remember beginning puberty fondly. I woke up with a crackling voice, a face covered in zits, and sticky underpants. Most people start puberty around this age. Except for progeria kids. They’re kind of born as 20 year olds.

14 is for the first baseball number I ever had minus two. I subtract the two because there was no number 14 or 15 on the team. If you know your math, my number was 16. The way uniforms would work was the larger the number, the larger the kid. I was larger than two kids who did not exist. Number 1 on the team actually might be dead too because he was born with a heart defect. He was really tiny.

22 is for the recommended serving size of M&M’s in one 36 ounce bag. And yes, I buy M&M’s by the 36 ounce. And when I say 22 is the serving size, I don’t mean 22 single M&M’s, I mean 22 ounces. This is quite a problem because you have to buy a lot of bags to get the serving size to equal out. And this is not the real recommended serving size on the package. It’s the amount it takes me to get full.

52 is the age I hope my enemies never live to see. It’s a good enough age for enemies to die. They will experience enough pain in life, physically and emotionally by then. They may have a small glimpse of hope that they will live long enough to be a grandparent or maybe experience joy one last time. They’re my enemies though so I don’t want them to.

Finally we get to good old 11. I’m not sure what the specialty of this number is, being that it’s red and everything. 11 is a very important number in my life though. 11 is the number of pregnancy scares I have had only to discover I had eaten too much salt. 11 is the number of touchdown passes I caught with my Create-A-Player in Madden 2005 in my rookie season. 11 is the number of pounds I should probably lose. 11 is the number of hours in a day I typically spend crying alone. 11 is the number of times I’ll show up at a girl’s house with flowers before I get the message that she’s serious about calling the police. 11 is the number of midgets I have had conversations with in my lifetime, yes I count. 11 represents the month November, the month my first dog was born. In addition to the dog’s birth, Thanksgiving is in November and that’s in the top 25 most important holidays to me. 11 looks like a double middle finger and I’m always doing that.

If only I had played. If only I was willing to spend the money and picked these obvious numbers with deep meaning in my own life. I could have had it all.

Worldly Issues

I think I would be a really good president. Do you know how good I would be? I typed out “persident” and I knew immediately before the squiggly red line came up that it was wrong. I catch things like that quickly before the average person does. Not only that, I fixed it. And not only that, I was willing to admit my error. What more could you want in a president? I get along great with foreigners too. I almost left that out. I think foreigners like me a lot because I talk down to them in a way where their stupid minds can actually understand me. If I was in charge things would be great and this is how I would solve worldly issues.

The Economy:

(This says it all)

Everybody loves money. Rap stars love it so much they spend lots of it to look like they have none. The American economy has been pretty lousy for quite some time. The first thing that must be done is put a salary cap in baseball and lower the ones in other sports. This would save a couple 100 million dollars which would be the salaries paid to security guards that will be placed in necessary places. I’m not sure where those places are. I’m the president. That’s not my job to come up with everything. The heightened security limits terrorist actions or random shootings. It won’t stop them, but it will limit a few. My other plan to help the economy is to make our world look more modernized and futuristic. This means more construction jobs, design jobs, and other making weird flashy buildings jobs. There will be open tryouts for these jobs too where if you have never worked something like this before you can show up and be taught a task. The economy would be a really slow process and it’s too boring to write about how I would solve it. Ultimately it leads to always creating something new. Aren’t the Japanese like this? The key to running a good economy is realizing it takes everyone to run it. When was the last time you could count on two people to get something done let alone 250 million?

Bullying in Schools:

(What could this girl get bullied about? Being too attractive and blonde?)

This is a really simple solution. Let teachers say “What the fuck is wrong with you?” whenever they see a kid bullying another. When a kid is asked this question he will really think about it. I’m tired of all this bullying crap. Did kids ever kill themselves over bullying until recently? And I guarantee bullying was a lot worse in older days. After watching a documentary called Bully on Netflix, I think the key to it is everyone needs to be bullied. The best way to go about this is make the teachers the bully so the kids ban together against the administration. They will treat each other nicer and work as a team. For now kids see school as something that never seems to end and they lose hope quickly. I do think school lasts entirely too long. High school should be designed more like college and college should be designed more like a long internship. What’s the harm in trying out this idea? It’s not like anyone has a clue what to do with themselves now in the system we have in place today.

