Three Things

Thing #1: I have since added many more comics to my Held Back Series to the page I created exclusive for these. If you enjoy these then check the page every so often because I add to it whenever I can. If you don’t like them then wait until Sunday when you can read your Family Circus.

Thing #2: I wrote a piece for this blog a while back about how I was going to be contributing to some website that was starting up. The start-up date kept getting pushed back like a newborn whose parents aren’t ready, and this was a surefire sign that things would eventually die out. It did die out. Or at least the face I haven’t heard back in a month from the lady and she said it was going to start by June 1st, it’s safe to say she gave up all of her hopes and dreams, died, or whatever other possibilities there are. I’m pretty sure she just gave up because everyone she was working with was being difficult, as possible tend to be. With that said, I’m probably going to start posting a few things I wrote for that site here instead since I have 40 pages worth of movie reviews, music reviews, and a few fake news stories.

Thing #3: I’m entering some radio contest and I’m going to need your slight help with it. By slight help I mean you really don’t have to do anything, but it would help if you went to the site and left a comment like “Oh wow that’s awesome. Put this guy on the radio!” This isn’t a contest where you win based on how many friends you have either, although I think they’re giving a separate prize for that. You’ll have no idea what I’m talking about it any of the videos since it’s Philadelphia sports specific, but that doesn’t matter. I’m pretty sure everyone else just gets their stupid friends to comment and rate highly. Now I’m going to need my stupid friends to do the same thing. I’ll have more information on this later in the week, hopefully. I’m really excited about it though and for the first time in a while think I have a legitimate chance at this. I’m submitting two videos, one by myself and one with a black guy I met on Craigslist. It actually doesn’t matter how or where we met, but I think between the two videos at least one can get me what I want, a really sweet dream job.

(I would hate to send the perfect job back in the other direction)

Film Character Issues

Here’s something I wrote up and submitted somewhere and they were like “this isn’t what we’re looking for.” This wasn’t terrific, but it’s never fun to get an email from an intern telling you you’re no good. It was another middle finger to my ego. Saying it’s not what you’re looking for is the worst rejection there is. If you girl or a guy tells you that you’re not good enough, there’s always room for improvement. “Not what we’re looking for” means you’re probably as good as it’s going to get so you should just shoot yourself already. M’lord I hate everyone.

Film Characters Who Needed to Get Laid to Solve Their Issues

In Martin Scorcese’s classic film Taxi Driver, the main character Travis Bickle approaches an all-knowing cab driver he knows nicknamed “The Wizard” for advice on life. Wiz’s advice is simple, “Get drunk. Get laid.” It’s not long after Travis decides to take things into his own hands and attempts to assassinate a presidential candidate. Perhaps if Travis had listened to the advice and gotten his whistle and dick wet then he would have had a happier ending.

Travis Bickle is one of the most memorable film characters. He’s inspired angry young men everywhere who cannot get laid to shave their heads into the Mohawk fashion. He’s not the only awesome character who would have had a less dangerous life if only he could just get laid.

Blondie from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly played by Clint Eastwood:

Blondie doesn’t seem to have much of a mission in life other than collect as much gold as he can. What does he need all the gold for? He has no taxes to pay, no cell phone bill to worry about, and never buys new designer clothing. Not once in the film does Blondie even suggest he has sexual thoughts about women. The only thing cowboys ever used their gold on was booze and sex with prostitutes. All Blondie needed was a woman to give him some attention and he wouldn’t have had to go on such a wild adventure. Blondie was a good enough looking man to land a woman. Put down your gun and work up a smile. Women love a guy who smiles.

Murphy McManus and Connor McManus from The Boondock Saints played by Sean Patrick Flannery and Norman Reedus:

Brothers Murphy and Conner McManus are the duo known as The Boondock Saints. They’re sick of all the gangsters and scum in Boston and they’ve decided to take control by savagely killing them in a sometimes ritualistic fashion. After two movies though, there is no hint that either brother so much as jerks off to naked pictures of women. There is no love interest in either film. In fact, the brothers sleep beside one another on mattresses in their filthy apartment. They have a very Frasier and Niles Crane relationship where it’s unclear if it’s incestuous or not. The sequel starts off with them living at their father’s place in Ireland. These guys need to get away from daddy and find some dames.

