Posts Tagged ‘life’

Almost as useless to modern society as a sacrifice to a sun, the crossing guard still leaves its mark on society. Each day as I walk to work I run into these elite members of society. They may not be the most talented among us nor are they needed what with the “left, right, left” theory. My bias opinion of crossing guards begins with the fact my grandpa cheated on his wife with one, setting forth motion of continuous failed marriages in my bloodline. Know that we have established full disclosure as to why I may not have a high opinion of crossing guards, let me introduce you to the ones I see every morning.

Stubby

Stubby is an older woman shaped like a tree trunk. She is round, close to the ground, and probably has squirrels defecate on her. I have never called her Stubby at any time other than this because she is pretty much irrelevant and hard to insult since she actually does her job somewhat well. I also see her smoking a lot while she helps children cross the street which feels wrong.

Tree_stump1_30u06

The Hot Grandmother

I am not saying this woman actually is a grandmother. She may not even be a mother. I never have been close enough to her to even tell anything about her as she has marked her territory across the street from my walking route. She looks to be a bit older and in decent enough shape. My theory is that she got pregnant when she was very young and her daughter did the same thing which is why this woman has to work a shit job after retirement. I think I just like her because she has a ponytail coming out from her hat. Hats are very necessary for crossing guards, just so you know. If they ever do get hit by a car and are completely annihilated the family will have something to bury, the hat.

The Cranky Old Guy

My favorite crossing guard is probably the cranky old guy. Sometimes he yells at people for jaywalking and other times he encourages it. He’s hard to read. Maybe he yells because he cares and maybe he encourages it hoping that someone might get hit. Imagine being a crossing guard and never seeing someone get hit by a bus. That’s like a cop never getting to fire his gun. The cranky old guy also has a cranky old guy voice. He says “Come on!” like he has somewhere to be other than headed toward the grave. Since I actually wrote this a few months ago I have developed a good standing with him where we see “Morning” to each other.

statler

“Go Ahead”

The laziest crossing guard of all is the guy who I have never seen step into the street with his stop sign to actually do his job. Instead he kind of waves his stop sign and says “Go ahead” to us pedestrians. I’m not sure why he thinks this is in his job description. All he has to do is step out into the road. Does he not want the powertrip that gives you, to stop traffic dead in its tracks? He’s probably a nice guy and all, but I would at least like to see my tax dollars that I do not pay go to more use.

The Singing Black Guy

There’s a black guy near the school every morning who seems to sing slave songs. I know he has a lot of resentment toward me as my ancestors’ only struggle in history was not having enough potatoes. Don’t get me wrong, a potato famine sound terrible. What did the Irish eat with their hamburgers back then if there were no chips or fries? What did they do with all of that extra butter? The singing black guy is indeed nice and I am now “boss” to him. Maybe he is actually just trying out for a musical version of The Green Mile. He has yet to ask me to take his hand though.

michaelclarkeduncan

You’re On Your Own Woman

The final crossing guard I see is at the busiest intersection of all. This lady will help pedestrians cross when the walk sign first changes then stop for the rest of the time, when cars are actually more likely to speed through. She basically is letting us mobile-impaired folks know that we are on our own when it comes to getting to our destination without getting Marcellus Wallace’ed. She behaves like I’m some kind of homeless man and she’s me, paying no attention to my existence. Do your job woman. You get to hold an octagonal sign. You’ve won life’s scratch-off lottery.

My earliest memory is me standing in my crib hearing the television from the other room. The weird thing about this memory is I see it from someone else’s perspective which leads me to believe this never happened. I have a lot of early memories like this. I remember the time I broke my leg when I was 2 or 3-years-old. I broke my leg after jumping off the stairs trying to fly like Peter Pan. I think this happened to a lot of kids except with Superman. I always liked Batman more so I would imitate him by saying both of my parents were dead.

The way I remember breaking my leg, I fell down the stairs in a very Homer Simpson-like way bouncing off of every stair I hit making humorous noises each time. When I reached the bottom I did a flip and then two people were sitting in the room playing checkers and one turned to the other and said “King me!” This couldn’t possibly have happened either because my memory is from the house I grew up in and I broke it in another house I don’t remember at all.

