This is a very important post. It’s short too so many people will probably see it.
Yesterday I warned I would need some help with a radio contest. Well, the help begins today. Keep in mind, this isn’t one of those “whoever has the most friends” or “whoever is the most devout Catholic” wins contest. This is a contest you win on merit which I always respect. So basically, if you have the time, if you have the desire, if you want to get on my good side, go to the link below and leave a comment on my video.
I will have yet another video I am entering to post on here and bug you about as soon as Carter “Superstar” Johns finally gets around to recording his part of our duo video which I guarantee will be the most unique and entertaining thing anyone submits this year ever infinity forever.
I also know you probably have no idea what I’m saying in the video because you’re not a Philadelphia sports fan or a sports fan in general. It doesn’t matter. I’m making a great point. If you have no clue what to comment, you can simply comment “Yes! Yes! Yes!” or any other wrestling reference you can think of that are relevant. If I am one of the finalists selected to attend a live event and we have the chance to play it up to the crowd, I plan on turning the thing into a madhouse. All you have to do to comment is signup really quick or even sign in with Facebook. It’s pretty simple.
Also apologies now to anyone on Facebook who also reads the blog who I will probably bug about this further. Just remember, if I can win this then I will never be mean to you ever again because I will have my dream job…or at least one of them.
Rather than create new material I went through my computer’s recycle bin to find old deleted videos. These videos were deleted because they contain failed acting performances by me. I had hoped I had more than I realized some of my other failed acting performances took place last March. A lot changes in a year. We lose sight of what’s important. We have an endless amount of mistakes we have made. We also empty our computer’s recycle bin because we enjoy the sound of glass breaking.
Anyway, here’s a video that shows how bad of an actor I am. These aren’t even all of the takes (that’s movie lingo for attempts) it took me to finally get it right. I present to you the return of Hank Stromboli! This time failing miserably. Keep in mind these are in order that they were filmed. You can notice how I go from laughing when I screw up to violently cursing. I think I have better cursing angry videos. I’ll get to those later on.
If you missed the full Hank Stromboli video you can click here to see it: Alter Egos
Here is the second episode of Stick Prison. I’m honestly a little disappointed with the results, not that it’s completely terrible or anything. I just liked the first episode more and the voices hurt my throat too much this time around. I also realized a major error that would take me 3 hours to fix. It doesn’t affect the story so screw you guys I’m not fixing it. The third episode I have planned will be epic and awesome. Now to get the motivation to do it. My focus has been elsewhere the last two weeks, but I will get around to it at some point. Anyhow, enjoy. If you missed the first episode you can find it here: Stick Prison
In an attempt to do more things other than write TV pilots that just sit as PDF files on my computer with nobody caring about them whatsoever, I decided a little over a week ago I should try to make my own show. I have an obsession with episodic storylines where we can watch a character grow along the way while others come and go. I tried acting in one idea I had which I still think is a great idea, only I’m a terrible actor and it would have taken me forever to do the editing because the free program I was using moved too slowly. If I wanted to create my own web series I would have to resort to animation. I found a free Stick Figure program online that I read was really simple. I tested it out and the next day I got to putting an actual idea together. The result, 4 straight days of hardly doing anything else other than animating stick figures to move, swear, and violently kill each other. In the end after what was a ridiculous amount of time I put into it, this was the result. The debut of Stick Prison an ultraviolent, bloody, foul comedy about Stick Figures in prison.
Feedback, ideas, or help in any way either creatively or simply by sharing this is anywhere you can think of is much appreciated.
Final Notes:
The YouTube URL in case you feel so inclined is: youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_5pE6bcnmI&feature=youtu.be
The second episode should be out in 2 weeks.
Yes I did everything except the music. But I did have to search through a free archive for 4 hours to find something good. I did suffer.
Do you hate reading? Boy do I know I do! Here is another short video I created. This was before I downloaded my editing program so I had to whip out my acting chops which are nowhere to be found. It took me 40 minutes to get through the first 40 seconds and when I finally did I decided to just go with it. My apologies for being such a bad actor. If I can be such a man about admitting my weaknesses as an actor then what’s Mark Wahlberg’s deal? Admit it Marky Mark, you suck.
The video is about my Alter Ego, a pretentious author. When you run into enough “talented” people you will meet people like the fellow I portray in this film. Before you call me a hypocrite remember, at least I don’t have my name written in block lettering across my refrigerator. Enjoy.
*Special Note: I’m not wearing pants in this video. They were causing me to stumble so I removed them. You can now say you saw me panstless and peacefully blow out your brains.
