Modern Bands

Posted: September 2, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , ,

I feel bad for children born in this century. They will probably never live through an era of great music. Who is to blame for this? Really, it’s all of us. The fact that we continue to allow awful bands to make money drives more and more to be mass produced in factories. What happened? Am I just too hip? Didn’t music used to be somewhat good?

To be a band now you need a few specific things. That’s it. You don’t need talent, charisma, or a brilliant way to show off your junk in an original way, you just need to be like everyone else.

1) A guy with an afro

All new bands have a guy with an afro. There’s nothing wrong with afros. In fact, I am much for people with hair that looks like it’s a scoop of chocolate ice cream. It’s soothing on a hot summer day. I’m not sure when afros became trendy on white guys, but they are. It’s like they’re saying “Hey I want to be black just like all the other white boys, but I don’t look good with my underwear hanging out.”

2) Suspenders

They’re not for Larry King or men with big stomachs and small asses anymore. I think skinheads wear suspenders a lot too. Larry King is bald. Is he a skinhead? He’s certainly not a douche in a band. Suspenders were invented in the 1840s by an alliance of French clowns for a means of keeping their larger than normal pants up. They are not here to supplement the shoulders of an ill-muscled teenage boy singing about homework.

3) A picture of you all having fun

Once you see a band it ruins everything you think about them. I’ve never once saw a picture of a band and thought to myself “Hey, those cats look cool.” To be fair, I’ve never had that thought for anything. I’ve never seen a group of cool enough cats live in person. In my head I have the image, but have yet to encounter it. My imagination beats reality every time. Usually bands take pictures of them doing fun activities like climbing up rocks or riding dirt bikes. It’s annoying. There is no reason for this. How about you stick with a picture of you all standing holding your instruments or be like the Gorillaz and be cartoons. I don’t need to see the drummer from Alkaline Trio boogie boarding.

4) A nasally singer

At some point in history, every singer decided that they wanted to sound exactly like the guy from Green Day. They thought it would be cool to sound stuffy and whiny. That’s not singing. You sound like women with colds yelling at a pharmacist about your prescription being late.

5) Tattoos

I used to think that having a tattoo made you a tough man. Now it tends to mean you have an alcohol problem. They’re really nothing more than permanent merit badges, for the skin. You don’t need a tattoo to prove how artist you are. Instead you should write a song that people actually remember. I’m talking to you dude from Smashmouth!

6) Beards

This topic includes both the facial kind and the wife to prove that you are not gay kind. Lets face it, most guys in bands are pretty gay. They’re build like women, tend to have long hair, and dance with their hips. Having a hairy face also doesn’t hide the fact that you could be a homosexual. If anything it keeps the scent of man stuck in your mustache.

7) Nerd glasses

Lisa Loeb, Rivers Cuomo, members of other bands who I don’t give a shit about; they all wear nerd glasses. For some reason I always associate these glasses mostly with actor and Scientologist, Jason Lee. He only ever wore them in his forgettable classic Dreamcatcher which is about Donnie Wahlberg being retarded. I guess these glasses fit into the hipster notion that they don’t care what everyone else thinks about them. So what if I have 4-eyes? I’m in a band.

  1. Illuminati says:


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