Some of my first memories though are true. I remember the first time going to a friend’s house and him excusing himself to use the bathroom. Ten minutes later I heard him yell, “Mom! I’m done. Come wipe my butt!”

The first day I rode the school bus the driver pulled over and told us a short story. He said that the year before there was some kid who would always bring his pail to school. This is a pail like you would bring to the beach to fill up with sand then throw into someone’s eyes. His sob story ended with him saying he wanted to pass the pail to someone else. The way he told the story was so marvelous. He asked if anyone wanted the pail and of course everyone did because he made it seem so beautiful. He selected the closest kid to him, a kid named Bobby that always ate cupcakes.

shovel and pail(The shovel and pail falls somewhere between the kite and wooden horse on fun)

 

I experienced losing for the first time in my life. About three years later that same bus driver punched a high school student who gave him sass and his name being Lester made him Lester the Molester which if you think about it is very unfair. He punched her in the face. He should be Lester the Arrester or Lester the Nester as in he nests  his fist into the jaws of young girls in the mid-90s.

I also remember seeing a few movies in the theaters. When I saw Aladdin so many more people came into the theater later that they restarted the movie. There would be a riot if they did that today. So I had to watch that terrifying scene with the lion face in the sand eat the fat guy twice.

aladdin cave of wonders(Back when Disney was focused mostly on scaring kids to death)

What I’m trying to say here is it doesn’t matter what you do to your kid before a certain age. Lock them in a closet or buy them expensive cakes. They’re not going to remember much.

I have not been updating this blog as much as I had planned this month. One could say I have been as busy as a beaver!

The first week this month I spent reliving Groundhog’s Day over and over again. It was really terrible having to watch that boring Super Bowl so many times. I actually didn’t watch it. This is called taking creative liberty like when people talk about slavery existing. Yeah right! Where’s the evidence?

slaves-in-field(Clearly Photoshopped! The guy in the back on the far right has a butt with 90 degree angles)

Then I was not home for a few days because I was staying with my girlfriend Molly.

Molly1

 

MollyClimbing

 

Then I came home and continued on with a normal life.

On Monday I received terrible news midday. Yahoo Sports where I have been writing terrific articles and making a nice coin while doing so will no longer accept contributions from asses like me beginning February 21st. After only 23 articles I have already gotten more views than I have from this blog. I’ve also been called an idiot a lot more too, I’m sure. I never look at the comments.

Upset by the news I arrived home where I actually received some awesome news. My sports blog Phalse Philly Sports has been discovered by several radio personalities in Philadelphia (okay, two of them) but one has actually mentioned my blog at least twice on his show and how much he loves it. He is also giving me the opportunity to produce a weekly segment for his show, which I will be working on this weekend after writing jokes for it all week long.

writing(My best joke it goes “Small squiggly line, big squiggly line, m, ink blot”)

I will continue to be a busy beaver into next week as I would like to write as many articles as I can for Yahoo Sports before they discontinue their program. There is supposedly a chance they could return to letting people like me contribute, but there is no guarantee.

That’s what I have been up to. I’d ask you what you have been doing, but I already told you about me and the only reason to ever ask anyone what they are up to or how they are feeling is so they ask you back. I said what I had to. Now be gone!

I don’t feel bad for very many people. In fact there is only one person in the world right now I feel bad for. I saw him a few minutes ago.

This man is anywhere from 60 to 4,893,081-years-old. Chances are he is closer to the lower end. He is a pizza delivery guy that works at the Dominoes down the street from me. Or is it Dominos. I think it’s the second one. Dominoes would be what we would call if the Keira Knightley character Domino was cloned. And if she were to be cloned she would get played with by Puerto Rican men all day long.

keira_knightley(This woman’s body and acting ability is so flat I think she is a domino)

I feel bad for this ancient pizza delivery man because he looks miserable. This isn’t some job he has to get out and meet people. He’s busting his ass delivering food to teenagers too high on the marijuana to safely cook something themselves. They probably tip him bad. I think we have all been around friends who insist on not tipping. The odd thing is most people that are bad tippers have shitty jobs their entire lives so it comes back to haunt them like my grandfather does me.

