Posts Tagged ‘writing’

Wow I have not put anything up here all month. I have been super busy–with what I’m not quite sure. I still write a ton for Yahoo Voices and in the last month or so they have been paying pretty decently for me to say things like “Hey, this person was on this TV show, betchya didn’t know that!” The limited time I have had to write has been spent trying to make money and since WordPress offers me nothing except for limited emotional satisfaction my focus has been elsewhere.

There is actually some real effort in this blog post. These are a few obituaries I have written based on different nursery rhymes.

nursery-rhymes

Little Miss Muffet

Little Miss Muffet

Decided to snuff it,

Getting out of her debt she saw no way.

She lit herself on fire with a lighter,

And could not be saved by a firefighter,

The funeral is scheduled for Monday.

Jack Be Nimble

Jack was no longer nimble,

Jack was no longer quick,

Jack’s life was over

When he was diagnosed with ALS and became very sick.

Little Bo Peep

Little Bo Peep passed away in her sleep

Family contacts, nobody knows where to find them.

Leave the body alone, they’ll eventually come home

She had a lot of money in her savings account.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty got a phone call

Humpty Dumpty was told he had cancer on his ball.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men

Will be attending Mr. Dumpty’s funeral next weekend.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill, the State Prison will kill

For drowning their child in water.

Jack was put down, with a blunt hit to his crown

And Jill was killed soon after.

I have not been updating this blog as much as I had planned this month. One could say I have been as busy as a beaver!

The first week this month I spent reliving Groundhog’s Day over and over again. It was really terrible having to watch that boring Super Bowl so many times. I actually didn’t watch it. This is called taking creative liberty like when people talk about slavery existing. Yeah right! Where’s the evidence?

slaves-in-field(Clearly Photoshopped! The guy in the back on the far right has a butt with 90 degree angles)

Then I was not home for a few days because I was staying with my girlfriend Molly.

Molly1

 

MollyClimbing

 

Then I came home and continued on with a normal life.

On Monday I received terrible news midday. Yahoo Sports where I have been writing terrific articles and making a nice coin while doing so will no longer accept contributions from asses like me beginning February 21st. After only 23 articles I have already gotten more views than I have from this blog. I’ve also been called an idiot a lot more too, I’m sure. I never look at the comments.

Upset by the news I arrived home where I actually received some awesome news. My sports blog Phalse Philly Sports has been discovered by several radio personalities in Philadelphia (okay, two of them) but one has actually mentioned my blog at least twice on his show and how much he loves it. He is also giving me the opportunity to produce a weekly segment for his show, which I will be working on this weekend after writing jokes for it all week long.

writing(My best joke it goes “Small squiggly line, big squiggly line, m, ink blot”)

I will continue to be a busy beaver into next week as I would like to write as many articles as I can for Yahoo Sports before they discontinue their program. There is supposedly a chance they could return to letting people like me contribute, but there is no guarantee.

That’s what I have been up to. I’d ask you what you have been doing, but I already told you about me and the only reason to ever ask anyone what they are up to or how they are feeling is so they ask you back. I said what I had to. Now be gone!

Today I received confirmation that I absolutely suck. The confirmation came in the form of Internet comments from complete strangers–the people whose opinion matters most to me.

Here are a few of the comments:

“The person who wrote this should have been aborted instead of being allowed to live.”

“Whoever wrote this has a small dick.”

“Really? They let this crap on the Internet? There’s no substance!”

Those were just three comments taken from a place where I received a lot of insults about something I worked hard at for a brief amount of time. They were from my dad, my girlfriend, and Perez Hilton respectively.

Where was this place I was publicly trashed? It was on Yahoo. No not that lousy Yahoo Voices place where everybody can write. This came from an actual Yahoo Sports article I wrote. Last night I finally figured out how to apply to be an official Yahoo Sports beat writer. I put together and article and submitted it. Today while taking a piss I checked my email and saw I had been accepted. I am now officially one of those people who has random people on the Internet comment how I should hang myself.

