Diaries & Journals

I think everybody should keep a diary or a journal. It kind of depends on how often you wear women’s underwear on whether or not it qualifies as a diary or a journal. Basically they are the same thing. Diaries tend to have locks on them and discuss girl problems like crushing on the high school football captain and getting pig blood poured on you at prom. Journals deal with more masculine problems like trying to find a place to get pig blood on the cheap to pour on the girl who is crushing on the high school football captain.

Why should you keep a chronicle of your life? There are many reasons and I am going to list them out because people love lists and making lists is lazy writing.

1) You can be famous one day – Anne Frank is the most famous diary keeper of all-time. Unfortunately thanks to those pesky Nazis she never got to bask in the glory. Then again, if it wasn’t for those Nazis then the book would have been pretty boring. Imagine Die Hard without Hans Gruber. It would just be a cop trying to save his marriage. It would have probably been called something more like “Nothing Lasts Forever” which for some reason is the name of the book Die Hard is somewhat based on. I guess it’s a warning that the book does eventually end?

(Anne Frank’s diary. I find it a little too self-deprecating that she calls herself wimpy just because she has to hide from the Nazis. Also, who’s Jeff Kinney? Did I use the wrong picture? lolz)

2) Other people can see how stupid you are – When people know you are stupid they expect less of you. Believe me, no one ever asks for my help. Karl Pilkington is the perfect example. Ricky Gervais convinced him to keep a daily journal which produced some very hilarious results. You do realize that Karl’s job now is to travel around the world with a midget now, right? He’s living the dream.

3) You will have something to look back at – I love being able to look back at old things I had written and completely forgotten about. It’s like someone else did them and I can appreciate my greatness from your point of view. It’s like a photo album where you have to be literate to understand.

4) Your memory will be improved – Scientists spent billions of dollars last year to come to the conclusion that writing things down, whether it’s looked at again or not, improves memory. If you write down your grocery list, but forget it at home, your brain should be capable of remembering many of the items on the list. Fourteen men and a dog died during this study so you should probably make an effort so their lives were not lost for nothing.

5) Your writing will improve – Whether you want to write as a career or just want to improve your vocabulary for ransom notes, having good grammar (or is it well grammar?) is always a good thing (or is it a well thing?). The more you do anything the better you will get. Unless you are Allen Iverson. He don’t need practice.

(Allen Iverson, talkin’ bout practice, not a game)

6) Money can be made – Would you believe that people actual pay money for memoirs about other people? All you need to do is keep a diary or a journal for a year then kill a famous person and everyone will want to read about your life. You’ll be locked up in prison and the money will all go to the victim’s family or a charity so you may not actually get much. How about you become a talented figure skater instead? Everyone loves Kristi Yamaguchi. Her name is too fun to say not to read about her personal thoughts.

(I used to be able to do this when I could figure skate except I was on my back, not my foot)

Convinced? Probably not. A list with 6 items never convinces anyway anything.

Do you keep a diary, journal, or working manifesto?

Better Than Bad 3D Movie Adaptations

Are you sick and tired of bad movies? I am. The only thing that can make a bad movie even better is when it is shot in 3D, right? That always makes up for the fact that the plot sucks, the action is lame, and it barely keeps true to the original story it was based on. Even worse, sometimes that original story wasn’t even that good, but they still make us read it in 11th grade then make us watch the bad 1970s film adaptation that has a 34% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Well, I’m sick of it all.

Not only are there many bad movies and books out there in the world, there is such little time to waste on them. Sure you can read Cliff Notes, but that feels like cheating to me. In high school I rarely would ever read any books that were assigned to us all the way through. Still, I somehow managed to graduate easily and I even got pretty good grades. I think the problem is the books they make us read in high school are incredibly outdated and lack the same kind of action that we can see in films we actually choose to see. What would be wrong with allowing students to choose from a list of books to read? Since nobody ever listens to me and my ideas, I decided to do high school students everywhere a favor. I took a classic book and a classic movie then combined the two. The result, The Gimp Gatsby.

Rather than tell you why you should pick up a FREE copy of this book today or during another time when it will be free, I will tell you more why this is a better investment than some of the other similar options out there, like a terrible glorified unnecessarily made film that you may hear about this weekend. Here are ten reasons why you should choose my book over this film.