I cry pepperoni tears for this man. The weather right now is really cold and his born in the 1940s bones are probably aching. Just because this man probably committed some awful war atrocities in Southeast Asia does not mean he should have to live out the end of his life  suffering with a job he clearly hates. It’s not his fault his hands and face are too gross to actually touch the pizza. We should blame God for that.

godfrey(Or we can just blame comedian Godfrey. I mean, he’s black and has hair different from me)

Sadly the only thing I can do to help him is pray for his death. Maybe in an attempt to get the pizza somewhere in 30 minutes or less he will get hit by a tractor-trailer and crushed between two large sheets of steel. I imagine the joy on his face when the police show up and admit to him that once the truck and his delivery car are separated, his guts will spill out from his waist and kill him. This is the best option for this poor old man.

Old people call their underwear their “unmentionables.” I am not old. I call my underwear “transportable shit rags” because that’s the basic purpose of them.

underwear-filter-fart-640x416(This is how actors prepare for roles that require bad teeth)

I am not posting this brief work of art however to talk about underpants. Instead it’s just a little post about what you can expect from this blog in the future. I don’t say this to make you eager. I don’t mention this to get you excited. I’m only making this declaration mostly for myself. I would like to be able to post a little more frequently on this blog, even if the posts are not as long as they used to be. In fact that would be better. If I write two paragraphs than everyone would read 50%.

As I approach the 600 Blog Post Club, a number that has a big fat asterisks because I made one post private when I wanted to post it somewhere else and never bothered to really fix it so I could never really determine an official number, I would like to get it over with sooner rather than later. My goal would be by the end of February and about a little over 15 away (nobody has ever said “a little over 15″ in their life except when giving a guilty verdict) this is absolutely doable.

DAKOTA FANNING at Now is Good Premiere(Do you know what else is doable? Dakota Fanning! She is more than a little over 15 at 19 years old. Have at it Seinfeld!)

Since most of my blog posts I already have written are nothing too exciting, I want to make the majority of them about my unmentionables; things I would not normally blog about. They may range everything from the inappropriate to secrets I never shared with others. I’ll also probably toss in other garbage too you don’t care about. Of course they will still come through in the same familiar voice I have always delivered full of typos and ill-thought ideas. I am far too uninterested in making sure everything on a blog reads well. I have other things to do like overeat and hate myself immediately after.

My primary reason for trying to expand into writing about things I normally would not is to knock down what little wall I keep up. I would like to build up more of an ability to be incredibly open, honest, and detailed while not offending others involved too much. Basically I just want to say mean shit about people who said mean shit about me and not feel bad about it because deep down inside I really do feel bad whenever I make people upset.

apocalypse_2024

 

As those grim commercials about old people coffins might say, “It’s never too late to plan for your future.” And that’s exactly what this is. I have set my goals for 2014. Now it’s time for me to set my goals for 2024.

-Win Jennifer Lawrence back. I figure divorce will be really common in 10 years and J-Law and me will have a few of them. I’m pretty sure we’ll marry at least half a dozen times and end up together. It may surprise you that I don’t plan to marry Malin Akerman. She has fallen ill in my eyes ever since she had a baby. She will also be gross and in her 40s in 10 years.

-Don’t get eaten by my neighbor. Cannibalism Holocausts are just one week of a food shortage away from happening. Have you been to the grocery section at Walmart recently? They never have anything good. The end is near.

-Set the new home run record. I’m predicting I will get hit by a car at some point. After reconstructive surgery I will be built with the best parts of every baseball player. I will have Mark McGwire’s forearms, Barry Bonds’s swing, Sammy Sosa’s English (it will help to avoid interviews), and Rafael Palmeiro’s erect penis. I think I’ll hit somewhere around 180.

-Destroy all machines/electronic devices I own. This will have nothing to do with a machine uprising. This will be more about a cry for help.

-Go a month without getting carded at the bar. Imagine how young I would feel to be nearing 40 and have no one card me at the bar! Of course, bars will be run by robots then and since 90% of the population was killed by a meteor, the drinking age will be 7. It’s only at 7 because that is the age all children are required to kill a person to earn adulthood.