Every Batman Villain played by numerous people:

As cool as The Joker, Bane, and other Batman villains have been, none ever have sex with willing partners. Isn’t one of the best parts about sex when you don’t have to worry about them going to the cops the next morning? The Joker was a handsome man sans makeup, Bane has a body any woman would want to mount her, and even The Penguin played by Danny Devito has awesome duck boats that could win a girl’s heart. Instead of trying to kill everyone in Gotham City these guys should have all gotten together and hit up a bar. At least one of them would have left with a phone number and that’s the first step in entering a long-lasting loving sex-filled relationship.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt in everything he does:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt has become “the average guy” in many ways. He’s cute, smart, and has a lot of demons on the inside. In real life Joseph Gordon-Levitt needs to only say the words “Hey, I’m Joseph Gordon-Levitt” and he will be able to snatch up nearly every woman in the room. In the movies it’s different, Joseph has trouble getting laid. In 500 Days of Summer he gets so hooked on Zooey Deschanel’s character Summer that over the course of those 500 days she’s the only person he sleeps with. Gay! The film 10 Things I Hate About You was all about him trying to get Heath Ledger to sleep with Julia Stiles so he could sleep with The Secret World of Alex Mack girl. Angels in the Outfield would have been a lot different if he got laid. He was so caught up in becoming a family again with his father. Once a man discovers the wonders a vagina can provide he doesn’t give two shits about seeing his dad for the holidays. Get this kid some poon.

“Alexander Supertramp” from Into the Wild played by Emile Hirsch

Opinions on the character Alexander Supertramp from Into the Wild are black and white. People will either say what he did was inspiring or completely stupid. There’s very little grey area. The guy tossed his life away, got rid of all his worldly possessions, and traveled around the country until ultimately he ended up in the Alaskan wilderness to live alone. Anyone who thinks this is a good idea has never gotten a good blow job in his life. I hate people as much as the next, but geez, I could never give up receiving blow jobs for spiritual freedom. A young Kristen Stewart does offer herself up to him at one point. Alexander decided it was better to eat a poison berry than to get involved with her.

V from V for Vendetta played by Hugo Weaving:

V is a man who was wronged by a dictatorial government. He’s got a vendetta against them, hence the name of the film. Unfortunately for him though he has to wear a weird Guy Fawkes mask because his skin was so terrible burnt. V has no chance at getting laid ever again. Can he even masturbate? I’d imagine his dick would break off like a fried chicken finger if he tried to. V has every right to want to get back at the government. Nobody should be denied the right to have sex with other consenting adults. Natalie Portman should have taken one for the team, taken a knee, and given V a nice tug. Sure, a terrible Fascist government would still have been in place, but at least one more guy will feel relaxed about the state of the world.

Howard Beale from Network played by Peter Finch:

News anchor Howard Beale is mad as hell and he’s not going to take it anymore. Sick of the world and how much bullshit there is, Beale states on his newscast that he plans to kill himself live on the air. I think it’s common for people to want to kill themselves. I don’t trust someone who doesn’t think about it frequently. The best cure for suicide isn’t pills, a friendly ear to listen to you, or learning to accept life for the problems it sometimes has. The best way to cure those suicidal thoughts is banging a broad. Were there no interns at this station willing to have sex with him in hopes it would get them hired full-time?

Rosemary’s Baby from Rosemary’s Baby played by Satan:

Rosemary is pregnant with the devil’s child and almost ready to give birth. How many whiskey sours did she have nine months earlier that she somehow managed to get knocked up by Beelzebub? You have to wonder though, why would Satan’s child be evil? My father is a Republican but that doesn’t mean I have to be a douchebag too. Rosemary frets that she’s bringing the Antichrist into the world. If you’ve learned anything from this article it’s that there is in fact a way to stop the Antichrist from creating hell on earth, get that baby a hooker.

Pretty Awkward Girls

Sometimes I wish I was in high school these days to see what it was like. I’m not that old and even already things have changed a ton. My high school had only a minimal Internet connection. This was a strange thing because I took a class on website design without actually having access to the Internet. I have no clue what they were thinking because it didn’t make any sense at all. I think schools do have Internet now, right? They must. I still remember being 17 and a kid got porn on his PSP and it was a big deal. Man those were the innocent days of 2005.

One growing trend I have noticed is how it’s cool for people to be nerds. Of course we’re all smart enough to know these hipsters are phonies. A good majority of them are attractive and are doing this because the attention they get is never enough. They wear fake glasses, tattered clothes, and grow obnoxious beards for the lone sake of being ironic. People are supposed to care about the way they look and now these hipsters spend twice as much time looking “accidentally pretty.” This goes for the males and females. Any male who spends more time on his appearance and enjoys shopping is indeed a pretty man. The only things a man should ever enjoy buying are condoms and duct tape, always together in case something goes wrong.

Not necessarily hipsters, but still pretty awkward girls who are outcasts and nobody seems to like them are all over television and in movies. I know that last sentence was poorly written and my back hurts way too bad to try to figure out how to make it more readable. My apologies. But you get what I’m saying right? In real life when a girl is pretty she’s pretty. She has confidence and the world is for the most part hers. It takes me out of a movie whenever I see girls who appear both in looks and her personality to be totally viable dating candidates. Here are a few I have noticed aka the part where you can skip down to.

