True Blood Cliches

Posted: September 6, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , ,

If you’re like me, you’re sick of the television show True Blood. Sure, it had potential and started off interesting, but somewhere along the line it got stale.

I haven’t seen any of Season 4 and don’t really care to. I already know what’s going to happen. The episodes are all going to end on a cliffhanger. Will the vampire bartender kill Sookie? Will the werewolf kill Sookie? Will something surprising happen? The answer to all of those, no.

Someone reading this has never seen True Blood. I guarantee that. For those people, none of this will make much sense. I probably should have said that at the beginning, but why would you have clicked on this link if you hadn’t had some interest? True Blood is nothing more than a hardnosed Twilight whose last its charm. See, I can write reviewer quotes too.

Now for your entertainment, I have written a scene that will sum up everything you need to know about True Blood. Enjoy!

INT. MERLOTTES – NIGHT

The bar is full of the usual cast of characters. TARA tends the bar, SOOKIE takes orders.

TARA

Damn I hates workin! Why’s everything bad gotta happen to me. 

SOOKIE

Stop it I hear voices! 

TARA

Damn woman what the fuck you sayin to me? We gonna fight again? 

SOOKIE

I’m sorry Tara. I’ll make it up to you. 

LAFEYETTE walks over.

LAFEYETTE

Hey hookers, do you think I look fabulous? 

SOOKIE

Of course Lafeyette, and that’s not just because I’m a bleeding heart liberal hero in a town full of conservative bigots. How can people not like me! 

SAM walks over. He examines his workers who don’t seem to be working.

SAM

Damn it guys! The business is hurting. We’re closing up! 

JESSICA joins them. Her fangs come out for no reason at all.

JESSICA

It’s so hard to be a vampire! 

The door swings open exposing the night air. BILL enters with ERIC.

BILL

Sooooookie, I need you to come with me. 

ERIC

Oh Bill, won’t you ever get over her? 

Bill’s fangs pop out. So do Eric’s.

BILL

Why must you talk in such a sneaky voice? You’ve been alive 1,000 years. Haven’t you learned that you don’t sound trustworthy? 

Sookie runs over to Bill.

SOOKIE

I’m mad at you Bill Compton. 

BILL

Again? 

SOOKIE

Yes. 

BILL

Still? 

SOOKIE

No, not anymore. 

TARA

Damn white people always fightin! I call them white people because I’m black! 

JASON enters the bar. He’s wearing a muscle shirt.

JASON

I found a new girlfriend. This time she’s even trashier than the last but lets pretend she’s worth dying over despite her lack of beauty and personality. 

NEW GIRLFRIEND enters. She’s very trashy looking and everyone knows that he could do better and has in previous seasons.

NEW GIRLFRIEND

Hey ya’ll, I’m Jason‘s New Girlfriend. 

New Girlfriend grabs a menu and it burns up.

JASON

Whoa what just happened? 

NEW GIRLFRIEND

I’ll wait and tell you in a few weeks after it’s already obvious, but whenever I touch menus they flame up. I’m a menu flamer upper. 

JASON

Whoa I accept you, but not until after I have a personal revelation. 

SOOKIE

I accept you immediately. 

The rest of the town walks up.

THE TOWN

We’re afraid of things we don’t understand.

BILL

I’m a vampire that fought for the south in the Civil War yet I have very liberal values.

A group of NINJA MUMMIES dive into the bar wielding various weapons, mostly pitchforks. They go after Sookie. Will the main character survive? Yes.

THE END

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