1) My book is free. This movie will probably cost you around $12 or however much movies are.

2) My book will probably take longer than 2 hours to complete. You can also read it again whereas the movie you will only be able to watch once for the price you pay.

3) You already know the story in the film. Gay guy visits cousin, cousin is cheating on abusive husband with rich guy, cousin hits husband’s mistress with rich guy’s car, mistress’s husband thinks it was rich guy and kills rich guy, nothing else happens.

4) Only probably like three people will get killed in this 3D film which feels like a waste to me. If I made a 3D movie I would have bodies flying at the audience all the way through. Do you know how many people get killed in my book? A lot!

5) I’ll say thank you if you read it and your readership will actually make a difference. Nobody will thank you for seeing this movie and you’re just a number to them, a number based on money more than as an individual.

6) You will learn more about history from my book than you will this film. There are appearances by historical figures like Fatty Arbuckle, Lou Gehrig, Amelia Earhart, and more! You will also learn how the rabies vaccine was created and why The Titanic sunk.

7) Unlike the movie you can see this weekend, the gangsters in my book behave like real gangsters. They say “motherfucker” and they poop.

8) In a way, this saves you a lot of time. Not only do I cover a “Great American Novel” and pretty much summarize all of the important points you would ever need to know about it, I also cover everything you need to know about several of my favorite movies, most notably ones with a sexual submissive gimps in pawnshop basements.

9) Are you too pop-culture slow to not realize this is basically a combination of The Great Gatsby and Pulp Fiction? I really hope someone didn’t just say “Ohhhh!”

10) The 3D movie you can choose to see this weekend may make you want to go back to the 1920s. I’ll do you one better. I’ll make you glad you live in 2013. Time machines don’t exist yet. Any movie that’s best feature is that it makes you wish you lived in another era is not doing its job. This movie glorifies an era that was not very glamorous for many people. Don’t let the Moulin Rouge imagery fool you into wasting your time.

I did a post way back in September called Big Helpers where I needed places to visit in Los Angeles and 1920s things to try including. If anything I think this gives you a good estimation on how many months I went without touching this thing until I finally felt motivated to finish it.

This will probably be the last book I will bother you with for some time. It’s only free for today so pick up a copy. It’ll be free again other days, but I want to try spreading them out as I’m still trying to figure out this whole “becoming a popular author” thing. Is it too late to get Mark David Chapman to carry around a copy and shoot someone?

Fictional Pulps

…Because I enjoy pretending like I’m a big deal, here is a promotional video I made. Make sure you have the sound up to fully get the badassery you are about to experience.

 

Set during the roaring 1920s, The Gimp Gatsby explores the world of bootlegging, jazz music, and badass Kung Fu Samurai sword fights while shedding some light on the sometimes forgotten fetish of dressing up as a gimp.

“Ugly” Nick Crandall has been invited over to his estranged cousin Daisy and her husband gangster Tommy Scarpelli’s home for dinner. It’s at this dinner he meets a mob boss’s wife, Mia Baker. Tommy tells ugly Nick that Mia’s husband, the most notorious gangster in all of New York Marcellus “Carface” Wilson, needs someone to take her out for the evening while Carface is out of town. Ugly Nick quickly falls for the mob wife as she is like no other woman he has ever met before, she can actually read.
Soon after, Ugly Nick has his first encounter with his longtime neighbor, Reginald Gatsby. To many Gatsby is seen as nothing more than an eccentric millionaire who throws wild parties and sleeps with all of the women he can. Everything is not as it seems though, as Ugly Nick soon discovers Gatsby has plenty of secrets and a cuckoo clock filled with guns.

Full of violence, gangsters, armies of trained assassins, and other things commonly associated with the 1920s, this pulp fiction tells the tale of one idiot trying to navigate his way through a love triangle between his cousin, her husband, and his millionaire neighbor all the while trying to impress Mia who wants nothing to do with him.

Not for the faint of heart, easily offended, or lame; The Gimp Gatsby tells a false history of ridiculousness while weaving in satire and pop culture references to modern society.

 

 

Basically, if you don’t understand the basic foundation of this book then you need to watch more movies and read more classic American novels that I thought were incredibly boring and needed more sword fights and humor.

“Nobody’s gonna hurt anybody. We’re gonna be like three little Calvin Coolidges here. And what’s Calvin Coolidge like? Come on Bonnie, what’s Calvin Coolidge like?”