Linda Cardellini (Lindsay Weir) from Freaks and Geeks

I get it that she acts a little strange, but she’s certainly got a cute enough smile to not be such an outcast. Couldn’t they get someone a little less attractive? It’s not like she went on to do anything after other than work as a nurse on ER. That’s the equivalent of a red shirt on Star Trek or a Storm Trooper in Star Wars or an ogre in Lord of the Rings or a British kid in Harry Potter or….

Ashley Rickards (Bethany Pruitt) from Sassy Pants

I finally watched this movie, the one with Haley Joel Osment as a gay person. It was actually pretty good and the main girl was so sad and pathetic and pretty I wanted to hug her and tell her that things will get better. There is no way a girl as cute as her would ever have the problems she did. This girl is also the star of an MTV show called Awkward. Just no. She looks like she would be really mean to me if I ever tried talking to her.

Tara Lynne Barr (Roxy)  from God Bless America

At one point in the film the girl wants to know if she’s pretty. Of course she is. I mean, don’t you have to in order to be an actress not named Cher? Then again Cher kind of made her career as a musician more than an actress so she’s a bad example. TLB as her fans would call her would never need to go on a killing spree in order to find something more to live for. If she has really bad self-esteem she could always date Mitchell Musso.

Alison Brie (Annie Edison)  from Community

I think in the first season they had no idea she would get as popular as she did. About midway through they started sexualizing her because they realized they had a big-breasted gem cupped in the palm of their hands. On the show she plays a nerdy girl who studies a lot. I don’t remember any pretty girls ever studying when I was in school. They were all too busy trying to memorize really mean lines on how to reject me. Why must you hurt me so much Alison Brie?

Anyone from Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, etc.

Case in point, all three of these girls played slightly awkward girls on their own Disney Channel shows. The one in the middle was this past year’s #2 on Maxim’s Top 100 hottest. The one on the right was #1. Poor Demi Lovato on the far left (and yes you probably didn’t know who that girl was) only finished at #26. Often discussed by me on Kidz Showz, we are made to believe that pretty girls can be dorky too. I blame Zooey Deschanel. She is probably the least klutzy person ever. If she was as big of a dork as she pretended to be she wouldn’t be famous, end of story. I don’t buy this klutzy Zooey thing. Shouldn’t her legs be covered in bruises?

I don’t know what the point of this was other than to try standing up for the true average girls out there. You know, the girls with the ugly smiles and faulty skin. Sometimes I like looking at pictures of celebrities without makeup. Although these pictures are purposefully unflattering, I still think the average everyday female is more attractive than some glammed up actress.

So what’s the solution? I need to remember that movies and TV shows are not accurate portrayals of life.

Better Than Bad 3D Movie Adaptations

Are you sick and tired of bad movies? I am. The only thing that can make a bad movie even better is when it is shot in 3D, right? That always makes up for the fact that the plot sucks, the action is lame, and it barely keeps true to the original story it was based on. Even worse, sometimes that original story wasn’t even that good, but they still make us read it in 11th grade then make us watch the bad 1970s film adaptation that has a 34% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Well, I’m sick of it all.

Not only are there many bad movies and books out there in the world, there is such little time to waste on them. Sure you can read Cliff Notes, but that feels like cheating to me. In high school I rarely would ever read any books that were assigned to us all the way through. Still, I somehow managed to graduate easily and I even got pretty good grades. I think the problem is the books they make us read in high school are incredibly outdated and lack the same kind of action that we can see in films we actually choose to see. What would be wrong with allowing students to choose from a list of books to read? Since nobody ever listens to me and my ideas, I decided to do high school students everywhere a favor. I took a classic book and a classic movie then combined the two. The result, The Gimp Gatsby.

Rather than tell you why you should pick up a FREE copy of this book today or during another time when it will be free, I will tell you more why this is a better investment than some of the other similar options out there, like a terrible glorified unnecessarily made film that you may hear about this weekend. Here are ten reasons why you should choose my book over this film.

1) My book is free. This movie will probably cost you around $12 or however much movies are.

2) My book will probably take longer than 2 hours to complete. You can also read it again whereas the movie you will only be able to watch once for the price you pay.

3) You already know the story in the film. Gay guy visits cousin, cousin is cheating on abusive husband with rich guy, cousin hits husband’s mistress with rich guy’s car, mistress’s husband thinks it was rich guy and kills rich guy, nothing else happens.

4) Only probably like three people will get killed in this 3D film which feels like a waste to me. If I made a 3D movie I would have bodies flying at the audience all the way through. Do you know how many people get killed in my book? A lot!

5) I’ll say thank you if you read it and your readership will actually make a difference. Nobody will thank you for seeing this movie and you’re just a number to them, a number based on money more than as an individual.

6) You will learn more about history from my book than you will this film. There are appearances by historical figures like Fatty Arbuckle, Lou Gehrig, Amelia Earhart, and more! You will also learn how the rabies vaccine was created and why The Titanic sunk.

