Posted: April 28, 2011 in April 2011

A lot of foods and beverages are way off on their calorie counts. Sometimes I don’t understand why this is. Other times I completely understand why this is. I’m going to talk about the latter of the two.

Two things I am addicted to are diet soda (0 calories) and gum (usually 5 calories). If I could sit around drinking soda and chewing gum all day I would. Sometimes I begin to chew gum, get thirsty, and without taking the gum out of my mouth I down some soda. Sometimes I will be drinking soda and forget that I still have it there, pop a piece of gum into my mouth, and then drink some soda. This doesn’t taste good or bad and unlike with Pop Rocks, there is no risk.

I have decided to make a more accurate calorie count for some of the lesser caloric items that exist.

Diet Soda-

They Say: 0 calories

I Say:  negative 34 calories

My Logic: I drink soda by the can. I do this because cans, like my spirit, are harder to crush than a bottle. Carrying the can alone is negative 11 calories. That leaves another mystery 23 calories. You subtract 8 calories for opening the can, using those pointer finger muscles, and subtract the other 15 from the time it takes to drink it, using those ever so needed throat muscles.


They Say: 5 calories

I Say: negative 2 calories for every chew

My Logic: Chewing gum is great exercise. It improves mouth endurance and builds a strong jaw. If you chew gum frequently not only will you burn many calories, you will also be able to take a punch better when someone socks you in the face for your constant moving of the mouth.


They Say: 0 calories

I Say: 100 calories

My Logic: When a person drinks water they say to themselves “I did good job, me deserve treat.” They then proceed to grab a 100 calorie pack of one of their favorite treats. Only fat people eat one hundred calorie packs. Think about it.


They Say: 10 calories

I Say: negative 1 calorie

My Logic: I don’t eat carrots. In fact I hate them. Orange skin belongs on prom girl skin, not my food. The minus one calorie comes from me walking past the carrots at the grocery store and making a disgusted face.


They Say: Approximately 200 calories (per serving)

I Say: Approximately 1,000 calories (per serving)

My Logic: If I eat one tiny bit of candy I then assume that I should eat all bits of candy. And then order a pizza. And then feel too sick to exercise. This would be more except that I factored in that after eating all of the candy you will sob to yourself alone which burns 430 calories per hour.

  1. The Hobbler says:

    I eat candy all the time. I have to be like 3,000lbs right? Do you like fat stalkers?

  2. Who says you this blog can’t be educational?

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