My earliest memory is me standing in my crib hearing the television from the other room. The weird thing about this memory is I see it from someone else’s perspective which leads me to believe this never happened. I have a lot of early memories like this. I remember the time I broke my leg when I was 2 or 3-years-old. I broke my leg after jumping off the stairs trying to fly like Peter Pan. I think this happened to a lot of kids except with Superman. I always liked Batman more so I would imitate him by saying both of my parents were dead.
The way I remember breaking my leg, I fell down the stairs in a very Homer Simpson-like way bouncing off of every stair I hit making humorous noises each time. When I reached the bottom I did a flip and then two people were sitting in the room playing checkers and one turned to the other and said “King me!” This couldn’t possibly have happened either because my memory is from the house I grew up in and I broke it in another house I don’t remember at all.
Some of my first memories though are true. I remember the first time going to a friend’s house and him excusing himself to use the bathroom. Ten minutes later I heard him yell, “Mom! I’m done. Come wipe my butt!”
The first day I rode the school bus the driver pulled over and told us a short story. He said that the year before there was some kid who would always bring his pail to school. This is a pail like you would bring to the beach to fill up with sand then throw into someone’s eyes. His sob story ended with him saying he wanted to pass the pail to someone else. The way he told the story was so marvelous. He asked if anyone wanted the pail and of course everyone did because he made it seem so beautiful. He selected the closest kid to him, a kid named Bobby that always ate cupcakes.
I experienced losing for the first time in my life. About three years later that same bus driver punched a high school student who gave him sass and his name being Lester made him Lester the Molester which if you think about it is very unfair. He punched her in the face. He should be Lester the Arrester or Lester the Nester as in he nests his fist into the jaws of young girls in the mid-90s.
I also remember seeing a few movies in the theaters. When I saw Aladdin so many more people came into the theater later that they restarted the movie. There would be a riot if they did that today. So I had to watch that terrifying scene with the lion face in the sand eat the fat guy twice.
What I’m trying to say here is it doesn’t matter what you do to your kid before a certain age. Lock them in a closet or buy them expensive cakes. They’re not going to remember much.