The article can be found right here in this really long link. I will be writing about my favorite baseball team, the Philadelphia Phillies. I’m always determined to never read comments because they will make me feel like shit. I mostly find it strange that when I try to write something very PC with little controversy I get shit on. This is why people say mean things, other people say mean things to them first.

I will not let someone telling me I’m worse than the Phillies outfield get me down. The guy who said I wrote this with a dick in my hand will not make me cry. I am happy to get some confirmation from Yahoo Sports that I do not suck, even if the public disagrees.

The first day I went to my current job I was sweaty, petrified, and stuttered through the interview. Now I keep deodorant there, am too lazy to go stiff, and my stuttering comes from having a fat tongue.

The second day I showed up I was pulled aside and asked if I would be willing to take on the office duties. One thing my boss asked was how my writing skills were–that she wanted someone with an edgy sense of humor to help give the company a…yeah I have no word. This was too long ago. Basically she was asking me to be able to take care of the business aspect of things as well as take over some creative control, even create creative control. She specifically had an idea to start doing a newsletter and told me to do whatever I wanted with it. The result is linked below. A monthly newspaper written in the same format as The Onion, this was over two month’s work. If you can count, that means I’m in a whole lot of trouble getting out the second edition in time for January. Tomorrow we send it out to the owners and I either get a lot of praise or a resounding “meh.”

Dog City Digest

hot dog(And here’s a picture of the last girl to kiss me)

As promised to the 0 people who were anticipating the follow-up, here is the list of things I have kicked ass at this past year.

A Cool Job:

I have a 9-5 job and it’s actually cool. I make *enough* money and I’m pretty much the as the Spanish would call it, grande queso. I had no experience going into the job other than not lying on my resume like the other people who applied. Now I get to play with dogs and get yelled at for not posting enough on Facebook. I even am getting to write my own “The Onion” style newspaper for work and asked my boss if I can do video editing, which I will get paid overtime for. So basically when I’m not blogging here it’s because I’m getting paid to do similar things elsewhere. The coolest thing is that I used to get in trouble for doing the same things I get paid to do now. Okay I’m beginning to brag. But really my job is pretty cool and I’m very lucky.

cool job(I take it back. My job isn’t this therefore it sucks)

I Haven’t Gotten Too Fat:

I really have no clue what shape I am in compared to last year. I think I’m in less good of shape because we have pizza too much at work. Here I am talking about work like it’s all I do. I do other things too like leave work and go there. I’m in a state where I can either have nice legs and arms with a disgusting excuse for a midsection or look hungry all of the time. That’s just the way my body works. But I haven’t gotten too fat, I know that much. Success!

cartoon_chef_4b(When I look in the mirror this is what I see minus the badass hat)

I Made 2 Friends:

This is going to sad real sad so it makes up for the me bragging earlier. I made 2 friends this year. Not only that, I haven’t made a single friend in the last 5 years. Well, I have. I just didn’t keep any for very long. I think I tend to wear on people or kill them. Who knows? I made a few other friends this year and none lasted. The two friends I did make were via Craigslist and both would be in my Top 8 on MySpace.

top8(I’d probably bump Alan and C-Dawg for them. Neither wished me a happy birthday)

I Really Don’t Care About Stupid Things Anymore:

Okay I’m lying. I do care about stupid things a lot. Fortunately I care about them slightly less. Like so what if someone doesn’t find me pretty? It’s their loss! Right? Maybe not. I guess what I should really say here is while I still question a lot I am very sure of myself. I know my opinion matters and is valuable. I know–not much else. That’s all that matters though, that I know one thing.

