Posts Tagged ‘movies’

I’m not a big fan of comedies from the 1980s. Some people love them. Some people also die and it’s like “Oh okay well that was a little shocking. I have no opinion on this.”

As yesterday was Thanksgiving, I felt the need to watch Planes, Trains, and Automobiles since it’s the only Thanksgiving movie in existence. I laughed maybe two or three times. That said, it was an enjoyable movie and although I didn’t laugh I found it very entertaining.

ptaa

(Okay guys, don’t laugh too hard. One of you is dead and the other has looked near death since the 1970s. Did Steve Martin ever not have grey Cal Ripken Jr. hair?)

I have ventured out and watched other comedies from the 1980s before. In general, they’ve been awful. The one I immediately think of is Trading Places. What was with that one part when they’re in the tennis club and the jocks (who are actually really dorky looking) begin to serenade their girlfriends in a 40-minute scene? Yes, 40 minutes of this movie is one scene of gross men in short shorts singing.

Okay so that’s an exaggeration. Like when someone tells you they will love you forever. The point is, Trading Places was ridiculously unfunny as are most comedies from the 1980s.

This may result in the removal of my testicles however I am willing to say it. John Hughes made some of the funniest movies in the decade. I don’t particularly like any of his Molly Ringworm films, but the ones like PTaA (that’s what huge fans of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles call it because most big fans of the movie are going to die soon and need to save time) are pretty good. Ferris Bueller Skips School, Strange Science, and although it was in the 1990s Home without the Parents starring Macauley Cokehead were all very entertaining. I’m not sure how laugh out loud funny any would be to me now. They still remain classics and ones I can appreciate.

In addition to the JH films (that’s what huge fans of John Hughes call him because most big fans of his movies are going to die soon and need to save time) I like the Zucker Brothers so don’t go thinking teen angst is my favorite genre of funny movie. I would much rather watch an inept cop like Frank Drebin.

I have similar opinions about comedies from the 1970s. I never understood why Blazing Saddles was funny. Caddyshack never made me laugh. Apocalypse Now has its humorous moments, but it’s too hard to take Marlon Brando seriously even in a parody film such as this.

The biggest difference I notice from comedies of the 1980s and 1990s/2000s is the 1980s seemed more influenced by the English. The situation was what was funny. Today especially, everyone needs to be snarky and make each other laugh in the film for it to be considered funny. I prefer somewhere in the middle, particularly when they don’t seem to be trying to make anyone laugh. It’s kind of like how the sexiest people don’t even need to try to be sexy: we just are.

The last screenplay I wrote was about zombies. I wrote it in three days over the course of a very productive yet what I’m sure was a lonely weekend with few if any encounters with the outside world. The screenplay never fully finished because what good is one more masterpiece to get discredited by the experts?

I don’t even have a title for the movie which hinders the progress. Oh and a lack of time, motivation, and skill as well.

I’m usually good at movie titles too. For instance, here are a bunch of hilarious parody titles based on the movie 28 Days Later that I came up with on my commute home from work. Not all are funny. In fact, several are terribly sad.

28 Blaze Later – a zombie stoner comedy

28 Gays Later – a movie about how AIDS was spread

28 Heys Later – a movie about greeting many people

28 Js Later – a movie about having to erase all of the Js on the screen after the key gets stuck

28 Ks Later – a movie about overpopulation in the KKK

28 Lays Later – a movie about having an upset tummy after eating too many potato chips

28 Neys Later – a movie about a whiny horse

28 Plays Later – a movie about a theater going zombie

28 Rays Later – a movie about skin cancer

28 Stays Later – a movie about frequently visiting the same hotel branch and getting rewards for it

28 Strays Later – 101 Dalmatians with feral cats

28 Trays Later – a movie about a zombie cafeteria lady

28 Weighs Later – a movie about zombie weight loss surgery

joseph-pilato-as-capt-rhodes-in-day-of-the

Find out what all of the critics are raving about!

