Speeding Tickets

Posted: September 14, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , ,

I’ve noticed that in a nearby town that I drive through, there are a lot of cops making sure people do not speed. One day I saw two on opposite sides of the road and another at the end of the street. They didn’t have a Frisbee and without one I see no need for men to form a triangular shape. I’m all for stopping teenagers from speeding, but this is excessive. I get too nervous when I see a police car, even when I know that I cleaned my trunk of all the blood. It’s one of them irrational fears that I have where my heart skips a beat and I hope that I don’t get caught doing something bad even when I know at heart I’m a Goody-Two-Shoes.

I was only once pulled over by one of the cops in this particular town. I’m not sure where the borders of the town extend, but I think the town consists of about two houses and half a gas station. A real shit town if you ask me whose best quality is that they have a park bench. When the police officer turned on his sirens and pulled me over he was quite rude. He was a young buck, eager to make a big arrest on a drug kingpin. He immediately asked me how much I had been drinking, which was none. It surprised him that somebody that was driving after midnight with a broken tail light couldn’t be drunk. He took his merry time, as police officers tend to do, and I didn’t get a ticket because I was courteous and frightened. The cop wore glasses and he’s the reason why I always pick on people who wear glasses. Similar to twins, I’m hoping that everyone that wears glasses can feel each other’s pain and that beating up a four-eyed child will inflict pain on this asshole cop.

The whole “fuck cops” ideology is kind of what I want to get into, but not so much. Anyone who I know that says they hate police is a drug addict, snob, or criminal. The police, for the most part, don’t want to fuck with you, despite what you think. If you’re in a parking lot in the middle of the night, they’re going to be suspicious. And they should be because you have tattoos and an ounce of weed in your pocket. You’re not the Dukes of Hazard and the police are not after you to ruin your life. Stop being paranoid and thinking you’re that important. You’re not. You’re a stupid grown child who should be beaten by the cops for real. Now get on Facebook and tell everyone how the police need better things to do then to ruin your night.

Onto other news. What I have noticed and you probably have to, it’s these small rich towns where police seem to be the biggest jerks. They are always out in high numbers trying to catch someone speeding. The reason for this is simple. There is not enough other crime going on in the town. The government needs a certain amount of money each month to pay for their mansions and if they aren’t getting the money from real criminals they do their best to get the common man speeding home to hug their children. It really is pretty stupid when you put it like that, the way it is.

I’ve proposed the problem and now it’s time for me to propose a solution to the problem. Create crime. If you don’t want to be worried about getting a speeding ticket, you have to go out and vandalize property. At the very least this will keep the cops occupied with other matters for the time being. It’s a short term solution. For a longer one you don’t create the problem, you bring it to your town. Start selling drugs in the neighborhoods. Buy a construction company and build cheap housing. Go to your local comedy club and demand that they have more black comedians. Do whatever you can think to make the people around you more dangerous. Pretty soon the police will no longer care if you drive 37 in a 25 zone. They’ll be too busy with more important things, like serving and protecting. Isn’t that a funny idea for a police officer to do.

I think police officers are great and my few dealings with them have almost always been positive. Show respect to the police and they will respect you. Like with any job, you will meet some that are complete jackasses. Don’t argue with them. If you were speeding apologize and don’t make up excuses. As long as you’re not in a rich town you might get off with a warning.

In fact, the more I think about this it’s the rich people we should blame. Them with their big fancy houses and cars made in this century. Their pay cable channels and waterproof pants. Fuck the rich. And fuck their children playing street hockey in the middle of the road. The street was made for driving, not playing. While we’re at it, lets up the speed limits everywhere by 5 MPH. It’s like that old 80s song, “It’s Difficult To Maintain a Speed of 25” or something to that nature. Rubber bands fly faster than cars in residential areas.

So don’t do any of what I suggested trying to raise crime in your area. You won’t get speeding tickets but you will probably die anyway of a stray bullet to the face. The only real way to stay out of a speeding ticket is not to be a douche bag. Very few things are that important that you have to put others lives at risk. Unless those other people are rich. Then go as fast as you please, please.

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