Grand Opening Of Kardashian Khaos At The Mirage Hotel & Casino(Here are some stupid things I never once cared about)

I Am Making Money Writing:

Aside from coming up with clever and cute things to say on Facebook, I get paid for writing my Yahoo articles. I was even honored as one of the top contributors. Top 500 contributors. I wanted to leave out the 500 because that makes it seem like any jackass can win it. Still, it’s cool to finally earn a few bucks from writing about sometimes things I want to write about.

No Picture Just Click on the Link

I’m Generally Happy:

As I type this alone in a dark bedroom with a Band-Aid on my thumb sitting on the bed because I have no couch, icing my knee and ankle due to constant pain, starving myself because I may have gotten too fat, listening to a baby cry outside on a Sunday night before work, it’s hard for me to be too depressed. I mean I really would rather not go to work tomorrow and all. Sleeping in and relaxing tomorrow sounds so much better. I can complain, but I shouldn’t. I have a pretty good idea where I am going in life and it’s not the worst place. I’m not stagnant and sometimes that’s all we can hope for. Awww. That was kind of sweet in an insulting way to anyone reading this in a stagnant place in life.

Married-couple(Stagnant people where life has become predictable)

I have written over 500 blog posts here and never once did WordPress honor me by having fair-weathered WordPress users leave me a bunch of phony comments in hopes it would boost their own followers and hits. I have written 73 articles for Yahoo Voices and finally, I received the honors equivalent to Freshly Pressed.

yahoo voices featured

 

Can you read that? I’m not sure. The font looks really small to me plus I have bad eyesight, don’t I beautiful? Yes I’m bragging. I’m bragging because I have already earned 20 cents from being on the front page of Yahoo Voices. Did you know most people skip right over regular Yahoo and go straight to Yahoo Voices? It’s a very popular site and I am being sarcastic.

Still, it’s cool, ya know. It’s only a shame that I wrote this article 3 months ago and parts of it are already outdated. I just wanted to take a moment to brag that although the WordPress Illuminati may not like me, Yahoo does. They give me money for this crap. Why aren’t you writing for Yahoo Voices you dope? See how I turned this from bragging into motivating you? I so smart.

Here’s the link to the actual home page so you can click on it and say “Oh, I see this is true.”

Yahoo Voices

Forgive me blog readers for I have sinned. It has been 9 days since my last blog post. That’s an estimation and kind of depends on interpretation. It’s been over a week though. I guess you can say my absence is because like Shawn Michaels, I have lost my smile.

I’m not handing over my world title. I’m not going to retire. I’m not going to stop blogging. I have too many things already written anyway. For now though I have very little interest in blogging. It’s not something I really think about even anymore. That’s not to say I have given up my dreams of becoming a writer. I may not be as focused on certain writing aspects in my life as I would like, but I am still writing as much as I can, which is not as much as I would like.

For now I will probably be blogging less frequently. I no longer get the same, if any, satisfaction out of it that I once did. That’s not to say I’m not happy. I’m probably the most gleeful I have been in a long time. So in your face, or something.

I am a week away from turning 26 and saying no is easy for me now. Well, I don’t really say no. I more bite my lip, tilt my head, shrug, and then say “Ya know, I’d rather not.” I’m fine without simple pleasures. I’m comfortable accepting every role I have in life. I know my value. Some things in life will never go my way. Some people will never be dependable. Things that used to make me sad just make me say “meh” because that’s the way it is and I didn’t see it coming. I give an “all righty then” and continue to move along through life.

So really what I’m saying is don’t expect me around as often, but expect me around. I have no real reason to slow up on blogging other than I just don’t like as much anymore. I would go further into it, but that’s a lost battle not worth dancing into.