7) Unlike the movie you can see this weekend, the gangsters in my book behave like real gangsters. They say “motherfucker” and they poop.

8) In a way, this saves you a lot of time. Not only do I cover a “Great American Novel” and pretty much summarize all of the important points you would ever need to know about it, I also cover everything you need to know about several of my favorite movies, most notably ones with a sexual submissive gimps in pawnshop basements.

9) Are you too pop-culture slow to not realize this is basically a combination of The Great Gatsby and Pulp Fiction? I really hope someone didn’t just say “Ohhhh!”

10) The 3D movie you can choose to see this weekend may make you want to go back to the 1920s. I’ll do you one better. I’ll make you glad you live in 2013. Time machines don’t exist yet. Any movie that’s best feature is that it makes you wish you lived in another era is not doing its job. This movie glorifies an era that was not very glamorous for many people. Don’t let the Moulin Rouge imagery fool you into wasting your time.

I did a post way back in September called Big Helpers where I needed places to visit in Los Angeles and 1920s things to try including. If anything I think this gives you a good estimation on how many months I went without touching this thing until I finally felt motivated to finish it.

This will probably be the last book I will bother you with for some time. It’s only free for today so pick up a copy. It’ll be free again other days, but I want to try spreading them out as I’m still trying to figure out this whole “becoming a popular author” thing. Is it too late to get Mark David Chapman to carry around a copy and shoot someone?

25th Hours

Hey white people. There is this director named Spike Lee. He’s that black guy who sits in the front row at Knicks games. He made a movie that came out in 2002 that can actually isn’t too anti-Caucasian. In it is a legendary speech by Edward Norton where he talks about everything he hates. I warn you this speech is not safe for work, unless you work for “Al-Ki-Ehh-Da.” Pay attention and you may get that.

So I thought why not write my own 25th Hour speech? It seems so liberating to get it all out. Just to have the chance to say fuck you to everyone who makes your blood boil sounds beautiful. And here it is, my 25th Hour speech, typed out because it’s tough for me to look at angry as Edward Norton. Imagine me saying this with a strange Edward Norton accent and you’ll appreciate it:

Fuck me? Fuck you. Fuck you and everyone in this god damn world.

Fuck neighbors who think they actually own the property they live in. They throw parties and think just because they pay rent they have the right to be as loud as they want. They spend their days screaming at each other and their nights blasting music and the television. You only can’t hear it now because you spent your entire life doing it. Did you hear me you deaf asshole? Shut the fuck up.

Fuck college kids and their complaints about life. While you were off experimenting for four years, the less fortunate people your age in this world were seeking tenure at their pennies a day jobs. Just because you have a degree does not mean you will get a job so quick you occupying Wall Street shit. You own an iPhone. Maybe money would not be such a concern for you if you didn’t spent half your income on beer and weed every Saturday night before heading off to see some shitty hipster band doing covers of lousy pop music.

Fuck the hipsters. You’re not fooling anyone. Your game of pity will only work so long. You spend more time trying to make yourself look accidentally ugly than you do realizing you’re not so special. You may wake up in the morning thinking you’re different and artistic, but you’re not. You’re a motherfucking following sheep. Glasses may make a person look smart or interesting but the second you open your mouth to speak we’ll all know you’re as shallow as that bowl of low-fat hummus you love to post pictures of on Facebook.

Fuck Facebook. Everyone on it uses it to brag when they actually accomplish shit and when they aren’t doing that it’s always an attempt at sympathy. Your day didn’t go the way you wanted it to? Welcome to something called life. Fuck your memes, your vacation pictures, and your haphazardly put together social agendas. You’re not going to change the world using the same form of social media a pedophile uses to jerk off to pictures of young girls.

Speaking of the pedophiles, fuck these phony religious folk who go around praising “His” name only to go home and molest their children, beat their wives, and do the complete opposite of what their favorite book tells them to. Furthermore, fuck the atheists who think their belief is the right way. You’re just as stubborn as everyone else and more than likely wasting your time as much as the Bible thumpers. Live by example and keep your opinions to yourself.

Fuck millionaire athletes and their giant homes and their model wives. They treat the fans like shit and they have everything. Does modesty mean anything to these guys? Sign an autograph, flash a smile, and hustle. That’s all we ask. And don’t get on Twitter bitching and complaining about anything other than not having enough charities to give your money to.

Fuck the debate on gay marriage, both sides. If all of the money spent on the rallies, posters, and all of the other fundraisers by both groups was used on something else we could have one less problem in the world. While members of the pro-gay marriage camp are arguing with the stick up the ass Conservatives, down the street a kid who will never even grow up to know what gender he wants to fuck is dying of cancer in a hospital bed. Come together, stop your fighting, and concentrate on something more important, life.