“Cool?”

“What?”

“He’s cool.”

“Correctamundo. And that what we’re gonna be. We’re gonna be cool like Coolidge.”

- closing scene from a diner

 

Your Stories & Questions

I am in need of some simple help. I am contributing to a new website, a website so new it doesn’t even exist quite yet. Part of the site is submission based/audience participation/whatever you want to call it. The woman in charge is putting a lot of effort into it, like actually buying the domain, so I have a lot of faith that it will at least be worthwhile in some form. So I come to you guys for help on this. What we need are submissions for the following:

Title – Dating
What We’re Looking For – Your craziest dating experience

This is pretty self-explanatory and I know we all have some great ones.

Title – Double Dare
What We’re Looking For – We want you to double dare us to do anything – something you’d like to see!

Does this one not make sense to you? This one is pretty clear as well. Why did I feel like I needed to explain?

Title – StoryTime

What We’re Looking For – We are collecting stories about a time you were overly confident about something that didn’t go exactly as planned

For instance, how we all created our blogs thinking we would be rich and famous by now and none of us are. We want better than that though.

Title – Love & Sex

What We’re Looking For – Go ahead – ask us ANYTHING – but ONLY if you are ready for brutally honest answers

This is kind of like the Dr. Ruth section. Remember when I did that post Pathetic Text Messages? Something like the question the fat idiot in that asked would be acceptable or maybe you can be smarter.

Title – Eavesdropping

What We’re Looking For – We want to hear about crazy or fascinating things you’ve overheard on the streets, in a restaurant, etc.

This is pretty easy, no? Who isn’t hearing people say stupid shit all the time? Come on I know you have some good ones!

Title – Deep Thoughts

What We’re Looking For – Go ahead – blow our minds… in a few sentences or less.

I guess an amazing fact would work here? I’m not sure. Answering this question would blow my mind.

So if you can help out you can either answer in the comments or send me an email if it’s long or more private at timboyle109@yahoo.com or Facebook me if we gossip there sometimes.

There are no limits to what you answer, how much you answer, and you can put as many into one category as you want. If the site is successful I will definitely come up with some ideas where if you are interested that you can contribute your own written pieces to.

That’s all. Thanks and hopefully a few people can contribute before I have to solicit you.

Sunny Days & Modern Families

I haven’t bothered you with any crappy spec scripts I’ve written in a while, mostly because I still had hope I could do something with them. Unfortunately I am what feels like a decade behind on any television show and everything I had written was out of date. For the sake of not wanting any of these to go to waste, here are three spec scripts. One is from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and two are from Modern Family. As I said, they are pretty outdated so ignore any of those aspects if you happen to read through them. You can check out other things I have written here: Spec Scripts

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – Mac and Charlie Find a Time Machine

While Dennis and Dee argue of the legitimacy of Dennis’s pants being made for males, Mac and Charlie enter the bar dressed in knight’s armor insisting they have found a time machine. They haven’t so don’t think this is some wacky metaphysical adventures. This takes place in a more realistic universe than the title may suggest. I probably wrote this 2 years ago. Chris where has the time gone?

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia-Mac and Charlie Find a Time Machine

Modern Family – Party Planning (aka I am terrible at naming things for Modern Family because they have no clever formula)

Claire is suspicious that Haley might be having too much sex (I think, I haven’t read over what I wrote in a really long time). Phil takes care of a coworker’s dog and is mistaken as a racist by the black mailman. Jay contemplates on getting hair transplant surgery. Mitchell and Cameron fight over whose collection gets to go up on their hutch, Mitchell’s wrestling action figures or Cameron’s pig paraphernalia.

Modern Family-Party Planning by Tim Boyle

Modern Family – Unwanted Guests (aka see above)

Manny’s cousin who he looks up to comes to visit and it makes Jay feel inadequate. Claire has trouble getting a locksmith to leave her home. Phil is mistaken for an escaped convict who looks exactly like him. Haley falls for a grifter. Mitchell and Cameron dress up as soldiers to get a military discount at a hardware store.

Modern Family-Unwanted Guests by Tim Boyle

So that’s it. Read what you want. I’m sure you’ll be terribly confused if you aren’t familiar enough with the characters.