Drugs:

(Isn’t this just asking the government to start up prohibition again? Walking is safer than driving a car. Let’s take away those too)

Make drugs legal, but you must do them in certain designated “daycare centers” where you can be babysat. Not only do people who enjoy doing drugs get to do them, this reduces the chances of death, illegal drug violence, and smoking some weed and not having the energy to call Domino’s. I would make it clear that anyone caught with drugs outside of these designated buildings will be punished by the law very harshly. So if you want to smoke some crack, you need to do it somewhere other than your bathroom where you may end up throwing a kid out of rage.

World Hunger:

(I must do this one day)

I would have scientists create some sort of cheap food that can be given out for free. Of course it would taste lame and probably not be all that nutritious, but it’s better than cannibalism. Plus, aren’t you as annoyed as I am with those commercials of hungry African children? Those commercials will no longer exist and we can finally give Sally Struthers the boot once and for all. Did you know some farmers purposefully don’t grow crops because the government tells them to? Read up on Norman “Steel Fist” Borlaug for what we should be doing.

Car Crashes:

(Skip to somewhere around the end to appreciate what I mean)

Okay, now I’m getting a little too specific to my life. This is just my way to irritate how much I think the lines on the road should be painted with glow in the dark paint. I can’t possibly be the only one who is blind driving in the rain at night. Not that I’ve driven in a few months or anything, but still. Also, when are we going to get cars that drive themselves? Too many people die in car accidents and worse, too many people are late to dinner because other people are dying in car accidents. Paint these lines and get these cars to drive themselves already damn it.

Gay Marriage:’

(Does this mean the one who’s Groom is not prideful? Wordplay is confusing)

I would eliminate marriage completely. I know this would probably increase adultery, but if someone is going to not be monogamous with you it doesn’t take some dumb certificate. It’s inevitable. Plus, maybe if we weren’t so stuck on monogamy then cheating wouldn’t be such a horrible thing. Open relationships are so in style these days anyway. There’s even a Facebook option for it. Whenever I see someone on Facebook says they are in an open relationship I wonder which one doesn’t love the other as much. Whenever I see their relationship is listed as “it’s complicated” I wonder which one of them is the attention whore. For all the paper work that goes with getting married like power of attorney or who gets your stuff when you die, you can sign that over to anyone. And you have to update it yearly. I love annual updates.

Healthcare:

(I know I can’t see her face, but I’m almost 100% sure the woman in the wheelchair is Asian)

When I’m president healthcare will be free. How? After I make all of the above changes and life is so much better everyone will be willing to help keep each other alive longer. Right now though, life could be more worth living. Until we actually like each other, we’re not going to care whether someone else lives or dies.

Celebrity Contests

I swear I’ll keep this brief and I’m not sure what the point in even blogging about this is other than my nose isn’t brown enough. I also want to point out that not all celebrities are assholes unwilling to give back to their fanbase.

I didn’t find out about this until Monday, but It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia actor Glenn Howerton posted this on his Twitter back in March:

 

Read the last one. It’s the most relevant.

Basically he’s soliciting different screenplays, television pilots, and I’m sure he will not turn down nude photographs of women although he did not state it would increase chances, but I have no doubt it would. If you don’t know the story of how It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia got started, it was basically based on a short video made by the cast. Danny Devito somehow discovered it and the rest as they say is a much more interesting and incestuous way than most television shows are created, in-house and remade from unoriginal ideas.

Mr. Howerton went on to answer different questions on his Twitter account, at one point saying that this is not a contest, it’s a “call to arms” and that “everyone just needs a way in.” Of course I emailed something almost immediately (he set up an email address for this to save trees) and now I play the waiting game hoping that I at least hear back.  A “quit now while you can still waste your time on something else” would be as helpful as a “this is amazing.”