From the creators of the Lifetime Original Series “Women Always Are Smarter Than Men” comes a new Lifetime Original Movie with the same plot as all of the rest. Starring Marcia Gay Harden and the cast of Strong Medicine comes the movie every housewife is talking about, “The Empowered Vagina.”

Marcia Gay Harden plays a middle-aged woman with a pig nose who pauses a lot after delivering her lines. She probably has a son who resents too. Together with her female friends they learn a valuable lesson about how a woman can anything a man can do.

Also starring John Corbett as the blue-collar and intelligent guy who knows how to fix your sink and your problems. Watch as he charms all of the women in town, but doesn’t take advantage of any of them. What a guy!

Critics are raving about this movie because they just don’t know when to shut up. Former Disney actress turned untalented famous person Hilary Duff also stars as a girl in her 20s breathing and eating and having boy problems. It’s not her fault though. It’s the men who are wrong!

Set in a small coastal town without very many black people living in it except for maybe one token friend, The Empowered Vagina goes places every other movie dares to go. The film discusses sex on a PG level and there’s even a few scenes where women cry.

Narrated by Robert Stack using old archive footage from episode of Unsolved Mysteries, The Empowered Vagina has something for every feminist with a bias opinion about the battle of the sexes.

The movie will premiere this Saturday night at 8pm so lonely women everywhere feel like they actually have a friend.

lifetime

(Lifetime…because thankfully these films are not immortal)

I need to come up with some plans for New Year’s Eve. Traditionally this holiday was spent watching movies, eating snacks, and staying up as late as possible. This sounds cool until I look back and realize most New Year’s Eves I have had were very disappointing. Never once did Jay-Z show up and invite me to some rooftop party. When will my life be a movie?

Jay-Z_@_Shawn_'Jay-Z'_Carter_Foundation_Carnival_(crop_2)(Damn it I wish I was this ugly and people felt bad for me and gave me money like what happened to Jay-Z)

Last year I spent New Year’s Eve at my dad’s place. My new apartment had its power shut off because I didn’t bother moving in there until really late in the month despite having ownership since the beginning of December. So at one point I was in possession of two apartments, which sounds pretty cool–the same way I would brag about my dad having two jobs and two girlfriends (not including my mom) when I was younger. Less is not more. Less is just better and not as damaging to a child’s psyche.

In years previous to that alcohol was involved or I abstained from alcohol because I didn’t feel like starting the New Year chewing on my blankets wishing I was dead from a hangover. The worst were the years my sister and I would have parties and none of my friends I told everyone I had would show up. I would usually retreat to my bedroom and watch King of the Hill. At least Bill Dauterive was more pathetic.

bill d(This could very well be my future)

I spent one New Year’s at a friend’s house and I’m not even sure why I was friends with him. I think it was because I needed something to do on New Year’s Eve so I planned it out five years in advance and earned his trust. We didn’t do much and I remember hiding from old high school classmates buying ice cream in the only open place in the town, a 24-hour drug store. I don’t think anything should be open on New Year’s Eve. That’s not fair. People should be allowed to celebrate or have the chance to kill themselves in private.

When I was really young I would engage in the earlier mentioned snacking and movie watching. This was pretty much what I did every weekend anyway. For some reason the only movie I remember watching on New Year’s Eve was Ghosts of Mars. I also remember eating mozzarella sticks while watching it because nothing makes a bad John Carpenter movie better than fried cheese. Hell, nothing is better than fried cheese.

 mozarella sticks(I’d give it all up just to be near you)

This year I have no current plans on what to do. I certainly don’t want to go to Times Square because that’s just asking to stand in the cold alone with high hopes only to be upset with the results. I also can’t stay at home because I don’t have a television. How will I know when the ball has dropped??? Do I need to buy a watch? Take everyone’s word for it?

What will most likely happen is I’ll have a movie marathon at home and eat popcorn because I have been craving popcorn ever since I saw it at the grocery store. Does ever happen to you? Do you ever see food at the grocery store and then remember it exists?

Best of luck to you all in 2014. Except for you. You can die.

Here’s a review I wrote months ago for the movie Drive starring that hunky guy with the droopy eyes.