 

(Barkley the Dog Butler, the best character from Modern Family)

Bookworms

Attention all bookworms. Today is the final day I can give away my book Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy Performances and Experiences for free on Amazon. It will no longer be “Amazon Exclusive” after next week which means I can no longer have the option of making it free whenever I want. It will then be available on other formats where strangers can look at it then ask for refunds.

By now you will either get a copy or not. All I ask in return if you get a free copy is to leave a review when you get the chance. These are very helpful and indeed have helped me to sell copies to complete strangers. It’s also available in paperback which you could give two shits about so I won’t waste your time.

Instead here are 10 fun facts about this book and other related things.

1) I wrote the entire thing while standing up. Okay, so maybe I sat for a little bit of it, but a good majority of my writing was taking place while standing up. It still does. I read a Yahoo article that said sitting is bad so I try to do it less. My life has improved drastically since. I’m kidding. It still blows.

2) This book is made up of a few short stories, all of which are true and involve me getting stared at blankly. If you enjoy reading about other people’s pain then this is for you.

3) I wrote the whole thing in maybe 3 weeks. It’s about 26,000 words which averages out to a number of words per day I do not feel like calculating.

4) There were two stories I was going to add to this, but decided against because they didn’t quite fit or were too short. One was about a show I did where only two audience members showed up after seeing an advertisement about it on a Christian website. The one girl was really cute and smiled at me a lot before the show. Then the show started and she couldn’t wait to leave. She hated us all. The other one involves me almost starting fights with an Asian in the audience and a black man. Only the Asian had anything to do with race. I probably deserved to be roundhouse kicked to death by him.

5) I did indeed have a lot of really good shows. If you really are curious about the best night I ever had doing stand-up I could send you the story. I didn’t include it here because it’s for something else I have written where it would fit more. Plus this book is about failure. I had a girl from Germany, Tennessee, and two from Canada that night come after me with their legs open. What happened to me? I was so cool for that one 6 hour period.

6) I have no clue who one of the people who left a review is which makes me happy and I almost hope they never come forward.

7) Whenever I give away this book for free, it averages about 40 copies in the U.S. “purchased.” Of course it’s not a real purchase since my bank account stays as dry as the Sahara. Sahara of course being what I call–yeah I’ll stop here. It was going to be an old woman vagina joke.

8) The most famous person I ever performed on a show with was Jim Gaffigan. I didn’t see him perform. I heard he’s an asshole from 95% of the people who have met him.

9) One thing not included in the book was when I stole an audience member’s beer and drank from it. It was a cute little moment that was perfectly timed. he one-upped me when he stole my water and drank from it when I had my back turned. It was a perfect little cute moment, none of which are in this book.

10) I don’t burn bridges at all in this book which I am proud of. I don’t really have an animosity against anyone I met so I didn’t feel the need to. However, my next two books “autobiographical” books I am working on are all about burning bridges. For the sake of some brief hype, here are a few people I plan to shit on in future works from Tim Boyle. Think the description fits you? You should have been better.

-My first girlfriend

-The first girl to break my heart

-My first crush

-The homeless girl I went on a date with

-Two different pedophiles I encountered in my life

-The original drummer from Phish

-The Indian kid I sat with at lunch in 11th grade

-Every bully I ever had

-The girl who wanted me to have sex with her then kill her after

-The lesbians who tricked me into buying them drinks

-A girl with a giant empty cage in her bedroom for some reason

-A friend who tricked another friend into getting squirt with a hose so they could play ping pong shirtless

-The last man to touch my testicles

-The only person I have ever threatened to physically harm

-A stranger who tickled me in a Cracker Barrel

-And many more!

But before those are available there is more work to be done. There is still Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy Performances and Experiences to be enjoyed multiple times.

Garbage Bloggers

I remember writing up a piece a while ago that I never posted because it seemed like I was too nutty. I have since posted many insane things on this blog and no longer worry about what you think of me. That’s actually not true. I care a lot. Do you love me? Please tell me you love me. I want to be loved.

In this piece, and it is a piece because it is a work of art, I will list out what makes someone a garbage blogger. Actually, to be fair they’re more garbage human beings who happen to blog. I don’t want to put down anything someone writes about because that’s their choice. To be what I will now refer to as a Garbage Blogger you have to do a few things you wouldn’t normally do in life. Here they are. Hopefully you don’t do too many.

