Posts Tagged ‘movies’

Find out what all of the critics are raving about!

From the creators of the Lifetime Original Series “Women Always Are Smarter Than Men” comes a new Lifetime Original Movie with the same plot as all of the rest. Starring Marcia Gay Harden and the cast of Strong Medicine comes the movie every housewife is talking about, “The Empowered Vagina.”

Marcia Gay Harden plays a middle-aged woman with a pig nose who pauses a lot after delivering her lines. She probably has a son who resents too. Together with her female friends they learn a valuable lesson about how a woman can anything a man can do.

Also starring John Corbett as the blue-collar and intelligent guy who knows how to fix your sink and your problems. Watch as he charms all of the women in town, but doesn’t take advantage of any of them. What a guy!

Critics are raving about this movie because they just don’t know when to shut up. Former Disney actress turned untalented famous person Hilary Duff also stars as a girl in her 20s breathing and eating and having boy problems. It’s not her fault though. It’s the men who are wrong!

Set in a small coastal town without very many black people living in it except for maybe one token friend, The Empowered Vagina goes places every other movie dares to go. The film discusses sex on a PG level and there’s even a few scenes where women cry.

Narrated by Robert Stack using old archive footage from episode of Unsolved Mysteries, The Empowered Vagina has something for every feminist with a bias opinion about the battle of the sexes.

The movie will premiere this Saturday night at 8pm so lonely women everywhere feel like they actually have a friend.

lifetime

(Lifetime…because thankfully these films are not immortal)

I need to come up with some plans for New Year’s Eve. Traditionally this holiday was spent watching movies, eating snacks, and staying up as late as possible. This sounds cool until I look back and realize most New Year’s Eves I have had were very disappointing. Never once did Jay-Z show up and invite me to some rooftop party. When will my life be a movie?

Jay-Z_@_Shawn_'Jay-Z'_Carter_Foundation_Carnival_(crop_2)(Damn it I wish I was this ugly and people felt bad for me and gave me money like what happened to Jay-Z)

Last year I spent New Year’s Eve at my dad’s place. My new apartment had its power shut off because I didn’t bother moving in there until really late in the month despite having ownership since the beginning of December. So at one point I was in possession of two apartments, which sounds pretty cool–the same way I would brag about my dad having two jobs and two girlfriends (not including my mom) when I was younger. Less is not more. Less is just better and not as damaging to a child’s psyche.

In years previous to that alcohol was involved or I abstained from alcohol because I didn’t feel like starting the New Year chewing on my blankets wishing I was dead from a hangover. The worst were the years my sister and I would have parties and none of my friends I told everyone I had would show up. I would usually retreat to my bedroom and watch King of the Hill. At least Bill Dauterive was more pathetic.

bill d(This could very well be my future)

I spent one New Year’s at a friend’s house and I’m not even sure why I was friends with him. I think it was because I needed something to do on New Year’s Eve so I planned it out five years in advance and earned his trust. We didn’t do much and I remember hiding from old high school classmates buying ice cream in the only open place in the town, a 24-hour drug store. I don’t think anything should be open on New Year’s Eve. That’s not fair. People should be allowed to celebrate or have the chance to kill themselves in private.

When I was really young I would engage in the earlier mentioned snacking and movie watching. This was pretty much what I did every weekend anyway. For some reason the only movie I remember watching on New Year’s Eve was Ghosts of Mars. I also remember eating mozzarella sticks while watching it because nothing makes a bad John Carpenter movie better than fried cheese. Hell, nothing is better than fried cheese.

 mozarella sticks(I’d give it all up just to be near you)

This year I have no current plans on what to do. I certainly don’t want to go to Times Square because that’s just asking to stand in the cold alone with high hopes only to be upset with the results. I also can’t stay at home because I don’t have a television. How will I know when the ball has dropped??? Do I need to buy a watch? Take everyone’s word for it?

What will most likely happen is I’ll have a movie marathon at home and eat popcorn because I have been craving popcorn ever since I saw it at the grocery store. Does ever happen to you? Do you ever see food at the grocery store and then remember it exists?

Best of luck to you all in 2014. Except for you. You can die.

Here’s a review I wrote months ago for the movie Drive starring that hunky guy with the droopy eyes.

