Here are links to places you can find other works of mine.
I think blogging here has jumped the shark for me. Or maybe I’m using that term incorrectly. Yes, I know for a fact I am. Jumping the shark should be used when a hotshot high school student tries literally jumping over a pool of sharks while riding a motorcycle and in no other instances.
What I mean is with this blog I spent so much time promoting in the past that I can never say anything awful about anyone I actually know. This is kind of shitty in a way. Isn’t that the point of blogging? To talk shit in a cowardly way?
Not that I have a billion bad things to say about people. Most people I would talk badly about most likely don’t know this blog exists or wouldn’t bother to read it. I think this is a problem we all have with being mean. People are inherently good, but then we bring out the worst in others to the point they want to say bad things about us on a blog. So really I’m fine if you want to say bad things about me on your blog because I get it. Just don’t expect me to meaninglessly click “Like” on your post.
I actually started anonymously blogging somewhere else on Sunday, speaking in half-truths. I’ll probably do it here too in some cases just to keep it present. A half-truth, at least to me, is when you start to tell the honest truth and it hurts the person it’s about so much that you end up tossing in something so incredibly ridiculous they assume the whole thing was a joke. A classic one is God tells a man to build a boat because a giant flood is coming and then he has to grab two of every animal.
With everything going on in my life (eating lunch and eating dinner) I find myself becoming a more private person. Not so much private where I don’t go outside or interact with people ever. I’m actually much more social than I was a year ago. I have a job where I talk to people every day and on my way there at least one person’s armpit is shoved in my face–half of the time at my request to block the stench from someone else.
I don’t really have a point to this other than I couldn’t figure out anything else to write before going to bed so I figured I’d update here on how I really don’t have much to share, but at the same time I have a lot. I think my problem is finding a balance between what to say on a blog and what to keep private because to truly express myself in some ways would upset people. Never forget, I’m an angry white male in his mid-20s who never really achieved what he wanted in life. Plus my foot hurts and whenever someone’s foot hurts they usually lose control of their words.
One ride I always refused to go on at Disney World was the “It’s A Small Planet Full of Murderers, Rapists, and Telemarketers After-All.” Disney later decided to shorten the name to “It’s A Small World After-All” due to pressure from what Walt Disney called, The Jews.
Even at my young age I found this ride very tacky and lame. I guess you can say I was wise beyond my years, which would also explain memory loss in my mid-20s.
The world indeed is a very small one. Two recent examples happened and I will mention them as a propaganda-like way to promote my other blog.
The first example comes to us from when I mentioned how I was offered the opportunity to create a weekly comedy segment for a radio station I listen to. I sent in my recording and never heard back from the guy. About three weeks have already passed and even with a follow-up email I have heard nothing back. In other words, this guy has chosen to ignore me after sending compliments my way and giving me the offer. While I am grateful for the compliments, I find it a little irritating that I never got a response back even telling me it was shit. From a radio host who brags about being honest, I find his avoidance a little shady. I’ll probably complain about this more in the future when I am fully ready to burn that bridge. He googles himself, which is how he found my blog, so he’ll probably see it.
UPDATE: Here’s the passive aggressive post I made about him. He replied to my email saying he forgot to respond then I never responded back because I am a busy man.
(Sometimes I get so busy I feel like this poor guy who didn’t even have the time to leave his home to work so he has to suffer with peace and quiet from the couch on his home. Poor guy)
The way this is a small world is that after ignoring my emails he later mentioned an article I wrote for Yahoo Sports on his show. Most likely he had no idea it was me who wrote it. He referenced the title verbatim and even said he saw it on Yahoo. The more I think about it the more I hate this guy for teasing me with having a reason to live.
My second example also has to do with this blog in a stranger connection. I woke up early to see I had a new Twitter follower with a familiar name. I immediately checked the picture matched the name. The Twitter follower was a comedian from Philadelphia whom I had met years ago, once. He didn’t know my name and there is no possible way he would have remembered me for any reason so do not jump that conclusion. He just happened to come across my blog via Twitter or other place and he just happened to be someone I had met 6 years ago.
