If you’re like me, you’re sick of the television show True Blood. Sure, it had potential and started off interesting, but somewhere along the line it got stale.
I haven’t seen any of Season 4 and don’t really care to. I already know what’s going to happen. The episodes are all going to end on a cliffhanger. Will the vampire bartender kill Sookie? Will the werewolf kill Sookie? Will something surprising happen? The answer to all of those, no.
Someone reading this has never seen True Blood. I guarantee that. For those people, none of this will make much sense. I probably should have said that at the beginning, but why would you have clicked on this link if you hadn’t had some interest? True Blood is nothing more than a hardnosed Twilight whose last its charm. See, I can write reviewer quotes too.
Now for your entertainment, I have written a scene that will sum up everything you need to know about True Blood. Enjoy!
INT. MERLOTTES – NIGHT
The bar is full of the usual cast of characters. TARA tends the bar, SOOKIE takes orders.
Damn I hates workin! Why’s everything bad gotta happen to me.
Stop it I hear voices!
Damn woman what the fuck you sayin to me? We gonna fight again?
I’m sorry Tara. I’ll make it up to you.
LAFEYETTE walks over.
Hey hookers, do you think I look fabulous?
Of course Lafeyette, and that’s not just because I’m a bleeding heart liberal hero in a town full of conservative bigots. How can people not like me!
SAM walks over. He examines his workers who don’t seem to be working.
Damn it guys! The business is hurting. We’re closing up!
JESSICA joins them. Her fangs come out for no reason at all.
It’s so hard to be a vampire!
The door swings open exposing the night air. BILL enters with ERIC.
Sooooookie, I need you to come with me.
Oh Bill, won’t you ever get over her?
Bill’s fangs pop out. So do Eric’s.
Why must you talk in such a sneaky voice? You’ve been alive 1,000 years. Haven’t you learned that you don’t sound trustworthy?
Sookie runs over to Bill.
I’m mad at you Bill Compton.
No, not anymore.
Damn white people always fightin! I call them white people because I’m black!
JASON enters the bar. He’s wearing a muscle shirt.
I found a new girlfriend. This time she’s even trashier than the last but lets pretend she’s worth dying over despite her lack of beauty and personality.
NEW GIRLFRIEND enters. She’s very trashy looking and everyone knows that he could do better and has in previous seasons.
Hey ya’ll, I’m Jason‘s New Girlfriend.
New Girlfriend grabs a menu and it burns up.
Whoa what just happened?
I’ll wait and tell you in a few weeks after it’s already obvious, but whenever I touch menus they flame up. I’m a menu flamer upper.
Whoa I accept you, but not until after I have a personal revelation.
I accept you immediately.
The rest of the town walks up.
We’re afraid of things we don’t understand.
I’m a vampire that fought for the south in the Civil War yet I have very liberal values.
A group of NINJA MUMMIES dive into the bar wielding various weapons, mostly pitchforks. They go after Sookie. Will the main character survive? Yes.