Veggie Patties

Posted: May 7, 2011 in May 2011

If you’ve ever been into a Subway restaurant (or eatery as the Albanians call it) and there was an Indian person in front of you (and not just behind the counter) you will most likely have heard them order a veggie patty. Sometimes it’s a veggie delight, which I might add, does not sound delightful. It’s like any other sandwich, but without the meat. It still costs $5. So basically you’re eating a carrot on bread. Appetizing.

This isn’t about vegetarians or how most of them are fat anyway. Why bother? This is about the small hash brown shaped clusters of dog food that seem to be so popular.

My research on veggie patties began by stealing a computer from a retail store that sold such products. After legal fees, some time spent in prison, and a couple hundred hours of community service, I could begin. I was sorely disappointed to find out that a veggie patty is nothing more than a veggie burger in square form. This angered me immensely. I was trying to find out some dirty little secret about those disgusting pieces of fake meat and they turned out to be nothing more than a disgusting piece of fake meat. I best can compare this to seeing a girl in a bar, knowing it’s a transsexual and taking her home anyway, and then being upset when a cock flops into your face. I really shouldn’t get so excited over things anymore.

Since veggie patties are just veggie burgers maybe I have to say something about them. Or I could go back and delete most of what has been written, but that would entail stealing a keyboard that has a backspace key that works. Mine doesn’t. So I will stick with veggie patties. For a sandwich to be known as a patty is an honor. To be named Patty usually is a dishonor. It means your parents are waiting for you to be 63 to fit in. Chicken patties are far and above the best sort of patty. Chicken itself rules. If I had to rank animals on deliciousness chicken would be number one. Number two would be cows. Of course, we never call any meat that comes from a cow simply as “cow” as we will with chicken. I wish I lived on an island with chickens and cows. I would eat milk and eggs for breakfast, a nice plate of milk and chicken for lunch, and a burger with cow urine for dinner. I figure by that time I will be tired of drinking milk all day. Why not mix it up?

Vegetables should stay away from patty form. They should remain in their odd vegetable shapes. Once you start forming and shaping them into something new you’re enraging God. If he wanted broccoli to be square he would have made it that way. But that shape is reserved for blocks of cheese and Wheaties, the foods of Satan.

Comments
  1. The Hobbler says:

    “I best can compare this to seeing a girl in a bar, knowing it’s a transsexual and taking her home anyway, and then being upset when a cock flops into your face. I really shouldn’t get so excited over things anymore.” how many times has that happened?

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