-Travel more. I’ll probably visit Jupiter or maybe I’ll go to the post office like I promised myself I would 10 years earlier.

-Register to vote. I am nor was I ever a registered voter. Can you be one and then cancel? That seems so permanent. I would like to register in 2024 though because Hitler III is running for Czar of America and I want to vote for him. He’s not as evil as his granddad. America also has Czars because everything is very retro to Russian culture.

-Finish the first season of Orange is the New Black. Nah. It wasn’t very good.

-See a woman naked. I don’t want the first woman I see naked to be a picture on the computer. I’m realistic. I probably will never see a woman naked until 2024. I also do not count seeing someone run naked after a nuclear reactor blows and the clothing is burned off them. That happens in 2017 a lot.

-Be a better person. Since it’s 2024, all I have to do is pay the government and they will give me a certificate that says I am a better person. The future is easy.

What are your 2024 goals?

2014-image2

These are my goals for 2014. There are many like them but these goals are mine.

-Earn enough money from writing where I have to pay taxes on my earnings. Or at least combined from different sources. I would really rather not pay taxes on anything at all. I think the total is $600 when you have to pay taxes. I made a little under $200 in 2013, most of it in the latter half. I will not count any money I make from writing time I put in at work since I get an hourly wage to sit there and write fake news stories about dogs.

-Not have any new daily body pains show up. I can’t believe I’ve managed to go as long as I have with daily pain somewhere on my body. What’s the age where people start complaining about it? I know this is normal. I just want to know when I’ll be obnoxious and remind everyone constantly.

-Make one friend. I made two of them in 2013. One shouldn’t be too hard.

-Destroy that one new friend’s soul. Why get something new if you cannot crush it?

-Make a whole lot of money. I’m not going to set a total amount. I already am making more at my job after 5 months than I did at my old job I was at for 8 years. The company currently employs 6 people so if one person dies I probably get a big portion of their unused cash. The one guy eats candy every day for breakfast and lunch so he’ll probably croak soon.

-Continue to become more responsible. Believe it or not, I am very responsible. Never once have I left the stove on when I left the apartment (no one ever taught me how to turn it on), I rarely get my lip stuck in my coat zipper (I broke the zipper off on the first day), and my criminal record is on a clean slate (I love the word expunged!). Not to brag or anything, but I’m a real adult.

-Travel more. I already have plans to visit the post office again. It’s a mile walk away.

-Learn a new skill. I’ve always wondered if I could survive a cannonball shot to my stomach.

-Clean my bellybutton more often. I actually clean it every day. Somehow though I think if we played a game called “In My Bellybutton or On the Ground?” I would stump you 50% of the time.

Do you have any goals for 2014? I’m sure if you have one it’s still better than my half-assed ones.

I need to come up with some plans for New Year’s Eve. Traditionally this holiday was spent watching movies, eating snacks, and staying up as late as possible. This sounds cool until I look back and realize most New Year’s Eves I have had were very disappointing. Never once did Jay-Z show up and invite me to some rooftop party. When will my life be a movie?

Jay-Z_@_Shawn_'Jay-Z'_Carter_Foundation_Carnival_(crop_2)(Damn it I wish I was this ugly and people felt bad for me and gave me money like what happened to Jay-Z)

Last year I spent New Year’s Eve at my dad’s place. My new apartment had its power shut off because I didn’t bother moving in there until really late in the month despite having ownership since the beginning of December. So at one point I was in possession of two apartments, which sounds pretty cool–the same way I would brag about my dad having two jobs and two girlfriends (not including my mom) when I was younger. Less is not more. Less is just better and not as damaging to a child’s psyche.

In years previous to that alcohol was involved or I abstained from alcohol because I didn’t feel like starting the New Year chewing on my blankets wishing I was dead from a hangover. The worst were the years my sister and I would have parties and none of my friends I told everyone I had would show up. I would usually retreat to my bedroom and watch King of the Hill. At least Bill Dauterive was more pathetic.

bill d(This could very well be my future)

I spent one New Year’s at a friend’s house and I’m not even sure why I was friends with him. I think it was because I needed something to do on New Year’s Eve so I planned it out five years in advance and earned his trust. We didn’t do much and I remember hiding from old high school classmates buying ice cream in the only open place in the town, a 24-hour drug store. I don’t think anything should be open on New Year’s Eve. That’s not fair. People should be allowed to celebrate or have the chance to kill themselves in private.