This is one of many things I’ve been entering/submitting to in recent days. I entered two things back at the end of February. That contest closes submissions on Monday. There’s another contest that opens on Monday. This contest I entered the last two years with no luck. Then there’s an internship I applied for which I have the least amount of faith in because you needed to include a resume. Whenever I have to include my resume for anything I feel like I’m telling people not to pick me. What age is it acceptable to travel around the country robbing banks and becoming a national hero? I feel like I’m getting close.

But thanks Glenn Howerton for not being a megadouche and instead at least attempting to pay it forward and give other people an opportunity to one day, like Zach Braff, take advantage of their fans.

(Normally I’d be jealous of Mr. Glenn here, but he seems like a nice guy so I shall contain my jealous rage and save it for someone more deserving)

Pretty Awkward Girls

Sometimes I wish I was in high school these days to see what it was like. I’m not that old and even already things have changed a ton. My high school had only a minimal Internet connection. This was a strange thing because I took a class on website design without actually having access to the Internet. I have no clue what they were thinking because it didn’t make any sense at all. I think schools do have Internet now, right? They must. I still remember being 17 and a kid got porn on his PSP and it was a big deal. Man those were the innocent days of 2005.

One growing trend I have noticed is how it’s cool for people to be nerds. Of course we’re all smart enough to know these hipsters are phonies. A good majority of them are attractive and are doing this because the attention they get is never enough. They wear fake glasses, tattered clothes, and grow obnoxious beards for the lone sake of being ironic. People are supposed to care about the way they look and now these hipsters spend twice as much time looking “accidentally pretty.” This goes for the males and females. Any male who spends more time on his appearance and enjoys shopping is indeed a pretty man. The only things a man should ever enjoy buying are condoms and duct tape, always together in case something goes wrong.

Not necessarily hipsters, but still pretty awkward girls who are outcasts and nobody seems to like them are all over television and in movies. I know that last sentence was poorly written and my back hurts way too bad to try to figure out how to make it more readable. My apologies. But you get what I’m saying right? In real life when a girl is pretty she’s pretty. She has confidence and the world is for the most part hers. It takes me out of a movie whenever I see girls who appear both in looks and her personality to be totally viable dating candidates. Here are a few I have noticed aka the part where you can skip down to.

Linda Cardellini (Lindsay Weir) from Freaks and Geeks

I get it that she acts a little strange, but she’s certainly got a cute enough smile to not be such an outcast. Couldn’t they get someone a little less attractive? It’s not like she went on to do anything after other than work as a nurse on ER. That’s the equivalent of a red shirt on Star Trek or a Storm Trooper in Star Wars or an ogre in Lord of the Rings or a British kid in Harry Potter or….

Ashley Rickards (Bethany Pruitt) from Sassy Pants

I finally watched this movie, the one with Haley Joel Osment as a gay person. It was actually pretty good and the main girl was so sad and pathetic and pretty I wanted to hug her and tell her that things will get better. There is no way a girl as cute as her would ever have the problems she did. This girl is also the star of an MTV show called Awkward. Just no. She looks like she would be really mean to me if I ever tried talking to her.

Tara Lynne Barr (Roxy)  from God Bless America

At one point in the film the girl wants to know if she’s pretty. Of course she is. I mean, don’t you have to in order to be an actress not named Cher? Then again Cher kind of made her career as a musician more than an actress so she’s a bad example. TLB as her fans would call her would never need to go on a killing spree in order to find something more to live for. If she has really bad self-esteem she could always date Mitchell Musso.

Alison Brie (Annie Edison)  from Community

I think in the first season they had no idea she would get as popular as she did. About midway through they started sexualizing her because they realized they had a big-breasted gem cupped in the palm of their hands. On the show she plays a nerdy girl who studies a lot. I don’t remember any pretty girls ever studying when I was in school. They were all too busy trying to memorize really mean lines on how to reject me. Why must you hurt me so much Alison Brie?

Anyone from Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, etc.

Case in point, all three of these girls played slightly awkward girls on their own Disney Channel shows. The one in the middle was this past year’s #2 on Maxim’s Top 100 hottest. The one on the right was #1. Poor Demi Lovato on the far left (and yes you probably didn’t know who that girl was) only finished at #26. Often discussed by me on Kidz Showz, we are made to believe that pretty girls can be dorky too. I blame Zooey Deschanel. She is probably the least klutzy person ever. If she was as big of a dork as she pretended to be she wouldn’t be famous, end of story. I don’t buy this klutzy Zooey thing. Shouldn’t her legs be covered in bruises?