1) Liking every post you see on WordPress

Nobody could possibly have as much time to read these blog posts as some people click the Like button on blogs. That sentence was poorly written yet some asshole will still click Like on this post without calling me out on poorly written sentences. Do you know why? Because they didn’t read shit. Stop trying to promote your own blog through your avatar. Your face has a creepy mole on it and your smile sucks.

(Please never post pictures online if you have a mole. I always think my computer screen needs to be cleaned)

2) Making it too obvious you didn’t read and pretending you read every word

It’s fine to scan through a blog post. If it was any good it would be in the Smithsonian right? I think most of us have those days where we want the gist of things then leaving a courteous comment. That’s fine. A garbage blogger is someone who continually says something generic. Their strategy with this is to hope other people see their stupid comment then other stupid bloggers click over to their place then click the Follow button. I know this is why they do it because I did it once. I immediately gave myself 100 lashes with a whip because I hated myself so much.

(He’s wasting his flexibility. Teach yoga dude)

3) Being generally creepy

Please do not use blogs to pick up women. That is, unless they continually bother you by commenting on your blog and saying flirtatious things back. The only reason I do anything is because I hope to one day impregnate as many women as possible. This is called being a man. I can get away with it though because I understand who I should and can say dirty nasty things to. I also use a real picture of myself and I’m a real person with personality, not some anonymous idiot. Stop being creepy to women online. It lowers my chances at gorilla masking them.

(Not exactly what I meant, but you can never find a good gorilla masking picture when you need one)

4) Rebloggers

The few times people have reblogged something I wrote it was awesome and flattering. About half the time it was people who genuinely enjoyed the post and wanted to share it with others. The other half it was some random foreign person whose entire blog was reblogs. What’s the point in this? It’s not some super kind Pay it Forward gesture. It’s stalking and thievery. Please don’t steal my stuff. I barely worked on it and you taking it will make people think I’m legitimate. I cannot handle the pressure.

(He’s not trying to create kindness, he’s trying to build the world’s largest human centipede. We missed the point of the film!)

5) Non-repliers

I despise when I leave someone a comment on their blog and they do not respond back. Seriously, these people are terrorists. I would rather save a member of Al-Qaeda from a burning building than someone who doesn’t reply to my comments. Then again, if Al-Qaeda members are in a burning building they probably are the ones who lit it on fire. Is it too hard to reply to a comment on a blog? Christopher Reeve could have replied to a blog comment with some weird blinking device it’s so easy. Please always reply. You’re garbage if you don’t. Unless the person commenting is garbage. Then you’re a trashman.

Is there anything I missed? I know there must be. Five is a really short list. Imagine if Schindler’s list was this short. The Nazis would have probably not even noticed he was helping them escape to freedom or whatever happens in the movie. I don’t remember it much. My favorite scene is still the one with the fat secretary.

Freebies

“The best things in life are free.” – A rich person trying to fool someone without money into not following through with a revolution

Some of the best things in life are indeed free. Like today for instance. If you missed out the first time it as available for free on Amazon, for today only you can pick up a copy of Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy Performances and Experiences. This is a short book I wrote about exactly what the title suggests. Blah blah blah most of you already know. I’m only writing this up for a Filipino person. They’re so far behind on the times it’s embarrassing.

If you already got it once I guess you could always get it again because then I will temporarily be a “Hot Seller” until things die down. Or you don’t have to. I guess I’ll also tell you about something else. Last month I put together a collection of some of my best blog posts. It ended up being over 60,000 words which is pretty gosh darn long. I put these blog posts together with the main purpose being to see if I could reach a new audience. I think it worked for a few people, but there’s one problem. Amazon is a pain about putting up things for free so if you would be so kind as to help me out with the following steps I would be willing to send you a sexy photo of me.

