Religious Brackets

Posted: August 24, 2011 in August 2011
Tags: , ,

Most religions are stupid. We can all agree on that. In fact when you think about it, you should really think every religion is stupid except for your own. If you don’t think this way you should go to hell. That’s fact. Being a Muslim and thinking that maybe Mormonism has its perks really is denying a part of where you stand on religion. Don’t do it. Follow your religion 100% or don’t follow it at all.

People love brackets. Usually only in the month of March. It’s that time of year where they make brackets of which group of black teenagers will beat another group of black teenagers. People put money on these games of chance. Spend hours crunching numbers and trying to find a loophole while their dogs go unfed and their children’s clothes go unwashed. It’s sports in America.

I’ve created a bracket of different religions and placed them each in a seed. This of course, based from the perspective of a white guy living in the United States of America. I might be biased for that fact so if you’re reading this on the Estonian Internet you may disagree with me. If you are reading this on the Estonian Internet you probably have a rock instead of a mouse and your version of a laptop is a desktop placed on your lap. Estonia outlawed tables in the 1950s. Something to do with being too “Western.”

I didn’t bother to make an actual bracket for this as the formatting probably wouldn’t work. Make one for yourself. Steal the crayons if you have to. Keep in mind that these are completely random as I have no basis on how to properly seed each of these.

Round 1:

1. Born-Agains vs. Catholics

2. Muslims vs. Buddhists

3. Episcopalians vs. Wiccans

4. Mormons vs. Hebrews

5. People Who Worship The Sun vs. Atheists

6. Quakers vs. Protestants

7. Amish vs. Orthodox Jews

8. Lutherans vs. Voodoo

Results:

1. Catholics beat Born-Agains, why? Catholics have a lot of bad shit with them. Their priests molest children, their nuns hit children with rulers, and their leader wears a silly hat. Still, they are much better than Born-Agains who think taking a bath in a lake can change a child molestor, an abusive old lesbian, and only ever wear bathing caps.

2. Muslims beat Buddhists, why? Buddhism is all about suffering yet they never hurt anyone. What kind of bull is this? Quit complaining and do something. Your leader is name after an animal that spits on people at zoos. I know Muslims aren’t that great either, but I don’t see them lasting through the next round and I’ll save my bashing for then.

3. Episcopalians beat Wiccans, why? Both of these groups allow just about anyone into them. The difference, Wiccans are mostly fat bisexual teenage girls. I’m sorry, that doesn’t make you a religion. That makes you a My Chemical Romance concert.

4. Hebrews beat Mormons, why? It’s a simple matter of territory. The Hebrews are all over the place. They have great positions of power and yet they still want one tiny little part of an outer bank. They die for that territory. Then there are the Mormons. Their holy land is in Utah, where the Jazz play. It’s hard to take a religion seriously when there are billboards of a man nicknamed “The Mailman” all over. I know the whole 5 wives thing is cool, but have you ever seen a hot Mormon?

5. People Who Worship The Sun beat Atheists, why? Atheists don’t have anything to worship, acknowledge, or claim their own. It’s really rather sad when you think about it. People Who Worship The Sun have an entire gigantic ball of fire. If we did this Rock, Paper, Scissor style then giant ball of fire beats nothing. It consumes it whole. Enjoy your victory you savages.

6. Protestants beat Quakers, why? Richard Nixon was a Quaker. More importantly than that, the price of oatmeal has dramatically risen by $1.50 in the last 6 months. What the fuck? Even if Protestants are always picketing and calling others scabs they have to win this.

7. Amish beat Orthodox Jews, why? This is basically a battle of Flea markets versus dry cleaners. I don’t know about you, but I can clean my own damn clothes.

8. Voodoo beats Lutherans, why? I don’t know much about Lutherans to be honest with you. When I was younger, a Lutheran told me that all Protestants did was kiss hands of men. He lied to me and called me fat. And Voodoo has the whole doll and pin prick thing. Pretty cool.

Round 2:

1. Catholics vs. Muslims

2. Episcopalians vs. Hebrews

3. People Who Worship The Sun vs. Protestants

4. Amish vs. Voodoo

Results:

1. Muslims beat Catholics, why? You’ve never heard of someone getting beaten at Muslim school. Do they even go to school? I know they wear things on their heads. What happens when it rains? Are they waterproof? The fact that the Muslims were able to defend against multiple Crusades shows you how tough those sons of bitches really are. They beat King Arthur! He had Excalibur. The sword. Not the car. And Merlin. The wizard. Not the cleaning product.

2. Hebrews beat Episcopalians, why? It basically comes down to lettering. Hebrew can even be shortened to simply Jew. Yes, it’s okay to call someone a Jew. It’s just how you say the word that matters, I’m told. Episcopalian doesn’t even make sense. It reminds me too much of Sara Palin taking a piss. I’m sorry to say, but Hebrews make the Final Four.

3. People Who Worship The Sun beat Protestants, why? Protestants have a negative attitude. The whole religion was based off of being an angry union member, something like that. I’m not even sure if I’ve ever met a real Protestant. I’ve met People Who Worship The Sun. I’m sure you have too. Anybody who has gone tanning more than once a week falls into that category. Are you one of them? Probably not. Those people tend to not read.

4. Amish beat Voodoo, why? You can sell a Voodoo doll at an Amish market but you can’t make a Voodoo doll of an Amish market. I guess you actually could. That’d be a bad gift to get a kid. And that’s exactly why that was the result of this match up.

Round 3:

1. Muslims vs. Hebrews

2. People Who Worship The Sun vs. Amish

Results:

1. Hebrews beat Muslims, why? This is really the final battle to end all battles. These two hate each other more than anything. I’d make an original simile here, but they’ve all been taken. As annoying as Hebrews can be, they don’t really do anything that awful. They usually get picked on and bullied. Muslims are always blowing up people and never busy drawing their own prophet. They can’t draw a picture of their own God! What are their Ramadan specials on television like? Is it just a white picture with a voiceover? It’s probably similar to that old snowman cartoon that’s just music and that redheaded kid dancing with the snowman except more explosions in public places.

2. Amish beat People Who Worship The Sun, why? People Who Worship The Sun have nothing to offer humankind. They spend all day bowing to the sun, amazed at how bright it is. They do help the economy in the sunglasses department, but other than that they’re pretty useless. Amish have that thing that I know how to pronounce and not spell where they let their kids go off and do drugs for a while and let them decide if they still want to be Amish. No other religion allows that openness. It’s kind of refreshing unlike most of their food they make.

Round 4: The Final Round!

1. Hebrews vs. Amish

Results:

1. Tie. Yeah, I’m making this is a draw. They’re the same exact thing. It’s bullshit. All of it. Both of them wear funny hats, they have long beards, and they yell at you if you try to bargain them down. It’s the same crap, different name. Really, all religion is that way. We’re all wrong. Why would God come down and influence one part of the world and not another? Does he not like Japanese people? Are the Swedish more important to the ultimate meaning in life?

My message with this is simple. Brackets can be fun no matter what time of year it is.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s