Fuck corporate loyalty. You can work at a job forever and put all of your effort in and when you ask for one favor they give you a big fat middle finger. You’re nameless and faceless to them. When you bent over backwards to help out they took it as an invite to fuck you over. At least when the economy is shit we can always hope the CEO solves the problems with a shotgun blast to the head. Put your hands together and pray with me.

Fuck every politician out there from Barack Obama to those dickhole dictators overseas. How could we ever be so stupid and think any of these people give a fuck about us? So fuck us all for rallying behind false hope. And fuck those dictators for being such egomaniacs the only way they can prove they have a big dick is by threatening to kill the defenseless. Just because your dad was an asshole doesn’t mean you have to be you big fat loser.

Fuck the Jersey Shore wannabes who spend more time sculpting their hair and abs than they do sculpting a personality. Fuck reality stars whose only enjoyable quality is they’re willing to get dicked on camera. Fuck Hollywood for recycling ideas and pulling wool over our eyes, making us think for once a movie will be worth the $15 it costs.

Fuck the banks for not being human. Fuck the housing market for not being able to get their shit together. Fuck girls who string along guys only to use them when they need favors without ever having more intent than using him as a ride. And fuck those guys for being such damn pussies they can’t stand up for themselves then whine about nice guys finishing last. Nice guys don’t finish last, bystanders do.

Fuck the American dream. We’re all told growing up that we are equal and we can be whatever we want to be. It’s as true as Santa Claus. Who you know, who you’re willing to fuck, and who you’re willing to fuck over are what matter, nothing else. To get that home with a picket fence and to have a family who actually gives a shit about you, be prepared to hurt others. It is the only way to get what you want.

No. Fuck us all. Fuck us all for putting up with this shit and never doing anything about it.

Well that felt good.

Fictional Pulps

…Because I enjoy pretending like I’m a big deal, here is a promotional video I made. Make sure you have the sound up to fully get the badassery you are about to experience.

 

Set during the roaring 1920s, The Gimp Gatsby explores the world of bootlegging, jazz music, and badass Kung Fu Samurai sword fights while shedding some light on the sometimes forgotten fetish of dressing up as a gimp.

“Ugly” Nick Crandall has been invited over to his estranged cousin Daisy and her husband gangster Tommy Scarpelli’s home for dinner. It’s at this dinner he meets a mob boss’s wife, Mia Baker. Tommy tells ugly Nick that Mia’s husband, the most notorious gangster in all of New York Marcellus “Carface” Wilson, needs someone to take her out for the evening while Carface is out of town. Ugly Nick quickly falls for the mob wife as she is like no other woman he has ever met before, she can actually read.
Soon after, Ugly Nick has his first encounter with his longtime neighbor, Reginald Gatsby. To many Gatsby is seen as nothing more than an eccentric millionaire who throws wild parties and sleeps with all of the women he can. Everything is not as it seems though, as Ugly Nick soon discovers Gatsby has plenty of secrets and a cuckoo clock filled with guns.

Full of violence, gangsters, armies of trained assassins, and other things commonly associated with the 1920s, this pulp fiction tells the tale of one idiot trying to navigate his way through a love triangle between his cousin, her husband, and his millionaire neighbor all the while trying to impress Mia who wants nothing to do with him.

Not for the faint of heart, easily offended, or lame; The Gimp Gatsby tells a false history of ridiculousness while weaving in satire and pop culture references to modern society.

 

 

Basically, if you don’t understand the basic foundation of this book then you need to watch more movies and read more classic American novels that I thought were incredibly boring and needed more sword fights and humor.

“Nobody’s gonna hurt anybody. We’re gonna be like three little Calvin Coolidges here. And what’s Calvin Coolidge like? Come on Bonnie, what’s Calvin Coolidge like?”

“Cool?”

“What?”

“He’s cool.”

“Correctamundo. And that what we’re gonna be. We’re gonna be cool like Coolidge.”

- closing scene from a diner

 

Television Observations

I have been watching a lot of TV lately. Not necessarily on a TV. Like the Harvey Danger song, I don’t own a TV. I did spend a few days at my dad’s though and he has TV. The only thing he ever watches is Army Wives on Lifetime. He’s seen every episode except for one because the cramps his PMS was giving him hurt too bad to pay attention.

The first thing I actually watched was at home. I broke down and signed up for Netflix because I watched everything on YouTube I could ever watch. I caught up on Weeds and now I have to wait a few more months for the final season to show up on Netflix to find out what happens to the world’s worst mother. Granted, I would much rather watch Mary Louise Parker have her hair pulled during sex with a bartender than I would see her show up at a PTA meeting. Watching Weeds always makes me wish I was Uncle Andy. He does absolutely nothing with his life and yet has so many adventures. The only woe in his life is that Mary Louise Parker will not have sex with him. Andy annoyed me when her first entered the Botwin household but in later seasons he has proven himself to be a more relatable loser. I would love to be a bike tour guide in Copenhagen. Andy got to do this for three years. Why is fiction better than reality?

