Lohan Tits

I sat down last night to watch the film Machete. Now before you punch your computer screen because you hate movie reviews, stop and think for a moment. Computers are expensive. Don’t waste a good punch on one of them.

This isn’t a movie review either. This is just a few things that I noticed about the movie. If you didn’t see the movie it’s okay. You’re probably happier than I am.

First off, never make a movie based off of a 3 minute joke trailer in another movie. If you don’t know, the idea for Machete came from one of the fake previews during the Box Office Bust Grindhouse. Everyone was so hyped up from the preview that they decided to make it into an actual movie some years later. Luckily for them, the lead character Danny Trejo already looks dreadful and you could never tell if he aged or not. Good casting.

Two more things I noticed about the movie. One was that Michelle Rodriguez is losing all of her roles to Mila Kunis. They look a lot alike. Michelle Rodriguez just has a bigger mustache. I’m not sure what nationality Mila Kunis is. Both of her names are obscure. It’s probably Italian or some other kind African.

A third thing that bothered me is that you get to see Lindsay Lohan’s tits. That didn’t bother me so much as my reaction to it did. I was surprised. I’m not even sure why. If I could pick an actresses tits to be surprised about it wouldn’t be hers. She’d be near the bottom of the list. I’m not even quite sure if they were hers either. You never actually see her face and the tits. The one time she is naked and you see her face her stupid hair covers them. If this movie didn’t suck so much then this would be right up there with the Kennedy Assassination and the conspiracy that a movie about a stuttering Nazi sympathizer was the best to come out last year.

Then again, when it goes up against pieces of shit like Machete, maybe it was the best.