Ryan Gosling seems to have a free pass in life. He has an oddly shaped head yet still somehow manages to be a sex symbol. In half his movies he also has ugly facial hair. Still, women go wild for him. When Drive came out it was praised by everyone as an action packed thriller. I was excited to sit down and watch it. I found myself wanting to get up to leave my own apartment.

This particular Ryan Gosling film depicts him as a flat character with no personality whatsoever. I have no problem with quiet characters when there are others around him that I care about. Not one character in this film is memorable and the best performance probably comes from Ron Perlman who always plays Ron Perlman in whatever he’s in. Sometimes Ron Perlman wears a leather jacket or is a monster, but he’s always Ron Perlman.

ron perlman(Not sure which one is supposed to be Beast…)

The plot of the film is interesting enough. A Hollywood stunt driver moonlights as a getaway driver. You would think a stuntman might have a lot of personality, stories to tell, and be one of those adrenaline junkies who never shuts up about much he enjoys a rush. Gosling’s character hardly speaks or even moves his face. Daniel Day Lewis in My Left Foot had a thousand times more personality than Gosling’s character.

Quickly I began to lose interest in this movie. Credited as a thriller, I was expecting to be thrilled. It took almost forty minutes for anything of substance to happen. Gosling falls in love with some girl who has a shitty boyfriend which I guess is relatable because girls tend to date shitty guys. Girls no longer seem to want a guy with a job, a sense of humor, or the ability to provide for them. A woman these days, for the most part, fall for whatever guy has been unemployed the longest and wears his hat the most to the side. When will females stop sleeping with men who aren’t sweetie pies? If you want to be treated like a princess, don’t date a guy who wants to be one too.

ryan-gosling-in-drive-007(This was the only face he made throughout the entire movie)

The dynamic between the characters throughout this film is boring and confusing. Maybe it’s confusing because I was so bored and found myself counting ceiling tiles instead. Action does pick up and it looks like a lot is about to happen. There is a little bit of gunfire and some fast cars moving. This does not make a good film though. Giving me characters I want to see succeed or fail is what makes me enjoy a movie.

The bad guys in this movie don’t get nearly enough screen time for us to hate them. Albert Brooks plays a great prick, but is never given the chance to prove how dastardly he can be. Instead we are told how bad he is instead of shown. Considering this isn’t a film put together by some college students, they could have easily put in an additional scene or two where we really want the bad guys to lose. I’ve met high school students who were nastier than the villains in this film. I could not careless whether they won or lost.

drive-wallpaper_105469-1600x1200(How does he keep the same expression? He should be angry!)

Drive may be one of the most overrated films I have seen in a while. One person told me it was this generation’s Taxi Driver which made me think he didn’t like Taxi Driver very much. Taxi Driver had a complex character who you find yourself rooting for despite knowing he’s the bad guy, although I see him as more of a hero since he never actually hurts anyone. The person who told me this was probably not thinking very much deeper than basing it on the title alone. He probably thought Driving Miss Daisy was comparable to Taxi Driver.

If you are a person who will watch a movie for the sake of seeing Ryan Gosling then I would recommend this film to you. But please, realize he will never go to prom with you. Stop daydreaming. Ryan Gosling wants nothing to do with a girl who uses a photo of him as her Facebook cover photo. That’s just too creepy.

ryan-gosling-in-drive(“Christ dude, smile. I’m about to get shot and you’re going to bang my wife.” – the guy about to get shot and have his wife banged by Ryan Gosling)

I decided I’m going to do two blog posts about Batman in a row. This one is dedicated to the women in Bruce Wayne and Batman’s life. The biggest problem with Bruce Wayne is that he never could balance banging one chick as the millionaire playboy and a different one as Batman. For some reason he had to eventually bang the chick as both, because maybe he likes women to feel like whores. I don’t know. My parents weren’t shot dead in front of me so I will not judge.

I have been thinking about it and Batman/Bruce Wayne should have gotten hotter chicks than he did.

Kim Bassinger

VickiValeKimBasinger

In Batman, the original film done by Tim “Hey that’s a cool idea, let me ruin it” Burton, the love interest to Bruce Wayne is played by Kim Bassinger. While Bassinger was attractive back then, she was still in Alec Baldwin’s league and was he ever sexy? Alec is the famous Baldwin Brother. Daniel is the sexy one.