(It’s a shame his animal practice didn’t work out. Only the three people in the world who watched Animal Practice will even notice the connection)

Once I got to my dad’s I stopped with Netflix and focused on whatever was on the boob tube. The first thing I watched was WWE Monday Night Raw which was the first time in almost a year I’ve actually watched on TV. It was as disappointing as I remembered. The next morning I watched an episode of Victorious, you know, for research for Kidz Showz then the Guy Pearce movie Ravenous. Ravenous is one of those movies from the 90s that I remember the advertisements for yet never saw. It was decent and like all horror movies went downhill in the final act. I was watching the edited version too and I think I missed the pedophile from Ferris Bueller’s Day off getting killed in full.

My week continued with watching television while I sat on the couch with my laptop trying to write and occasionally having his dog try biting my finger. By the end of the week the energetic puppy was passing out earlier than he ever does and unable to wake up in the mornings. I wore the little guy out, almost entirely from chasing him around a coffee table.

(This is from another time I spent with the dog, but he refused to wear his coat this time around and I wanted to include at least one picture of a dog in a coat here)

The majority of my television watching was going back and forth between Chiller and FearNet. These channels are mostly horror themed. One had some great syndicated shows on during the day while the other had good movies on at night. The only film in particular I remember watching was Southland Tales. I was one of 5 people to see it in theaters, those 5 people being in the theater I saw it in. It was the guy who did Donnie Darko’s follow-up which means it was strange. I kind of liked it even though I didn’t understand much. I like The Rock, Sean William Scott, and Sara Michelle Gellar so maybe I’m bias. It’s a complicated film. Cheri Oteri also looks kind of hot in it which they need some credit for.

(Somehow this was a very important part to understanding the film. It’s okay if you’re confused)

During the day while my dad and his girlfriend were at work I continued my anthology of television watching. Shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction, and other stuff made occupied my background noise while I stuffed my face with snacks all day long. The only time I felt like I was having a heart attack from the poor diet was when I was eating tuna. Seriously? The one food I’m used to eating makes me pound on my chest to make sure I don’t collapse on the ground. I’m not sure what kind of a cruel joke this is by God, but it is certainly a mean one.

The only actually film away from television I watched was pretty early on during my stay. With my dad I watched his favorite movie, Carny. This came out in 1980 and stars Gary Busey as a dunk tank clown and Jodie Foster as a runaway. Gary Busey is surprisingly not too creepy in it. My dad has a strange obsession with carnivals and freak shows. Later on in the week we watched episodes of the AMC show Freak Show, then the show about taxidermy, and then the comic book show that comes on after. We were mostly annoyed and he went to bed.

(Gary Busey as the clown, Jodie Foster as the whore, and some guy who looks like Bill Hicks that my dad seemed fond of)

I also watched a few James Bond movies on G4 during the week only to realize how much James Bond movies suck. They’re very boring and the characters are too silly. I say this with Odd Job being a great character in my mind too.

I returned home now without cable and only the radio to provide background noise for me at all times. I went back to Netflix to watch Wilfred and realize I had just lived the show. I spent a week sitting around with a dog not really accomplishing much. The only thing missing was my dad’s dog does not smoke pot or have an Australian accent. Buddy the Dog chooses to do heroin and he has an Indian accent. This is much different than Wilfred.

Three Words

Terrorists

In my attempt to share as much with the world as I possibly can because I’ve found more good happens the more I share, I am going to let you all in on a part of my life that I’ve been somewhat quiet about. I try to make it no secret what I want in life. I want a mansion, chicks banging at my door to get in just to look at me, and happiness forever. I’m actually afraid of mansions (horror films), chicks never bang at my door to look at me (my face), and in general I’m pretty miserable (again, my face). All that aside there is still something I’ve convinced myself I can do. I want to get paid to write movies, TV shows, and anything else I can.

Sometimes when I tell people what it is I want to do I feel like a little boy. It is a little boy’s dream. It was my little boy’s dream. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be Mel Brooks. I met my best friend of 20 years because we both loved Spaceballs in kindergarten. In a way my life was kind of scripted out how it would go. Although I didn’t get real into writing until about 3 years ago, it was always in the back of my head that it was something I wanted to do. I saved up my money for my entire life thus far so I could have the opportunity to have more time to pursue this dream. I’m unemployed now but because I was responsible (cheap) for the last 25 years I can relax a bit and go after what I want without having to tie myself down immediately to a crappy job.

(Who said a uniform makes a job a good one?)

Okay this introduction was boring. What I really wanted to tell you blog friends was the first step I took toward my little boy fantasy. There’s this website called The Blacklist. Wait until I’m finished to check it out. Basically it takes the best scripts as judged by Hollywood professionals and they use an algorithm to determine the favorites each year. At the end of the year a list is produced. Many of these films go on to become major motion pictures. Argo and Django Unchained are two recent films that made this list not too long ago. What I’m saying is getting on this list means you’re a lot closer to getting that mansion with the whores.