I don’t know what the point of this was other than to try standing up for the true average girls out there. You know, the girls with the ugly smiles and faulty skin. Sometimes I like looking at pictures of celebrities without makeup. Although these pictures are purposefully unflattering, I still think the average everyday female is more attractive than some glammed up actress.

So what’s the solution? I need to remember that movies and TV shows are not accurate portrayals of life.

Diaries & Journals

I think everybody should keep a diary or a journal. It kind of depends on how often you wear women’s underwear on whether or not it qualifies as a diary or a journal. Basically they are the same thing. Diaries tend to have locks on them and discuss girl problems like crushing on the high school football captain and getting pig blood poured on you at prom. Journals deal with more masculine problems like trying to find a place to get pig blood on the cheap to pour on the girl who is crushing on the high school football captain.

Why should you keep a chronicle of your life? There are many reasons and I am going to list them out because people love lists and making lists is lazy writing.

1) You can be famous one day – Anne Frank is the most famous diary keeper of all-time. Unfortunately thanks to those pesky Nazis she never got to bask in the glory. Then again, if it wasn’t for those Nazis then the book would have been pretty boring. Imagine Die Hard without Hans Gruber. It would just be a cop trying to save his marriage. It would have probably been called something more like “Nothing Lasts Forever” which for some reason is the name of the book Die Hard is somewhat based on. I guess it’s a warning that the book does eventually end?

(Anne Frank’s diary. I find it a little too self-deprecating that she calls herself wimpy just because she has to hide from the Nazis. Also, who’s Jeff Kinney? Did I use the wrong picture? lolz)

2) Other people can see how stupid you are – When people know you are stupid they expect less of you. Believe me, no one ever asks for my help. Karl Pilkington is the perfect example. Ricky Gervais convinced him to keep a daily journal which produced some very hilarious results. You do realize that Karl’s job now is to travel around the world with a midget now, right? He’s living the dream.

3) You will have something to look back at – I love being able to look back at old things I had written and completely forgotten about. It’s like someone else did them and I can appreciate my greatness from your point of view. It’s like a photo album where you have to be literate to understand.

4) Your memory will be improved – Scientists spent billions of dollars last year to come to the conclusion that writing things down, whether it’s looked at again or not, improves memory. If you write down your grocery list, but forget it at home, your brain should be capable of remembering many of the items on the list. Fourteen men and a dog died during this study so you should probably make an effort so their lives were not lost for nothing.

5) Your writing will improve – Whether you want to write as a career or just want to improve your vocabulary for ransom notes, having good grammar (or is it well grammar?) is always a good thing (or is it a well thing?). The more you do anything the better you will get. Unless you are Allen Iverson. He don’t need practice.

(Allen Iverson, talkin’ bout practice, not a game)

6) Money can be made – Would you believe that people actual pay money for memoirs about other people? All you need to do is keep a diary or a journal for a year then kill a famous person and everyone will want to read about your life. You’ll be locked up in prison and the money will all go to the victim’s family or a charity so you may not actually get much. How about you become a talented figure skater instead? Everyone loves Kristi Yamaguchi. Her name is too fun to say not to read about her personal thoughts.

(I used to be able to do this when I could figure skate except I was on my back, not my foot)

Convinced? Probably not. A list with 6 items never convinces anyway anything.

Do you keep a diary, journal, or working manifesto?

Princesses

A sense of entitlement is one thing I despise about people. Have they not read the Declaration of Independence? All men are created equal. To feel like you are better than this means you hate democracy which means you are a fascist or realistic. I firmly don’t believe all men are created equally. There are for sure certain things some people can do better than others. Equal rights are human-created. Our creator, whom I believe to be an elephant with six arms, did not intend for us to be on a level playing field. And this is why if you think you should be treated like a princess then you are a stuck-up bitch.

(Nice Jon-Benet Ramsey hat. She was treated like a princess. How’d that turn out?)