Ryan Gosling seems to have a free pass in life. He has an oddly shaped head yet still somehow manages to be a sex symbol. In half his movies he also has ugly facial hair. Still, women go wild for him. When Drive came out it was praised by everyone as an action packed thriller. I was excited to sit down and watch it. I found myself wanting to get up to leave my own apartment.

This particular Ryan Gosling film depicts him as a flat character with no personality whatsoever. I have no problem with quiet characters when there are others around him that I care about. Not one character in this film is memorable and the best performance probably comes from Ron Perlman who always plays Ron Perlman in whatever he’s in. Sometimes Ron Perlman wears a leather jacket or is a monster, but he’s always Ron Perlman.

ron perlman(Not sure which one is supposed to be Beast…)

The plot of the film is interesting enough. A Hollywood stunt driver moonlights as a getaway driver. You would think a stuntman might have a lot of personality, stories to tell, and be one of those adrenaline junkies who never shuts up about much he enjoys a rush. Gosling’s character hardly speaks or even moves his face. Daniel Day Lewis in My Left Foot had a thousand times more personality than Gosling’s character.

Quickly I began to lose interest in this movie. Credited as a thriller, I was expecting to be thrilled. It took almost forty minutes for anything of substance to happen. Gosling falls in love with some girl who has a shitty boyfriend which I guess is relatable because girls tend to date shitty guys. Girls no longer seem to want a guy with a job, a sense of humor, or the ability to provide for them. A woman these days, for the most part, fall for whatever guy has been unemployed the longest and wears his hat the most to the side. When will females stop sleeping with men who aren’t sweetie pies? If you want to be treated like a princess, don’t date a guy who wants to be one too.

ryan-gosling-in-drive-007(This was the only face he made throughout the entire movie)

The dynamic between the characters throughout this film is boring and confusing. Maybe it’s confusing because I was so bored and found myself counting ceiling tiles instead. Action does pick up and it looks like a lot is about to happen. There is a little bit of gunfire and some fast cars moving. This does not make a good film though. Giving me characters I want to see succeed or fail is what makes me enjoy a movie.

The bad guys in this movie don’t get nearly enough screen time for us to hate them. Albert Brooks plays a great prick, but is never given the chance to prove how dastardly he can be. Instead we are told how bad he is instead of shown. Considering this isn’t a film put together by some college students, they could have easily put in an additional scene or two where we really want the bad guys to lose. I’ve met high school students who were nastier than the villains in this film. I could not careless whether they won or lost.

drive-wallpaper_105469-1600x1200(How does he keep the same expression? He should be angry!)

Drive may be one of the most overrated films I have seen in a while. One person told me it was this generation’s Taxi Driver which made me think he didn’t like Taxi Driver very much. Taxi Driver had a complex character who you find yourself rooting for despite knowing he’s the bad guy, although I see him as more of a hero since he never actually hurts anyone. The person who told me this was probably not thinking very much deeper than basing it on the title alone. He probably thought Driving Miss Daisy was comparable to Taxi Driver.

If you are a person who will watch a movie for the sake of seeing Ryan Gosling then I would recommend this film to you. But please, realize he will never go to prom with you. Stop daydreaming. Ryan Gosling wants nothing to do with a girl who uses a photo of him as her Facebook cover photo. That’s just too creepy.

ryan-gosling-in-drive(“Christ dude, smile. I’m about to get shot and you’re going to bang my wife.” – the guy about to get shot and have his wife banged by Ryan Gosling)

I decided I’m going to do two blog posts about Batman in a row. This one is dedicated to the women in Bruce Wayne and Batman’s life. The biggest problem with Bruce Wayne is that he never could balance banging one chick as the millionaire playboy and a different one as Batman. For some reason he had to eventually bang the chick as both, because maybe he likes women to feel like whores. I don’t know. My parents weren’t shot dead in front of me so I will not judge.

I have been thinking about it and Batman/Bruce Wayne should have gotten hotter chicks than he did.

