El Chupacabras

Posted: September 8, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , ,

They go by many names. Two actually. El Chupacabras or The Mexican Goat Eaters. A mythical beast that is said to roam the south and be able to shape shift. Nobody has ever caught one of these. Sometimes they think they find dead ones but it always ends up being a hungry cat or an ugly kid.

If I could ask El Chupacabra one question and he could communicate with me, I would ask why goats? You’re a shape shifting beast that can eat whatever you want and you choose goats? Goats can’t possibly taste good. They eat cans and always have shit hanging off of their asses.

Unless there are some kind of El Chupacabra standards of living, like they have to watch their weight or can’t afford new clothing if they do put on weight, they should be eating better foods. It’s not even that goats are the easiest animal to kill. Cows are much easier and there’s more meat on them. This can’t be it though. El Chupacabras can shift their shape. They can make themselves look like a skinny man if they want. Why watch the diet then? El Chupacabras stink.

I would do things much more different if I happened to be a shape shifter. I would eat like a pig. Candy, cookies, pastries, cakes, fried food, everything I fear. I’m a shape shifter which means none of that matters. I only now eat out of boredom and it will be impossible to put on weight. That would be awesome. I hope someone finds every El Chupacabra and kills them all. I don’t even want an examination of these things. They’re too stupid to deserve a proper burial. We should kick them all to death and make them into hats for the wealthy then sell the meat to schools.

El Chupacabras, if any of you are reading this, I’m calling your shitty choice in food out. Prove to me that goat meat rules and I will take it back. Until then you’re on my shit list of monsters right between the Chimaera and Michelle Bachman.

  1. malf922 says:

    I’ve often wondered the same thing about El Chupacabra. If I could eat anything, I would go after endangered species. I could just imagine how great it would be to eat bald eagle wings, panda steak, with a sea turtle soup appetizer. Also, if you replace “El Chupacabra” with “Jew”, your post becomes one of the subplots to the movie “Borat”.

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