Michelle Pfeiffer

Batman Returns-michelle-pfeiffer-michael-keaton

I’m not going to even bother looking to see if I spelled her last name correctly because silent P’s piss me off. Her last name should be Fifer. Don’t give me this bullshit about a P then two f’s with an e thrown in there for good measure. Michelle Pppppppppppppppfeiffer (if you can add one silent P you can add many silent P’s) played Catwoman in this movie and she was still hot, but quickly fading. Taking into consideration that Batman was played by Michael Keaton aka the snowman possessed by a dead father in Jack Frost, he was dating way out of his league.

Nicole Kidman

kidman-and-batman

I never was attracted to Nicole Kidman. She’s so tall and flat in a wobbly sort of way, no disrespect to her of course because all women are beautiful in some way. Nicole Kidman just happens to be beautiful in the way she has lots of money. Not only that, Kidman slept with Tom Cruise. Worst of all, she’s not the only Bruce Wayne girlfriend to do it.

Katie Holmes

katie-holmes-batman-begins-400a-010407

Prisoner of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes is another actress that has no sex appeal yet we pretend she does. Best known for her Dawson’s Creek days, Holmes could only be so lucky to nail a guy like Bruce Wayne down. Christian Bale is also probably the best looking Batman, at least in my eyes. There’s something about him I find so endearing in a totally “hey we’re just two men exploring each other’s bodies” kind of way.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

rachel-dawes-maggie-gyllenhaal

Not only did Bruce Wayne want to tap this, so did Harvey Dent. They fought over it and eventually she got killed and Harvey Dent had half his face blown off. Really, Two-Face should have been called Half-Face. I guess he has a more positive perspective on life than me though, right? That’s how those things are determined. Maggie Gyllenhaal seems too attainable to me. Someone like Bruce Wayne should only get really hot chicks with giant breasts and bad taste in television shows–because hot chicks always have such bad taste in things.

The Dark Knight Rises did a good job at actually having women Bruce Wayne should more realistically sleep with. Anne Hathaway was hot as Catwoman, the foreign girl with the dumb plan that took too long was smoking, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is cute in a boyish way. I still can’t believe they had Batman makeout with a guy!

*Please note I would bang every woman mentioned here, but that’s only because I make $12 an hour with no benefits other than my boss gives me muffins sometimes.

**Also wanted to point out that Iron Man dates Gwyneth Paltrow, another woman who is not as attractive as we pretend she is. Maybe I just have something against incredibly flat-chested women?

I know I said I was not going to be blogging as much and this is my third this week, but it’s mostly because I have actually been home more and have less to say. The less you have to say, the more blog posts you do. The more you have to say, the more likely you are to get shot for having an opinion. Speaking of getting shot, here’s a review I wrote months ago that was supposed to be on some website that never existed and it’s about a movie where a lot of people shoot each other.

My Review of Battle Royale:

If you are anything like me, I don’t mean the manic depression, then you were a little upset with the 2012 hit film The Hunger Games. The film was pretty, had a good story, and it was long which means I got my money’s worth. The problem with The Hunger Games other than no one actually starved to death was that in a film about kids killing each other, things never got very gruesome. For those like me who were upset that many of the death scenes had cutaways, you are in luck because there is a much more violent film where The Hunger Games basically lifted its idea from and it’s called Battle Royale.

Battle_royale_pochette(With Beat Takeshi people! The only Japanese actor named after a fictional band from Doug)

I have been a Battle Royale fan for years now. I even have an old faded shirt I got off eBay years ago. I wear it to bed now more than anything because when I do put it on I have self-esteem issues about my body. I think it makes me look fat. What are not fat are the kids in this movie. Except for one of them, but he doesn’t last very long which really bugged me because as racist as it may sound, I had some trouble telling the characters apart.

Battle Royale essentially is about a group of Japanese high school students who while on a field trip are gassed to the point where they pass out. When they wake up, they are in a classroom. I know I’m sounding nitpicky with one of my favorite films, but I want to point out it would have probably been cheaper if they just drove the bus to wherever they were going and had a few guys with guns push the kids into the classroom. Knock-out nerve gas has to be really expensive. I have never bought any, but it’s not exactly something we ever see for sale in a Walmart circular. I think it’s safe to say nerve gas is expensive and I would have kidnapped these children at a much cheaper cost.

battleroyale(At a comic book convention I actually met the one with the small frame, straight dark hair, and tan-colored clothing pictured here)

A video is played that lets the children know they are on a remote island where they will have to fight each other to the death until only one is left. Sound familiar? It’s not. Battle Royale came out first and the book was published in 1999. The Hunger Games should sound familiar to you.

