Movies have extras. Life has extras. The best thing about the town I’m currently residing in is it’s very communal. By that I mean it’s so poor that we all share a bathroom. We call the bathroom “anywhere in Burger King.” My favorite things about towns are the people in these towns that we encounter often but never connect with. Here are people I see often and will never know when they die.
The Androgynous Homeless Person:
I’m pretty sure it’s a woman. I would probably have to have sex with it to find out for sure. I see this homeless person almost every day. Technically it lives one town over. Well, technically it lives nowhere. Sometimes it asks me for change and other times it just sits there looking exhausted. The best part is there are two bridges nowhere and it gets to choose which one to hide beneath and bother people. I only have one home where I can do that.
(Remember Pat from SNL? I just did)
The Kid Handing Out Papers:
There’s this kid I always see by the train station handing out papers. At first I thought he was an entrepreneur but then I realized he’s working for some luxury apartment building. The luxury apartments he works for are apparently really nice. I can’t be sure though. I always refrain from making eye contact with him. He works too closely to the homeless thing.
The Friendly Subway Girl with the Nice Butt:
Possibly my favorite person in town is the girl who works at Subway and has a really nice butt. She wears tight black shorts sometimes. Say what? I hate that the counter blocks my view. She’s always very friendly too and smiles a ton. Whenever she serves me I’ll stay there and eat because I have this fantasy that she’ll mop up the floor, bump into me by accident, and somehow we’ll accidentally have sex.
(My future wife getting yelled at for farting on the olives)
The Unfriendly Subway Girl with the Nice Face:
Personally I think this Subway girl has a pretty face. She’s less traditionally beautiful, something I respond well to. While the nice butt girl has a perfect Portuguese face with a nice tan and plucked eyebrows, this unfriendly girl is pale and looks a little insecure. She never smiles or anything. One time I made a joke about how the sandwiches are not really 12 inches. I think I mentioned that on my blog before. She defended Subway when I said it and we only saw each other one time after that again. Well, I saw her. I doubt she saw me. The bushes were high.
The Dunkin Donuts People:
The Dunkin Donuts down the street from me has a unique cast of people working there. Angry Black Guy is okay, friendly fat girl is a doll, round Mexican woman is average, and young Indian guy always seems polite. The only two people I dislike are the two guys whose nationalities are a mystery. I have a feeling they make fun of me. One looks like a tall midget and the other has a face that lets us know he was probably in a car accident. It’s only two or three blocks away so it’s the only Dunkin Donuts I can ever go to. The other one is really far. I would rather get laughed at in Arabic than have to walk an extra mile.
(Sometimes it feels like they’re being as mean and Middle Eastern as this guy)
The QuickChek People:
Quickchek is the place I go the most. Like Dunkin Donuts, it has many people. There is the Arab girl, the friendly fat guy, a lot of tall well-shouldered young Spanish men, a bunch more Spanish girls, guy with a mustache, and my favorite the attractive older Spanish woman with blonde hair. I probably have as much of a shot hooking up with this 45 year old Spanish woman as I do…okay maybe I do have a shot. She works at Quickchek. She might do things for money.
The Old Guy From Dominos:
I don’t go into Dominos ever, but I always see their geriatric delivery man wandering about. I always feel bad for the guy because he’s probably someone’s grandfather. He’s clearly 70 or not far from it and he looks miserable delivering pizzas. I really hope he was a white collar criminal, otherwise his life seems really sad because his coworkers are lesbians with weir tattoos and haircuts.
(He does have a Mr. Burns thing about him other than the whole having money detail)
The Town Crazy Man:
Every town has that one crazy man. My hometown had a guy who would always sit on his porch talking to himself. This new town has this Spanish guy who rides a bike with a giant American flag and a boombox. Sometimes he plays good music too. I’ll see him at all times of the day. Morning, afternoon, and in the middle of the night he’ll be riding around blasting music. His only competition is the guy who stands in front of Quick Check with a giant crucifix. He’s a little less crazy because the second vampires attack he will be prepared with a defense.
The Crazy Old Lady:
I almost forgot about this one until I saw her almost get run over by the Town Crazy Man. The Crazy Old Lady first crossed paths with me one afternoon when she said “hello” and it sent shivers down my spine. She did it again and I was prepared. What’s terrible about her is that she literally looks dead. She’s incredibly pale and it’s just freaky to be around. I saw her litter the other day which totally turned me against her. It was great too because she was about to throw the trash in one place, but decided to throw it somewhere else. Somewhere a Native American is getting ready to hunt her down and scalp her already bald head.