When the Apocalypse does come next year on December 21 at exactly 12:21 PM Mountain Time like Jesus said, things are going to get hairy. Many of us will die terrible deaths. We’ll be consumed by tsunamis, fall through the cracks in the earth, and one of us will be crushed by that car that hangs out of Planet Hollywood restaurants. Then there are some of us that will survive. Those of us who are prepared. We’ll have food, guns, joke books, and other imperative items that ensure survival. I hope I’m one of those people.
Finally there are those of us who have no clue that the Apocalypse is coming and yet will still survivor. They are stoners. I believe that stoners will be the last earthly beings, as long as they continue to be able to grow their pot supply and they don’t accidentally break their copies of “Grandma’s Boy” or “Dazed and Confused.”
The Apocalypse is set to happen on a Friday. Stoners all over the place will “light it up” as the cool kids say, and wait out the end of the world in their apartments/mom’s basements. What gives them the biggest advantage in a post-life world is that they have been preparing for this time their entire working 12 hours a week lives.
Storms and volcanic ash will blot out the sun making it dark at all times. Stoners usually don’t wake up until around 4 in the afternoon anyway. In the winter, that’s an hour of sunlight that they see, tops. They don’t need sunlight to survive like the rest of us. They’re like super heroes, but lazier and with no real power. Maybe they’re more like Popeye but instead of spinach it’s marijuana.
Something else that we’ll all have to worry about during the Apocalypse is food. Another thing that stoners seem to be able to survive without. At least, that is, real food. Forever stoners have been training their bodies to survive on non-perishable, man-made snacks. Twinkies have the urban legend surrounding them that they never go bad. I read in a Yahoo article that they do go bad after about 2 years, but when has a stoner ever eaten food that wasn’t expired? As long as the food supplied to the stoner doesn’t involve any hand-eye-coordination in opening, stoners will eat like kings. Three year old picky eating kings!
The biggest advantage all stoners have is getting out of a sticky situation when they’re in trouble. In the new world, stoners will be yelled at by tribal chiefs in mud skirts that used to be executives of major corporations. For years stoners have been manning up by being yelled at by their parents. They’re built to survive brute force to the body and mind. What stoner hasn’t crashed a car and survived? You find me one and I tell you the shit he’s smoking isn’t any good. Don’t let their thin arms and lack of shoulders fool you, stoners are tough sons of bitches who know how to get out of any trouble that comes their way. Unless they’re grounded again. Then they’ll probably need a ride somewhere.
If I’m wrong about all of this and stoners are the first to die, then it doesn’t matter. They won’t care anyway. The rest of us could learn a lesson from them and be more apathetic about life. It may help us live longer.