1) Go here

2) Click on the “Tell us about a lower price” button where the giant error is pointing at

3) Click on “Website”

4) Paste in any of the following URLs as well as the price as $0 or any other information that comes up:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/how-to-write-an-awesome-blog-tim-boyle/1114770628

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/290005

http://www.kobobooks.com/ebook/How-to-Write-Awesome-Blog/book-BU5G02u0d0Sel26AsDJP8Q/page1.html?s=ZmTcR2sYGEWw8VBJ-1M4ZA&r=3

5) Then submit

Apparently this is the easiest way to make something permanently free, get enough people to complain they have found a free copy elsewhere. I don’t want to charge people for information they can find elsewhere. Plus on the time it’s been on Amazon not a single person has bought it so why charge some money anyway? If they were flying off the virtual shelves believe me, I would screw people over. It would also be helpful if you purchased the book from any of the free links under Step 4 then left a review. You don’t have to actually read the book considering you can find everything in it on my blog. Or if you want you can. It could be a quick way to catch up if you’re obsessed with me and new. Most of you have already read what’s in the book, although I rewrote everything a little bit and edited in some sarcastically helpful hints for anyone to create their own awesome blog, but I don’t expect anyone here to spend time on it. Did this make sense? I’m starting to think this was endless rambling.

 

(I was popular for a little bit)

Manners

Over on the Kidz Showz blog today we had someone leave a nasty comment. They had seen something I posted on Craigslist about the offer to write for us and I guess their expectations were much higher. The gross thing they said in All Caps is what they said. The very long thing beneath that they will not appreciate me putting together is what I said back.

DISRESPECTED CUSTOMER

WHO THE FUCK DO YALL THINK YALL ARE?? YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE A PRIVILEGE TO SEND IDEAS TO YOU! BUT YOU SO DAMN TALENTED. WTF DO YOU HAVE POSTS ON CRAIGLIST FOR IS YOU ALL HAVE SUCH GREAT IDEAS.? RUDE ASS MUTHA FUCKAS! IF YOU ALL WERE SO GREAT YOU WOULD HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR SOME OF THESE GREAT IDEAS. COCKY ASS MUTHAFUCKAS! FUCK THIS WEBSITE AND FUCK YALL CHEAP IGNORANT FUCKERS. I WAS ACTUALLY INTERESTED UNTIL I WAS DISGUSTED BY THAT BULLSHIT YOU CALL INFO AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE. VERY RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL TOWARDS FANS OF THE SHOW LIKE ME.

Dear “Disrespected Customer”

What is it I am selling you that makes you a customer? Customers must first buy something. Everything on this site is free. Please try to remember that because it’s important later on for this whole “pay me!” thing you’re talking about.

Answering your first question would require me to answer for everyone associated with this website. Y’all is a contraction for “you all” which I’m sure you already know because you seem like a highly intelligent person. I can only speak for myself. Who do I think I am? I’m not sure. I question this a lot. My name is Tim Boyle though. I don’t think that’s exactly what you wanted now is it?

In a way it is a privilege to send ideas to us. Everything in life is either a privilege or a right. Driving a car is a privilege, not a right. You have to earn that kind of thing by proving you can follow directions and such. Another common right is the right to remain silent, one I wish you had decided to use.

Thank you for calling me so damn talented. I think you meant this sarcastically, but it translated poorly as much of what you do in life does.

Why do I have posts on Craigslist? Because I have discovered some really talented, generous, and hilarious writers there looking to expand their horizons and write for a new audience unfamiliar with what they have to offer. It’s really tough to build up an audience for anything in life and even if one person becomes a fan then I feel it’s worth it. Plus, I like the idea of community and people helping each other out, especially creatives. You probably have never had many people in your life who enjoy the idea of helping one another. I don’t blame you. I don’t know who to blame. I don’t even know your name let alone who it was that made you such an angry man or woman. I really hope you are a man because your writing style is incredibly unattractive. I would hate to find out the fairer sex has someone like you masquerading as a woman.

It’s spelled motherfucker. See, I’m starting to grow impatient with how poorly written your complaint is. I also think rude ass may have a hyphen between the two words. I’m not sure. I try to be courteous to people, even when they are rude ass/rude-ass motherfuckers.

If we were great we would have the money to pay for ideas? No. If we were good business people we would have the money to pay for these ideas. Great people do things on their own and don’t pay others to do it for them. What is it with you and money? The Craigslist ad clearly stated this was a No Pay Gig. Do you read books and stop before the end? Do you read?

Your calling me a, and I’m paraphrasing here because I like proper grammar, “cocky ass motherfucker” means two things. The first is that you didn’t look around the site much. We’re very cocky at times, it’s sort of a tradition around here. Clearly your sense of humor would not fit in with us. The second thing it tells me is you have poor self-esteem. Cheer up buttercup, life ain’t so bad. Put a little love out into the world and it will come back.