How can someone enjoy reading a blog if they don’t have opening credits to go with it? They won’t know who I am or who the guest stars are. So here it is, the opening credits to my blog.
These are the names of bloggers who were around to comment a lot in 2012. Stick around for 2013 and you can be famous too.
Thanks to Art of Pouring My Art Out I have downloaded a free easy to use program where I can create and edit videos. I knew it would be free and easy because the guy who told me about it, Art, is also free and easy.
Here is the first video I made.
I also want to take this opportunity to wish you all a wonderful Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate. I celebrate Christmas so that’s the one I wish well on others first because that’s the way things work. Either way, have a nice rest of the year.
P.S. My next two posts will be a bit more informative and less scatological. In fact they may be the last two posts I ever do…until I get around to doing another one. Enjoy the holiday season.
P.P.S. I had originally had this scheduled to post on Christmas Eve. I was away from a computer and thanks to Twin Daddy I learned the crappy video did not work. Even worse, I don’t feel like going back and making this sound more timely. Christmas is over and I hope yours was grand.
Losers rely on wishes to get them through the day. I never make wishes. When I see a star in the sky I do not make a wish. I try shooting the star with my gun. I’m an American. It’s what we do. When I blow out the candles on my birthday cake I do not make a wish. In fact I never blow out the candles on my birthday cake. Each year I kidnap a Jehovah Witness and forcefully make them do it. If I’m feeling really cruel we get a blood transfusion afterwards. Wishes are not for me. However, today is your chance to make one.
Wishes are popular among the Middle Eastern people. They have these blue ghosts called Genies. Personally, I prefer the Djinn over the Genie. Djinns are evil Genies. The film Wishmaster is all about them. This used to be my favorite movie. At one point a man wishes for a million dollars. As soon as he does, his mom signs over an insurance form in her son’s name then hops on a plane. The fucking plane blows up right after! Another woman wishes to be beautiful forever. She is turned into a manikin. The best wish came in Wishmaster 2: Wes Craven Needs More Money. A prisoner wishes for his lawyer to go fuck himself. Guess what literally happens?
I used to not be so cynical about wishes. I used to go to the mall and toss pennies into the fountain. I made so many wishes my family had to sell their bodies on the streets and to science. Sometimes we were selling our bodies to both. Have you ever spent a night as a prostitute with test makeup on your face? I have. To me wishes have become the Atheist’s Prayer. I never get an Atheist who makes a wish. You’re denying the existence of a God yet you think there are Wish Fairies out there? I think I should start a religion based around Wish Fairies. They’ll be like angels only louder and more obnoxious.
To follow through with my goal to become a more loving person (I know right, seems like I’m pretty far off here doesn’t it?) I have decided to grant each person reading this one wish. Something simple, free, and easy I can do to make your life, my life, or the world a better place. I’m serious about this. Anything you desire I will do as long as it follows the guidelines below:
-Your wish must not cost me or anyone else money. I’m not an official Genie. This means I’m not Union Certified. I have to pay outrageous taxes on anything costing money.
-Your wish must deliver kindness into the world. Even if your wish harms someone else, as long as it brings some good to an equal or greater number of people I will do it. Hey, some people have to be collateral damage here. I’m new to this granting wishes thing.
-Your wish must not involve a drastic change in my life or anyone else’s, at least not immediately. For instance don’t wish me to adopt a child. I’m bad enough at finishing milk before it expires. A child will end up microwaved under my care. Let’s start with something simple.
-Your wish must be within reason. I have very little reason. I can’t really explain this one further.
-Your wish must come from your heart. If you do not have a heart you can wish for a heart. I would not suggest this. The Scarecrow wished for a heart and he was accidentally shot by a farmer a week later who thought he was a trespasser.
So make your wish! You only get one. I also have right to refuse your wish. I swear I will do whatever your wish ends up being, even if there is no proof. Maybe I can even blog about the mishaps that ensue when I fail to make the world a better place. I’m hoping at least one of you wishes me to put an object of mine inside an object belonging to someone else to give us both a great amount of pleasure. I think you know what I mean.
The first time was cute. The first time for anything is cute. The first time man stepped foot on the moon, adorable! Look at silly Neil, bouncing up and down like a dog in a swimming pool. When Obama won the election I wanted to pinch his cheeks it was so cute having a black president. Even the first plane crash was pretty damn swell. You know, the old black and white footage of the plane with the wings flapping? You can’t help but laugh at the carnage that did not ensue and does now each time a plane does crash. If we went back to that old model, Lost would have been a 3 minute show and J.J. Abrams could go back to being named after Good Times characters like he should.