When I was really young I would engage in the earlier mentioned snacking and movie watching. This was pretty much what I did every weekend anyway. For some reason the only movie I remember watching on New Year’s Eve was Ghosts of Mars. I also remember eating mozzarella sticks while watching it because nothing makes a bad John Carpenter movie better than fried cheese. Hell, nothing is better than fried cheese.

 mozarella sticks(I’d give it all up just to be near you)

This year I have no current plans on what to do. I certainly don’t want to go to Times Square because that’s just asking to stand in the cold alone with high hopes only to be upset with the results. I also can’t stay at home because I don’t have a television. How will I know when the ball has dropped??? Do I need to buy a watch? Take everyone’s word for it?

What will most likely happen is I’ll have a movie marathon at home and eat popcorn because I have been craving popcorn ever since I saw it at the grocery store. Does ever happen to you? Do you ever see food at the grocery store and then remember it exists?

Best of luck to you all in 2014. Except for you. You can die.

As promised to the 0 people who were anticipating the follow-up, here is the list of things I have kicked ass at this past year.

A Cool Job:

I have a 9-5 job and it’s actually cool. I make *enough* money and I’m pretty much the as the Spanish would call it, grande queso. I had no experience going into the job other than not lying on my resume like the other people who applied. Now I get to play with dogs and get yelled at for not posting enough on Facebook. I even am getting to write my own “The Onion” style newspaper for work and asked my boss if I can do video editing, which I will get paid overtime for. So basically when I’m not blogging here it’s because I’m getting paid to do similar things elsewhere. The coolest thing is that I used to get in trouble for doing the same things I get paid to do now. Okay I’m beginning to brag. But really my job is pretty cool and I’m very lucky.

cool job(I take it back. My job isn’t this therefore it sucks)

I Haven’t Gotten Too Fat:

I really have no clue what shape I am in compared to last year. I think I’m in less good of shape because we have pizza too much at work. Here I am talking about work like it’s all I do. I do other things too like leave work and go there. I’m in a state where I can either have nice legs and arms with a disgusting excuse for a midsection or look hungry all of the time. That’s just the way my body works. But I haven’t gotten too fat, I know that much. Success!

cartoon_chef_4b(When I look in the mirror this is what I see minus the badass hat)

I Made 2 Friends:

This is going to sad real sad so it makes up for the me bragging earlier. I made 2 friends this year. Not only that, I haven’t made a single friend in the last 5 years. Well, I have. I just didn’t keep any for very long. I think I tend to wear on people or kill them. Who knows? I made a few other friends this year and none lasted. The two friends I did make were via Craigslist and both would be in my Top 8 on MySpace.

top8(I’d probably bump Alan and C-Dawg for them. Neither wished me a happy birthday)

I Really Don’t Care About Stupid Things Anymore:

Okay I’m lying. I do care about stupid things a lot. Fortunately I care about them slightly less. Like so what if someone doesn’t find me pretty? It’s their loss! Right? Maybe not. I guess what I should really say here is while I still question a lot I am very sure of myself. I know my opinion matters and is valuable. I know–not much else. That’s all that matters though, that I know one thing.

Grand Opening Of Kardashian Khaos At The Mirage Hotel & Casino(Here are some stupid things I never once cared about)

I Am Making Money Writing:

Aside from coming up with clever and cute things to say on Facebook, I get paid for writing my Yahoo articles. I was even honored as one of the top contributors. Top 500 contributors. I wanted to leave out the 500 because that makes it seem like any jackass can win it. Still, it’s cool to finally earn a few bucks from writing about sometimes things I want to write about.

No Picture Just Click on the Link

I’m Generally Happy:

As I type this alone in a dark bedroom with a Band-Aid on my thumb sitting on the bed because I have no couch, icing my knee and ankle due to constant pain, starving myself because I may have gotten too fat, listening to a baby cry outside on a Sunday night before work, it’s hard for me to be too depressed. I mean I really would rather not go to work tomorrow and all. Sleeping in and relaxing tomorrow sounds so much better. I can complain, but I shouldn’t. I have a pretty good idea where I am going in life and it’s not the worst place. I’m not stagnant and sometimes that’s all we can hope for. Awww. That was kind of sweet in an insulting way to anyone reading this in a stagnant place in life.