Questions are raised at this point as to why this is happening. As the case is with subtitled films, a lot may go overlooked because reading during a movie can be tiresome. These students are part of something called the BR Act which was passed after 800,000 students walked out of school without permission from their parents. Think of this as Ferris Bueller to the extreme with a lot more Japanese kids and machine guns.

Battle Royale (1)(I know neither is holding a machine gun, but remember that Asian people are larger than most so it just looks small)

In addition to the students in the class there are two other men in the room with them. These two men are former winners of the game. I never like games that when you win all you get is a chance to play again. Miniature golf does that. I also had a friend win a pie eating contest once and he won a pie. None of these prizes are fair, especially the one about having to kill more people after having killed all of your classmates.

Each student is given a bag at random. The bags contain helpful items like maps, swords, and guns or unhelpful things like a paper fan, a saucepan lid, or a copy of Battle Royale 2. I never saw Battle Royale 2. I heard it’s exactly like the first one so to me it sounds pretty useless.

The film follows these different students as they fight for survival. Some form alliances, others fend for themselves. Others choose to not fight which is ridiculous because if they don’t get down to one person before time expires, the collars on their necks will go off and decapitate them. Maybe that’s why they needed the knock-out gas after all. Kids hate when you put death collars on their necks. The only way you can do it is if they are knocked out. There goes my theory that I’m good at kidnapping children.

 battleroyale5(So if you put a grenade in someone’s mouth their head falls off?)

There are two main characters in the film, a male and a female. Their names are whatever the Japanese equivalent of Katniss and Peeta are. Their characters are not as deep as some of the side characters, some of whom are completely badass evil, but they work for what they are.

I originally fell in love with Battle Royale because of its ultraviolent images. This may indeed be the most violent film I have ever seen. It’s bloody, gory, and has good guys as well as bad ones. Where Battle Royale falls short I believe is that it is adapted from a very complex book. There are times I felt like important parts were skipped over too quickly and plot points were not fully explained. I had to do some reading on this film after viewing it which is actually a good thing because it means I liked the film enough where I wanted to learn more.

a-reading-books-hot-sexy-12(Reading? Hasn’t she ever heard of TV? Or a chair?)

Although at times you may find yourself watching this film not quite sure why this is all happening, it can be enjoyed from a less complex perspective. Did you enjoy the Christopher Nolan Batman films? Those are incredibly complicated. The Dark Knight Rises spoiler alert: Remember how Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend, whatever her name is foreign girl, reveals why she turned on him? It made no sense at all. She spent all those years getting into a business that she knew would get her close to Bruce Wayne. She went to school all for the sake of getting to kill him. It’s like in The Naked Gun when bad guy points out he spent years doing a job he hated just so he could one day kill the queen. And what if the Bruce Wayne girlfriend lady was ugly? Bruce Wayne doesn’t date ugly chicks. So many little things had to be perfect for her to pull that off. It made no sense and still the film was enjoyable.

Battle Royale is not much different in that way. Watch it for what it is, something different and original with graphic scenes of high school kids killing each other.

My review of the film A Good Old-Fashioned Orgy. Don’t expect too many compliments.

From the creative minds of a lot of recognizable faces, but names no casual comedy fan will really remember, comes the story of a group of friends trying to live the American Dream. Scholars will say the American Dream is to have a loving spouse, healthy children, and a fulfilling job. Those things are all fine and dandy for some people. For me, I just want to be involved in an orgy. It’s not even so much being involved in the orgy as much as I would like to be invited to one. What’s wrong with me that this has never happened? Are my friends this boring? Are good old-fashioned orgies something that only happens in a film?

a-good-old-fashioned-orgy

A Good Old Fashioned Orgy was pretty much what I expected. The film stars Saturday Night Live cast member Jason Sudeikis as Eric, an average guy who loves having energetic parties at his father’s house in the Hamptons. For those of you not familiar with the Hamptons, this is where rich people in New York spend their weekends and think up new ways to screw over the poor. An anonymous source tells me they’re thinking about eating us next.

When Eric finds out his father has put the house on the market, he freaks out a bit. This will be the last summer him and his motley crew of friends have to throw their awesome parties. It’s a little hard for me to feel sympathetic for their situation. The last party I was invited to was after a funeral and I think I was only invited because I was mistaken for someone else. I guess I just have one of those faces.

