Killer Workouts

Posted: September 16, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , ,

 

I’ve been reading a lot about physical fitness trying to find a way to market my own workout program. The guys that invent this crap make thousands of dollars! That’s like 100 with more 0’s! I want that. I deserve it. I know how to make a gimmick sound like something revolutionary. Lying to people is my specialty.

My workout program is something that anybody can do no matter how puny and girl-shaped you are, or whether you’re a fat fuck. All are welcome to indulge. The beauty of it is that you don’t need any equipment at all. It involves every basic movement that you may do at your local gym, but without the cost. Plus, you get to kick someone’s ass! Interested? Read further. Not interested? Continue being a waste of out of shape space.

The first step in this incredible workout is to go somewhere that you can find someone you hate. It can be a relative, a friend, a stranger, anyone that can get you pissed off enough to workout. Lets face it. We all hate exercise. If you’re pissed off at someone it will make you take out your rage on them and that’s what this entire program is about. Once you find that person, get a nice running start as you approach them. This is your warm-up. It helps to get the blood flowing in your body and lets your muscles know that you’re going to be using them. You could stretch, but in my opinion, stretching is for middle-aged women and monks.

Now that you’ve finished your warm-up you can look at your enemy face to face. Your enemy is essential to the workout program because they will be your weights. See, I don’t believe in purchasing products from corporations or paying lofty gym fees. I believe that human beings that we hate are a good, cheaper replacement for these. And that’s what this is all about. Saving you money, getting you ripped, and kicking some ass.

The first exercise you will do is the squat. Carefully trip your enemy and get them down on the ground. It’s okay if it takes a couple of punches to get them down. Some of us are weaker than others. Form is what is most important in this, practice it. Once your enemy is on the ground you should squat down onto their face, ass first. Make sure your cheeks rub up against their face or else you will not get the full value of this exercise. They may bite, so make sure you squat up quick, using your hips for leverage.

The second exercise is the bench press. Find a flat bench or Gwyneth Paltrow’s chest to lie on and carefully lift your enemy up over your chest, like a regular bench press. The only difference with this, and pay attention because it’s a secret those gym rats don’t want you to know, is to squeeze hard onto the neck of your enemy. You have to pinch them really hard that you can almost crack their spinal cord. Remember, move your enemy up and down quickly, but remain with proper form. Say goodbye to those man boobs and say hello to rock hard pectorals.

The third exercise is the dumbbell fly. You will remain on your flat bench or Nicole Kidman’s ass for this exercise. Before the actual movement begins, separate two body parts of your enemy. I suggest the legs, but if your enemy has a small lower body then it may not be work the effort. Whichever body part you choose, the movement is simple. You want to bring those body parts together in an arch toward each other and let them touch. For reference to what the shape of an arch is, see the McDonalds symbol. Keep your elbows locked and make sure to stretch your chest. The name of the exercise comes from the fact that if you don’t do it you’re a dumbbell and that it’s popular among pilots.

The fourth exercise is the leg extension. Place your enemy within a leg’s distance away and use your quadriceps (the muscle on the front of the leg that your uncle likes to touch) to kick your enemy in the groin. Make sure you move fast so that they do not fall over. When you get stronger, you will be able to actually lift your enemies up off of the ground. When this happens you may want to find some fatter enemies and that will be easier because you will be so in shape and in shape people hate fatties.

The fifth exercise is the row. This is the only exercise that requires separate equipment, other than a flat bench or Adam Sandler‘s talents. You need to go to your local supermarket and purchase an ore. Find one that has jagged edges and water rust. They look cooler that way. The exercise for this is you repeatedly smack your enemy with the ore as hard as you can until they are no longer living. This is an exercise that can really build strong shoulders and was done often by the famous bodybuilders of the 1400s.

The sixth and final exercise is the dead lift. You guessed it, you will be lifting your now deceased enemy off of the ground using proper standard dead lift form. Remember to keep your back straight and push with your hips when lifting. I find grabbing them by a fleshy part of the skin makes it easier on my hands. Do whatever you feel more comfortable with. If you should feel discomfort in your back, consult a physician after disposing of your enemy. They like to ask a lot of questions like how it happened and frankly that’s none of their business. It happened. That’s all that you should worry about doc.

This full body workout is guaranteed to get you ripped if you stick with it. Remember to maintain a healthy diet and in five years time you will have the body that you have always wanted. For even quicker results, I suggest you buy my products and supplements. I am doing online coaching where I will help to motivate you. Clearly, none of this is anything that you can obtain naturally or from within yourself. That is why you pay me, to help where you are lacking.

Comments
  1. malf922 says:

    I already follow this regimen, and give it my seal of approval. I’m more experienced than most at these techniques, so I invented a seventh step after the dead lift. I do “the clean and jerk” which is a lot like how it sounds. You basically clean your hands of all the blood on them, then jerk off on their dead body.

    • mooselicker says:

      No way you should do the clean and jerk at the end. It’ll clash with the metabolics of the compound exercises if you’re doing a straight set 5X3 routine and your hip flexors will fail to move the weight unless you’re taking a lot of creatine after hitting your parallels broscience broscience broscience

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