(President Obama looking so adorable at his inauguration in his big boy suit)
When things jump the shark, become too common, they lose their flair. It’s no longer interesting or admirable. What exactly is it I am referring to specifically with all of this? Pleas to celebrities to go on dates with the downtrodden. I’ll do my best not to shit on marines or cancer kids in this, but no promises.
If you don’t have any idea what I’m talking about, let me catch you up. There’s this trend going around where common folk like you and I ask celebrities out on dates. Usually they do it via YouTube. You know, the website with videos that doesn’t have any nudity. Yeah, I think it’s useless too. I’ve never watched these videos. Why would I? I have better things to do like eating and checking my dog’s poop for worms. Finally found some! My bucket list is getting shorter and shorter each day.
I’m not positive what my first experience with these entrapment dates was. I think it was a marine asking Mila Kunis out on a date. Hey, I’d love to go on a date with Mila Kunis. I’d even ask if she wanted dessert afterwards. I’d drive to a separate place for the dessert too for Mila Kunis. I don’t just do that for anyone. It’s usually you can get an appetizer and if you’re still hungry you can pick at what I have left on my plate when I’m done. To Mila’s credit, I don’t think she ever went on the date with the marine. She politely turned it down. She gets harassed and jerked off to all the time. You really think because you have a webcam and camouflage on that she should go on a date with you? Actually now that I think about it, she actually did go over to visit him. I’m not really sure and don’t feel like looking it up. Point is, Mila baby, you don’t have to ride in a black hawk helicopter to come and see me. I bet that marine didn’t even take you somewhere interesting to eat. I’m not pleading with you to go on a date with me, just suggesting.*
*I researched it and she did meet up with him. She went to a Marine’s Ball in one of the Carolinas. Sounds like a blast.
There seems to be a new one of these everyday on the Yahoo homepage, my number one source for news other than listening to high school girls gossip at the mall. Today I learned that Michelle is a whore. That was from the high school girls, not Yahoo. There’s nothing wrong with asking celebrities out on dates, it’s just–I don’t know. Corny. It’s desperate. There are plenty of beautiful people out there in the world as lonely and pathetic as you are. Try them. Maybe, and this is a real shot in the dark, you will be more compatible with a chick who works in an office than one who plays pretend in front of a camera.
(I’m sure she makes an awesome bowl of oatmeal)
Not always are these pleas from marines. Sometimes they’re from kids with diseases. Finally, sick children making use out of their own wish. I always thought what would happen if a Make A Wish Kid asked for his one wish to be having sex with a celebrity. My guess is they’d smother the child with a pillow immediately. No way they’re letting him into the pants of some Hollywood starlet. I know it’s great to ban together to get some kid a date with a celebrity and I’m mostly jealous that I’m not even allowed to fart near one let alone feel one up, but the all that effort to help the kid meet a celebrity crush doesn’t do anything. All your hard work spent on trying to fly in–Fibi from Friends? Kids think she’s sexy right?–could be better used in other ways. If the kid is dead in the water, for sure, get him whoever he wants. Force her to touch his soon to be dead body. Make her do some magic tricks for him like pulling a cure out of a hat. Maybe I’m harsh, but I think all this teaches us is nobody gives a shit about you until you’re dead or dying. Which is true.
I could never get a date with a celebrity crush. My life isn’t bad enough. I take care of myself, I’m not retarded, I’m probably going to be stuck on this rock called earth for a few more years. If I want a celebrity to screw, I do it the old fashion way. I break into her mansion and have my way. Or I work really hard to make a name for myself. Make them want me. I hate all kinds of free handouts. Especially when they involve putting guilt on some poor celebrity into having no choice but to tell you that your video was charming but they have to politely decline your request to stare at you awkwardly for 10 minutes while you blab about how much you loved her in some terrible movie. How can any other girl ever love you after you’ve publicly humiliated yourself showing how obsessed you can be with a stranger? She knows she’ll never live up to that. Why should she even bother?
Simply put, you’re a loser if you ever make one of these videos.
So here’s my first of many to come.
Off the record: I swear my delivery is much better in the second one I made. This took about 2 hours to figure out and that doesn’t include how long it took me to realize I needed to convert the file. I had originally done a very flamboyantly gay voice, but realized I couldn’t say certain words with a lisp, like anything starting with an S. I’m also adding a link to my YouTube channel I created on my blogroll so you can look at the other things I put up there. And for good measure I’ve added a picture of Ms. Malin Akerman at the end of this post because I will get more Facebook hits from that being the thumbnail used.
(This wouldn’t be bad either)