Eric’s best friend, the overly sexual and overweight Mike, hatch up a plan to have an orgy with their best friends. At first everyone is reluctant to join in. The promise of sex though seems to be enough for some once they begin to realize an orgy with your friends is not so strange. The characters in this film have known each other since high school. What’s there to really talk about at this point? That’s the beauty of sex. You don’t have to lie about being a doctor when you’re doing it. Of course you have to lie about being one in order to get it usually, right? Please tell me I am not the only one.

doc02(This could easily be Photoshopped into making me more attractive to the opposite sex)

The first portion of the film follows as Eric and Mike try to convert the others. With personal problems arising in the lives of others, they see an orgy as the only thing to cure what ails them. The process shows just how close these friends really are. I have enough trouble getting my friends to accept Facebook friend requests. Maybe I should introduce myself to them in real life and stop referring to people I look at through a binocular’s gaze as a friend.

There are three staggering issues I have with this film. I use the word staggering because I have never used it before and it’s on my bucket list. Also on my bucket list, eating lunch tomorrow. I set my goals low so I can actually achieve them.

My first problem with the film is it isn’t very funny. There are certainly jokes throughout, most just aren’t all that great. I laughed out loud a few times which I believe is a requirement of a comedy. Being able to recognize humor is different than actually feeling humor. You can say someone is ugly, but until you’ve puked thinking about their face, are they really?

sandra_bernhard_435x290(I used to think Sandra Bernhard was Julia Roberts when she was going through a dark phase in her life)

Second, this movie is about an orgy and there is no nudity other than a fat man’s ass until nearly the end. Nothing against man-ass, I’m just not that into you. We see one pair of breasts and even those don’t last very long. If you plan to watch this movie for the boobs, don’t. I watch every movie for the boobs which is a bad habit I have. Let’s agree to never do it again because we always leave disappointed, don’t we?

Probably the most important thing that bugged me about this movie was the plot. The simple having an orgy thing was fine. The subplot was what really was half-assed. Eric ends up interested in one of the realtors trying to sell his father’s house. She’s incredibly forgiving whenever he behaves like an idiot which really annoyed me because I act like an idiot all the time and everyone always runs. Sometimes they even grab a cab if it’s not rush hour. The whole plot with Eric and the realtor is incredibly underdone. At no point did I care if they ended up together. They also seemed like two people who never really bothered to get to know each other. I want a relationship in a film, even one mainly about an orgy, to be realistic. Show the flaws, the insecurities, and the boring nonsense we all have to do when we get to know someone.

Here’s another review of a movie I wrote for that website that never ended up existing. I’m trying to post this on weekends when fewer people are sitting at home reading blogs. I didn’t post one last weekend though and nobody seemed to notice or care. I only mention this so if you are sitting at home alone on the weekend you know you’re not the only person out there hated by society.

My review of Serpico

In an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the character Charlie Day dresses up like the character Frank Serpico, the title character from the film Serpico. I didn’t really understand the jokes from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia because I had never seen the film. I laughed anyway because sometimes that’s what you need to do when you realize you are an uncultured idiot.

serpicocolhead_02

Serpico is pretty much the start of Al Pacino behaving like an insane person on screen. If you go back and watch The Godfather you will see he is actually a pretty normal guy with a normal speaking voice. Scent of a Woman came along and now for some reason Pacino who was once a respected actor felt the need to yell rather than act. Yelling isn’t acting Mr. Pacino. If that were the case then the greatest actor of all-time is my grandpa whenever he saw a black person anywhere near his property.

Based on a true story, this film follows a New York police officer named Frank Serpico. Surprised? The name Serpico always made me think of the fake James Bond villain from The Simpsons, Hank Scorpio. Frank Serpico is much different. He’s an honest cop who gets tired of doing things the normal way, dirty. He begins to dress in street clothes and by that I mean like someone who lives on the street. He wears a poncho, a bucket hat, and he refuses to shave. In today’s world Serpico would be an ironic hipster who enjoys wearing clothes that completely clash with one another. Back then though he was trying to look like the average street dweller.

hipster(Do you know how many girls in their 20s this look would attract these days? Even if the hat looks like a lampshade, he looks jobless and girls dig it)

The story shows how one man tries to take down a corrupt system. The fact it’s based on actual events is what makes this film work. If this was simply a made-up idea then it would be complete crap. Frank Serpico is a great character with a lot of animation bother physically and verbally. Other than him there are no standouts which I believe must be true for a movie to entertain when it’s about a topic not near and dear to our hearts. Personally, police corruption is not something I really think about. It’s a world I will probably never enter, at least until I give up being a fan of extreme couponing.

