I make a lot of bets with my dog. He currently owes me every bone in the world. I told him that he wouldn’t take a poop outside. He didn’t. Now he owes me.
This morning I got in an argument with him that I am better than him in at least 20 aspects. He argued that he was better than me in at least 20 aspects. We wrestled briefly and I bit at his nose. After we caught our breath he made me a list of things that are better about his life than mine.
-Can eat food off the floor without first checking for hairs
-Can walk with palms on the ground and feet on the ground without putting my ass in the air
-Children touch my head more
-I can urinate and have a bowl movement at a person’s feet
-Whenever needing to sign a card I just need to make a paw print
-Don’t use toilet paper
-Have more foreskin
-Has eaten an uncooked dead animal
-Never has to worry about his weight
-Every kind of girl thinks that he is adorable even if he does have skin tags on his stomach and a public erection
-Has never needed to purchase a linter roller
-All of my meals made for me and served in a dish
-Gets to wear a collar outside the S&M Club
(please note he stopped to take a nap at this time)
-Takes lots of naps
-Not eligible for jury duty
-And finally, only responsibility is to sit when told to do so
As you can see, my dog only managed to come up with a list of 19! That loser. Suck it you prick. I win. Learn to count you dumb dog. I’m going to smack you the next time I see you.