I understand a woman’s desire to be treated like a princess. It’s natural. It sounds so perfect and wonderful. I would love to be a princess myself. Someone waiting on me hand and foot at all times? I get to live in a castle? A knight gets to take my virginity? This sounds like an epic win.

When you think about it more though, princesses aren’t as wonderful as it appears to be on the surface. Princesses are part of terrible monarchies that would constantly war with other towns, countries, and other pieces of land with boundaries. If you won then you got a new castle to travel to. If you lost then you were usually raped by a raider or whatever the proper term for someone who bludgeoned people to death back in those days is.

(Poor Belle. While all of the other princesses have princes who are beautiful inside and out she has to spend 15 minutes making them believe Beast is beautiful on the inside)

Princesses also would get captured by dragons, used as ransom, and get locked up in towers. These are not fun things. I’ve had two happen to me before and if towers actually existed then I’m sure I would have been locked in one at some point. Princesses live a life of danger. Most never even survived to become a queen. Why would someone ever want to be one? There is way too much risk.

Even in modern days a princess has struggles. The paparazzi is always bugging them and causing their limousines to crash in France. Did you know princesses can’t even go outside topless without someone taking a picture? That’s kind of cool though. I have a hard enough time going outside and having a pizza delivery man saying hello to me. I would love if people were paying for nude photographs of me. Sadly, I am no princess. The only people who want my naked pictures fans of books featuring freaks and oddities. It’s a pretty large market so I shouldn’t really complain.

(Kate Middleton cannot get away with being nude in public because she is a princess. Prince Charles cannot get away with it either, but that has nothing to do with power)

The term princess these days doesn’t necessarily mean royalty. A girl used to have to be born into being a princess or married into. Sometimes both. Most princesses had to have sex with their brothers, fathers or other close relatives to keep the blood line the same. That’s why the British Royal Family look retarded, they are.

Fashion has embraced this idea of princess. You can’t walk into a frozen yogurt shop or into a sorority house without seeing the word on a girl’s clothing. I don’t know what my opinion of these girls are. Clearly they are not real princesses. My feeling is they think other people are as stupid as they are. If I wear a Yankees shirt does that make me a member of the team? Well, this season it might. They’re going to actually stink despite how well they’ve played so far. If I the Yankee’s General Manager I would sign a girl with princesses on her pants to play left field as a joke.

(She may also provide more power than their 6-9 hitters)

Instead of saying they want to be treated like a princess, women/girls should say they want to be treated like a queen BY their king. I think in a relationship, especially one where you’ll take naked showers together, things should be equal. You should give as much as you can and your significant other should return the favor. Your mission should be to rule over the rest of the world together.

Asking to be treated like a princess is selfish and shows a lot about your character. It means you think you’re better than everyone else and never willing to earn anything. Girls who call themselves princesses are always morons and the guys who refer to their girlfriends as princesses are just as dumb. Don’t label yourself something stupid like a princess. Be a good person and people will do good things for you. It’s that simple.

I hope every girl who refers to herself as a princess dies alone.

Better Than Bad 3D Movie Adaptations

Are you sick and tired of bad movies? I am. The only thing that can make a bad movie even better is when it is shot in 3D, right? That always makes up for the fact that the plot sucks, the action is lame, and it barely keeps true to the original story it was based on. Even worse, sometimes that original story wasn’t even that good, but they still make us read it in 11th grade then make us watch the bad 1970s film adaptation that has a 34% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Well, I’m sick of it all.

Not only are there many bad movies and books out there in the world, there is such little time to waste on them. Sure you can read Cliff Notes, but that feels like cheating to me. In high school I rarely would ever read any books that were assigned to us all the way through. Still, I somehow managed to graduate easily and I even got pretty good grades. I think the problem is the books they make us read in high school are incredibly outdated and lack the same kind of action that we can see in films we actually choose to see. What would be wrong with allowing students to choose from a list of books to read? Since nobody ever listens to me and my ideas, I decided to do high school students everywhere a favor. I took a classic book and a classic movie then combined the two. The result, The Gimp Gatsby.

Rather than tell you why you should pick up a FREE copy of this book today or during another time when it will be free, I will tell you more why this is a better investment than some of the other similar options out there, like a terrible glorified unnecessarily made film that you may hear about this weekend. Here are ten reasons why you should choose my book over this film.

