With school starting, I thought I would do a favor for my younger readers and give some instructions on how to look cool in high school for your first day. I didn’t have the fortune of having someone like me when I was younger and I don’t want others to suffer the humiliation that I had to endure of not wearing a book bag properly.
There are a few simple rules that someone must follow in order to properly wear a book bag or “back pack” as a hiker might call it. I like to call it a book bag because back pack rhymes it I tend to break out in song if I start to rhyme.
Rule 1) One Strap
It is essential that to properly come off as one of the cool kids who knows the score to wear your book bag with one strap on. This is true for several reasons. The first being that it gives one arm free letting people know that you’re ready to fight. It’ll scare off larger homosexual bullies which high schools tend to be filled with. A second reason is that with the one strap system, the book bag does not fully touch the back. For those who call it a “back pack” they see this as an act of rebellion. The back pack is not being supported by your back, you’re breaking the rules. Nothing is cooler than breaking the rules, especially when you’re in high school. A third reason to follow this program is you can easily execute “the swing.” The swing of course being, you have the ability to swing the book bag around your one shoulder and have it land in front of you. This can be used to get out supplies quickly or as a body shield. It all depends on what part of the country you’re attending school at.
Rule 2) Don’t Put Books In It
This may seem silly to some, I call those people nerds who will never be cool. There’s no reason to use your book bag as a bag for books. That’s what arms are for. Now what exactly should be in a book bag? Well for one, weapons. Nothing impresses the popular girl more than pulling out a butterfly knife and showing your skills and being able to flick that baby around. Knives aren’t so big so you should have plenty of room for many, maybe even a gun if you can get your hands on one. When you load up your book bag with books, you give off the image of a nerd which is the opposite of what I’m trying to teach you. Your book bag becomes a giant square and that’s all you are, a giant square.
Rule 3) Make It Look Fancy
There are a lot of different items you can attach to your book bag. Ironed on images of Pokemon, ironed on images of military groups you never belonged to, and ironed images of classic movie slogans. If you’re a little more daring, you can skip the iron-on images and go for a pin. For girls, if you’re one of them girls who actually carries a book bag which, you shouldn’t, anything with flair works. Glitter that bad boy up. Make it look like the sun. Your whole goal with decorating your book bag is for it to look like anything but a book bag. Slap a bumper sticker on it. Whatever your little mind can think of, do it.
Rule 4) Lots Of Zippers
When purchasing your book bag, pick one with lots of zippers. Even if the zippers don’t lead anywhere, don’t worry. Most people will be so intimidated by how cool you look that they won’t get close enough to notice. Zippers equal cool. Don’t get those new book bags they sell with the button tops. You’re wearing a book bag, not a polo shirt. Also, completely skip on the rolling book bags. Those were invented for stewardesses and unless you plan on giving your teacher a hot towel and a bathroom lap dance, this is not the book bag for you.
Rule 5) Don’t Hang It On Your Chair
Hanging a book bag on the back of your chair is just asking for a tough bully to give you a pounding. Your desk is not an extension of your own body. When you need to place your book bag somewhere, the floor is your best bet. You can put it under your legs, or in the preferred cool position, in the emergency aisle. Putting your book bag in the exit lane shows people that you are not afraid of danger. It also makes the rest of the class aware that you have control over their lives if in fact the do comes where the science wing catches fire. Kids love it when their lives hang in the balance. That’s why drugs are so popular.
Rule 6) Never Clean It Out
If there’s one thing that all cool kids are, it’s messy. You should never clean out your book bag. This gives the opportunity for at the end of the moment where you can clean out your book bag and show everyone all of the homework you never did. It’s simple, chicks-dig-slackers! If you want the hot girls to have proof that you didn’t bother trying all year and still managed to move up a grade, this is your perfect example. You get to whip out all of your old tests with F’s marked in red ink on the top. This is scientifically proven, when women see the letter F they think of the word fornication. When women think of the word fornication, they want to do fornication. That’s when you come in. They’ll look at you, the kid who knows how to treat a book bag and she’ll know that you are the one she wants to fornicate with. And maybe you’ll make a baby and be able to keep the baby in the book bag. Because you’re cool like that. You break for no one.