Gold-Dress-dancing(Not sure if there is anyone on the planet with less sex appeal than Taylor Swift. My uncle who always has car grease on his hands…maybe)

I randomly decided to check the reviews on things I have up on Amazon when I came across this gem:

1 Star – Like being patronized to by a moron, August 21, 2013

By S.W.W. – See all my reviews

This review is from: Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy

Tim is a man who represents everything wrong with the world of amateur stand-up comedy. He performs infrequently, believes he is above the shows he performs at, makes fun of other comedians who are different than him in any way, is frequently hypocritical, and expresses sexist, racist, and homophobic viewpoints. Most importantly, he is not funny, and simply resorts to making disgusting shock jokes without any clarity, set-up or context. If the audience didn’t laugh because you made a joke about performing fellatio on your father, that’s probably not their fault. His writing style conveys not just an immaturity, but an anti-maturity, an attitude that claims that things must change for him if he wants to achieve his goals, and if they don’t, there must be something wrong with them, and I will take my toys and leave. He has done the world of comedy a favor by retiring. He could never handle the business because it requires a thick skin and a sense of modesty. He is a blogger, and I imagine the experience of his blog is akin to attending the daycare room of a Klan rally. The editing is poor. Chapters are largely redundant, ideas are half-baked, and nearly every paragraph ends with a snarky sentence recapping the paragraph with a joke about fecal matter, homophobic stereotypes, or slut-shaming. Tim stole a dollar of my money, but the advice I give him now will be much more valuable – never return.

The review was left almost a month ago and I finally saw it now which shows you how little I care what other people think now. Anyway, I decided to write an answer that they will never see.

Dear S.W.W.

Thank you for the honest review. Let me start by thanking you for only leaving negative reviews on Amazon, your only other one being for $16 headphones you bought that arrived broken. I really hope you found another solution to watching episodes of The Big Bang Theory without waking your mother.

Stop me if I’m wrong, but you seem like a frustrated road comedian. By that I mean you remind me of people stuck in career purgatory. I have no doubt there are a million comedians better than I ever was or could be and you are probably one of them. Stand-up comedy is a tough business and as you said, I did not have the thick skin to survive in it. After all, I was still in high school and had no clue what I was doing. Most high schoolers don’t. If I was to start it now I probably would have been smarter about a lot of things. However, with this bloated wisdom comes the realization that I would probably have to deal with people like you and I don’t want that, especially when I know I could never be the best, which is what this book was about more than anything, giving up when you know you suck.

I apologize if you did not quite understand the message behind the book like others seemed to no problem. The book is self-deprecating and at no point did I want the impression to be that I think I am better than anyone else, other than maybe midgets but only in the sense that I can reach things more easily. I made it a point not to attack anyone personally, unless I felt they were unfair to me. The book was meant to be about everything I did wrong and me essentially making fun of what a shit I was/still am. I am always very general when I make fun of things because few people deserve to be directly attacked.

Sexist, racist, and homophobic viewpoints? Unfortunately this was not a book about my viewpoints on life. This was a book about feeling awkward and failing miserably at something I thought for sure I would succeed at. Sure, there are jokes about women. There are jokes about people of different races. There are jokes about men having sex with other men. I would give you specific examples, but after reading your poor review of my material I feel like it would be a waste of time to read my own work because it sounds like shit. I have no doubt you and others were offended by this at times and I really don’t care because anonymous people who only post negative reviews online offend me. Let’s call that part of this even. If I had seen a positive review on your Amazon account I would have taken your words more seriously. Instead I think you are nothing more than a negative nelly. Actually, I think you are a lot more than that, but I don’t want to end this paragraph with a snarky joke about fecal matter, you piece of shit.

We clearly do not have similar senses of humor and that’s okay. I would probably only ever find you funny as you cry for your family to visit you as you rot away on your deathbed, alone. I’m sure your biggest problem with me is that something hit close to home or you felt attacked personally as to who you are. Stop caring so much about yourself. You are anonymous online and will be anonymous in life. I would be lying if I didn’t say your negative review bothered me because it does. I want everyone to like me and really, that is often a downfall. At the same time I know the people who do like me know what a horrible human being I am. They know I make sexist jokes, racist jokes, and homophobic jokes. You seem like someone who would not be fun to hangout with because this is kind of what people do, we make jokes with each other about everything.