Kim Bassinger

VickiValeKimBasinger

In Batman, the original film done by Tim “Hey that’s a cool idea, let me ruin it” Burton, the love interest to Bruce Wayne is played by Kim Bassinger. While Bassinger was attractive back then, she was still in Alec Baldwin’s league and was he ever sexy? Alec is the famous Baldwin Brother. Daniel is the sexy one.

Michelle Pfeiffer

Batman Returns-michelle-pfeiffer-michael-keaton

I’m not going to even bother looking to see if I spelled her last name correctly because silent P’s piss me off. Her last name should be Fifer. Don’t give me this bullshit about a P then two f’s with an e thrown in there for good measure. Michelle Pppppppppppppppfeiffer (if you can add one silent P you can add many silent P’s) played Catwoman in this movie and she was still hot, but quickly fading. Taking into consideration that Batman was played by Michael Keaton aka the snowman possessed by a dead father in Jack Frost, he was dating way out of his league.

Nicole Kidman

kidman-and-batman

I never was attracted to Nicole Kidman. She’s so tall and flat in a wobbly sort of way, no disrespect to her of course because all women are beautiful in some way. Nicole Kidman just happens to be beautiful in the way she has lots of money. Not only that, Kidman slept with Tom Cruise. Worst of all, she’s not the only Bruce Wayne girlfriend to do it.

Katie Holmes

katie-holmes-batman-begins-400a-010407

Prisoner of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes is another actress that has no sex appeal yet we pretend she does. Best known for her Dawson’s Creek days, Holmes could only be so lucky to nail a guy like Bruce Wayne down. Christian Bale is also probably the best looking Batman, at least in my eyes. There’s something about him I find so endearing in a totally “hey we’re just two men exploring each other’s bodies” kind of way.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

rachel-dawes-maggie-gyllenhaal

Not only did Bruce Wayne want to tap this, so did Harvey Dent. They fought over it and eventually she got killed and Harvey Dent had half his face blown off. Really, Two-Face should have been called Half-Face. I guess he has a more positive perspective on life than me though, right? That’s how those things are determined. Maggie Gyllenhaal seems too attainable to me. Someone like Bruce Wayne should only get really hot chicks with giant breasts and bad taste in television shows–because hot chicks always have such bad taste in things.

The Dark Knight Rises did a good job at actually having women Bruce Wayne should more realistically sleep with. Anne Hathaway was hot as Catwoman, the foreign girl with the dumb plan that took too long was smoking, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is cute in a boyish way. I still can’t believe they had Batman makeout with a guy!

*Please note I would bang every woman mentioned here, but that’s only because I make $12 an hour with no benefits other than my boss gives me muffins sometimes.

**Also wanted to point out that Iron Man dates Gwyneth Paltrow, another woman who is not as attractive as we pretend she is. Maybe I just have something against incredibly flat-chested women?

I know I said I was not going to be blogging as much and this is my third this week, but it’s mostly because I have actually been home more and have less to say. The less you have to say, the more blog posts you do. The more you have to say, the more likely you are to get shot for having an opinion. Speaking of getting shot, here’s a review I wrote months ago that was supposed to be on some website that never existed and it’s about a movie where a lot of people shoot each other.

My Review of Battle Royale:

If you are anything like me, I don’t mean the manic depression, then you were a little upset with the 2012 hit film The Hunger Games. The film was pretty, had a good story, and it was long which means I got my money’s worth. The problem with The Hunger Games other than no one actually starved to death was that in a film about kids killing each other, things never got very gruesome. For those like me who were upset that many of the death scenes had cutaways, you are in luck because there is a much more violent film where The Hunger Games basically lifted its idea from and it’s called Battle Royale.

Battle_royale_pochette(With Beat Takeshi people! The only Japanese actor named after a fictional band from Doug)

I have been a Battle Royale fan for years now. I even have an old faded shirt I got off eBay years ago. I wear it to bed now more than anything because when I do put it on I have self-esteem issues about my body. I think it makes me look fat. What are not fat are the kids in this movie. Except for one of them, but he doesn’t last very long which really bugged me because as racist as it may sound, I had some trouble telling the characters apart.

