I am a genius. There, I said it. The first step to becoming awesome is admitting it. I think it’s pretty humbling the fact that I have waited this long to let the world know that I am a closeted genius. I fall into that category of “I’m not cocky, I’m confident.” Most people who use that phrase are untalented and only care about themselves. They should really say “I have lousy friends who make me look better, I’m not really that great.” But then people would be honest and who wants to live in a world like that?
Everyone reading this can agree on who out of humankind are geniuses. Albert Einstein is the first that comes to mind. Then there’s William Shakespeare, Stephan Hawking, Watson & Crick (I think that’s the name of the guys who discovered the DNA strand, or maybe I’m thinking of those Jewish lawyers with the bad commercials), Benjamin Franklin, Ken Jennings, and whoever the agent for the “Epic Movie” guys happens to be. I mean seriously. Those things don’t even make that much money. Those men are all geniuses. Sometimes women are geniuses too but this is my blog and I won’t mention either of them.
Below is proof that I am a genius. That is, proof if you believe that I too have these qualities. I’ll try to “dumb it down” for some of you. I know we can’t all be as smart as I am. Without further adieu, here are the signs that you too are a genius.
Sign 1) Messy Hair
My hair is very messy. I haven’t gotten a haircut in almost a year and I never comb it. Sometimes I’ll even make it messier on purpose, giving the illusion that I am smarter than I really am. I don’t need to do this because I’m already a genius. It does however make all scientists and members of MENSA look up to me more as an older brother than as an equal.
Sign 2) Reclusive
I am very reclusive. I once went two years without being photographed. I live alone and there are a lot of trees in my neighborhood. My neighbors don’t know my name and I rarely say hello to them. Normally they would think I was a jerk. Since I do have all of the signs of a genius, they forgive me and ask me for help with science homework.
Sign 3) Hard To Understand Speaking Voice
I don’t really stutter, but when I do talk a lot of the time it doesn’t make sense. It’s not really a lisp. I know there’s something wrong with my voice. Nobody’s ever said there was. A teacher once made someone else do a voiceover for me on a project for school. The kid he chose to do it was a black student and they always have great speaking voices. I’m not saying that blacks can’t be geniuses, just not the ones that have smooth voices. I also seem to spit a lot when I talk. Something us geniuses have in common.
Sign 4) Socially Awkward
I’m not so much socially awkward as I am unwilling to listen about the lives of others. I’m sorry, you’re boring. Are those really the best crackers you’ve ever had? I don’t care! All geniuses are socially awkward because we are usually thinking up new mathematical formulas to help save the world. While we’re doing that you’re usually watching Jersey Shore with your ugly friends.
Sign 5) Irrational Fears
All geniuses have at least one irrational fear. The more you have, the smarter you are. I have a lot of irrational fears. I’m constantly afraid of having someone use technology against me. Technology is something that us geniuses do not understand. Some of us create new technologies, but that does not mean we understand it. Fathers create teenage girls and they don’t always understand them. Anything is possible. That’s the motto of smart people. It helps us keep an open mind.
Sign 6) A Questionable Sexuality
My sexuality has come into question a lot in my life. People debate whether I’m a stud muffin or a natural-born Casanova. Like with geniuses of the past, I like to keep them wondering if how suave I am will get in the way of improving human life.
Sign 7) Lack Of Common Sense
I have little common sense. I work like a machine. I have a task, I get that task completed without thinking about it. Us geniuses tend to use your brains so much that menial jobs will be done poorly due to stress on the inner labrum. That’s a part of the brain if you didn’t know.
For further proof of how much of a genius I am, ask anyone that knows me. They will agree that I am the most brilliant person that they have ever met. If they say that I’m not then they’re probably jealous and trying to hack into my computer and steal all of my ideas.