In the fall this website opened up to the public. Everything I read about this opportunity seemed real legitimate. All you had to do was pay $25 a month to host the script on the site and any of the professionals could download it at any time. In November I finished up something I had started on Memorial Day and paid the $25 submission fee. Not too many people looked at it so I paid an extra $50 to get a guaranteed review. While sitting at my dad’s on New Years Eve because I have no friends, I got an email saying I received my first ever professional review from a real-time professional pro reading professional pro person. They get paid to do this is what I’m saying.

(How I spent my New Years Eve)

Now if you don’t mind, I would like to share with you the review I was given. I’ll put any of my comments in italics nearby:

PREMISE
7/10

PLOT
5/10

CHARACTERS
7/10

DIALOGUE
6/10

OVERALL
7/10

(Not bad so far. The average rating on the site when I got this rating had an overall 6.82, it has since gone down to 6.79 which means I am above average. I was going to be happy just knowing I got above a 4 considering nobody else had ever read past page 10 of the script)

Era: Present day

Locations: the Middle Eastern city of Nakajabulahantishistamene (I love the fact that they had to type this all out)

Budget: Medium

Genre: Comedy, Spoof/Parody

Pages: 107

Logline:When an all-American rocker loses his popularity, a terrorist recruiting center in the Middle East hires him to write popular music that will appeal to young, aspiring terrorists. (It’s really supposed to be a caricature of the Proud to be an American singer as an arrogant asshole, but I guess their logline sounds more professional)

Strengths:This is a bold and outrageously unique premise in the hands of a writer who ultimately has the right sense of humor to handle it – a strong and consistent comic voice throughout this script with truly funny, tongue-in-cheek prose. Cliff is a distinct and laughable character, and the use of certain comic motifs (like the Nickelback jokes) really add to the script’s humor. (I like to think nothing else in the history of the world has had comic motifs surrounding Nickelback jokes)

Weaknesses:If this script has one major weakness, it’s that its plot doesn’t develop as much as it could. While the plot is generally well-paced, with things happening to the characters, there isn’t really an overriding tension, or developed enough central dramatic conflict, to keep the audience engaged in the story. While the consistent humor may succeed in keeping the audience engaged anyway, a bold premise such as this has more potential to make a political/cultural statement with its plot, engaging an audience on an intellectual level, than this script currently does. If Cliff experienced more of a character arc (even if it was to become more despicable), it may make the plot more engaging. On a lesser note, some of the dialogue – especially in the third act – feels excessive, affecting the overall pacing of the script and losing the audience’s attention. For example, Cliff’s several lengthy monologues may pack more of a punch if shortened or broken up by some action.

Prospects: While the writer’s talent and comic intent is clear, this script nevertheless uses some bold stereotypes that may limit its potential audience and make it a risky venture for major studios and certain production companies. That said, with very specific packaging(actors/creatives who have previously pulled off this type of irreverent comedy), and perhaps some attention to the above-mentioned weaknesses, this script may have the potential to market well, especially with 18-24 year old males.

Okay so I didn’t put too many italics in there because it seemed tedious to do. I have since uploaded two new versions which I believe help fix what was wrong with it. The funny thing about it is they say the Third Act is a little weak. The Third Act is where I did half-ass it. I had no idea what to do. I stopped writing it for 2 months I was so lost. All this makes me think is how much intuition I have into knowing what works and what does not work. Or maybe I’m just right about one thing. Either way, this made me really happy to find out the same things they found wrong with it were the same things I thought they might.

If you want to take away anything from this post it’s that I’m awesome and you should go out and take a risk for something you want because you might be pleasantly surprised and have it make you really happy like this did. Look for Friends With Terrorists to open in theaters sometime in 2078 when it is incredibly easy to get a movie made.

Underrated Less Than Popular Movies

I realized something recently. I hate Hollywood films. I feel real pretentious saying this. I feel like a Radiohead fan, you know, someone who only likes something because it’s cool to like it. Am I really supposed to believe Radiohead is good? The guy’s playing the guitar and crying half the time. Oh you think you’re ugly? How about you buy a new face. Oh look at me I’m Radiohead and I give away free things on my website because I’m a common man. Yeah, good idea. Wait until you’ve made your millions to do that. I fucking hate Radiohead.

Rather than discuss why I seem to enjoy independent films more than Hollywood ones like a douchebag Radiohead fan I want to let you know a few bigger budget films that are notoriously known for being bad yet I enjoy. For the record my favorite movies in order are The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly first followed by Taxi Driver second followed by a two-way tie between The Naked Gun and Dumber and Dumber. I probably should have stopped after the first two classics to earn your respect.