Battle Royale essentially is about a group of Japanese high school students who while on a field trip are gassed to the point where they pass out. When they wake up, they are in a classroom. I know I’m sounding nitpicky with one of my favorite films, but I want to point out it would have probably been cheaper if they just drove the bus to wherever they were going and had a few guys with guns push the kids into the classroom. Knock-out nerve gas has to be really expensive. I have never bought any, but it’s not exactly something we ever see for sale in a Walmart circular. I think it’s safe to say nerve gas is expensive and I would have kidnapped these children at a much cheaper cost.

battleroyale(At a comic book convention I actually met the one with the small frame, straight dark hair, and tan-colored clothing pictured here)

A video is played that lets the children know they are on a remote island where they will have to fight each other to the death until only one is left. Sound familiar? It’s not. Battle Royale came out first and the book was published in 1999. The Hunger Games should sound familiar to you.

Questions are raised at this point as to why this is happening. As the case is with subtitled films, a lot may go overlooked because reading during a movie can be tiresome. These students are part of something called the BR Act which was passed after 800,000 students walked out of school without permission from their parents. Think of this as Ferris Bueller to the extreme with a lot more Japanese kids and machine guns.

Battle Royale (1)(I know neither is holding a machine gun, but remember that Asian people are larger than most so it just looks small)

In addition to the students in the class there are two other men in the room with them. These two men are former winners of the game. I never like games that when you win all you get is a chance to play again. Miniature golf does that. I also had a friend win a pie eating contest once and he won a pie. None of these prizes are fair, especially the one about having to kill more people after having killed all of your classmates.

Each student is given a bag at random. The bags contain helpful items like maps, swords, and guns or unhelpful things like a paper fan, a saucepan lid, or a copy of Battle Royale 2. I never saw Battle Royale 2. I heard it’s exactly like the first one so to me it sounds pretty useless.

The film follows these different students as they fight for survival. Some form alliances, others fend for themselves. Others choose to not fight which is ridiculous because if they don’t get down to one person before time expires, the collars on their necks will go off and decapitate them. Maybe that’s why they needed the knock-out gas after all. Kids hate when you put death collars on their necks. The only way you can do it is if they are knocked out. There goes my theory that I’m good at kidnapping children.

 battleroyale5(So if you put a grenade in someone’s mouth their head falls off?)

There are two main characters in the film, a male and a female. Their names are whatever the Japanese equivalent of Katniss and Peeta are. Their characters are not as deep as some of the side characters, some of whom are completely badass evil, but they work for what they are.

I originally fell in love with Battle Royale because of its ultraviolent images. This may indeed be the most violent film I have ever seen. It’s bloody, gory, and has good guys as well as bad ones. Where Battle Royale falls short I believe is that it is adapted from a very complex book. There are times I felt like important parts were skipped over too quickly and plot points were not fully explained. I had to do some reading on this film after viewing it which is actually a good thing because it means I liked the film enough where I wanted to learn more.

a-reading-books-hot-sexy-12(Reading? Hasn’t she ever heard of TV? Or a chair?)

Although at times you may find yourself watching this film not quite sure why this is all happening, it can be enjoyed from a less complex perspective. Did you enjoy the Christopher Nolan Batman films? Those are incredibly complicated. The Dark Knight Rises spoiler alert: Remember how Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend, whatever her name is foreign girl, reveals why she turned on him? It made no sense at all. She spent all those years getting into a business that she knew would get her close to Bruce Wayne. She went to school all for the sake of getting to kill him. It’s like in The Naked Gun when bad guy points out he spent years doing a job he hated just so he could one day kill the queen. And what if the Bruce Wayne girlfriend lady was ugly? Bruce Wayne doesn’t date ugly chicks. So many little things had to be perfect for her to pull that off. It made no sense and still the film was enjoyable.

Battle Royale is not much different in that way. Watch it for what it is, something different and original with graphic scenes of high school kids killing each other.