Serpico is a film listed as a classic on Netflix. Indeed it is a classic, but do not confuse this with many of the other better classic films out there. For what it is, this is a fine film. The biggest problem is probably that it’s 40 years old. Do you know an actual person who is 40 years old? Think about how flawed they are at this point. I’m sure when they first came out they were pretty with it. At this point the haircuts look strange and the technology is not outdated. And as is the case with many 40 years olds, at times this many drags along a little too much.

serpico charlie(A scene from the episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia because no actual clip could be found on YouTube. How? There was even a cat in the episode. Everything with a cat is on YouTube)

This film is not for action fans or people expecting to see Al Pacino shoot a lot of bad guys. Serpico is a true to life story about knowing the difference between right and wrong. If not for the subject matter, this film could have easily been Disney flick.

Here’s the review I wrote for that website that never ended up existing for the film The Illusionist, but not really because the movie was so bad I stopped paying attention.

Review of The Illusionist (but not really)

The Illusionist is a terrible movie with Ed Norton not as a modern-day person mixed up with the wrong people, Paul Giamatti not doing a funny enough voice, and Jessica Biel not wearing a bikini. Skip this movie and instead watch a much better movie about magicians, The Prestige.

the-prestige

You may have to actually venture out your door to get a copy of The Prestige, but trust me it’s worth it. In my opinion this is far superior to any of Christopher Nolan’s other films. The Batman movies take multiple viewings to understand and Inception takes multiple viewings, reading the script, reading numerous forums online, talking to the director, and then taking a wild guess what it means to fully comprehend. The Prestige is different and it still manages to fuck with your mind.

The Prestige takes place sometime when men pretend women have equal rights and there are no black people anywhere to be seen. I think it’s around 1900. Either way, it stars Christian Bale as Alfred Borden and Hugh Jackman as Robert Angier. They are magicians who work together until a fatal accident causes them to go their separate ways. It is because of this mistake the two go about exacting revenge on each other in both violent and show business ways. Yes, there’s a slight difference.

prestige(They were friends and then they weren’t. They’re like me and that kid who farted  me in 10th grade Spanish class)

Are you seriously not convinced how awesome this movie is yet? There’s magic, former friends attempting to ruin the other’s life, and magic. Oh, Scarlett Johansson is in it too. Not into chicks or the two stars Bale and Jackman? I see, you like androgynous people. You’re in luck. David Bowie plays legendary scientist Nikola Tesla. Take some time to clean the stain in the front of your pants you nerds. Change your underpants, and then continue reading.

ron swanson(David Bowie looks way too much like Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation here for me to ever take this movie seriously again)

Much of the film is told through diary entries as Borden and Angier steal each other’s magic journals trying to figure out how the other accomplishes their greatest tricks. There are plot twists out the wazoo. I think wazoo is Yiddish for vagina so you should want to see this movie even more.

The “present day” part of the film involved Borden on death row for killing Angier. This is not a spoiler as this is how the film starts. Told through flashbacks in a totally non-annoying way, we find out what looked obvious is not so.

Angier spends much of the film traveling to visit Tesla about a machine he has that can supposedly do “real magic.” While he’s off doing that and destroying any personal relationships he has with anyone, Borden is becoming a regular Criss Angel minus the me wanting to wake up and see “Criss Angel dead” on the top Yahoo searches. Both of their tricks involve making something disappear then reappear somewhere else. It’s called The Transported Man and may indeed be one of the greatest magic tricks ever.

scarlett(I had to include a picture of Scarlett Johansson somewhere)

The quote on the DVD case for this is “As soon as it’s over you’ll want to watch it again.” I’m not sure who said this quote as I leant the film to a friend who may or may not have traded it for drugs. I’ve watched it a few times already and would be willing to put more money into Christopher Nolan’s pockets by paying for a new copy. It’s just that good. I would be willing to buy two copies of it. I have never bought two of anything. It probably has something to do with growing up missing a leg.