I like weird little small connections like this. I like it when people don’t remember me too. It’s like a fresh start where I have the upperhand. I always pretend to not remember people. If they think they remember me and it’s not me they are thinking of, I go with it. A pretty girl hugged me once because she thought I was a college friend named Chris. My name is not Chris and I had no friends in college. The point of it is, I responded and did not ignore the sweet words sent to me like that fucking radio host. Christ I wish I was powerful enough to start a war with him.
FYI I wrote this back in March which just goes to show you how little attention I have given this blog. My apologies to anyone who still uses WordPress. Does anyone still use this site? I have no clue.
Wow I have not put anything up here all month. I have been super busy–with what I’m not quite sure. I still write a ton for Yahoo Voices and in the last month or so they have been paying pretty decently for me to say things like “Hey, this person was on this TV show, betchya didn’t know that!” The limited time I have had to write has been spent trying to make money and since WordPress offers me nothing except for limited emotional satisfaction my focus has been elsewhere.
There is actually some real effort in this blog post. These are a few obituaries I have written based on different nursery rhymes.
Little Miss Muffet
Little Miss Muffet
Decided to snuff it,
Getting out of her debt she saw no way.
She lit herself on fire with a lighter,
And could not be saved by a firefighter,
The funeral is scheduled for Monday.
Jack Be Nimble
Jack was no longer nimble,
Jack was no longer quick,
Jack’s life was over
When he was diagnosed with ALS and became very sick.
Little Bo Peep
Little Bo Peep passed away in her sleep
Family contacts, nobody knows where to find them.
Leave the body alone, they’ll eventually come home
She had a lot of money in her savings account.
Humpty Dumpty got a phone call
Humpty Dumpty was told he had cancer on his ball.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Will be attending Mr. Dumpty’s funeral next weekend.
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill, the State Prison will kill
For drowning their child in water.
Jack was put down, with a blunt hit to his crown
And Jill was killed soon after.
I have not been updating this blog as much as I had planned this month. One could say I have been as busy as a beaver!
The first week this month I spent reliving Groundhog’s Day over and over again. It was really terrible having to watch that boring Super Bowl so many times. I actually didn’t watch it. This is called taking creative liberty like when people talk about slavery existing. Yeah right! Where’s the evidence?
Then I was not home for a few days because I was staying with my girlfriend Molly.
Then I came home and continued on with a normal life.
On Monday I received terrible news midday. Yahoo Sports where I have been writing terrific articles and making a nice coin while doing so will no longer accept contributions from asses like me beginning February 21st. After only 23 articles I have already gotten more views than I have from this blog. I’ve also been called an idiot a lot more too, I’m sure. I never look at the comments.
Upset by the news I arrived home where I actually received some awesome news. My sports blog Phalse Philly Sports has been discovered by several radio personalities in Philadelphia (okay, two of them) but one has actually mentioned my blog at least twice on his show and how much he loves it. He is also giving me the opportunity to produce a weekly segment for his show, which I will be working on this weekend after writing jokes for it all week long.
I will continue to be a busy beaver into next week as I would like to write as many articles as I can for Yahoo Sports before they discontinue their program. There is supposedly a chance they could return to letting people like me contribute, but there is no guarantee.
That’s what I have been up to. I’d ask you what you have been doing, but I already told you about me and the only reason to ever ask anyone what they are up to or how they are feeling is so they ask you back. I said what I had to. Now be gone!
Today I received confirmation that I absolutely suck. The confirmation came in the form of Internet comments from complete strangers–the people whose opinion matters most to me.
Here are a few of the comments:
“The person who wrote this should have been aborted instead of being allowed to live.”
“Whoever wrote this has a small dick.”
“Really? They let this crap on the Internet? There’s no substance!”
Those were just three comments taken from a place where I received a lot of insults about something I worked hard at for a brief amount of time. They were from my dad, my girlfriend, and Perez Hilton respectively.
Where was this place I was publicly trashed? It was on Yahoo. No not that lousy Yahoo Voices place where everybody can write. This came from an actual Yahoo Sports article I wrote. Last night I finally figured out how to apply to be an official Yahoo Sports beat writer. I put together and article and submitted it. Today while taking a piss I checked my email and saw I had been accepted. I am now officially one of those people who has random people on the Internet comment how I should hang myself.
