It’s a phenomenon that cannot be explained by scientists, Bible scholars, or homeless men wreaking of my urine. We all see them. We all fear them. I’m talking about obese twins. Popularized by that picture of the two fat guys on tiny motorcycles, obese twins have been a mainstay in American pop culture.
To be obese, medical doctors say you must have a BMI over 30 and jiggle for more than 60 seconds when prodded with a rod. Living in America, I see a lot of obese people. Sometimes I’m not even sure they’re people. Sometimes I think they’re apartment buildings or meteorites milliseconds away from crashing into the planet. I shit my pants near obese people sometimes because of this. Luckily they’re obese and I can blame the smell on them.
Another thing I see a lot are twins. I’ve encountered too many twins. This is why abortion should be more accepted. We don’t need two of everyone running around. That’s outnumbering us not born in a litter. Have you ever noticed how many negative connotations the word litter has? It’s something that people do when they can’t find a garbage can. They toss bags of chips out their car windows. That’s bad. Then there’s what cats go to the bathroom in. Sometimes you’ll find a chip bag in there. Then there’s litter in the litter. Sometimes numerous cats are in that sand box. There there’s litter in the litter near the litter of cats.
You would think that if two twins were obese that one would get their act together and stop eating. It never happens. I believe this is some sort of a mutual pact that obese twins make. They take a Twinkie on their 13th birthday and split it in half. Above that Twinkie they swear an oath, to always stay the same weight as each other to the best of their ability. It makes sense. Twins are always doing spells. They’re the ones that magicians always burn in cauldrons for potions. Maybe those aren’t magicians I’m thinking of. It’s whatever the people that cook humans for spells.
We’ve all thought about what it would be like to be a twin at some point. Some of us may have even eaten our twin in the womb. It happens. I think I read somewhere it happened to Elvis. He had a dead baby skeleton in him. All that hip shaking was just him trying to get an infant skull to fall out of his butt. If I had a twin I would probably make sure we were the same weight. I wouldn’t want to be known as the fat twin and I would feel bad if my sibling was known as the fat one.
But none of this is about fat twins. It’s about obese twins. An obese twin always has a mirror looking back at them. At some point they should turn to each other and say “How about we split this dessert.” It takes me hours to realize I have a booger on my shirt. Obese twins have the advantage of always being able to look over and see themselves and the mess they have become. Stop eating. Half of you is plenty.