I’m not sure if America is aware of what is going on around them. The scary truth that we have all turned a blind eye to. I’m referring to the increase in the price of milk and oatmeal. Only a few months ago I could get milk for $3.29 a gallon and a giant tub of oatmeal for $2.24. Today, it costs me $3.79 for my Kosher milk and $3.54 for my plain boring oatmeal. I haven’t eaten oatmeal in a while now and that was before the price hike. I’m not sure if there is a war going on wherever oats are grown, but I want more blood for my oats!
Everyone is always worried about gas prices, justifiably so. They suck. It’s only been in the last 10-15 years that they’ve been so ridiculous. It costs too much money to go anywhere and once we do get there we can’t afford to do anything. No wonder the economy stinks. Nobody has the means to get to any place to spend their paychecks. Even worse, with the increase of the price of milk and oatmeal, we will all now have weak bones and be constipated on a daily basis. We’ll slouch and be full of shit. Maybe the government isn’t trying to fuck us, they’re just trying to turn us into them.
Before the “One of us! One of us!” chants come out of Washington, we need to act. Let our voices be heard that these increases in prices do not sit well in our osteoporosis tummies. Most of my solutions involve burning things. People have a stigma about fire. They say it hurts when it touches their skin. This time only, I do not want fire to be involved. Oats are highly flammable and I can see the government using that against our flames of victory.
Little known fact: In the 1970s, oats were often tied to the fireproof clothing of stuntmen in order to ensue excessive burning.
I am fully convinced that the government wants us to be fat and addicted to sugar. Eating healthy is nearly impossible without spending a buttload, pardon the language, of money on foods with vitamins. Then there’s Whole Foods, a place where they pretend as long as you shop there you’ll be healthy. Whole Foods is really just a Piggly Wiggly with weird-looking bananas. I can’t shop there. I saw a man shopping there and he had a double leveled shopping cart. Really? You’re organic brown eggs can’t be on the same level as your hand-made sugar less ice cream? Double-Decker shopping carts are the most pretentious form of transporting food. A golden bag made out of extinct animal faces would bother me less.
I will still continue to buy milk and on a special occasion oatmeal. That’s where we’re at. Oatmeal is a treat. It’s disgusting and tastes like testicle sawdust, at least the cheap kind I get does. The lids are always dusty too. But oatmeal helps us shit and some of us really need help with that. I’m hoping for the prices to go down, perhaps cows can over breed and a mine full of oats can be discovered by mountaineers. Other than those two solutions, we are screwed.
“One nation, under the control of the government, that wants me to eat bacon for breakfast.” – The Flag Salute