Posted: September 7, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , ,

When you think of steroids, you probably think of me. As big, burly, and muscular as I might be, I am not on steroids. I don’t think I could ever take steroids. I don’t mind shots. It’s more that I’d have to do them into my ass which bothers me most. I have a tiny butt and jabbing a needle into it could be a problem.

Steroids are illegal and for good reason. They can lead to teenager committing suicide. They can make someone a better athlete. They can give you pimples on your back. But wait. Don’t teenagers already kill themselves left and right? And since when is being less athletic a bad thing? I’ve known the puniest of people with back pimples. Geez, I think they might be making a lot of this steroid stuff up or at least exaggerating it a tad.

I’m no scientist nor do I desire to be. I’m not tall enough for a lab coat to look good on me and white is not my color. I tend to spill water a lot and that causes white linen to become see-through. Merely here I am making an observation that steroids aren’t as evil as people may think they are. Lets examine the side effects.

If a woman decides to take steroids, her voice will deepen and not in a hot cigarette smoker way. You know, the Tara Reid voice where they sound like they’ve been screaming all night. Is this really that terrible? Most women who take steroids want to be manly anyway. This helps them fool others easier. I’ve heard that women can even grow a penis if they take steroids enough which sounds like poppycock. There are enough men that can barely grow a penis so I doubt a woman can grow one next to her vagina.

Most people who take steroids usually die of heart attacks. They get so big that their hearts can’t support the weight or something like that. Like I’ve already said, I’m not a scientist and I hate doing research. It makes me feel like I’m back in school having to look up facts or be respectful to my elders. Take all I say with a grain of salt, maybe two. The strange thing about people who take steroids who die of heart attacks is that the rest of their lifestyle usually isn’t very healthy. They eat red meat by the barrel full (Costco sell barrels of red meat now) and after they get to a certain age, I doubt they exercise as much as they should. Look at any professional wrestler that dies. They usually die fat and out of shape. I have a feeling that most of this has to do less with steroid use and more with using cocaine and smacking your head into a chair for years. I’m not saying steroids can’t be a big part of the a problem, but if they were taking out people while they were in their athletic prime then the home run record in baseball would be 8.

The biggest association with steroids is that old term “Roid Rage.” This is completely true and I cannot argue against the fact that people on steroids are pricks. But lets answer some questions first. Who usually takes steroids? Jocks! Who usually are the biggest assholes? Jocks! Coining the term “Roid Rage” gives these assholes an excuse to act like themselves, assholes. The Steroids make them more confident which makes them cockier and more like the apes they really are. Jocks have always had bad tempers and been nasty people. Ty Cobb killed a man and that was about a 100 years ago, before steroids. John McEnroe probably was never on them and he was a douche bag. Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens were always assholes. Look back at any game they played earlier in their career and you can see how smug they were. But they were athletes so they took steroids and got cockier and had an excuse to be an asshole. Steroids doesn’t make people rage, being a snobby millionaire jock does.

The only real side effect that happens is the shrinkage of the genitals. I don’t know why exactly this happens, as I said, I’m too lazy to look it up. It’s kind nice in a way though. No matter how many home runs they hit, no matter how many quarterbacks they sack, those big gigantic meatheads who can bench press a barn probably can’t even make their wives happy. But they have money and that’s all that matters. You shallow women.

  1. malf922 says:

    I used to be obsessed with the steroid era in baseball. I read at least 3 books that focused on the topic. Now, I could give a shit. Sure, Bonds is an asshole, but he’s only hurting himself. Smoking is still legal (although it’s getting less legal, and more expensive) and it hurts surrounding people. Roid rage does exist, according to doctors and former users, but if you’re a pro athlete, you have an over inflated ego already 9 out of 10 times. It really comes down to the “legacy” of records, and cheating. Steroids aren’t the only thing that has changed sports over the years though. People are evolving, and athletic training has gotten better by leaps and bounds. The old timers need to get over it, and let evolution run it’s course. That’s just my .02 though.

    Thanks for the link, I’m doing the same!

  2. Yannick Noah and Wayne Gretzky are two top athletes I can think of right away who are definitely not assholes, but then again they’re both on their fifties and neither one of is American…

    • mooselicker says:

      I think it’s almost more of an “American” sports kind of a thing. Baseball, football, and basketball players seem to have the biggest attitude problems. I’m not saying all of them are, but quite a few and I actually know this from meeting them compared to hockey players, who are usually gentlemen.

      Still it may not just be an American thing. That’s just all I know. I’m open to the idea that professional curlers are real pricks.

  3. Stuck in a tree says:

    The first sentance to this post is awesome.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s