Solutions

Posted: May 7, 2011 in May 2011

There is a perfect way to solve all of the problems in the world. It may take a while, but it should work. What I am proposing is that every year we put all of our money into one thing. From January 1st until December 31st, all money will be put toward obtaining one goal. I will explain further after the jump.

Next year I would like for us to put all of our money into cancer research. Nobody likes cancer. Even Hitler killed people with it to prevent its spread. It was the 1940s. Everything was thought to be contagious back then. Imagine, no more Santa Clauses on the street begging for change to help some homeless people. We can get to that in 2034 after we fix the hole in the ozone layer. Every bake sale will go toward the fight against cancer. Little league teams may suffer and cheerleaders may have to go without tampons or whatever it is that they collect money for, but it is a sacrifice we all need to make.

I am mailing this to every congressman I can. None of the congresswomen. I’m not sexist or anything. I just know when you want the job done right you can always count on an old white curmudgeon over someone with a vagina and an agenda. To ensure that my letter gets read I will seal it in a large colorful envelope with “Urgent” written in red block letters. I may even throw some skulls and crossbones on it to be sure that it is noticed. Whether by congressman or bomb squad lackey, I will be heard.

I should note that if by the end of the year the problem is not solved than it is never meant to be. Not every disease has a cure. Most actually don’t. Even flu shots give you the flu. I would like to also add for those of you whom like disease, there will always be more of them. Whenever aliens visit they will carry now carcinogens that will make us vomit urine and cause our finger nails to grow baby teeth.

Disease does have a place in our world. It keeps doctors in business. Nobody wants a doctor to go out of business. Just like those very same doctors, it’s un-American to want to see a doctor put up an “Out of Business” sign in his window. So get sick, scrape your knees, and catch something that itches from a stranger. You won’t live forever, but you can be sick for a lifetime.

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