Vertical Limit: I love any movie that you can describe as Die Hard on a fill in the blank. This film is basically Die Hard on a mountain. I know Cliffhanger starring Sylvester Stallone really is Die Hard on a mountain but I want to talk about Vertical Limit instead because Sylvester’s lips scare me. The film is basically about a rescue crew going up Mount Everest’s redheaded twin brother K2 to save some people who fell down a hole in a mountain. There are a lot of intense and awesome death scenes involving hanging off cliffs and getting his by avalanches. I haven’t seen this movie in years and I was actually thinking about buying it recently. I didn’t though because I didn’t have the 50 cents Best Buy wanted for it.

(Such a 90s cover. Also, Robin Tunney and Bill Paxton are in this? I never knew I was such a Bill Paxton fan)

Frailty: This is a Bill Paxton movie. I remember the difference between Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton with this formula; Bill Paxton is in Big Love and Frailty which both have major religious themes. PAX is the name of the religious channel known for Supermarket Sweep and Wonder Years reruns. PAX TV as in Bill Paxton. Bill Pullman is best known for his roles in humorous films like Spaceballs and Mr. Wrong. Pulling someone’s leg is a phrase used for joking around. The root of “pulling” is pull and that makes me think of Bill Pullman, a funny guy. As far as this actual movie goes it’s really good and is about a religious serial killer who brainwashes his sons to help him. Seriously, this is a really good movie and you should see it.

(Why do serial killers always have to cut off heads? It’s so messy. Also the only thing stopping me from becoming one)

The Last Action Hero: Sharon Stone, Robert Patrick, Tina Turner, Chevy Chase, Little Richard, Jim Belushi, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Ian McKellan all thought so highly of this film they made cameos, several playing themselves or revisiting old characters. Some say this film destroyed Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career. The film is about a lonely teenage boy who gets a golden ticket from an old movie projectionist. The projectionist got the ticket from Harry Houdini backstage after a show and if you do the math that would mean the projectionist would have to be at least 80 years old in order to have had this happened based on when Houdini died. The kid gets sucked into the action film and has to help Arnie save the day even when the fictional characters enter the real world. I actually own this film and watched it as recently as a month ago because it’s so fantastic. Okay, maybe it’s not fantastic but it’s definitely not as terrible as everyone makes it out to be.

(Some say this ruined Arnie’s career. Others say I called him Arnie here because I didn’t feel like typing out his last name)

Wishmaster: For a time this was my favorite film. I’ve talked about it before and I’m going to talk about it again. This was a Wes Craven project about an evil genie who grants wishes in an insulting way. When he grants a wish for you then he gets your soul. Before my family had the Internet we had a book with every movie listed and a review of the film. Wishmaster had no stars. Instead it had a big fat turkey next to it. I immediately threw the book into a fire after seeing this. I don’t generally like horror films but this is one I could always get behind. I like when people wish for a million dollars and then their mothers die in plane crashes and they get the insurance money.

(Is this poster in Spanish? Maybe people in Mexico liked this movie. Even when a Mexican wish backfires it’s better than having a normal wishless Mexican life)

Little Big League: Films like The Sandlot and Rookie of the Year were popular in the 1990s for little boys and lesbians who were into baseball. I went in a different direction. I chose to be a fan of a film called Little Big League. The premise was something more akin to my interest. A little leaguer’s grandpa is the owner of the Minnesota Twins then croaks because that’s what old people do. This 12 year old boy becomes the Twins’ new owner and he has to prove he can do it. I’ve known probably since I was around 12 that I would never be a big leaguer so the next best thing would be to own a team. Unfortunately I can barely pay to play fantasy baseball so I’ll just have to watch this movie over and over again.

(Yeah because a child could handle the sports media world and give a press conference. Bullshit. Go fuck yourself reality)

Epic Movie: I know these guys get a bad reputation for putting together garbage films, but I think we all need to…okay I can’t go any further. Everything these guys do suck.

(Nobody even talks about 300 anymore which makes this film an even bigger disaster. Don’t worry about how far your breasts may sag, they will never flop as much as the writers of these films)

Dirty Work: Of all the movies I listed here this is the only one I ever watched in school. Once you find out the premise you’ll understand how it was relevant to my Ancient/Mediaeval History class. Norm McDonald and Artie Lange have always been great at getting revenge on people through pranks and such. When they’re in need of money they open up a revenge for hire business where they’ll do your dirty work for you. See how much this has to do with the Ming Dynasty. Although the film slows down in the third act as too many comedies do it still has a lot of great lines and gags. For you Chris Farley fans, and I know you’re out there and many because fat people always like Chris Farley and fat people also like looking at things on the Internet, this was the last film he ever did. Too bad it was a box office disappointment. Who would have thought Norm McDonald wasn’t a massive draw?

What are some movies you adore that nobody seems to understand your love for?