1) My book is free. This movie will probably cost you around $12 or however much movies are.

2) My book will probably take longer than 2 hours to complete. You can also read it again whereas the movie you will only be able to watch once for the price you pay.

3) You already know the story in the film. Gay guy visits cousin, cousin is cheating on abusive husband with rich guy, cousin hits husband’s mistress with rich guy’s car, mistress’s husband thinks it was rich guy and kills rich guy, nothing else happens.

4) Only probably like three people will get killed in this 3D film which feels like a waste to me. If I made a 3D movie I would have bodies flying at the audience all the way through. Do you know how many people get killed in my book? A lot!

5) I’ll say thank you if you read it and your readership will actually make a difference. Nobody will thank you for seeing this movie and you’re just a number to them, a number based on money more than as an individual.

6) You will learn more about history from my book than you will this film. There are appearances by historical figures like Fatty Arbuckle, Lou Gehrig, Amelia Earhart, and more! You will also learn how the rabies vaccine was created and why The Titanic sunk.

7) Unlike the movie you can see this weekend, the gangsters in my book behave like real gangsters. They say “motherfucker” and they poop.

8) In a way, this saves you a lot of time. Not only do I cover a “Great American Novel” and pretty much summarize all of the important points you would ever need to know about it, I also cover everything you need to know about several of my favorite movies, most notably ones with a sexual submissive gimps in pawnshop basements.

9) Are you too pop-culture slow to not realize this is basically a combination of The Great Gatsby and Pulp Fiction? I really hope someone didn’t just say “Ohhhh!”

10) The 3D movie you can choose to see this weekend may make you want to go back to the 1920s. I’ll do you one better. I’ll make you glad you live in 2013. Time machines don’t exist yet. Any movie that’s best feature is that it makes you wish you lived in another era is not doing its job. This movie glorifies an era that was not very glamorous for many people. Don’t let the Moulin Rouge imagery fool you into wasting your time.

I did a post way back in September called Big Helpers where I needed places to visit in Los Angeles and 1920s things to try including. If anything I think this gives you a good estimation on how many months I went without touching this thing until I finally felt motivated to finish it.

This will probably be the last book I will bother you with for some time. It’s only free for today so pick up a copy. It’ll be free again other days, but I want to try spreading them out as I’m still trying to figure out this whole “becoming a popular author” thing. Is it too late to get Mark David Chapman to carry around a copy and shoot someone?

Poor Financial Investments

Human imposter (that’s what I call actors) Zach Braff (that’s what I call assholes) has turned to Kickstarter to help make a new movie. He has asked fans (even Hitler had supporters) to donate $2,000,000 to help make his film Wish I Was Here, something I would never say when referring to the film premiere of anything Zach Braff is involved with.

 

(A face only a mother could wish to abort)

Kickstarter if you don’t know is where wannabes turn when they want money to make their dreams come true. Usually it’s people who have lots of friends/are Catholics and have large families which is why I would never be able to under any circumstances do my own. I have no friends and as my grandpa used to say, “Pull it out and shoot it on her thigh” so I come from a pretty small family with this sexual advice.

Kickstarter has been pretty good for many people. I don’t have any examples, but some pretty genuine people with crappy ideas have indeed gotten the funds to make their lackluster dreams come true. Hey, it’s America. Everyone has the right to pursue happiness so long as happiness doesn’t come solely from strangling women. A lot of people have been outspoken about how this is a dick move by Braff to ask people for money to help produce a film since he easily has the required funds. I agree with them. At the same point, people have every right to spend money on whatever they want so long as that money isn’t spent on paying someone to strangle a woman.

 

(“Why strangle when you can punch a bitch?” – Chris ‘If You Support My Music You’re An Enabling Douche’ Brown)

I have an idea though. If funds are tight for Zach Braff and he wants to get in real good with the public, why doesn’t he somehow work in helping out others with this project? He can take the money and give out all of his shitty prizes like getting a 10 second recording of Zach Braff saying whatever you want (does he really have a recognizable voice that anyone would care to have this?) or a Zach Braff commemorative 8×10 photograph of him swimming in his royalty checks from Scrubs all he wants. I think if Braff really wants to be a cool guy though he’ll do something better, he’ll give other actors/directors/people who want to get into the industry a chance.

