Internet Users

Posted: May 13, 2011 in May 2011

There are a lot of different reasons to use the Internet. There’s porn, education, porn, information, porn, games, and porn. I’m not really sure what the order of reasons why people use the Internet is. I’ve been trying to find it for a while. I’m curious. The only thing I could find was a blog by a woman. We all know how reliable women can be. There is where I roll my eyes.

I compiled what I think is the most common reasons used.

1) Porn

2) Networking

3) Information for pleasure

4) Entertainment

5) Money making

6) Information for education

7) Purchasing items

8) Help/Troubleshooting

9) Illegal activities

10) Work

This list was put together in a very scientific fashion. I went with the old theory of “first come, first serve.” It works for McDonalds. To test out my theory I will now go to and see what the top 10 searches are. I will undoubtedly prove to you that they match up.

1) Rachel McAdams

Who hasn’t jacked it to the Mean Girls alumn? We have all had fantasies of having a threesome with her and Amy Adams, purely for the fact that both have similar last names.

2) Lady Gaga

If I could meet anyone it would be Lady Gaga. She’s made a career out of having a big nose and wearing meat. I would love to get her advice on how I too can trick the entire gay population into liking me. Maybe I need more shirts with rainbows and less with upside down triangles with a big X through it.

3) Angry Birds

Not assuming that this is connected with the above, anybody who looks up information on Angry Birds is definitely doing it for their own knowledge and growth. Possibly also for protection.

4) Hayden Panettiere

When I think of entertainment I think of the cheerleader from Heroes. She tumbles and she falls and never gets hurt. That’s my knowledge of her. But boy is that entertainment.

5) Jenny Craig

Fat people are the easiest to profit off of. They’re vulnerable and are looking for something to spend their money on so they have a reason not to buy anymore donuts. Makes sense.

6) Mos Def

It’s finals time and seniors are all writing their thesis. Why not think outside the box and write about rapper Mos Def? It’ll show that you’re diverse and don’t plan on getting a very good grade.

7) Leonardo DiCaprio

I own a lot of autographed items. One thing I don’t own is anything signed by Leonardo DiCaprio. I would love to find an two piece living room set signed by him.

8) Futures

None of us know what tomorrow will bring. Well, some of us do. At least someone has to be a time traveler. And when those time machines stop working, they go to the Internet for help on how to start them up again.

9) Obama grandmother

You can never trust a black person. It’s also difficult to trust an old person. Obama’s grandmother is up to something. Whorehouse, money laundery, kiddie porn ring? I’m not accussing. I just don’t want to rule anything out. We’re always letting our grandmothers get away with illegal things like not paying taxes and running red lights. If anything, this is the most accurate one so far.

10) Michaele Salahi song

It’s casual Friday and you’re at work. The office is feeling down after losing the big account. Cheer them up with Michaele Salahi songs. You’ll be sure to get a promotion. Unless he sucks. I’m not really sure. It’s too much work for me to find out who he is. That assures that this fits.

  1. The Hobbler says:

    This might ruin the whole stalking thing, but you are actually a pretty good writer. So, in theory, I might read you even if I wasn’t stalking you, but I’ve already kind of committed…

  2. The Hobbler says:

    I was just sucking up. It actually sucks. (Not really).

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