Skip watching the incredibly boring film The Illusionist and instead watch The Prestige. It’s the newest movie I own which not only says how stubborn I am with movies, but also how great this one really is. Venture out from your caves and buy a copy as soon as you can. If you don’t like it then I honestly hope something bad happens to you today, tomorrow, not the next day so you think life is improving, and then something bad every day after that for the rest of your miserable bad taste in movie life.

Here is the review I wrote for that website that never ended up existing for The Human Centipede Part Deux. It has nothing to do with one of my most memorable blog posts I have ever done entitled Human Centipedes where I thoroughly analyze which part of the Human Centipede I would most like to be. So here’s a medically accurate review of an unnecessary made shock sequel.

The Human Centipede 2 Review:

Few movies can stir up such controversy as the film The Human Centipede. I had heard about the film from a friend who had heard about it from a homosexual Asian prostitute she knows, how appropriate. I enjoyed the original film, especially the first half where it was actually genuinely creepy and frightening. I had high hopes for the sequel. The last time I was this disappointed was when I got the waitress at Hooters with the one breast. I know it shows that she’s brave and all, but let’s call a spade a spade. The last thing I want to think about when I’m out with the guys for wings at Hooters is a hysterectomy.

The Human Centipede 2 starts off promising. The main character is introduced to us as a parking garage attendant, better known to some as  the unskilled janitor. He sits in his small cube office watching the finale of the original film, which lets us know the first one never happened actually happened in this universe which to me feels a little cheap and used.

The main character is named Martin and he is one of the creepiest men to ever appear on film. He’s fat, toad-like, and never speaks. As he claims his first few victims this film keeps me on edge, thinking this could possibly go somewhere. Spoiler alert, it never does.

martin human centipede(Ladies?)

One by one and sometimes two by two Martin bludgeons his victims in the parking garage he works at. For some reason it is never explained what happens to the victim’s cars or how the police never receive reports from the families of these victims. As soon as maybe four victims are claimed I would think an officer of the law would realize there is something in common, all of these missing people parked in the same garage the night they went missing. The Human Centipede claims itself to be medically accurate. Try being logically accurate and maybe people would enjoy this film a bit more.

Martin is portrayed as an abuse victim obsessed with The Human Centipede film. He has a scrapbook about it and he watches it continuously on loop. All of this effort is put into worshiping a film. With all of this energy he could have written a great book or cured some incurable disease. I appreciate the effort Martin goes to loving the film, but considering this is a sequel to the film he’s worshiping, I found out it a little pretentious.

Human-Centipede-2-007(He’s wearing glasses. I bet they’re not even prescription. So pretentious)

The main abusers in Martin’s life are his mother and his therapist. Not to say abuse ever makes sense, but his mother’s abuse makes a lot more sense than what his therapist does. The therapist openly admits to wanting to molest Martin, an overweight asthmatic in his 40s, while receiving oral sex from a prostitute in the garage Martin works at. How convenient. I think the most illogical thing here is that a therapist doesn’t make enough money to get a motel room. Martin’s mother is abusive in the more standard way. She blames Martin for his father’s death. His father deserved death because he sexually abused Martin. I found all of the molestation a little too much. What’s wrong with having a bad guy who is just plain evil? It works for Simon Cowell.

Basically this film is Martin beating people in the garage, taking them to his warehouse, going home and getting yelled at, and then repeating the cycle. Martin’s main goal with all of this kidnapping is to make the world’s longest human centipede which he assumes requires twelve people. The last time I checked my Guinness Book of World Records, two would have been long enough.

The final twenty-five minutes is finally about actually assembling the centipede. The shots are gruesome and a few still standout in my mind as memorable. Still, this doesn’t make up for the lack of a good plot, which the film had, they just executed it very poorly. The movie dragged and I found myself screaming at the computer “something happen already!” It was like watching the Jodie Foster film Contact only slightly better. Anything is better than Contact.

contact poster(The above image is the most offensive thing I have ever seen. My apologies. I had to make a point)

If I was in charge I would have done it differently. I would have had Martin obsessed not with a film, but with the crime story. Have it be an Urban Legend about the German doctor from the first film assembling these people together. Have Martin obsessed with a reality, not a film. The idea of imitating film can be unique, but in this case I would have preferred it if it was known that people were actually going out committing these heinous crimes. But what does my opinion matter? The last time I went to Red Lobster I got a hamburger.