Posted: September 10, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , ,

My home state of New Jersey recently passed a law against bullying. I had written the following before that law had been passed. Further proof that the Illuminati are spying on me and taking ideas out of my head. This is almost as bad as that one time I had “Blackhole Sun” stuck in my head and then it came on the radio.

One of my first memories of school is my kindergarten teacher saying that I was a great kid because I was big enough to be a bully, but chose not to be. Years later, I’m only about 5 inches taller and 20 pounds lighter. Maybe that’s a big of an exaggeration. My point is, somewhere along the lines I stopped growing. I went from being in the back row of class pictures in elementary school to staring up at girls that I thought were pretty. I was often mistaken for a chubby foot stool.

As an adult now, I see bullies much different than I used to. They were to be feared. They were those tough kids that weren’t quite popular, weren’t quite nerds, and somehow managed to wear clothing that no one else could ever find. It’s hard to fathom that at one point in my life I was made fun of by a fat 12 year old in a muscle shirt with a picture of the Batman symbol on it. I could totally kick his ass now, if he was still 12 and not the mean redneck he grew up to be. I think if I had a time machine that would be one of my first trips. I’d kick his ass then break his Pokemon folder over my knee.

The way bullies work has changed. It used be that they would be balls blazing and walk up to their victims face to face. Bullies had that edge to them. The intimidating eye. Bullies have since downgraded their approach. They hide behind keyboards like the closeted homosexuals that they are. Really, anyone can be a badass when they’re not face to face with the human being they are insulting. Example: Me.

I respect bullies that I see still harassing others outside of the confines of the Internet. It’s cheap to use a device as such to hurt someone’s feelings. You don’t even get to see them cry! Isn’t that the point in bullying? To make someone cry? I no longer subscribe to Bully Weekly (I always thought it should go monthly, being weekly it’s pummeled with advertisements). I may be a little out of the loop as to what the mission is with bullying. If I had a vote it would still be to make weaker individuals cry.

Eventually like all people, bullies grow up. They usually become lawyers, police officers, or dictators. An adult bully is to me, every adult. All adults bully others and I think that’s a good thing. If you don’t bully then you will never get to where it is you want to be. Also, stupid shits will never learn from their mistakes. Granted, there should be some boundaries to how you bully. Be suave about it. Don’t ask coworkers for their lunch money, put them down for not having as many sales this month as Harold in Department F.

The greatest thing about bullies are how observant they are. They can pick apart any little thing wrong with you and beat it into the ground. I love that about them. That’s why I try to be a bully. If I practice on people then I will become more aware of my own surroundings. I’ll notice that dollar bill hiding on the ground. If I have a tumor growing on my ear, I’ll think t myself “What would a bully say about this?” and get it checked out before it gets too bad. Friends will never tell you when something about you should be changed. They’re too nice for that. They’re also too interested in talking about themselves to you. A bully never talks about themselves to you. They make you the center of attention. They’re cool like that. It’s about us, not them. Bullies do serve an important role in our lives. Sometimes it just takes a few years for us to notice.

Some people will read this (women) and say that bullies are mean and should be stopped. I think that’s crazy talk. Think about it. At some point in your life when you were younger someone made a crack about the way you looked or the way your life is. It hurt and hopefully if you’re a strong enough person, you’ve fixed that problem. You’ve become everything that bully wanted you to be. And because of all of that, you’re happier with yourself. More successful and you make a whole hell of a lot more money. All of this done out of spite too. If that bully had never said something you may still have been that same big eared loser you were back then. Right now you’d be eating paste and using crackers as glue. Your parents may be divorced, but no one will ever love that little bully. You have won. None of that may have ever happened if it wasn’t for a little help from a bully.

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