The article can be found right here in this really long link. I will be writing about my favorite baseball team, the Philadelphia Phillies. I’m always determined to never read comments because they will make me feel like shit. I mostly find it strange that when I try to write something very PC with little controversy I get shit on. This is why people say mean things, other people say mean things to them first.
I will not let someone telling me I’m worse than the Phillies outfield get me down. The guy who said I wrote this with a dick in my hand will not make me cry. I am happy to get some confirmation from Yahoo Sports that I do not suck, even if the public disagrees.
The first day I went to my current job I was sweaty, petrified, and stuttered through the interview. Now I keep deodorant there, am too lazy to go stiff, and my stuttering comes from having a fat tongue.
The second day I showed up I was pulled aside and asked if I would be willing to take on the office duties. One thing my boss asked was how my writing skills were–that she wanted someone with an edgy sense of humor to help give the company a…yeah I have no word. This was too long ago. Basically she was asking me to be able to take care of the business aspect of things as well as take over some creative control, even create creative control. She specifically had an idea to start doing a newsletter and told me to do whatever I wanted with it. The result is linked below. A monthly newspaper written in the same format as The Onion, this was over two month’s work. If you can count, that means I’m in a whole lot of trouble getting out the second edition in time for January. Tomorrow we send it out to the owners and I either get a lot of praise or a resounding “meh.”
As promised to the 0 people who were anticipating the follow-up, here is the list of things I have kicked ass at this past year.
A Cool Job:
I have a 9-5 job and it’s actually cool. I make *enough* money and I’m pretty much the as the Spanish would call it, grande queso. I had no experience going into the job other than not lying on my resume like the other people who applied. Now I get to play with dogs and get yelled at for not posting enough on Facebook. I even am getting to write my own “The Onion” style newspaper for work and asked my boss if I can do video editing, which I will get paid overtime for. So basically when I’m not blogging here it’s because I’m getting paid to do similar things elsewhere. The coolest thing is that I used to get in trouble for doing the same things I get paid to do now. Okay I’m beginning to brag. But really my job is pretty cool and I’m very lucky.
I Haven’t Gotten Too Fat:
I really have no clue what shape I am in compared to last year. I think I’m in less good of shape because we have pizza too much at work. Here I am talking about work like it’s all I do. I do other things too like leave work and go there. I’m in a state where I can either have nice legs and arms with a disgusting excuse for a midsection or look hungry all of the time. That’s just the way my body works. But I haven’t gotten too fat, I know that much. Success!
I Made 2 Friends:
This is going to sad real sad so it makes up for the me bragging earlier. I made 2 friends this year. Not only that, I haven’t made a single friend in the last 5 years. Well, I have. I just didn’t keep any for very long. I think I tend to wear on people or kill them. Who knows? I made a few other friends this year and none lasted. The two friends I did make were via Craigslist and both would be in my Top 8 on MySpace.
I Really Don’t Care About Stupid Things Anymore:
Okay I’m lying. I do care about stupid things a lot. Fortunately I care about them slightly less. Like so what if someone doesn’t find me pretty? It’s their loss! Right? Maybe not. I guess what I should really say here is while I still question a lot I am very sure of myself. I know my opinion matters and is valuable. I know–not much else. That’s all that matters though, that I know one thing.
I Am Making Money Writing:
Aside from coming up with clever and cute things to say on Facebook, I get paid for writing my Yahoo articles. I was even honored as one of the top contributors. Top 500 contributors. I wanted to leave out the 500 because that makes it seem like any jackass can win it. Still, it’s cool to finally earn a few bucks from writing about sometimes things I want to write about.
I’m Generally Happy:
As I type this alone in a dark bedroom with a Band-Aid on my thumb sitting on the bed because I have no couch, icing my knee and ankle due to constant pain, starving myself because I may have gotten too fat, listening to a baby cry outside on a Sunday night before work, it’s hard for me to be too depressed. I mean I really would rather not go to work tomorrow and all. Sleeping in and relaxing tomorrow sounds so much better. I can complain, but I shouldn’t. I have a pretty good idea where I am going in life and it’s not the worst place. I’m not stagnant and sometimes that’s all we can hope for. Awww. That was kind of sweet in an insulting way to anyone reading this in a stagnant place in life.