How is it that we are cheap because we do not pay people to write for us? We pay nothing to have this site up. We make $0 off of it. Where is the money coming from? I honestly feel bad for you. Between reruns of Maury and whatever other garbage you spend your days watching, you’re on Craigslist getting pissed off at a blog because we won’t give you money. I appreciate the fact you think this blog is so great that we are making money off of it. Truth is it’s almost impossible to make an income from a blog. You would know that if you ever tried doing it on your own. Unfortunately you strike me as a person who takes and never gives.

You’re breaking my heart saying you were very interested and have since changed my mind. You seem so talented, funny, and positive. I would compare your writing skills to a donkey taking a shit on a rug. There’s no real punchline there, but you get the idea. Do you know what disgusts me? People like you. People who are cowards and cannot say who they really are, especially when they have a problem. You’re just some anonymous asshole whose opinion means nothing to me. I’m sure you have many fine qualities, but you didn’t let them shine in your comment. And in no place did we call this info at the top of the page. They’re broken down into different categories. If you want to be technical you’re the one calling it info. I prefer to use the word information because it’s more intelligent and correct, but hey, we can’t all be cocky ass motherfuckers like me, can we?

I’m not sure what was so rude and disrespectful. This is a blog that I run with a friend of mine. We can put up whatever we want and as long as we don’t violate any terms we are allowed to continue. I’m sorry your hopes got up that you had found the “perfect” job for you, even though you clearly would not have been a good fit here or probably anywhere in society. If I could pay people to write for us I would in a heartbeat because it’s so hard to become a paid writer. Have you ever gotten paid to write anything? I honestly hope not because if the answer is yes I might break my own fingers off. Furthermore, which show are you specifically talking about? You act as if we are a television program with some leverage in the industry. I wish we did, but you’re sounding foolish.

I hope you come to terms with whatever is really bugging you make lots of money writing nasty messages to people. I’m going to be posting about you on my other blog over at http://mooselicker.wordpress.com because I think you deserve some attention that men or women have failed to properly give you. Life is hard, don’t make it harder on yourself or anyone else.

I would suggest to you that you create your own blog if you think we’re such cheap ass motherfuckers and see how easy it is to make money at. And you do realize we never said you could not write for us? We allow everyone who can put together a good piece to write for us. If you are still interested in writing for us and it will be for free because we do this for fun because we love writing and meeting other people with talent who can make us laugh, send me an email at timboyle109@yahoo.com with the subject “I have no manners.” And please spell everything correctly because I’m a little OCD about little things like that, especially when you’re apply to write something.

I hope the next time you apply for a job or look for a place to write you are much more polite. There’s a reason why nobody likes you. Surprise motherfucker, it’s not them, it’s you.

People are better off not knowing you,

Tim

P.S. Why are you shouting? The Caps Lock key is located on the far left of your keyboard. It’s next to the “A” key. Fix this.

P.P.S. I may delete both our comments in the next few days, but I want to give you a chance to read what I said. I don’t like having this glaring negativity sitting here. Just a heads up so you don’t go thinking I’m avoiding you.

I will report on any more battles that take place.

7 Questions & Answers

A blogger who has declined credit for this idea and for interviewing me asked me to do a quick interview with her. Of course I did it. What else was I going to do? You should read it here.

Here’s Mooselicker

Completely unrelated, but yesterday I woke up an hour earlier than I set my alarm for. I went online via my phone to see if I had any important emails or any love confessions. When I went to WordPress on my phone it said that my account had either been deactivated or suspended. I immediately jumped up. How could this happen to me? After almost 2 years I had never had a problem. I started thinking about all of these “Save Mooselicker” fantasies where the WordPress community all posts about how much they miss me. One of you takes it too far and flips over a cop car and kills a guy. I ended up going onto my computer and realized there was nothing suspended or deactivated. My phone was just trying to tell me setting my alarm for 10AM is entirely too late.

Thinking my blog could possibly be gone made me realize something important. It’s not that I’m too reliant on technology. My epiphany was that the Western World would probably collapse if not for me. It’s a remarkable undertaking and responsibility. The magic in this blog compares to none. So go back up to the top and read the interview I did. I love you all. Except you. You’re kind of weird.