Married-couple(Stagnant people where life has become predictable)

Unsuccess is not a word. I chose it though because using failure is demeaning and too accurate to my 2013 year. You can’t spell the made up word unsuccess without success. It’s being a little more positive. For instance, I believe the glass is always half empty. The glass is half empty because it started out that way and the end result is an empty glass always. Glass half full means more will be added and even if this were the case eventually the glass would overflow with root beer and that’s the semen of colas. I think it’s because how sticky it is.

root beer(Not sure how a liquid qualifies as food. Oh wait, it’s American. That’s why)

Anyway, I want to do a brief review of everything I have unsuccessed at this past year. Yes, I know I should probably say “been unsuccessful at” but I’ve already explained, there’s nothing full or ful about bad news.

Writing Failures:

I entered a lot of contests this year. It’s odd too because New Year’s Eve I got my first professional review and it was pretty good. I thought this was the year my dreams would come true. Not so fast. I’m a white male living in the worst time period to be a white male. I didn’t bother entering another contest because they look for diverse people and last year I lied and said I was Jewish and had a speech impediment to sound diverse. I had two scripts entered into one contest, neither of which received any awards despite one being absolutely terrific. I failed again with another script for the third year in a row in this contest. I’ve submitted something different every year too. I also stayed within the required page range. What am I doing wrong? And this is the same network that brought us The New Girl I’m entering to.

ng_30_bath_group_1_2813_R2.jpg(Their living situation is complicated and they are diverse. So funny)

Other Creative Failures:

Remember when I thought for sure I would be on the radio? Yeah that was silly of me. I’m not sure the guy who won actually got anything out of it. He was probably like me and lied about where he lived and they found out. The worst thing was I failed twice at this. It sucks to fail once. Failing twice is even harder. I can’t even give the “this has never happened before” excuse because it has happened, and twice right there in front of everybody. That really broke my heart because I thought I put on a bigger effort than some of the other douches. And yes they are douches, mostly because they got something I did not.

tim and carter final image(July-Good luck everyone! December-Fuck you all)

Girl Failures:

How quiickly can I sum up my failures with the 3 billion of these things on the planet? The first one I remember failing with was because she took my joke that we should get married too serious I suppose and stopped talking. Another one accused me of biting her, which was total bullshit because she said she would have sex with me if she didn’t like me. What’s a boy to think? The biggest failure was the one who I liked so much I made her last name a password of mine. We got along great and then suddenly she began ignoring me until finally she deleted me from Facebook. So basically I can never say I hope another human being doesn’t get cancer.

Hitler in Paris(The last girl was a big Francophile so I’m dedicating this picture to her)

Other Writing Failures:

Before I discovered Yahoo, oh wonderful Yahoo and your willingness to accept anything, I tried submitting to College Humor and another website, McSweeney’s or something like that. I don’t know. Nobody reads it. Everything I submitted to both websites were rejected. I submitted a lot too. A daily routine of mine was writing as much for them all morning long until my afternoon jazzercise program. Eventually I gave up because as you can see above, I was getting a little too comfortable with the fail.

Cho Seung-Hui(Probably the only college student who would appreciate my humor)

Life in General:

Life itself is a fail for me. The worst thing about it is that all of these failures have made me a bad person. I’m not even trying to get people to say “Oh stop! You’re such a sweetie pie.” Not that I would stop you. I find myself through all of these failures becoming bitterer and spiteful which in the end makes me manipulative and unsympathetic. It’s really hard to get me to feel bad for anyone, although I would pretend to do it if I could get something in return. So basically my failings have turned me into a monster. This will turn out well for no one.

tongue(I actually like how the tongue is a good progression of a person. You start off sweet, become a little salty, then turn sour, and finally end up bitter)

What have you failed at this year?

I will also do a follow-up to this with my 2013 successes just so you know I’m not a whiny bitch, which I am but I am trying to manipulate you into thinking I am not.