Here’s what Zach should promise. Zach should have a competition. In this competition there are opportunities for however many people he wants at whatever jobs he chooses to either intern or actually do the work. It’s all about to Mr. Braff how this goes down. Having all of these outside folks working on the project will not only give them the opportunity to add something nice to their resume, it will make sure this is indeed a project done by the people. Of course no one will unfortunately have the power to fire Zach Braff then make a better movie, but when you make a deal with the devil not everything will go your way.

 

(This is how Selena Gomez got famous)

I think the best thing any celebrity of any stature could ever do is get the fans involved. Zach Braff may think asking for money from the fans is getting them involved, but it isn’t. It’s like people who think donating to a presidential candidate helps them get elected. Did anyone really vote for Obama because he drank a beer with someone else after he got enough campaign funds to travel to Harrisburg? I hope not. How weak-minded could one person be?

32,376 people have so far donated $2,446,757 for this project. The average comes to around $75.50 which of course is inflated because it appears one jerk-off donated $10,000 to the project. I’m not saying this money could have been better spent elsewhere, but you’re foolish to think this was a good investment.

What awesome thing would you do with $2,446,757 if you could earn that much on Kickstarter?

And because I’m sure you’re in disbelief that anyone would give money to such a thing, here’s the link to his Kickstarter page. Please note, it’s already gone up about $120 since I copied and pasted this into WordPress. Fuck Us All.

Awakenings

I awoke one morning because a faint voice shouted out a mystery word. I’ve been trying to figure out what they meant. The possibilities are so endless. Sometimes the best way to solve the unknown is to share it with others. What could this mystery word possibly mean?

“Harold/Herald!” I hear yelled in an older gentleman’s voice. It was the kind of voice where I knew they had Irish-ties or were Hebrew. A little nasally and obnoxious.

This was the first thing I heard on Easter morning. My ideal first thing to hear on Easter morning would be three women’s voices simultaneously say “So handsome!” “So strong!” “Do you want 500 Cadbury Eggs or 501?”

 

(Is there anything better than a Cadbury Egg? If there is, you’re lying)

The most obvious thing that was being said here was that someone was calling for someone named Harold. They said it twice in the same hideously strained old man’s voice. Harold is a common enough name. Usually people who are given this name at birth go with Harry because they love dirty cop movies and it gives them an excuse not to shave.

Still, I’m not convinced. This was Easter Sunday after-all. “Hark the Herald Angels Sing…” is a popular Christmas tune. I think the title of the song is Jingle Bell Rocks and it does rock. I’m not too familiar with using herald as an adjective. Upon further research, it basically means someone with something important to say. I find this strange because everyone named Harold I have ever met has had nothing valuable to say about anything. They must have been the most poorly named people ever only to exception of some of the Indian women named Priti (pronounced “pretty”) whom I have met.

The word herald is also associated with many newspapers. The Miami Herald is a very popular paper. I don’t know how many people read it. I have a feeling the Miami Herald is usually spread out on a bathroom floor while Cuban drug dealers torture each other. Cubans hate cleaning bathroom floors. It perpetuates a longstanding stereotype they hope to end. I doubt this man was talking about the Miami Herald or any other newspaper for that matter. Although, this was Sunday so maybe he was yelling at his wife to get the Herald so he could look at coupons or crappy comics?

 

(A brief summary of this paper, the economy sucks, Mexicans are helpful, something about tomatoes, and people are bad drivers. I think we need a big war or something. This news is bland)

In New York City there’s Herald Square. It’s pretty small and whenever I have walked past it I always wonder what it is. Now I guess I know because I looked it up. I really hope I was not woken up because a man was yelling about a tiny park. But as neighbors will do, they enjoy yelling about stupid shit.

I don’t know who said, why it was said, or what their purpose was. This simple word will forever be leached into my brain as the word I woke up to on Easter 2013. It’s my Rosebud.

What’s the first thing you would like to hear on Easter morning?