I heard a radio advertisement for the new “Bearskin Condoms” from America’s trusted condom brand, Spartan. (I’m on the real name of the company’s hate list, not allowed to mention them without proper documentation) Condoms made out of bearskin. The flesh of a grizzly. The epidermis of a panda. Go into the woods with a shotgun, shoot Winnie the Pooh in the gut, and make him into a jimmy hat. This is a new low, even for the species that gave us slavery and 4 nights a week of singing competitions.
Bears are very majestic animals. Sure, they maul Jewish campers once every few years. Remember though, you’re on their turf. They don’t believe in a God nor do they follow pop culture. They don’t give a shit if your name is Ted, Barry, or Marilynn, bears will eat you if they’re hungry. That’s what makes them so awesome. Giant claws that can swat off your face. And now we’re taking these awesome animals and killing them for our own hatred of children. All moose, be on alert. I have a feeling that you’re next.
I’ve heard of sheep skin condoms before and that doesn’t bother me. Sheep are an animal that is made for killing, like cows and chickens. Any animal that will sit in a field and not attempt to escape belongs on my plate. Well, sometimes I eat out of a basket. It depends on the place, but you get the point. Bears are an animal that I don’t want getting killed. I love bears. They’re the best animal at the zoo. Any normal human being at some point has owned a stuffed bear. Mine’s name is Papa. I’m not sure why, he’s never given me any fatherly advice.
Bearskin Condoms are something that I want nothing to do with. Of course I’ve wondered what bear flesh feels like against my dick, I’m human, sue me. I hope in the not too distant future that bears get their revenge on us. They go into malls and use pretzel distributors as condoms. The bears deserve it. They’ve given us so many majestic images of smacking salmon out of the air that we owe it to them. Don’t fuck with bear skin on your dick. It’s like fucking everything nature represents. Beauty, solace, and deadly volcanoes.