Locations

Posted: May 15, 2011 in May 2011

I live in the most boring place in the Universe. I’m convinced.

I live on planet earth. I know this doesn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone reading this as the Internet connection on Neptune is quite poor. Earth is the worst named planet of them all. The other planets are named after ancient Gods. I don’t know where earth gets its name from. Probably from the holiday Earth Day. Earth is the only planet that you don’t capitalize in the middle of the sentence. I think so at least. I remember one of my teachers correcting me on that and hitting me with a globe.

On earth I live on the continent North America. A continent so lame that it has to have “north” thrown into it. The continent I live on has, what, three countries? I’m not sure what continents some countries fall into. Greenland and Iceland are in the middle of nowhere. Greenland is also very icy and Iceland is very green. Someone fucked up at the country naming bureau. The name America comes from an old man named Amerigo Vespucci. I went to school with a fat girl with the last name Vespucci. She was the size of America. I always find this ironic. Especially when she would fall asleep in class and we would draw to scale maps on her body.

In North America I live in the worst named country in the world, The United States of America. Maybe it’s not the worst named country. But you have to admit, that is a terrible name. The fact that our country average a civil war every 250 years shows that we are not united. It scares me that we’re due for another civil war. I don’t want South Dakota invading Iowa. Actually that wouldn’t bother me. I’m not a big fan of corn or dream catchers. Countries like Germany, Ireland, Taiwan, and Uzbekistan have such unique interesting names that might mean something. The United States of America means exactly what it says. It really isn’t much different than how China calls itself The People’s Republic of China. Usually when countries have more than one word in its name they’re bullshitting someone. I think we’re bullshitting ourselves.

In the United States of America I live in New Jersey. A state so bad that it couldn’t have an original name. We had to take it from England. The assholes that settled here had no imagination. Jukilfrog isn’t a word. Why not name it that? I never got why you would name something a newer version. Unless you have a kid that dies. If you have a kid named Rhonda and it dies, name the next kid New Rhonda. Chances are, if you named your kid Rhonda that it died because of suicide. It’s a lousy name. R’s and H’s should never touch each other. They’re like cats and dogs. Ballerinas and astronauts. Complete opposites that should stay away from each other. New Jersey gets a lot of shit from all over and it’s not as bad of a place as everyone thinks. The name sucks a lot. But we’ve got beaches. So you Missouri fucks better shut up. You only have a dopey river to dip your toes into. We’ve got an entire ocean. We can dispose of a body much easier. No wonder you’re all cannibals.

In New Jersey I live in Camden County. A county named after one of the most dangerous cities in the country. I don’t know why it shares the named with the city. There are a lot of nice places in the county. Maybe it’s to fool people into thinking the entire county is one giant aquarium. All of the Philadelphia athletes live in the county too. It can’t be that bad. This whole county is filled with aquariums and linebackers. You can’t walk down a street without seeing a blowfish or an angry black man. Maybe they’re not linebackers. They could be though.

I won’t get any more specific to where I live because I don’t like visitors. I enjoy my privacy.

Comments
  1. AgrippingLife says:

    I really liked this post! I enjoy riding on your train of thought. I never know where it’s gonna take me and you never disappoint! You’ve got me thinking about the name, EARTH? Where does it come from? Weird. I’m too lazy to look it up. I’d rather just be left to wonder…haha!

    BTW, I use to vacation in Bayhead. I Love the Jersey Shore. Good memories.

  2. AgrippingLife says:

    I also like that I’m the only comment on here. It’s like my own private island.

    • mooselicker says:

      Yep, this was when I didn’t realize that you have to put tags and comment on other blogs to get anyone to read yours. This was also one of my favorites too. It’s so natural and nobody can ever claim it to be theirs. Thanks for checking it out!

  3. The Hobbler says:

    Look at you being all nice… It would be easier to stalk you if you had given your address, but since I will probably actually never go to New Jersey anyway (for fear of running into a few linebackers) I guess I’ll let it slide.

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