Finally, let me point out the obvious. Who buys a book without at least reading a part of it? You would have known within a few paragraphs if this was something you should have purchased or not. Do you blow a guy before knowing his name? That’s not fair. I resorted to a sexual joke. I also don’t know if you are male or female, not that it’s a bad thing if you are a male and blow other males. See, I’m learning to be less homophobic because you called me out, anonymously. Oddly enough I have also sold more books since your review so thanks for making it look more like it wasn’t my friends leaving reviews with your glaring negative one. Please never do return again. People like you are not necessary for my master plan of putting out poorly edited books that shame sluts. Isn’t calling someone a slut shaming them already? That’s all. You will never see this. I also don’t like how you called me a blogger like it was a bad thing. Then you compared it to a KKK Daycare? I’m immature? Who says that someone has to be mature to write a book? Grr you are my least favorite person ever. I’m going to go beat my children now.

Sincerely,

Tim

P.S. Thank you for the dollar!

dollar

P.P.S. I actually only received 35 cents because Amazon earned the other 65. So thank you for the 35 cents.

35cents

The word “an” is a Latin prefix meaning “one.” Anniversaries happen one time a year. We all have only one anus. Anacondas always travel by themselves. And annual events happen once each year.

I won’t waste your time much further. I just simply hate to miss an anniversary of any kind and felt that I should at least acknowledge today that it is the one year anniversary of me self-publishing my first novel, Satan: Little League Superstar. A year has passed and I still hate using the word novel even though the word book sounds a lot more like something with pictures and pop-up monsters, not that I am above making a book like that. So technically I guess this means it has been exactly a year since I made my first dime from writing. The best part is I have made enough money from my writing to live on, if I decided to live in a homeless shelter and only buy cheap drugs. Now that I have discovered writing for Yahoo I have more of an income from writing entering my bank account. It’s not a tremendous amount, but it’s still something and will look great on a resume to people who don’t understand they publish just about anything on there.

To read more on how great self-publishing is, you can read a Yahoo article I recently wrote about it and was paid a very specific $3.72 upfront for writing it.

Top Five Heartbreaking Moments From Self-Publishing

And read the rest or at least click on them.

I started “contributing” things to the Yahoo Contributor’s Network. I am not a fan of the word contribute. It’s a word teachers would use whenever they felt you were not participating. Usually when a kid doesn’t participate it’s because there is a much bigger problem. Then the teachers embarrass the kid by calling him out on his bullshit and the kid goes home and cries. Then his parents meet together at the school to figure out what’s wrong with me. The school blames my parents and my parents blame the school system. A fist fight breaks out between my dad and the principal. My mom yanks a woman’s earring out through the flesh and due to the injury the woman gets an infection. The next two years are spent trying to keep my mom out of jail for “getting caught up in the heat of the moment” which is the sleazy lawyer’s advice. Meanwhile I am in 4th grade now, friendless, and weighing 200 pounds. My dad’s living in Peru and late in the year we find out he has received a sex change operation. After a 16 month sentence, my mom ends up serving a lifetime for her actions while incarcerated. My dad remarries and eventually drowns in his own semen, according to the autopsy report. All of this because I wouldn’t contribute.

But I’m contributing now. Here are the first three things that have been put up there. Whether they interest you or not, it’s helpful if you click on the links because I get paid per visit aka I may be able to make enough to buy a nothing. I’ve already submitted things that fall under the “humor” label so that should be more interesting for you…maybe. So just click on each. It’s helpful.

Three Baseball Teams and What They Should do at the Trade Deadline

Better Than Nirvana

Catchers Are the New Shortstops

If you want to contribute to Yahoo then Google “yahoo voices” and figure it out yourself. You won’t make much money, but if it gets picked up by one of the random Yahoo sites then you can earn a pretty penny. By pretty I mean around $2.

two dollar bill(I’d hit it)